Day 18: my wedding.

Day 18 my wedding, in pictures. Enjoy!

 *My mom gave me a scrapbook of my life just before the wedding began*

*Mother in law & Mother...doesn't even look like my mom. She's lost 50+ pounds since Clif and I got married*

*Clif & his cousin, Daniel, the best man*

*Me & all of my attendants*

*Me & Aleisha, my maid of honour and my best friend*

 

*The bride*

 *Aleisha,myself, Clif and Daniel*

*Exhausted after a long ceremony and hundreds of pictures*

*Me, my adorable Uncle Rufus & hubby*

*We had cousins come in from Texas for the wedding. From left to right, Cameron (brother in law), Jaquelyn & Debra, myself, Clif, mother in law Shelia, and Daniel*

*Did I ever mention we had four pastors involved in our wedding? From left to right, James, my dad, Foster, and Ted*

*The whole wedding party... minus the ring bearer*

*Reception*

*The cake - my mom called the day before the wedding and the lady had forgotten about the cake!*

*Aleisha & Me...eating chocolate cups, gift from Mrs.Black*

*Me & Daniel...I love him, but never would tell him! ha!*

putting a face on loss.

Meet Rick & Darla. Missionaries to Papua New Guinea. Rick & Darla have seven children, one of which went to Heaven on Wednesday.

Darla miscarried their precious 7th child on Wednesday. She has been flown from PNG to Australia, where they will *hopefully* find help.

Rick's last post to facebook tells us that Darla is *still* not able to speak, but her motor skills are improving.

The cost they are looking at right now is right around 100 thousand dollars. And the money paid promises nothing.

Please pray for this precious family. No one knows what the days to come holds, but we DO know Who holds it.

Day 17: an art piece that moves you.

Day 17 is an art piece that moves you...

Day 16: a song that makes you cry.

Day 16 is a song that makes you cry (or nearly). Here it is.

prayers for a friend.

To whoever reads this... I'm asking for your prayers. A friend of ours (also a missionary that our church supports) was pregnant with her 7th child. She was around four months along, and miscarried on Wednesday night. She is currently over seas.

Not only is the family grieving the loss of this precious child... but the mother, "D" is in critical condition. She is barely coherent and has been having seizures. She also has been given a pint of blood.

The doctors are wanting to to do a MRI/CT scan... but they are wanting the money up front.

Please please pray for this precious family. They have six living children, the oldest soon to be 18 years old. The youngest being a little over a year. "D" Was actually pregnant with him while I was pregnant with Lilly. :) We got to spend some time together before they headed back to PNG, what a blessing it was. That's the last we saw them.

Again...please pray. They need it! Thanks to you all in advance...

October 15th...

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. I never wanted to be part of this group. To be quite honest... it sucks.

Tonight I am remembering my precious baby girl, Lillian Joy Smith... my perfect angel gone from this earth too soon.

Though I am hurting...and this day is a reminder of what I do not have. Though today is a reminder of all the people effected by miscarriage,stillbirth, and infant loss...I am proud. Proud to be her Mommy.

Along with remembering my baby girl, I'm remembering the precious little ones of many MANY friends too. You all are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Day 15: what you like about your house.

Day 15 is what I like about my house.

Right now, I like that it's mine. :) Even though it can be stressful at times, I like being a home owner. I haven't mentioned this...mainly because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

But, after like three months of no one calling about the house...or coming to look at it, a couple came to look at it on Saturday. They really liked it. They are pre approved for a loan, and are looking to buy soon. It's bitter sweet.

Our realtor said that they will more than likely be putting a contract on it. *sigh* I want to sell and get away from the area. I think it'll be good to have a fresh start, but there will be a lot of pain before the fresh start begins.

Please pray with us that if it be God's will, that we will sell our house soon. And that He may lead us to where He wants us to be in the future.

Thanks!

Day 14: a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 14 is a non fictional book that has been meaningful to me since my loss.

"I Will Carry You" - by Angie Smith... hands down.

Even though Lilly we were never given a fatal diagnosis with Lilly (Like Angie was with her daughter, Audrey)...this book was more than comforting to me.

If you haven't read it, I highly suggest that you do. You will smile, you might even laugh... and I guarantee that you will cry. But it is an amazing book.

Angie's emotions and feelings jump off the pages at you as you read about her early married years, miscarriages, and then finally the loss of their precious Audrey.

You can also find Angie's blog by clicking ::here::

Below are the lyrics to the song made popular by Selah. Angie's husband sings with the group.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

~Selah~ 

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story
Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One who's chosen Me

To carry you

Day #334

Today marks three hundred and thirty four days since we said goodbye.

Eleven months.

Even now...eleven months since the moment I heard the words every mother prays she'll never hear... It still feel as if it were just yesterday.

For now, my memories remain vivid. I'm terrified those memories will fade. I am afraid that I will forget. There aren't many things to hang on to...

I will never forget her...

ever.

Day 13: a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 13 - a fictional book that has been meaningful to me since my loss.

Probably "The Shack". That book put a whole new spin on grief for me. And I really believe that it helped me a lot.

You can read my take on "The Shack"  *here*

Day 12: something i am ocd about.

Day 12 is something I am OCD about.

I'd have to say money. Like actual paper money.

As I've said before... I'm work in a bank.

I hate hate hate for the money in my drawer to be turned different ways. It drives me bonkers. I've gotten better though... when I first started (almost three years ago...wow) I would turn all the bills the same way, and then sort them by color. You know how like the old five dollar bills are white, but the new ones have big purple 5's on them? Yeah. It was bad.

...and then the world comes crashing down.

Before I even begin, let me just say: if you tend to shy away when it comes to the subject of death, don't read any further. Better yet, if you don't know where to put the emotions that a babies death brings to surface, you probably want to click that "x" at the top right corner now.


This post is full of nothing but raw, nasty emotions. If you are to faint at heart, turn back now.

It's midnight. I should be sleeping. I have to be up at 6:45 and at work by 8:00. But you want to know what I have just finished doing??

Completely (in every sense of the word) losing it. For the last *almost* two hours. Do you know how long it's been since I had a full out melt down? Where I just cried, sobbed...shook with grief? Let's just say it's been a long time.

I have one thing to say: Leave it to the Lifetime Network. >.< Yeah yeah, I know...why in the world am I watching Lifetime movies while Clif is at work? Once you get past the horrible acting, some of the movies aren't completely horrible.

Anyways...I was watching one tonight, I don't even remember what it was called. And at the end of the movie the mother hugs her teenage daughter and tells her that she is proud of her.
That last line hit me like a ton of bricks. Instant tears sprung to my eyes, and my heart began to beat out of my chest. I will never have the chance to tell my daughter I am proud of her. In fact...there are a lot of things that I will never be able to tell her. Or to watch her do.

I never heard her cry. I never even got to see her take a breath. I'll go the rest of my life not even knowing what color my daughters eyes are. I wonder if her hair would have turned blond like mine did when I was a baby? Who would she have looked like when she got older?

Not only am I finishing up one of the biggest pity parties I've had in a long time, I just finished watching Lilly's funeral for the first time.

There were so many things that I don't even remember from that day. Everything was a blur.
I went through everything tonight. I sat in the floor, with everything she ever touched in a 12x18 box. I saw her hair, her hospital clothes...her hand & foot prints. Her hospital ID bracelet. Have I ever said here that she was "born" at 10:49am?

The guest book is among the things that I've never looked at, until tonight. Do you know how unbelievably difficult it is to read that your child was born and died the same day?

I really lost it while reading through the list of guests. There was one that I don't recall seeing at the funeral that day. His name is "J"...I used to call him Granddaddy. He is the grandfather of my ex. Oh how I loved this man (the grandfather that is! :) It killed me when we cut ties when "D" and I broke up. But *almost* a year later, it meant the world to me to know that he was there.

Her funeral. It was beautiful...and long. :) Clif and I are known for long services of any time. Our wedding ceremony was almost an hour and a half long. Lilly's funeral. 54 minutes.

I watched as we (the family) were brought in. I saw (again) the faces of all our heartbroken family members. The dazed look. I watched as the funeral directors shot me glances of pity.
So many things came rushing back to me as I watched the DVD tonight. Gina, the one that prepared Lilly's tiny body. What a precious woman! Lilly was her first infant...and she was so kind and considerate. She made a special trip out to buy Johnson & Johnson lotion, just so Lilly would smell like a baby. I don't think that anyone will ever know how much that meant to me.

I'm sure I've written this before - but there was probably right at five hundred people that came to Lilly's funeral. When Clif and I were brought into the sanctuary the whole building was full. There were actually people STANDING in the back. How amazing that a precious little girl who never breathed a breath on earth could be loved and cared for as much as Lilly.

After we were seated, "Glory Baby" was played. I wish I could have seen people's faces while the song played. I know that several people asked where in the world I had found such a fitting song.

Next, my dad spoke. How brave. I know if I had been in his position, I wouldn't have been able to stand in front of those people and keep it all together. After dad finished up, a pastor friend of ours "F" sang two songs. One I don't know the name of, and the second was "Jesus Loves Me". He sang acapella. The first and second verse by himself, and the chorus he asked the congregation to join in.

I can't tell you how moving it was to hear a room full of people singing Jesus loves me...

Watching the video reminded me of how blessed Clif and I truly are. It reminded me of the love that surrounded us during those tough days.
Those days are still here...and I don't think that a lot of people see that. They don't recognize that we are still very much in pain. That we still think of her every second of every day. That on top of losing her, and mourning her death - we are also facing infertility. People are oblivious to our pain. And I don't blame them. I myself am guilty of looking in the other direction with things get tough. I'd rather it be awkward than to actually have to face the music.

As I type these words, left over tears stream down my face. I'm sitting at home, alone,in bed, at twelve thirty in the morning, eyes swollen, hair a mess, nose running...wrapped in the blanket my dead daughter was wrapped in the first time I saw her. And the last.

Tonight, more that usual, I am grasping for the few things that are left of her. Anything that she may have touched...one of which I'll always have with me, my heart.

I'm missing you tonight little girl, more than I have in a long time...

excitment?

I am SO very excited! I just finished ordering my "I am the Face" hoodie from zazzle.com. :) CANNOT wait for it to get here. I even paid extra shipping so I could get it before the SHARE Walk To Remember on October 23rd.

I love the fact that they made it possible to customize the hoodie :) I was able to add Lilly's name on the back... which makes it so much more personal!

Speaking of the SHARE walk. I'm pretty excited about it too. I'm not sure how many people will be there - I'm sure it won't be many. I mean, after all... it's for infant loss. Most people stray away from the subject.

I know that I have several people that will be walking with Clif and me. The list of people include, both of my parents, my niece, my friend Kristy, and possibly my friends Aleisha & Joe.

I wish I had heard about it sooner - I would have asked people in my church to walk with me. :) Oh well, I'm thankful for those who have said they'll walk with me.

I would say that I'm looking forward to the walk, but that doesn't sound right. I'm looking forward to honoring my baby girl... I am not looking forward to seeing so many people with so much pain in their hearts. A pain that I know oh so well.

If you live in our area, and are interested in walking with us in the SHARE Walk To Remember, please call 266-6000 to register. Registration is free. When you call, just let them know that you're calling to register for the SHARE walk on October 23rd at 10am. They'll send you a confirmation letter in the mail :)

 
 

By the way - if you want to order something from the faces of loss page on Zazzle.com, if you order today you can get 14% off your entire order by using the promo code: 1492COLUMBUS

I ordered my hoodie, customized, and special shipping for $40.09!

Day 11: a photo taken recently.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

This picture was taken in July, during our vacation at the beach. I stood in the surf, watching footprints in the sand being washed away. All I could think about was how something can be there one second, and the next...it's gone. In a blink of an eye every little piece of existance is gone. Just like that.

Just like her.

I don't think I need to explain how this picture makes me feel...

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

These pictures make me smile. :) But they also make me sad in a way. The first picture... I promise, if you had seen Lilly in person - she looked indentical to me when I was a baby. Weird.

Blog Award.

Ok, I'm a little late posting this... but I've been busy. And let me just be completely honest and say that the only reason I've kept up with this "30 blogs in 30 days" thing is because I've been scheduling the posts a few days in advance. :) I know, I'm a cheater. But I really wanted to do it!

Anyways...a couple of weeks ago a blogger friend of mine (Annette) nominated me for the lovely blog award :)

Here are the rules:
1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen
 
I nominate the following....
 
1)Annette at Valentina In The Sky
2)Kristin at Dear Stevie...
3)Car at Hello Goodbye
4)Jen at Lily's Mommy Forever
5)Lori at Lori Does Maryland
6)Aleisha at My New Life
7)Kelsea at Overwhelmed By Grace
8)Hannah at Rose & Her Lily
9)Carolyn at The Croley Gang
10)Trennia at Still Serving Him Through The Storm

Day 9: a picture taken after your loss.

Day 9 is a picture taken after your loss.
 
 
Clif and I both got memorial tattoos after we lost Lilly. Mine was done by Brian Gray, and Clif had his done by a family friend, Andy Conner. They both work at Ally Cat Tattoo. Wanna visit their facebook? Click ::here::
 
A few weeks back, I had my tattoo finished  a few weeks by Christina at Blue Lotus. To visit her Myspace (a little behind times I think) click ::here::
 
I know some people frown upon tattoos...but we really like ours. Something very special to both of us :) We'll always have a reminder of our sweet Lilly with us.
 

Day 8: a photo that makes you sad or angry.

Every time I look at this picture I have so many emotions that flood my body. I feel pain, my heart hurts... I am sad... I am angry. I am confused. Though I feel peace over her death, I still have my days.

This photo makes me sad.

what's going on?

A few things that don't have to do with my infertility...or my loss. :)

I've had a good few days here recently. And I'm so thankful for the change.

Tuesday night we had my *best* (guy...other than Clif) over for dinner. :) It had been a really long time since we had hung out. I really enjoyed it. He ("Jim") was his normal self, which means...he was right around 30-45 minutes late. That's so him. I made baked ziti (one of my new found favorite dishes!) and garlic bread. YUM. I can't tell you enough how good it was to see him. We've been friends for...well, about 22 years. I have pictures of us together in our church nursery. We've come a long way since then. And though there has been a lot that's happened over the years, and we've drifted...we know we'll always be friends. And that we'll always be there for one another. :) Jim also works with my hubby...so that makes it nice.

Wednesday proved to be a decent day as well. I have to work (for three hours...not so bad) on Saturday so I got a half day off. My mom and I went to C'burg to shop. It was my daddy's birthday (and brothers) and I went gift shopping. Though, I came back pretty much empty handed. I did find my dad something. But it ended up not working, so I have to take it back. Boo. :) We went to church last night, and then Clif and I went home, took showers...and cuddled up in bed and watched Law & Order SVU (our favorite!) and ate Ramen noodles. I never really tried them with an open mind...maybe it was because you can get a pack for like 10 cents. I don't know. But Clif absolutely loves them...and I found that I actually like them too! Though,
I won't be eating them to often. Does anyone know how much sodium is in one pack of those things?!

And finally, tonight. Clif called me at work today to see if I wanted to go to Bdubs (buffalo wild wings). I hesitated, because I had already planned on cooking. And I didn't get off until six tonight...and then I was like, what am I thinking? Why would I want to go home and cook after a long day of work when the husband is offering to take me out? Of course...he only wants to go because it's 65 cent boneless wings tonight. Ha! Anyways...we're going with our new(er) friends, "A" & "B". Looking forward to it :)

On top of all that...I AM OFF ON MONDAY! yay. :) Thank you Columbus!! Hope all is well...

Day 7: photo that makes you smile.

Day 7 is a picture that makes you happy. I (of course) couldn't choose just one. If you know me outside of blogger world, you know that I absolutely LOVE pictures. My house is covered in them. In fact, I love pictures so much...I am *still* thinking about taking a photography class. Maybe next year. I don't know. It'd be something to keep my mind occupied. While doing what I love. :)

Below are four pictures that make me smile every time I look at them.

The first is a picture of my sweet Lilly Bean. :) I think that it really captures her true beauty and innocence.

The second picture is of me & Clif. It was taken the day after we were married. In Tennessee. At the worst restaurant in the world. But we were happy. (And still are). Every time I look at it, I can't help but smile. We've come so far from that day.

The third has a specialness to me :) Feet and I have a love hate relationship. I hate to touch them, or for them to touch me. (I guess baby feet are an exception...I tend to tickle & kiss baby feet). But I've always had this weird fascination with taking pictures of my feet. Ever since I was little. Don't ask me why. So when the nurses gave me the disk full of 60+ pictures I couldn't help but smile at all the pictures of her feet.

And the fourth. :) The day we found out that we were having a beautiful little girl. The day we named her "Lillian Joy". Every time I think of that day I smile. I can still see and smell the little ultrasound room. I can still see Clif standing beside me and holding my hand. I can feel the warm jelly on my tummy. I'll never forget the time moment "V" said, "you see those three little white lines? You're having a girl!" I remember the tears of joy that ran down my cheek. My perfect baby girl.

I know these pictures aren't new. You've all probably seen them one or twice. But they are all dear to my heart.

And they make me smile.



heavy hearted.

Okay, I know that this is my third post of the day. BUT... I had to write this, since it is heavy on my heart today.

Remember a few days ago when I asked prayer for the family that lost the one year old??

Well...he wasn't one year old.

He was one MONTH old. Big difference.

This little boy that was one month old had a bowel obstruction. His bowels backed up and he had a heart attack. A one year old.

*sigh* Please pray for the "S" family today as they have to endure the pain of a funeral for their little boy.

Day 6: twenty things that calm me.

Hm twenty things that calm me...here goes nothing!

1.) Prayer.
2.) Reading my Bible.
3.) Talking to Clif.
4.) Having my back rubbed.
5.) Having my hair played with.
6.) Music.
7.) Bubble baths.
8.) Conversation with good friends.
9.) Laughter.
10.) A good cup of coffee.
11.) A good cry.
12.) Scrapbooking.
13.) A long walk.
14.) Singing.
15.) Blogging.
16.) Shopping :)
17.) Mowing grass.
18.) Cleaning.
19.) Long talks.
20.) Baking.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad's birthday. Happy birthday Dad, love you!!!

Day 5: favorite quote.

Day five is favorite quote day. I read this quote in the newspaper yesterday and loved it! :)

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage" ~ Seneca the Younger

my name is Desiree, and I'm not afraid to say it.

Can I just say that I think hiding behind an anonymous name is cowardly?? Here is a comment that was left on my blog last night. I have reason to believe that it's someone I know. There were several anonymous comments yesterday. The first one I know is someone who knows me. This one, I'd like to think that it's a stranger... but it's a little odd that my post would have brought on something like this from someone who doesn't know me. Here is the comment that was not published to my blog.


"I only left one comment (the 2nd anonymous comment) So apparently you have 2 people that think you are ridiculous. I don't know the people you are talking about. Did you even think about what you wrote in your last comment? And you call yourself a Christian? Maybe you need to work on yourself and your mental issues before you attempt to bring a child into your chaos. And you are disrespecting your dead baby. If you died would your mom put pictures of your dead body online for the world to see? Poor Lilly! "


You can mess with me all day long - but when you go talking about my "dead baby", that's when I get upset. I wasn't mad. I was crushed. Crushed that someone could be filled with such hate. It's actually pretty sad.

I am honoring my daughter the best way I know how. If you don't like it...don't read it. It's as simple as that.

Day 4: book.

Day four is a favorite book. Has it changed since your loss??

My favorite book hands down is the Bible. And no, it hasn't changed since Lilly died. My connection to the Book has only grown stronger.

A specific verse I cling to, as most of you know, is: Jeremiah 29:11. He knows the plans that He has for us!!

Day 3: tv show.

Day three is about a tv show that helped you get through hard times or moved you.

Laugh if you want, but 7th Heaven. When Lucy lost her babies... wow.

Clif and I watched the whole series on Hallmark after Lilly died.

Day 2: a movie.

Day 2 is a movie that has helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumped out at you after your loss.

This is a tough one.

One that pops into my mind is Marley & Me. I watched it while I was pregnant. I can't tell you how upset I was when Jennifer Aniston (don't remember her name in the movie) miscarried the baby. But there was hope, even in the movies. :)

I try to avoid movies that remind me of anything to do with my Lilly.

Day 1: a song.

I think the song that reminds me most of Lilly is "Glory Baby".

I've said before that for the last few weeks before I went on bed rest... all I listened to in my car was my Watermark CD.

I listened to the song "Glory Baby" over and over again. And don't know why. Looking back, it should have upset me...scared me. But it didn't. I remember thinking about how beautiful the song was.

As the nurse walked me to the operating room for my c-section, this song was running through my head. I knew in that instant that I wanted it to be played at her funeral...below are the lyrics.


"Glory Baby" by: Watermark




Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…



Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

You’ll just have heaven before we do



Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…



I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

30 posts in 30 days :) *and probably a few in between*

Okay...so I saw this on a fellow bloggers page today and thought I'd join in the fun. :) I'll have to catch up...so bare with me!

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.


Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 15 - what you like about your house.

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.

Day 19 - a talent of yours.

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

Day 21 - a recipe.

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.

Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.

Day 24 - where you live

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 - a dream for the future

up to *here* with it.

I am fed up with feeling sorry for myself. But on the other hand, I don't know how to move past it.

I'm stuck.

How can I move on? I avoid pregnant women. I avoid women with babies. I avoid people in general. And on top of that... people avoid me. People I know. People who haven't said two words to me since Lilly died. I hate this feeling.

People walk around on eggshells around me. They look at me as if I am going to lose "it" (whatever "it" is) at any moment.

Well newsflash for you. I might just lose it. I might cry. I might want what you have. But that's okay.

My daughter died. I'm hurting...and I think I always will in some way or another. But I don't deserve to be treated like a stranger. I don't deserve to be ignored. And I don't deserve to be treated like I'm five.

The world hasn't stopped because of my loss. Men and women still fall in love. Those women still get pregnant...and they still have perfectly healthy babies. They still grow their families. And they're still happy.

Maybe I'm not "happy" per say. Maybe I'm still trying to sort through a lot. But don't ignore me. It just makes it worse.

Where did this come from?? Well...someone I know had a baby not to long after I had Lilly. I saw the baby with the grandparents in Wal*Mart last night. I have a very good feeling that they saw me - but it was like I had the plague. Like it hurt them to even look at me.

Again. I hate this feeling.

And you know what another feeling I hate is?? I don't know what to call it, but I sure know how to describe it.

I hate that because I am completely BROKEN (yes still) over my daughters death that people are continuously trying to attack me. Using every little instance to try and "get back" at me for grieving.

Let me just say that I know several people who never liked my choice of friends. Some friends even voiced their dislike of others. So... I know how they feel about them. Or at least used to.

This is going to be confusing, but I feel that I have to be vague. Why? Because I don't want to be accused of name calling on my blog.

Let me just set the scene.

A few years back, my best friend announced that she was getting married. I was floored. She was getting married to someone that I had never met (until minutes before telling me). Though I wasn't thrilled... I was happy for her. And jumped on the band wagon.

A lot happened between the initial announcement of their marriage and their wedding.

By the time they were married, my friend and I were no longer speaking.

I went to their wedding, probably for selfish reasons more than any. I didn't want to be accused of not being there - and I just wanted to see how things played out. So I went. I was not kind. I didn't speak an ill word towards her, but as they say... looks speak a thousand words.

I will not say that I didn't speak ill things of her to others. I did. I was hurt (as was she). I felt betrayed. I had lost my best friend.

In October of 2009, just days before my daughter passed away, this estranged friend of mine contacted me. She sent me a box full of gifts for mine and Clif's bundle of joy. She also sent a letter. I caved. I sent her a letter back. We started texting back & forth - and then finally we had our first phone conversation in almost a year since they had been married.

At this point and time they had a daughter...our now goddaughter.

I missed their daughter being born. I wasn't there for her when I know that I should have been.

I saw my friend for the first time in almost a year two days before I went into the hospital for my induction. I can't tell you how happy I was. We had made amends.

I found out last week that this friend is pregnant again. Now before you guys comment with the "oh Desiree I'm so sorry...this must be so hard on you's" don't. Yes, it's going to be hard watching my best friend become a mother for the second time. But I'm thrilled for her. And I want her to know that. This situation is in no way about me. I am praying & hoping for a smooth, healthy pregnancy...and a beautiful healthy baby.

Why all of this?? Well now I'm finally getting to my point.

This is one of those instances that I feel is being used against me. As I've said several times over the last few months - I know several people that are pregnant. One of these "preggos" doesn't particularly "like" my said friend. It's been a competition...for, oh I don't know...since I was 17. But anyways...

Since the news of my friend being pregnant was announced, this person who doesn't particularly "like" her... has befriended her. If that's what you want to call it.

I will say here and now...maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's all innocent. But I highly doubt it.

I view this instance as "Oh, "A" is pregnant now...that's going to put a strain on her relationship with Desiree. Let's see if I can slip in a few things to make it look like "A" and I are friends...since well, we have so much in common now. I mean, we are both pregnant! Maybe just maybe I can try and turn Desiree against "A". Hm, I don't really like "A" but it's a shot."

Well here is some news. It's not going to work. Pretend like you're her friend if you want. All three of us know the truth.

My friend being pregnant is NOT going to come between her and me. I intend on praying for her on a daily basis, I plan on being there for her whenever she needs me...and I plan on being around when she brings her second baby into the world.

Whew. Taking a deep breath.

Once again...I hate this feeling. I guess I did find a name for it, it's called attack.

a little more...

Okay. I have a bunch of jumbled up thoughts that are going to spew out...so, bare with me.

First and foremost, I want to ask you guys to pray for someone that Clif used to work with at the rental company.

His name is Tony. I'm not sure how old he is - if I had to guess I would say late 40s possibly early 50s. We got a phone call from Clif's old boss this morning at 6:30 - telling Clif that Tony was in the hospital. He had a stroke yesterday.

Please understand that my husband hates hospitals. He always has a really hard time visiting anyone while they are there. I am really surprised he "handled" being at the hospital with me for three days last November. The entire time we have been together, anytime someone is in the hospital - he will do anything in his power NOT to go see them.

*sigh*

As soon as Clif got off the phone he told me that he was going to visit Tony in the hospital. On top of Tony having a stroke, his mother has been in the same hospital for WEEKS. She has had like a total of 24 strokes since she went into the hospital.

Please be in prayer for these dear people. And not only for their physical well being, but their spiritual as well.

Clif came to see me at work today - and when I asked how Tony was doing, he said not very well. He doesn't seem to be paralyzed, but he can't speak. :(

Stroke victims are real close to my heart. My grandfather (that I was closest to) was confined to a hospital for a year because of a massive stroke. After the stroke, he could not move his left side - and could not speak.

*sigh* Well, I said that I had a lot to talk about. But really that's what's weighing on my heart right now. Thanks for your prayers. More to come later...

please pray.

Please say a prayer. I don’t know who the family is. I don’t even know their names. I don’t know any details of what happened. I just…know their pain.


There is a family that Clif and I heard of yesterday that lost their little boy. Their one year old son died. I believe it was unexpectedly.


Let me just say… never type in “infant” for a search in your local newspapers obituaries. It’s right down depressing. Seriously. Not only the obituaries for babies… but people who died who were proceeded in death by an infant child, or sibling. It’s crazy. Breaks my heart.


And makes me think too. So many people take their healthy children for granted. They think since they carried them for nine months (give or take) that they have made it! Nothing can happen now. So wrong.


Unborn babies die, new born babies die, children die…there is no age on death.


Please pray for this family.


Also – though it’s not nearly as important, please say a prayer for me. It’s been a rough week (or so). And now I’m not feeling the greatest. I have had a headache all day long, my stomach is upset…I just…don’t feel good.

Tears.

There were a lot over the weekend. Tears that is. Tears of happiness for others. Tears of hurt. Tears of confusion and pain. Tears of guilt. Tears of anticipation. Tears of hope.

Yes...a lot of tears, all different kinds. I spent a lot of time thinking and praying this weekend. Along with several hours of just laying in bed and crying. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.

I know I can't keep that kind of behavior up. It's not fair to myself, my husband, or those around me that may be effected by the way I act. I don't think I'm over it... but I do feel a little better. Maybe getting it all out was a good thing?

I'm...broken. And I'm waiting for Him to come and pick up the pieces.

I'll leave you a quote from our church bulletin.

When you're down to nothing...God is up to something. Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible.

I'm going to have faith.

I am looking forward to what (to me) seems impossible.

Steps.

Deuteronomy 29:29

The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.

What God has planned for your life cannot be revealed all at once because it would be too much to take on and you risk losing your focus on God. Instead, God reveals our victory in increments according to each step of faith we take with Him. What He has already given you, keep is close to your heart so that you can always remember how wonderful it feels when a dream becomes a reality.

blast from my past.

Does anyone remember this show?? :) It's been off the air for how long? YEARS...I'm sure. But I loved it. Watching it again last night, I realized how cheesy the show really is. And how drama packed too. (I hate drama...hence my new drama free life).

Anyway...I don't know what made me think of this show last week...but I was like, I want to get the last couple of seasons and re-watch them. So I got the first disk from Netflix last night. Exciting.

Ha! I watched all six episodes. Now I'm ready for the next disk.

missing her.

I've been struggling lately - drowning in a sense.

Having another baby consumes my *almost* every thought.

It's something that I want desperately.

Whether it be biologically, or adopting... I just want a baby.

I constantly have to stop and remind myself that it will happen in God's perfect timing. I know it will. I just hurt... I ache...and I want.

Oh, and I miss her...more with each passing day.

spreading the word, and excited about it.

I'm so excited.

The other day, I was thinking about "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope", and how I could possibly help promote the web site.

Since the launch of "Faces" - I have been so encouraged. Reading all the stories of mothers like myself - woman who have gone through unimaginable loss. And yet, even though these words have been an encouragement to me...they break my heart at the same time. It breaks my heart that all these women have experienced great loss, such as myself...and my husband.

So anyways... I posted the link to faces on a couple of news sites around my area. And then yesterday it dawned on me...why not email our local Christian radio station to see if they can help get the word out. So I went on their website (www.spiritfm.com) and found contact information, and emailed them.

I told them our story - about losing Lilly. And then how after she died, I found a wonderful community of women. And then how the "Faces" website was launched. :) I asked them if there was anyway that they could advertise the website - and she said that she would send it to their promotions department and see if there is anything they can do.

I can't tell you how excited I was to at least get that far...excited about spreading the word about Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infant Loss.

you're only as old as you feel...

Today...for some odd unknown reason - I feel old. Very old.

Well, my heart feels old.

I don't like this feeling.

re: the shack

The Shack.

What an amazing book! I know that there has been much controversy over this book, at least in the Christian world.

I'll admit...at first I thought that the book was weird. In fact, I still see it as odd. But it was one of those books that you couldn't put down. It was a rather "deep" book - one that you really had to pay attention to and concentrate while reading.

At first, I was a bit bothered by the way God, well actually, the Trinity was depicted in the book. God was a big black woman that was called "Papa", Jesus is a middle aged Hebrew man, and the Holy Spirit is an Asian woman named Sarayu.

But the more I read, the more I liked the book.

It put a whole new spin on grief for me.

:) I don't want to give too much away - but if you haven't read it, I'd give it a chance. It's different but I think it's definitely worth a read.

copy cat. **warning: this may be a bit childish**

A year (or so) ago...I was talking with my mom. More like, complaining to my mom.

I was expressing my frustration about being "copied". Okay, I know... I sound like I'm five. Oh well.

We were talking about things that I specifically put into place for mine and Clif's wedding day. Special things just for us. That were copied. Random things in my life...that were copied. Things in my pregnancy, shadowed almost exactly...aka: copied.

I was getting sick (and tired) of this...so I was confiding in Mom. She told me that I should feel "honored" that ___ was striving to be like me. I told her, I don't want this person to be like me...I don't want anyone to be like me. I want to be my own person!!!

And I do.

I strive at being my own person. I don't want to be like anyone else, and I certainly don't want anyone going out of their way to make themselves identical to me. I'm sure you can be your own self...just dig a little deeper, and I'm sure that there is a great personality waiting to come out and show itself.

I came across something else that was being "copied" recently. Something dear to my heart. Something to do with my Lilly Bean. It really bothered me....still does, kinda.

For once in my life, I just want one thing. Can't I have this one?? Can't I just win one thing??

If there was one thing that I could ask for (other than my baby girl being back here with me), it would be that I could go back to the "one of a kind" girl I was 5 1/2 years ago. :)

family.

Today I went to a family reunion. I had to go without my husband, because of his conflicting work schedule.

I really thought it would be okay, being by myself I mean. My parents were there, my brother,niece, nephew...cousins, aunts & uncles. But it was a lot harder than I had anticipated.

When we walked up, I saw a familiar face...one that I hadn't seen in two years. My uncle Rufus. He's my grandpa's only living brother. My grandpa has been gone for nine years. Since his funeral, I kind of took to my uncle Rufus. He looks so much like my pawpa. I love both of those men very much.

I went to my uncle, expecting him not to know who I was. You see, he'll be 94 years old in November. But as soon as I made eye contact, he knew me. Without a doubt. It made me feel good on the inside. And it also made me sad.

Uncle Rufus loved Clif when he met him. He even managed to come to our wedding (Pretty sure he drove himself) three years ago. Every time we went to see him after we were married, he would always look at my stomach and say, "no bump yet?". I was terrified that he'd ask. How could I have told him? I had decided that I wouldn't tell him...that I'd play it off. But how could I do that and dishonor my baby girl?? Thank God he didn't ask. :)

Whew.

I avoided talking to too many people. You see, last year Clif and I went together...with Lilly (very apparent) in my tummy. I didn't want people to ask. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me - though I know that a lot of them already knew.

There was a moment that I thought that I would lose it. The relative who heads the reunion up every year was talking. He was asking if there were any newly weds, any active military men/women... and then he asked if there were any new babies this year. My heart was in my throat. He didn't ask if there were any deaths...people tend to block out the sad stuff.

People are so oblivious to my pain. Oblivious to the pain of all babyloss mama & daddy's. And I'm glad. I don't want anyone to know this pain.


And on top of all of that, and having to face it "alone"... AF decided to pay me a visit. And let's just say...she's letting it be known that she's here. I actually stayed home from church tonight. Very unlike me. *sigh* I am really dreading work tomorrow.

Today just hurt.

conviction?

Conviction

• an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence.
• a fixed or firm belief.

Conviction is a product of the relationship with God. It is not something that suddenly inspires a person to stand up for God; rather, conviction is the product-the fruit- of a relationship. Conviction, then, is not something we have in a flash but a quality that builds through the experiences we have with God, in making Him the center of our lives.
Why are we convicted? Because we really come to know Him. Our perception of God's nature, our discernment of right and wrong, our vision of His purpose - all of these elements feed into strengthening convictions that will prove what we are in the day of trial. We are concerned with the growth of these elements,  and their growth depends upon our day to day faithfulness in the little things of life.
(borrowed from: http://www.bibletools.org/)

**Conviction comes in all shapes and sizes. My convictions may not be those of any others. My convictions may not even be shared with my own husband.

I feel that in today's day and time we can come up with some piece of scripture (though it may be twisted completely out of context) to make it "okay" to do whatever we want. Just so we don't feel guilty about it in the end...

Convictions may include (but are not limited to ha!): alcohol consumption, drug use (or abuse), tobacco use (yup...getting all the "touchy" ones out first), body piercings, tattoos, clothing, hair styles/colors, choice in music, tv shows, movies, internet, books, choice language/vocabulary...and SO much more.

I have my own personal convictions. I feel that if I went against my own convictions that I would be placing a "wall" between God and myself. Definitely not saying that I'm perfect... we all sometimes slip and fall. :)

I firmly believe in taking responsibility for what I/you do or do not do. If I choose to go against my conviction - then it's completely on my own shoulders. No one else has to answer for my actions...it's all me.

I spent the evening with some of my very best friends. While there - we started talking about convictions of sort. Well, kind of. We were more focused on trying to justify the things that we feel convicted of.

If I choose to do something that I feel wrong doing, I shouldn't seek justification in doing that thing. I'm not going to go searching for someone (or a place) that says, "hey, it's okay if you smoke pot!" or "it's okay if you get drunk, just as long as you don't drive afterwards!" or "it's fine if you listen to that kind of music, as long as you don't take the words and meaning behind them to heart". I don't need acceptance for the things I chose to do.

I think that's what's wrong with a lot of "Christians" today. They have these convictions - they really don't feel what they are doing is right...so they seek out friends,family, church families, people in general who say it's okay. As if their permission dismisses our gut feelings. I think I'll start referring to these as "feel good" groups. I mean, it's okay to do things you've always stood against, as long as you have others standing beside you doing the same thing... and as long as you feel good about it, right??

Sad thing is...people are subjecting their innocent children to these things. *sigh* It breaks my heart.

Whew...okay - sorry about that randomness. It's just something that I really needed to get off of my chest. :) I wrote this post in my head on my way home from Aleisha & Joe's.

winds of change.

Today I discovered something. Well... I ran into an old discovery.

I don't do well with change.

I mean, I do... but I don't. Does that make sense??

Can't really go into much detail - but there is a lot of change in the near future, and I can't say that I'm too excited about it. :(

*sigh*

I believe.

I've been thinking. Scary, I know.

I've been thinking about a blog post that I read yesterday, on a fellow bloggers page. Her name is Lori, and she's such an encouragement to me. A wonderful woman of God. You can find her blog : : here : :

Lori's post got me to thinking. About (double)  blessings from God.

Sometimes I think that I view Lilly's death as a loss. Which, I mean...in all reality it was a loss. But I did have nine months with her. After four months of trying, Clif and I conceived a child. She is a blessing. Yes she died, yes we grieve every day... but she was (and still is) a beautiful gift from God.

And I also think that a lot of times the way I come across, that I think that God owes a double blessing to us. I mean, after all we've been through...I should get a re-do, right??

God doesn't owe me anything. Us anything. He doesn't owe us another child. He doesn't owe us explanation of why our first born is not here on earth with us. He doesn't owe us anything.

This is a bit of a different spin on what Lori was talking about... but it's just how it hit me.

I feel that sometimes when I write here, that I may come across the wrong way. I don't want you (my readers) to think that I blame God, that I expect things from God....

However, even though I know God doesn't owe me... I believe with all of my heart that there is something around the corner for Clif and me. I believe that God will bless us...in His own time, in a very special...unique way. I know that God does not intend to hurt/harm us...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....

I believe.

The Shack

So I'm reading the book "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Has anyone read it?? It's very interesting. I'm about halfway through. I think I'll post more after I finish. :)

growing tired of the rain.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who

gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are...no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried ,You hold in your hand

You never left my side...and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

~Casting Crowns~

I think it's okay to admit to you all that I'm having a really hard time praising Him in my storm.

The morning that Lilly died, I didn't think I could go on. I didn't want to go on. I literally wanted to lay down and die. I wondered how in the world God could allow something so horrible to happen in my life.

But then later that day I found peace. Peace from God. I knew that though my daughter was gone, that God would never do anything to harm me. He had a plan.

I didn't blame Him for my daughters death, but I rejoiced in Him. Praising Him for the nine months full of happiness that I had with my precious little girl.

That was hard.

As time has passed... life has been getting a little easier. Little being stressed.

And then there has been this week. These last few weeks. It's been hard. It's been tiresome. It's been emotional. And just plain suckie.

Ten months hit me hard. Really hard. As I said in an earlier post, it's official... she has been gone longer than she was here. That fact is very hard for me to wrap my mind around.

Little babies aren't supposed to die. They should symbolize life and happiness.

The number of pregnant women (that I know) seems to multiply by the day. I honestly don't know how much I can handle. I love these ladies, and I wish them nothing but the best...but it's hard. I find myself wanting to scream that it's not fair. Why do they all have what I so desperately want?

On November 13th,2009 I know that God had a plan. And on September 14th,2010... I know and believe that He STILL has a plan. It's just extremely difficult to understand right now. While I'm hurting - while my grief is still so fresh to me. I have to accept that my plans and my wants are not always what God has planned for me.

I honestly believe that God has a plan for children in our future. Whether it be by my womb or someone else's - I believe that there is a future for our family. I have to believe that. I've got to hold on to something...and move on.

I miss her more than I ever thought humanly possible.

Today...my heart is broken all over again.

ten months.

Dear Lillian Joy,

 It's been ten months since I heard the words "no hear beat". Ten months since our world came crashing down around us. Ten months since we saw your face for the first time. Ten months since we said "hello" and "goodbye" in the same breath.
 Ten months ago (today) my heart was full of emotion. Hate, anger, confusion, hurt, loss, sad, peace, acceptance and love. Though I was completely and utterly heartbroken, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew that even though we were crushed and confused, that God has (and still has) a perfect plan for our lives.
 You were/are a big part of that plan. I know it. How could you not be? You brought Daddy and I closer together than I ever thought possible. You helped heal our broken family. You had a hand in healing broken families.
 I've never known such a little girl have such a HUGE impact on lives all around the world. You truly are an amazing person. I can only hope that one day I will have touched as many lives as you.
 It's official. As of today, you have been gone longer than you were here. I'm having a really hard time accepting and dealing with that.
 People probably think I'm crazy - but sometimes I still feel you. It's weird being ten months post partum, yet still having phantom kicks. Still waking up some days and thinking you're still here with me.
 I long for you. I ache for you. I miss you. But most of all I love you.


Happy ten months in Heaven, Baby Girl.


Mommy and Daddy love you more than anyone could ever imagine...


Love,
Mommy

a half empty kind of day.

Sometimes I become so completely overwhelmed by my life that I can't breath..
I don't want to breath. I don't want to move, I don't want to be here...

Today I feel bad. Really bad. Worse than I have in quite a while.

It's grandparents day today. My parents, and Clif's mom are without their granddaughter. The granddaughter that we all expected to be here. She's gone. She's not here.

This has hit me... hard.

I hate feeling like this...feeling sorry for myself. But sometimes I just can't help it. It's the way it is.

Facebook wasn't a good place for me to be today. Though I don't blame them for doing it (because I would do it too), it seems like everyone is talking about and/or posting pictures about their existing children, or their children on the way.

I hope that this doesn't strike any of you the wrong way (because I truly don't mean to hurt ANYONE'S feelings) but... if I see another pregnant belly I think that I will puke. Literally.

Yesterday I went to a local arts & craft show with my mom and niece. Every where I turned there were pregnant people. I felt like I was suffocating... drowning...something.

Last year we went to the same arts & craft show. I was pregnant. I was the one that was oblivious to life. Ya know what I bought there? A sign... purple & pink, with butterflies...know what it says?? "Lilly's Room". It still hangs on her bedroom door.

...The bedroom that I still haven't cleaned out - still haven't packed up. How can I put those things away??

I ache to use those things...the clothes, the crib, the rocker, the hundreds of diapers...yet I am left with nothing.

Today I feel... empty.

indulge.

:) Just a short little happy post saying that after nine LONG months...


I ENJOYED A STARBUCKS GRANDE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!!


Ah...I feel better.

Nine months ago I swore off caffeine. For health purposes (addicted doesn't even BEGIN to describe caffeine and the old me), and for baby making purposes.

So today I decided to treat myself. And it was good. Really good.

the bottom line...

Even though the OPK said that I ovulated. I didn't.

Which means the bottom line is... I'm not pregnant.

Another wasted pregnancy test, a few more wasted dollars... and another month of results that I don't want.

I've been really busy. Really. And  that's why I say that I haven't been writing. Which I truly believe that it's almost the whole truth. Almost.

I guess another reason I haven't been writing is - I am bummed. I mean, here I am... 22 years old. Happily married. We both have good jobs. We have a house. We have two cars. We've got two extra rooms in our house. Yet it's just us...we are a family of three, but only two remain. (Here on earth anyways).

And ya know, since I haven't been posting the last several days... I haven't really had to think about things. It's easier to ignore them if I'm not constantly talking about them. Hmm. Not really sure if that's better or worse for me.

Oh well.

I started taking Provera (round 5) today. Wow. This is our fifth month of really trying to conceive again. At least, trying with medical help.

I'll wait for my cycle to start - and then I plan to use Evening Primrose Oil & Natural Progesterone Cream. Anyone heard of the brand Kal? It was suggested by a lady in my church. I went to Natures Outlet to look for it, and they didn't have it in stock. And there are like a dozen different types.

*sigh*

Well that's just a little update of what's going on with me. Another day, another heartbreak... another day of looking forward.

i'm not dead.

:) Just busy. New post coming soon. Hope all are well.

His Excellent Greatness.

Psalm 105:1

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.

**Celebrating good news alone doesn't seem to satisfy you as much as sharing it with others. When something awesome has happened to you, share it with others so that they may rejoice with you. Together, you'll both be able to tell of His excellent greatness!**

These little inspirations come from Rev. O's blog. He can be found  ::here:: It's amazing how so many of his inspirations are exactly what I need for the day. I guess God's good like that. No, actually I know God is good like that.

I have faith & hope that after (and maybe before?) this surgery, God will grant us with the desire of our hearts. A second child. A baby to love.

Grazei!Merci!Gracias!ThankYou!

I just wanted to take a second and thank each and every one of you for praying for me.

Chill bumps pop up all over my body when I think about all the people that love,care, and pray for Clif and me. There are people all over the US...all over the world. We have friends and loved ones in so many different places.

I feel so blessed to have so many family members, friends, and blogger friends who are willing to pray for me.

So thank you. You all have a part in everything that is happening...and everything that will happen in the future.

Thank you so much for being my little prayer warriors.

Love to you all!!

Ok Anthem, maybe I like you...a little.

Praise the Lord! I received a phone call from my nurse "C" this afternoon to let me know that my insurance has approved the surgery. :)

I go in November 1st for pre op at Dr S office, and then I have to go somewhere for them to do my blood work, to meet with the anesthesiologist and a few other things. Surgery is scheduled for November 2nd at 12:00. Clif and I have to be at the hospital at 10am.

I cannot even begin to tell you how relived I am. When she said that they had approved it, I wanted to cry. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, my heart.

What an amazing blessing God has given to Clif and I today.

I'm sure that after the surgery the bills will roll in - but for now, we're happy.

Thank you God...

Waiting & Hopeful

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

*****

Sometimes it's hard to wait. Actually, most times it's hard to wait. Especially when you are waiting on something that you so desperately want. And in this case, I think not only do I want it. I need it. The more and more I read about PCOS, I realize that I just can't go on living with it and not be treated. It could cause serious problems.

I think the biggest issue for me is weight. I've lost a few ounces shy of 50 pounds since November of last year. Which is huge. I mean - fifty pounds in less than a year?? That's impressive if I do say so myself. But I need to lose more. About 30 pounds. I was over weight when I got pregnant with Lilly. Which now looking back, I gained a lot of weight when I went off birth control. Which means I wasn't having cycles...more than likely due to the PCOS. All the puzzle pieces are finally coming together.

I've lost and maintained two pounds this week. I know that it doesn't sound like much...but it's big for me. I read that even losing ten pounds can help with PCOS and even sometimes triggers ovulation.

And ya know, with all of these crazy things happening to my body here lately... I have started to realize how complex the human body really is. It's absolutely amazing how God created us.

I only wish my body did what it should be doing...instead of causing me so much grief...

I'm gonna keep runnin', try not to worry, and concentrate on NOT fainting.

Isaiah 40:31


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Sometimes, we have to hurry up and wait for God to reveal His greatness! In time, the strength you thought you lost will be restored if you don't give up on your goal beforehand. In fact, your goal will become easier to obtain when you realize that if you don't finish it, it will only continue to bother you. Today, don't faint, stay strong!

**********************

**Well, a little update on the insurance issue at hand. I've got nothing. HA! I never heard anything yesterday. I called around 9:00 this morning to leave the nurse a voicemail - and she answered. I asked her if she had heard anything, and she was like... "Well, I had to send off to booking for the hospital yesterday - and got that back yesterday afternoon. So this morning I sent everything to insurance - so I should be able to let you know something by this afternoon." I'm pretty much worried sick. I know that even with the insurance covering the surgery that I'll have to shell out thousands of dollars in the long run. We're prepared for whatever we might face - if only we could get this surgery approved!

I think I'm going to ask the nurse (if the insurance approves the surgery) if Dr S will call me some provera in, so I can take it and have regular periods while I'm waiting for surgery. If he'll do that - I am going to give this natural progesterone cream a shot. I keep hearing good things about it. It's worth a try, right?

Please continue to pray for Clif and I as we wait to hear back from the doctors office. Pray that the Lord will prepare our hearts for whatever may happen.