baby shower & week 25 belly shots!

Wow...it's been a few days, and I have a lot to update on! :) So please bare with me, and I'll try to make it as short as possible.
On Friday, we celebrated our four year wedding anniversary. We started off by getting pedicures (and for me a manicure & long overdue eyebrow waxing), and then headed to dinner at our favorite Japanese Steakhouse. YUMMY! It was a good night, hanging out... just the two of us. We enjoyed it, for sure!! Especially knowing that there won't be too many (if any) more nights like that for a LOOONG while.
Saturday was shower day :) YAY! I was able to sleep in, and even after waking up I lounged around the house...ate breakfast (which was actually grilled cheese for brunch), watched tv...and didn't even start to get ready until noon. Very nice!
Our shower was... awesome. I've never seen a baby shower like it. Let's just say that we know a lot of people. I've only ever had two "real" jobs... but I made a lot of friends along the way. On top of that, there were friends that we have met through Clif's jobs... friends we've just met along the way, family and lots of church family.
I must say... I've got the most awesome church family, at least... I think so. They really went out of their way to make our shower a success. I give the credit to my parents for getting the church decorated, and then me, mom and my niece, Katie, spent several hours making cupcakes. :) The ladies of the church stepped in and made a TON of food. And you definitely could tell that it was a pregnant lady that had requested the food...my menu included, veggie pizza, cucumber sandwiches, pineapple cheese ball (made by a work friend), sausage balls, pigs in blankets, queso cheese dip, cheese & pickle trays, meat balls, and fruit with fruit dip. YUM! Oh, and we washed it all down with my mom's homemade lime punch. :) LOVE that stuff.
We had an AMAZING turn out of 70 people. Clif and I were completely overwhelmed by all the people, the gifts... but most of all the love and support. We are privileged to have some pretty awesome people in our lives.
Starting out...my mom (the host) had everyone introduce themselves, and how they knew me. Then Mom's best friend, Pat, had a small devotional (thanks Pat!). Then games...put together by two pretty awesome ladies that weren't able to attend due to a death in their family (please continue to be in prayer for the "B" family with the loss of their father). We had to break up the gift opening...half before the refreshments, and half afterwards. Thank goodness! I was getting pretty hungry...which happens a lot these days.
All in all, the shower was a success. We saw people that we hadn't seen in AGES...which was such a blessing. :) Please enjoy shower photos, and also...my 25 weeks belly shots (a few days late!).
Tomorrow marks 26 weeks of pregnancy, and we have our 26 week appointment on Thursday at 1:30. :) Looking forward to that...and praying that Dr.G will tell me that we are going to start appointments every week now. It would be so much more peace of mind since I am home dwelling on my pregnancy all the time now! :)
Okay...shutting up...enjoy the pictures!

four years :)

God has been so incredibly good to us these last four years (not to mention the years before). He has made it possible to do many things over the course of our marriage, that would have never ever been possible without Him.

I can't believe the memories we have considering it's only been a "short" time that we have been together. We have the memory of our first rental, then moving into a one bedroom house that our church has while the closing on our house went through...moving into our new house, painting,remodeling, decorating. Memories of our Tennessee honeymoon, and then our first summer vacation as a married couple...to the beach. :) The first time that Clif ever saw the ocean. Buying our first car together, getting our first pet...

Oh! And saying goodbye to my childhood pet :(

Starting the journey of trying to conceive...and then, it actually happening!!! Watching my body change as I carried our first born baby girl. And then saying goodbye to her.

These last eighteen months have brought us much closer...we've clung to one another for strength that neither of us knew we even had. We've held each other together....while the world around us fell apart.

Who would have ever thought that we would have gone through so many things in such a short period of time? So many people would have took off running in opposite directions when problems arose... but we've struggled through it. And here we are! :)

*Almost* six years of being together, four years of being married...houses,cars, pets, vacations, fun, heartache...FOUR kids :)

Ah, the triplets. Who would have thought? We always joked that when we started having children, that we might end up with twins - because they run on both sides of our families. SURPRISE! Even though we had a little help from our friends Clomid, Ovidrel & Dr.S...we are going to have THREE babies at one time!!

Our life together has been so blessed...and we couldn't be happier for the things that God has blessed us with.
I am anxiously awaiting what God has in store for us in the years to come. No matter what He throws at us, I believe with all my heart, that Clif and I can make it through. It might be hard, we might not like it...or maybe we will...but we'll come out more in love than we are today.
Happy 4th Anniversary, My Love. You're my world, my everything...my best friend...and I love you with all of my heart. Thank for you the best four (plus some) years of my life. I wouldn't change anything...because we are who we are because of the things that we've been through.



a dear friend.

This person may not even know how special he really is to me. I don't even really know him all that well. But the things that I do know about him are all good :) He is a good man.
We will call him "R". He actually used to be Clif's boss at a part time job. He's only a few years older than us.
"R" is a caring,generous, and all around sweet guy. One day he will make someone very happy.
The reason I am even bringing him up is because of something I thought of today. I was in the kitchen,making my fudge (that turned out very yummy, by the way!)...and I was thinking about all the people that reached out to us during the first few weeks following Lilly's death. All the calls, visits, cards...gifts...it was overwhelming.
November 13th,2009 was a long day...and by the end of that day I was spent...in every single sense of the word. But I wanted to show the world my baby, and let everyone know what happened. So Clif and I (together) logged onto facebook... not knowing what we may find when signing in.
The very first person to contact me (other than calls & visits) was "R". When I read his kind,heartfelt message I bawled like a baby. Seriously sobbed. He told me how much he was praying for us, and how loved we were by so many people. He closed with "dearly love you both".
I don't know why that stuck with me over time... but it has. Someone who had been in our lives for such a short time...a friend that truly cared.
I don't know if I've ever shared this before... but it crossed my mind. :) I am so very grateful for kind people like "R".

CrAzY iN lOvE

:)

I've been off of work for the last few days - and so was Clif. So we got to spend some much needed time together! I really really enjoyed it, especially right in the middle of a two week night shift schedule.

Monday I let him sleep in (since he was coming off of a 12 hour shift), he got up around 2:30. I spent the morning finishing up his Christmas shopping and then went to my moms house to wrap it all :) When he woke up there were three giant packages in the living room. He hasn't a CLUE as to what they are. Makes me happy. I love surprising him.

That evening was spent making Christmas candy, talking, eating home made Chicken & Dumplings, watching movies and eating popcorn. I had a blast.

Oh, and we can't forget about the wrestling! No no, not like that...get your mind out of the gutter. :) Like literally wrestling. It's so much fun. Clif had to go through an academy of sorts, so we knows a lot of "moves"... but I have busted out a few moves of my own. :) All made up by me.


Yesterday we slept in, ate some pizza...lounged around, and then headed to the mall. We walked around for an hour or so, bought him a game for his Playstation, and then we were on our way to the Daniels house for dinner :) Aleisha cooked for us - beef stirfry, rice, and apple crumb pie with icecream. YUM!

Clif had a blast playing with "T", our goddaughter. She is VERT mobile now...always running around getting into something. She is a doll :) Love her!

So the last few days have been eventful...and fun packed. :)

On a more serious note - please be praying, Clif is going to be calling my doctors office today to find out if they will call the insurance company to see if I can get more appointments. I'm really worried about this... worried that they wont give me any more appointments.

I have such high hopes for this months cycle...and I'm terrified that I'm going to be disappointed once again. I am trying to TRUST the Lord...that what happens is his will. I just...want this so bad. I can almost "taste" it.
I can see myself being pregnant again...and I haven't been able to "see" that in a while. A long while. I keep thinking of all the things that I wish I had done differently during my pregnancy with Lilly. And I know that I'm going to have SO much more stuff with my next, if the Lord sees fit to bless us again.

*sigh* I hate ending this post on such a sad note... but it's just how I'm feeling lately. When Clif is working nights, I have a lot of time to think...and that normally gets me in trouble. At least with myself.

I keep praying and praying...and hoping and then praying some more. I never thought in a million years that I would be struggling with infertility, and that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. It breaks my heart... especially when I think of all the women who are going through the same things that I am. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of longing,hoping,waiting,praying...I know that it's all part of it... but it just...hurts.

I see friends with their children, and can't help but think about the way things could have been. I think back to how happy and carefree I was while pregnant with Lilly Bean. I remember the showers...and gifts, and how excited I was to bring home my little "Joy".

Crazy in love...but completely heartbroken.

11.13.2010

I don't know what it is about this picture, but it's like it says everything that my heart is feeling today. It's going to be a tough day. It will also be another day without her.

It's been a long...hard year for us. We've had many ups and downs, and we've never stopped thinking about and missing our precious little Lilly.

I'm flooded with a million different emotions as I type these words...and yet, for some reason they leave my brain as soon as my fingers touch the keys.

Lillian Joy Smith...though she was only here for 9 short months...will always be my world. She will always have my heart.

Today will be spent remembering her. And if you're reading this... I have a request for you. Remember her with us. As uncomfortable as it may make you...to remember a dead baby... remember her. And honor her by telling someone her story. Tell what an amazing little girl she still is. Tell of the lives that she has touched, and the ones that she continues to touch. And more importantly, tell of the reason that Lilly's Mommy and Daddy were able to make it through that day...and the 365 that followed. Tell of the Comforter. Tell of His love...tell of His death, and the reasoning behind it.

My one wish is that people would come to Him... because of her life. I know that she has already touched the lives of many, and I know that as long as her story is still being told...others will continue to be touched.

Happy Birthday my sweet Lilly Bean...I love you!

on the road again...

Well...we are on the road. :) Off to the beach. We accidentally slept late (late being 6:30) and stopped and got breakfast at Mickey D's...so now, at 8:20, we are finally on I-81.

Last night (our visit to the cemetery) was tough. Just like I thought it would be. It's always so sad and depressing going there...not only to visit & honor our own daughter, but to see all the other children buried there. Lilly is buried in what they call "The Garden Of Innocence"...it's where the babies/young children are. Her little neighbor is a little boy that passed away in February 2010. Last night when we went, there was a "fresh" grave, couldn't have been more than a few days old. No matter how many times I go and how many new graves I see...it still breaks my heart every time.

I think that going there last night was harder on Clif than it was me. I go there pretty often, but because of his weird work schedule (and just not "liking" than kind of thing) he doesn't get to visit very often. It broke my heart seeing him hurt like he was...to see the tears streaming down his cheeks and know that there is nothing that I can do to take it away. There is nothing I can do to make it better.

There have been so many sweet people that have reached out to us the last few days. I've received phone calls, emails, facebook messages & comments... we've gotten numerous cards...from people we know & love... and strangers that we don't know...and love :) You all have been amazing in supporting us.

I thought everyone would forget...that these days would go unnoticed. But they haven't - and for that, I am so grateful.

Sunday morning when we got to church, there was a huge bouquet of white & pink lilies, and pink roses. It was beautiful. My parents had bought them in honor of Lilly...and she was mentioned in the service as well. They did this last Sunday because they knew we wouldn't be in town for church this coming up Sunday.

On Monday night Clif called me on his way out to work, and said that I had a card in the mail, and also a package from Sufficient Grace Ministries. :) The card was from a fellow BLM, and the package was the suncatcher that I won on SGM blog. The card from "J" was so sweet - and she included a little handmade gift. The suncatcher is beautiful :) It's small - so I have it hanging from the rear view mirror in my car. It has blue, clear, and pink bead like thingies...and then little silver and diamond looking things, and an awareness ribbon at the bottom.

Yesterday, my brother in law & his girlfriend (one of my bestest friends... might as well be my SIL), brought me lilies and a card. Well, it was really for me and Clif... but I'm the more sentimental of the two :) And then when we went to the cemetery, there were matching flowers there for her.  Her Uncle & Aunt had left them for her.

Last night when we got home, there were three cards in the mail. One from my grandmother, one from our aunt & uncle...and one from very special friends B & R from our church.

I am overwhelmed at how many people are remembering our sweet little girl. :) You all are amazing...and I love you for it.

I'll be checking in every now and again while we're gone... posting when I can. Thank you all in advance for all the prayers sent up for Clif & me. We love you all!!

I will remember...

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you...

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this...

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time...Such a long road...All this madness...

But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you...While your heart beats here 

Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you

All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me to carry you ...

up to *here* with it.

I am fed up with feeling sorry for myself. But on the other hand, I don't know how to move past it.

I'm stuck.

How can I move on? I avoid pregnant women. I avoid women with babies. I avoid people in general. And on top of that... people avoid me. People I know. People who haven't said two words to me since Lilly died. I hate this feeling.

People walk around on eggshells around me. They look at me as if I am going to lose "it" (whatever "it" is) at any moment.

Well newsflash for you. I might just lose it. I might cry. I might want what you have. But that's okay.

My daughter died. I'm hurting...and I think I always will in some way or another. But I don't deserve to be treated like a stranger. I don't deserve to be ignored. And I don't deserve to be treated like I'm five.

The world hasn't stopped because of my loss. Men and women still fall in love. Those women still get pregnant...and they still have perfectly healthy babies. They still grow their families. And they're still happy.

Maybe I'm not "happy" per say. Maybe I'm still trying to sort through a lot. But don't ignore me. It just makes it worse.

Where did this come from?? Well...someone I know had a baby not to long after I had Lilly. I saw the baby with the grandparents in Wal*Mart last night. I have a very good feeling that they saw me - but it was like I had the plague. Like it hurt them to even look at me.

Again. I hate this feeling.

And you know what another feeling I hate is?? I don't know what to call it, but I sure know how to describe it.

I hate that because I am completely BROKEN (yes still) over my daughters death that people are continuously trying to attack me. Using every little instance to try and "get back" at me for grieving.

Let me just say that I know several people who never liked my choice of friends. Some friends even voiced their dislike of others. So... I know how they feel about them. Or at least used to.

This is going to be confusing, but I feel that I have to be vague. Why? Because I don't want to be accused of name calling on my blog.

Let me just set the scene.

A few years back, my best friend announced that she was getting married. I was floored. She was getting married to someone that I had never met (until minutes before telling me). Though I wasn't thrilled... I was happy for her. And jumped on the band wagon.

A lot happened between the initial announcement of their marriage and their wedding.

By the time they were married, my friend and I were no longer speaking.

I went to their wedding, probably for selfish reasons more than any. I didn't want to be accused of not being there - and I just wanted to see how things played out. So I went. I was not kind. I didn't speak an ill word towards her, but as they say... looks speak a thousand words.

I will not say that I didn't speak ill things of her to others. I did. I was hurt (as was she). I felt betrayed. I had lost my best friend.

In October of 2009, just days before my daughter passed away, this estranged friend of mine contacted me. She sent me a box full of gifts for mine and Clif's bundle of joy. She also sent a letter. I caved. I sent her a letter back. We started texting back & forth - and then finally we had our first phone conversation in almost a year since they had been married.

At this point and time they had a daughter...our now goddaughter.

I missed their daughter being born. I wasn't there for her when I know that I should have been.

I saw my friend for the first time in almost a year two days before I went into the hospital for my induction. I can't tell you how happy I was. We had made amends.

I found out last week that this friend is pregnant again. Now before you guys comment with the "oh Desiree I'm so sorry...this must be so hard on you's" don't. Yes, it's going to be hard watching my best friend become a mother for the second time. But I'm thrilled for her. And I want her to know that. This situation is in no way about me. I am praying & hoping for a smooth, healthy pregnancy...and a beautiful healthy baby.

Why all of this?? Well now I'm finally getting to my point.

This is one of those instances that I feel is being used against me. As I've said several times over the last few months - I know several people that are pregnant. One of these "preggos" doesn't particularly "like" my said friend. It's been a competition...for, oh I don't know...since I was 17. But anyways...

Since the news of my friend being pregnant was announced, this person who doesn't particularly "like" her... has befriended her. If that's what you want to call it.

I will say here and now...maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's all innocent. But I highly doubt it.

I view this instance as "Oh, "A" is pregnant now...that's going to put a strain on her relationship with Desiree. Let's see if I can slip in a few things to make it look like "A" and I are friends...since well, we have so much in common now. I mean, we are both pregnant! Maybe just maybe I can try and turn Desiree against "A". Hm, I don't really like "A" but it's a shot."

Well here is some news. It's not going to work. Pretend like you're her friend if you want. All three of us know the truth.

My friend being pregnant is NOT going to come between her and me. I intend on praying for her on a daily basis, I plan on being there for her whenever she needs me...and I plan on being around when she brings her second baby into the world.

Whew. Taking a deep breath.

Once again...I hate this feeling. I guess I did find a name for it, it's called attack.

we're in the jungle, baby.

Wow...okay this post is WAY over due. :) Here are some pictures of our NC Zoo trip - the day before Mother's Day. It was SO hot...but we had a blast. :) I absolutely love the first picture, of the lion. She laid like that the whole time we were watching her.

25 Reasons I Love You More Than Ice Cream...

1. You're always there for me.
2. You don't judge me.
3. You love me unconditionally.
4. You're my best friend.
5. You always tell me what you think,
6. You provide for me.
7. You stick up for me (even when you know I'm wrong).
8. You always kiss me goodnight.
9. You never let a day pass without telling me that you love me.
10. You make me laugh.
11. You are always honest with me.
12. You care about how I feel.
13. You love my family.
14. You stay married to me (lol).
15. You always know what I need, even when I don't.
16. You always put others before yourself.
17. You love children.
18. You rub my back (all the time!).
19. You pray with me.
20. You admit when you are wrong.
21. You are not proud.
22. You smile when you see me.
23. You are you.
24. You love me for me.
25. You are the reason I'm a mommy.