Oh what fun it is to...be poked and prodded?

So...AF has arrived. Kinda. And as always, it was medicine induced. My last cycle (pre surgery) was weird, and this one is too. I think it's because when I used to see Dr G, he would have me take the Provera for ten days. Because there was lack of time before my surgery, Dr S had me take five days worth. That's what I did this time too. Has anyone else heard taken Provera (progesterone) for just five days? Anyways, it's got my cycles all screwed up and weird - but on the bright side of things, the side effects are so much less severe. :)
I called the doctors office to talk to "K", Dr S's nurse. And when they transferred me to her voicemail (I asked for Dr S's nurse), it wasn't her. :( It's still a "K"...but it's not the original "K". And when I talked to the new nurse, she said that "K" wasn't there, and that she didn't have access to the appointment calendar yet... and then transferred me to the front desk. Hm. I really don't want to have to go through meeting another nurse, telling her my story, and for her to deal with my screwed up body. Geez. I'm really hoping that she meant that "K" is on vacation, or leave or something...and not gone for good. She was young, and had experienced loss as well. She "got" me. Of course, I guess if you are going to be Dr S's nurse...that you kinda have to be nice to women like me. It's your job to deal with all the infertiles of the world. Okay, maybe not of the world... but at least a good number of women within the area.
That all said, I have an appointment at 8:15 on Friday for my baseline ultrasound. Apparently they have never called it that before, because after I hung up I was confused. :) So what did I do? Ask Dr Google of course! This is what I found...

Baseline Ultrasound•An ultrasound examination conducted at the outset of therapy in order to determine the general position and condition of the ovaries.

Apparently...I've been having these for almost three years now. And oh what FUN they are (not)! Oh well, at this point, I feel that everyone has seen "it"... and it doesn't even phase me anymore. Unless the doctor, plus several interns happen to see my peanut butter & jelly undies. :)
After my appointment, as long as there are no large cysts, I will be starting round 6 of Clomid sometime in the next few days. Whew...
Please begin praying with Clif and me, that if it be His will... that this month might be the month. :) What an awesome early birthday present that would be!
God bless!

family.

Today I went to a family reunion. I had to go without my husband, because of his conflicting work schedule.

I really thought it would be okay, being by myself I mean. My parents were there, my brother,niece, nephew...cousins, aunts & uncles. But it was a lot harder than I had anticipated.

When we walked up, I saw a familiar face...one that I hadn't seen in two years. My uncle Rufus. He's my grandpa's only living brother. My grandpa has been gone for nine years. Since his funeral, I kind of took to my uncle Rufus. He looks so much like my pawpa. I love both of those men very much.

I went to my uncle, expecting him not to know who I was. You see, he'll be 94 years old in November. But as soon as I made eye contact, he knew me. Without a doubt. It made me feel good on the inside. And it also made me sad.

Uncle Rufus loved Clif when he met him. He even managed to come to our wedding (Pretty sure he drove himself) three years ago. Every time we went to see him after we were married, he would always look at my stomach and say, "no bump yet?". I was terrified that he'd ask. How could I have told him? I had decided that I wouldn't tell him...that I'd play it off. But how could I do that and dishonor my baby girl?? Thank God he didn't ask. :)

Whew.

I avoided talking to too many people. You see, last year Clif and I went together...with Lilly (very apparent) in my tummy. I didn't want people to ask. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me - though I know that a lot of them already knew.

There was a moment that I thought that I would lose it. The relative who heads the reunion up every year was talking. He was asking if there were any newly weds, any active military men/women... and then he asked if there were any new babies this year. My heart was in my throat. He didn't ask if there were any deaths...people tend to block out the sad stuff.

People are so oblivious to my pain. Oblivious to the pain of all babyloss mama & daddy's. And I'm glad. I don't want anyone to know this pain.


And on top of all of that, and having to face it "alone"... AF decided to pay me a visit. And let's just say...she's letting it be known that she's here. I actually stayed home from church tonight. Very unlike me. *sigh* I am really dreading work tomorrow.

Today just hurt.

finally...

Well, apparently AF had forgave me our past differences and decided she'd give me another try! Thank you Jesus. :)

I'm in pain... a lot of it. Worse than the last time - but I am welcoming it! I went to Wal*Mart, got some pain medication and I'm good to go!

Called Dr.S this morning (my RE) and have my appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30 for the ultrasound. Though I'm not looking forward to THAT particular part of this journey, I am anxious about the other parts that are to come.

Please pray with us that the IUI done this cycle will work, and that we won't have to do it again!!!! :) Thanks to all who have been praying and will continue to do so. Y'all are the best.

Dear AF...

Dear AF (aka: Aunt Flo),
   I know that we haven't gotten along in the past. Something must have happened back when I was thirteen years old, as I've noticed that you don't like to come visit anymore...unless forced by the doctors.
   Today I'm desperately asking you to put the past behind us and come and visit. I know, weird. No one really likes you...and I know that I've even said that I've hated you in the past...but I'm asking you now. Please come and visit me today. I actually am really looking forward to seeing you this month.
   You arriving means that I get to go meet with Dr S again. I'll have my ultrasound (another much hated thing) and get to hear if I'm producing little eggies.
    Please please please come. :)

Anxiously awaiting your arrival,
                                         Desiree