Wednesday, December 15, 2010

CrAzY iN lOvE


I've been off of work for the last few days - and so was Clif. So we got to spend some much needed time together! I really really enjoyed it, especially right in the middle of a two week night shift schedule.

Monday I let him sleep in (since he was coming off of a 12 hour shift), he got up around 2:30. I spent the morning finishing up his Christmas shopping and then went to my moms house to wrap it all :) When he woke up there were three giant packages in the living room. He hasn't a CLUE as to what they are. Makes me happy. I love surprising him.

That evening was spent making Christmas candy, talking, eating home made Chicken & Dumplings, watching movies and eating popcorn. I had a blast.

Oh, and we can't forget about the wrestling! No no, not like that...get your mind out of the gutter. :) Like literally wrestling. It's so much fun. Clif had to go through an academy of sorts, so we knows a lot of "moves"... but I have busted out a few moves of my own. :) All made up by me.

Yesterday we slept in, ate some pizza...lounged around, and then headed to the mall. We walked around for an hour or so, bought him a game for his Playstation, and then we were on our way to the Daniels house for dinner :) Aleisha cooked for us - beef stirfry, rice, and apple crumb pie with icecream. YUM!

Clif had a blast playing with "T", our goddaughter. She is VERT mobile now...always running around getting into something. She is a doll :) Love her!

So the last few days have been eventful...and fun packed. :)

On a more serious note - please be praying, Clif is going to be calling my doctors office today to find out if they will call the insurance company to see if I can get more appointments. I'm really worried about this... worried that they wont give me any more appointments.

I have such high hopes for this months cycle...and I'm terrified that I'm going to be disappointed once again. I am trying to TRUST the Lord...that what happens is his will. I just...want this so bad. I can almost "taste" it.
I can see myself being pregnant again...and I haven't been able to "see" that in a while. A long while. I keep thinking of all the things that I wish I had done differently during my pregnancy with Lilly. And I know that I'm going to have SO much more stuff with my next, if the Lord sees fit to bless us again.

*sigh* I hate ending this post on such a sad note... but it's just how I'm feeling lately. When Clif is working nights, I have a lot of time to think...and that normally gets me in trouble. At least with myself.

I keep praying and praying...and hoping and then praying some more. I never thought in a million years that I would be struggling with infertility, and that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. It breaks my heart... especially when I think of all the women who are going through the same things that I am. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of longing,hoping,waiting,praying...I know that it's all part of it... but it just...hurts.

I see friends with their children, and can't help but think about the way things could have been. I think back to how happy and carefree I was while pregnant with Lilly Bean. I remember the showers...and gifts, and how excited I was to bring home my little "Joy".

Crazy in love...but completely heartbroken.


Jessica said...

I'm glad you had much needed time with your husband! I love those days and cherish them myself! I know what you mean about thinking about the way things could have been. If everything went ok I would have Riley now. Even if that loss had still happened I would be 28 weeks along with Peyton - but it was not meant to be - my stupid uterus has been making it impossible. I hate my uterus right now. I know how much it sucks to go cycle to cycle. I have not been able to TTC since August and I hate it! Now with my uterus issues I don't know when I can again. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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