Tuesday, September 14, 2010

growing tired of the rain.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who
gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are...no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried ,You hold in your hand
You never left my side...and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

~Casting Crowns~

I think it's okay to admit to you all that I'm having a really hard time praising Him in my storm.

The morning that Lilly died, I didn't think I could go on. I didn't want to go on. I literally wanted to lay down and die. I wondered how in the world God could allow something so horrible to happen in my life.

But then later that day I found peace. Peace from God. I knew that though my daughter was gone, that God would never do anything to harm me. He had a plan.

I didn't blame Him for my daughters death, but I rejoiced in Him. Praising Him for the nine months full of happiness that I had with my precious little girl.

That was hard.

As time has passed... life has been getting a little easier. Little being stressed.

And then there has been this week. These last few weeks. It's been hard. It's been tiresome. It's been emotional. And just plain suckie.

Ten months hit me hard. Really hard. As I said in an earlier post, it's official... she has been gone longer than she was here. That fact is very hard for me to wrap my mind around.

Little babies aren't supposed to die. They should symbolize life and happiness.

The number of pregnant women (that I know) seems to multiply by the day. I honestly don't know how much I can handle. I love these ladies, and I wish them nothing but the best...but it's hard. I find myself wanting to scream that it's not fair. Why do they all have what I so desperately want?

On November 13th,2009 I know that God had a plan. And on September 14th,2010... I know and believe that He STILL has a plan. It's just extremely difficult to understand right now. While I'm hurting - while my grief is still so fresh to me. I have to accept that my plans and my wants are not always what God has planned for me.

I honestly believe that God has a plan for children in our future. Whether it be by my womb or someone else's - I believe that there is a future for our family. I have to believe that. I've got to hold on to something...and move on.

I miss her more than I ever thought humanly possible.

Today...my heart is broken all over again.


Anonymous said...

Praying things get better.

croleyc69 said...

Praying {{HUGS}}


Trennia said...

so sorry (((HUGS)))
I'm praying for you.

Holly said...

((hug)) Praying for God to wrap His arms around you

Jessica said...

Praying for you!!

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