Merry Christmas From The Smith's

Clif and I would like to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas! We hope and pray that you all have a blessed Holiday...filled with family,friends, and love.
We also pray that you all will remember the reason for celebrating today. It's not the gifts, it's not the lights... the trees, the food...or even the family. It's about the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ! Clif and I are so privileged to be born again Christians, and know that because God sent his Son into the world...that we have an eternal home.
Our wish for you this Christmas is, that if you don't know Jesus as your own personal Savior...that you may not wait another day. That you might ask Him to come into your heart and save you. There is no promise of tomorrow...don't wait until it's too late!!
Merry Christmas to you all. May God bless you on this very special day.

ready or not, here it comes...

Christmas that is.

I'm not sure how I feel about Christmas this year. It's a mix of emotions, to say the least. First of all, I do recognize that it's a celebration of our Saviour's birth, and that it's not about me. It's not about anyone, or anything.

I'm sad...yet, excited.

Sad, of course because of the emotions that still remain from loosing Lilly. Each day is hard for us, but the Holidays always bring a pain of their own. Excited, because of what may be. Or just excited because my body produced eggs and did what it's supposed to do!

I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...for the first time in a long time, I am experiencing excitement. There is hope. And dare I say, I'm happy.

Lillian Joy will be missed forever, and remembered too. Last year was tough, but this year is different. Pain still remains, but right beside it sits hope.

I pray that each and every one of you have a wonderful Christmas filled with family, love, joy & hope. And remember...JESUS is the reason for the season!! God bless.

Jesus vs. Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole ...

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...

JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...

JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...

JESUS stands at your door and knocks,

and then enters your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is

"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...

JESUS knew our name before we were born...

Not only does He know our name,

He knows our address too.

He knows our history and future and

He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...

JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts,

repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but ...

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...

JESUS became our gift and died on a tree....

The cross.

CrAzY iN lOvE

:)

I've been off of work for the last few days - and so was Clif. So we got to spend some much needed time together! I really really enjoyed it, especially right in the middle of a two week night shift schedule.

Monday I let him sleep in (since he was coming off of a 12 hour shift), he got up around 2:30. I spent the morning finishing up his Christmas shopping and then went to my moms house to wrap it all :) When he woke up there were three giant packages in the living room. He hasn't a CLUE as to what they are. Makes me happy. I love surprising him.

That evening was spent making Christmas candy, talking, eating home made Chicken & Dumplings, watching movies and eating popcorn. I had a blast.

Oh, and we can't forget about the wrestling! No no, not like that...get your mind out of the gutter. :) Like literally wrestling. It's so much fun. Clif had to go through an academy of sorts, so we knows a lot of "moves"... but I have busted out a few moves of my own. :) All made up by me.


Yesterday we slept in, ate some pizza...lounged around, and then headed to the mall. We walked around for an hour or so, bought him a game for his Playstation, and then we were on our way to the Daniels house for dinner :) Aleisha cooked for us - beef stirfry, rice, and apple crumb pie with icecream. YUM!

Clif had a blast playing with "T", our goddaughter. She is VERT mobile now...always running around getting into something. She is a doll :) Love her!

So the last few days have been eventful...and fun packed. :)

On a more serious note - please be praying, Clif is going to be calling my doctors office today to find out if they will call the insurance company to see if I can get more appointments. I'm really worried about this... worried that they wont give me any more appointments.

I have such high hopes for this months cycle...and I'm terrified that I'm going to be disappointed once again. I am trying to TRUST the Lord...that what happens is his will. I just...want this so bad. I can almost "taste" it.
I can see myself being pregnant again...and I haven't been able to "see" that in a while. A long while. I keep thinking of all the things that I wish I had done differently during my pregnancy with Lilly. And I know that I'm going to have SO much more stuff with my next, if the Lord sees fit to bless us again.

*sigh* I hate ending this post on such a sad note... but it's just how I'm feeling lately. When Clif is working nights, I have a lot of time to think...and that normally gets me in trouble. At least with myself.

I keep praying and praying...and hoping and then praying some more. I never thought in a million years that I would be struggling with infertility, and that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. It breaks my heart... especially when I think of all the women who are going through the same things that I am. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of longing,hoping,waiting,praying...I know that it's all part of it... but it just...hurts.

I see friends with their children, and can't help but think about the way things could have been. I think back to how happy and carefree I was while pregnant with Lilly Bean. I remember the showers...and gifts, and how excited I was to bring home my little "Joy".

Crazy in love...but completely heartbroken.

sweet tooth.

:) Christmas is just around the corner and I have been BUSY! But I am enjoying it!!
I took off from work today and tomorrow :) Clif is off both of these days too, so that makes it nice.
This morning I started out around eight and headed to run some errands... and to do some Christmas shopping!!! I finally got Clif's "big" gift...home and wrapped! Whew. I am pretty sure he knows what it is...BUT...I hope that I have him somewhat stumped.
Last night and today were spent making Christmas goodies. Mostly candy, but a few cheese straws too. Okay, not a few...more like two batches! As far as candy goes I have made fudge with walnuts, milk chocolate dipped ritz bitz peanut butter crackers,white chocolate dipped ritz bitz peanut butter crackers, peppermint bark, milk & white chocolate dipped potato chips, oh and we can't forget the half milk-half white chocolate dipped pretzels.
Anyway...I'll be missing in action these next few days. Being off from work, and then I am training a new hire Wednesday - Friday :) Then the weekend!!
:( Except that I have to work on Saturday. Oh well.
And as always...please pray with us concerning our current cycle :) God bless!!

the true meaning of CHRISTmas.

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas. About the true meaning of Christmas. Nowadays, people get so wrapped up in the hustle & bustle of everything going on around them - and they just don't stop to really think about the reason that celebrate Christmas.
I have caught myself getting wrapped up in gift buying, and stressing, wondering if I will have enough money to buy everyone what I want to get them. I think the thing that I've caught myself doing the most is stressing. And I hate that.
I keep having to remind myself that Christmas is not about those things. Christmas isn't about shopping or buying the perfect gift. It's not about Christmas parties, or candies. It's a celebration of His birth :)

a Merry Christmas afterall...

So....Clif just talked to my doctors office. Dr S that is. The RE. ANYWAYS...so the receptionist said that my pre & post op appointments were covered under my surgery (which we already knew), and did not count towards my five covered visits. Therefore I have one paid appointment left **enter huge smile here**
So that relieves some stress for next week anyways! She also told Clif that they can always call Anthem and request more visits.
I cannot begin to tell you how much better I feel after hearing that! So maybe it won't be too complicated to get extra visits after all!
This really puts me back into the Christmas spirit! On with buying Christmas gifts, decorating, and spending time with family. I can let my mind rest...knowing that at least for now, everything is "ok".
Thanks to all who said a prayer for me! Please continue!!

you're a mean one...Mr. Grinch.

So right after I went back to work this past January, I had one of my customers say, "Honey, aren't you due yet??" I had to tell him (through tears) that I had already delivered, and that Lilly had quietly passed away in my womb just a few hours before I was to be induced. Heartbreaking.

This same customer came in yesterday and while talking about the holidays, he asked, "do you have any children?" Really? Wow. I told him no. And then I felt guilty. But I just didn't want to go through all the explaining AND the questions that everyone always asks. Oh, what happened? I don't know. How far along were you? I was four days PAST my due date. BLAH blah freaking blah. Then on top of the "kid question", he was like...well, how long have you been married? Going on four years. Well...he didn't leave it at that. He went on to tell me that I'd been married for almost four years...it was probably about time to start having kids.

Wow. All I could do is smile and say that we were thinking about it. How do you tell a (practically) complete stranger. Well, my only child died a year ago...and my husband and I HAVE been trying to get pregnant (again) for a year now with no luck. That since last November we have struggled with heartache AND fertility.

Geez. I know that these "old" people (no offense to anyone) mean well... but my gosh... a heart can only take so much before it completely shatters into a million pieces.

And you know what's sad?? It's not even Christmas yet...and I'm already dreading May/Mothers day. I wish that I could just skip every holiday known to man. I hate being asked painful questions...can't they just all go away?

And as for December... I'm pretty sure that it can just go away too. Life would be so much easier, and less painful. And then on the other hand I feel so guilty for thinking these things. It's Christmas... the time of year that we celebrate the birth of our Savior. How could I want to SKIP that? *sigh* I don't... I think it's because what the world has made Christmas into. About the family...the gifts...all the hoopla. It's making me resemble the Grinch more and more every day. :)

bah humbug.

Stressed doesn't even begin to cover what I'm feeling right now - and honestly, I don't really know why I feel like this in the first place. Well... I guess there are a few things that are beginning to stress/worry me.
Like, I started taking round seven of Provera today. Which means within a week or so I will have to go to the doctor. Which makes me worry...will this visit be paid for?? Remember back with Anthem said that they would pay for five visits (or thru October 31st) with Dr S? Well I only had four actual visits, and then of course I had my pre & post op appointments (which were covered under my surgery). So that means that I have one left, right?? Oh I sure hope so...
Then there is the whole stress of buying Christmas gifts...making sure you get something that everyone will like, and not run out of money while you're doing it.
And then there is the worry in the pit of my stomach that I've been fighting these past days...will I ever get pregnant again? What if we can't have kids of our own? Will we be able to afford adoption? Will we find an adoption agency find us "fit" enough to adopt a child? There is SO much on my mind these days... I'm really surprised my head doesn't explode. :)

baby, it's cold outside!

Thanksgiving was hard...but not much different from any other day of our lives. It was rough seeing family members with their children, and knowing that everyone was remembering that we didn't have ours with us.
But I must say, it was so nice being surrounded by people who love and care about us on Thursday, and Friday...and Saturday for that matter.
All in all, our Thanksgiving weekend was good. A few bumps along that way (as always), but nice none the less.
Wednesday night was a blessing :) We attended a "Thanksgiving" dinner at church. Very nontraditional as we had Chili & Cornbread. But it was a nice switch up considering all the turkey that we consumed! We ate, had a time of sharing, and just spent time together with a very small group of tight knit church members. It was great. After church we headed home and JB (cousin) and I dove right into deviled egg making. We made eighty four deviled eggs. Is that not absolutely ridiculous?? :) It was fun though - we gave Clif such a hard time about staying out of the kitchen, because it was our "bonding time". I took a million pictures of the egg making process, I'll have to post them sometime!
Thursday morning started off with Clif and me making a mad dash to Food Lion to buy frozen broccoli. Apparently I didn't read the recipe thoroughly because I had planned on making a broccoli cheese casserole for both families get together's. :) Each batch needed TWO bags of broccoli. Oops. They turned out really well, so that was nice! The rest of Thursday consisted of going from my parents house to his aunt & uncle's house. We had a blast.
Then came looking at the sales papers :) I will admit up front that we are nuts. My mother in law and I saw that in Walmart sales started at midnight. And there were several things that we wanted to get. SO us being the smarties that we are (ha!) decided hey! Since we are going out at Midnight, we might as well just stay out all night. Ya see, there were 5am items that both of us wanted to get. I stood in line for 5 hours to get my laptop (from Clif...and I'm not allowed to have it until Christmas), and my mom, friend (practically sister in law), and mother stood in line for 5 hours for GPS. CRAZY, I know.
So needless to say we stayed out shopping for over 12 hours. We started at 10:45 and finished up around 1:30. I was home by two, but didn't want to go to sleep (for fear of not being able to sleep that night). Needless to say, I was up for 38 hours straight. By 8:30 I was delirious. :)
Saturday I got much needed sleep - sleeping in until ten. Then my niece called and said that they were near by, and wanted to come by and see me (haven't seen them since June). So they came over, and we all loaded up into their new truck and went to meet our parents for lunch. Mom took me home afterwards, and I took her inside the house to show her my Christmas decorations. My MIL called saying that they went to get her tree out of storage and it was gone! :) So I had one from last year (bought a new one this year), mom and I loaded it up and took it to her.
Saturday afternoon my friend (again, should be sister in law) came over to my house and hung out until Clif got off of work.Then he and I headed to the Christmas dinner for my work/branch.
Yesterday was spent at the mall :) Where I spent an additional *almost* hundred dollars. Craziness. Good thing though, I'm almost done with my shopping!
Whew. It was so nice to stay busy this weekend. :) So very thankful. So...how was your Thanksgiving??
 Aside from all that...it is FREEZING outside. Brrr!! And since it's SO cold... I just HAD to buy myself a new coat yesterday! :)

pins and needles??

So there is something "new" that I am toying with. Not sure if I'll go through with it. But I have the information at my fingertips (thanks for thinking about me Jamie!).

Acupuncture.

Has anyone tried it before?? I am really interested in it. For fertility reasons, that is. :) I've had a couple of different people tell me about acupuncture for PCOS...well, mainly for ovulation therapy.

So....what do you guys think??? I need major input from my readers. If I do decide to check into it - it'll probably be sometime after Christmas. There is just way too much stuff going on with holidays approaching, work, home life...ect.

As a side note...we received a bill from the hospital (for my surgery). **Drum roll please** The total cost of my surgery was almost $18,000 - before insurance of course. As far as we can tell (we have received two documents, that agree with one another)...our part is only $250!!! How awesome is that?? Now knowing my luck, we'll get a zillion other bills later on. But for now, I'm really excited! Praise the Lord!

Thanksgiving is approaching quickly, and so is BLACK FRIDAY! :) Yes. I am one of those nuts that drags myself out of bed at like 3:00 in the morning to go shopping. I have been every year for as long as I can remember. This year I am on a mission to buy a new laptop, my Christmas present from Clif. I'm really excited about it, mainly because my current laptop is almost five years old - and on it's last leg. Actually, I've been waiting for it to just die.

Our week has been busy already. Yesterday was a crazy busy day at work, I actually ended up having to go in like thirty minutes early. I got off around 4:30, headed to get my eye brow's waxed...went to the grocery store, hurried home to cook dinner. Then today I'm getting my hair cut at 5:15, running home to fix dinner for Clif (gets off of work at 6:30). Then after dinner we are putting our new tree together and decorating it. :)
Tomorrow I work all day, he is off. Then I rush home to cook chilli & cornbread for a church gathering. After church we are headed home for me to make food for Thursday (both families) which includes my new tradition of making deviled eggs (a secret recipe, or actually a make-up-as-we-go recipe) with Clif's cousin, Jay. Last year we "bonded" over our deviled egg adventure...and Clif gives us a hard time about it. Poor thing, we wouldn't let him in the kitchen while we worked.

Whew...I have a busy next few days ahead of me, but at least it will keep my mind busy during the holidays. If I don't post again before Thursday, I hope each and every one of you have a WONDERFUL Turkey Day!