on the road again...

Well...we are on the road. :) Off to the beach. We accidentally slept late (late being 6:30) and stopped and got breakfast at Mickey D's...so now, at 8:20, we are finally on I-81.

Last night (our visit to the cemetery) was tough. Just like I thought it would be. It's always so sad and depressing going there...not only to visit & honor our own daughter, but to see all the other children buried there. Lilly is buried in what they call "The Garden Of Innocence"...it's where the babies/young children are. Her little neighbor is a little boy that passed away in February 2010. Last night when we went, there was a "fresh" grave, couldn't have been more than a few days old. No matter how many times I go and how many new graves I see...it still breaks my heart every time.

I think that going there last night was harder on Clif than it was me. I go there pretty often, but because of his weird work schedule (and just not "liking" than kind of thing) he doesn't get to visit very often. It broke my heart seeing him hurt like he was...to see the tears streaming down his cheeks and know that there is nothing that I can do to take it away. There is nothing I can do to make it better.

There have been so many sweet people that have reached out to us the last few days. I've received phone calls, emails, facebook messages & comments... we've gotten numerous cards...from people we know & love... and strangers that we don't know...and love :) You all have been amazing in supporting us.

I thought everyone would forget...that these days would go unnoticed. But they haven't - and for that, I am so grateful.

Sunday morning when we got to church, there was a huge bouquet of white & pink lilies, and pink roses. It was beautiful. My parents had bought them in honor of Lilly...and she was mentioned in the service as well. They did this last Sunday because they knew we wouldn't be in town for church this coming up Sunday.

On Monday night Clif called me on his way out to work, and said that I had a card in the mail, and also a package from Sufficient Grace Ministries. :) The card was from a fellow BLM, and the package was the suncatcher that I won on SGM blog. The card from "J" was so sweet - and she included a little handmade gift. The suncatcher is beautiful :) It's small - so I have it hanging from the rear view mirror in my car. It has blue, clear, and pink bead like thingies...and then little silver and diamond looking things, and an awareness ribbon at the bottom.

Yesterday, my brother in law & his girlfriend (one of my bestest friends... might as well be my SIL), brought me lilies and a card. Well, it was really for me and Clif... but I'm the more sentimental of the two :) And then when we went to the cemetery, there were matching flowers there for her.  Her Uncle & Aunt had left them for her.

Last night when we got home, there were three cards in the mail. One from my grandmother, one from our aunt & uncle...and one from very special friends B & R from our church.

I am overwhelmed at how many people are remembering our sweet little girl. :) You all are amazing...and I love you for it.

I'll be checking in every now and again while we're gone... posting when I can. Thank you all in advance for all the prayers sent up for Clif & me. We love you all!!

I will remember...

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you...

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this...

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time...Such a long road...All this madness...

But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you...While your heart beats here 

Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you

All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me to carry you ...

October 15th...

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. I never wanted to be part of this group. To be quite honest... it sucks.

Tonight I am remembering my precious baby girl, Lillian Joy Smith... my perfect angel gone from this earth too soon.

Though I am hurting...and this day is a reminder of what I do not have. Though today is a reminder of all the people effected by miscarriage,stillbirth, and infant loss...I am proud. Proud to be her Mommy.

Along with remembering my baby girl, I'm remembering the precious little ones of many MANY friends too. You all are in my thoughts and prayers today.