...my heart, that is.
I've been excited about getting the nurseries ready for the triplets. I've been DYING to get everything de-cluttered so that I can begin decorating, and getting everything put in place for my precious Eli, Easton & Elliana.
But at the same time...I'm still heartbroken. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Lilly, and I don't think that I will ever come to a point where she doesn't cross my mind.
Tonight was hard...
Dad finished up the second nursery (pictures coming soon). So I had my mom move some things from one nursery to another. Talk about a lot of emotions that hit me all at once...without really expecting them. I had to move HER things out of the way. HER things.
I don't want this to be an issue. I don't want to feel this way... but I do. There are so many things that I'm going to have to box away for the rest of my life. Things that never touched...things that she never used... but yet, they still belong to her.
I had to move dried flowers from her funeral. From her funeral. A parent shouldn't have to speak words like those following their child's name. I had to hide away a 2 dollar bill that Daddy saved for her, had to find a place for her "2009" penny that was supposed to go in her scrapbook. Her piggy bank, the wooden "L" that sat on her bookshelf. *deep breath* The first little fishing hat that Daddy bought for her. I threw away expired formula that should have been drank by her. Folded and stuffed away the quilt that her little body was wrapped in the last time I saw her. HER THINGS!
Things shouldn't be this hard. Preparing this for my babies on the way shouldn't bring tears to my eyes, and pain into my heart.
Don't get me wrong...I'm thankful for these babies, and I am anxiously awaiting their arrival. I love to just sit and feel them move inside of me. I love to look at their pictures, and to look back and watch how they have grown in my tummy.
But even though we are getting ready to start a very happy new chapter in our lives, it doesn't take away the chapter that came before. The painful one. The one that no person should ever have to endure. The chapter that tells about a young couple that lost their first born baby girl. The story about a mom and dad that sat in a hospital room and wept over their daughter's lifeless body. Then sat in that same hospital and wrote their daughters obituary...planned her funeral, and then had to say goodbye. I hate that story... but I relive it every single day.
Oh God,please, take the hurt away....
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Incredibly BLESSED.
Wow. So I encountered this woman today - and I will admit that at first sight (actually I have seen her several times), I wouldn't think of her as a real "lady". I know that sounds horrible - but it's just the way that she carries herself.
If I had to guess, she is probably in her mid to late sixties - and just from the looks of it, she has led a really rough life. But she's always sweet as can be...to everyone that she comes into contact with.
ANYway...back to my point.
So I was helping her with some things - and upon seeing my stomach (oh my gosh - I feel like I have gotten SO much bigger in the last week... I don't think I have any room left to pop) she asked when my baby was due. :) I love when people ask when my baby is due, because I always reply with... THEY are due September 14th, but will more than likely be joining us in August. So I said my line - and she looked at me, and I nodded. "Yes, there is more than one. Actually - I am having triplets.
I wish you could have seen this woman's face light up with excitement...for someone that she doesn't even know! She immediately started asking questions. Do I know what they are yet? If I had to choose, what would I want? How am I feeling? Do the doctors foresee any complications?
And then she asked me the question that 90% of people ask. "Are these your first?" My answer varies - just depending on the person, and the situation. But most of the time I answer with, "This is my second pregnancy". I think most people get the clue from that. I always feel bad for not telling people that this is my second pregnancy, and that our daughter passed away almost seventeen months ago. But I also hate making people feel uncomfortable. So...the "this is my second pregnancy" answer is normally how I answer their questions.
Moving on. So after this dear woman asks me the question, she asks if they were naturally conceived. Getting kind personal! But oddly, I really didn't mind answering. I told her that they were conceived through fertility treatments.
She smiled and then he eyes glazed over. She stated, "Well... I am so happy for you - and wish you the best! The Lord never blessed me with children. But if He had... I know that my life would have been completely different, and that I would have loved them with everything I am." She went on to say that she had prayed and prayed for children, that all she wanted was to make her father a grandpa. And that he had died before she had the chance.
And then she told me something that broke my heart. After telling me that the Lord had not blessed her with Children, and that she had desperately WANTED a child - and that her dad had died, never knowing the joy of being a grandparent...she told me that, thirty five years ago she delivered a still born baby boy. She didn't say much about him, just that he would always hold a place in her heart. And how she wished that he had lived, and how much she would have loved him.
Seriously? Okay with everything that Clif and I have been through in the last year...PLUS my raging pregnancy hormones... I'm really lucky that I did not absolutely LOSE it right then and there. And I thought that she would cry too.
But she went on to say that God must have had a purpose for taking her son. And that she would see him again one day.
The thing that broke my heart was... for the first half of that conversation she didn't even acknowledge that she had children. She didn't mention having a baby boy.
From what I hear, thirty five years ago... still birth was not spoken of. Many women who experienced that horrible situation are ASHAMED, almost. Like it's a big dark secret that they are never allowed to talk about. Many women never even were able to SEE their child, let alone hold, kiss, mourn. They have nothing left of those children except memories of their pregnancies that they store deep inside.
How sad! She said that she hadn't even thought about how long it had been until seeing me today.
I wanted so badly to tell her my experience, and tell her all about my precious little Lilly. But I didn't. I don't think that I could have held it together - and I don't really think that it was the time or place.
All I can keep thinking is how SAD that is. Any loss is heartbreaking - but to experience something like giving birth to a still baby...and things being like they were back then. *sigh* It hit me deep inside.
I am so very thankful that I was given the opportunity to hold my baby girl. So thankful that Clif was able to see her, and kiss her. Thankful for the nurses on the thirteenth floor of RMH that took pictures of our Lilly Bean for us to cherish forever. Thankful for the sweet lady at the funeral home that prepared Lilly's body for her funeral... taking extra care, just to make me feel better. So thankful for the support of loved ones...and complete strangers.
I can't imagine being alone at a time like that. And I can't imagine not thinking of my baby every single day of my life.
In the midst of our sorrow...we were so incredibly blessed. And we still are. And this lady helped me see that today. :)
If I had to guess, she is probably in her mid to late sixties - and just from the looks of it, she has led a really rough life. But she's always sweet as can be...to everyone that she comes into contact with.
ANYway...back to my point.
So I was helping her with some things - and upon seeing my stomach (oh my gosh - I feel like I have gotten SO much bigger in the last week... I don't think I have any room left to pop) she asked when my baby was due. :) I love when people ask when my baby is due, because I always reply with... THEY are due September 14th, but will more than likely be joining us in August. So I said my line - and she looked at me, and I nodded. "Yes, there is more than one. Actually - I am having triplets.
I wish you could have seen this woman's face light up with excitement...for someone that she doesn't even know! She immediately started asking questions. Do I know what they are yet? If I had to choose, what would I want? How am I feeling? Do the doctors foresee any complications?
And then she asked me the question that 90% of people ask. "Are these your first?" My answer varies - just depending on the person, and the situation. But most of the time I answer with, "This is my second pregnancy". I think most people get the clue from that. I always feel bad for not telling people that this is my second pregnancy, and that our daughter passed away almost seventeen months ago. But I also hate making people feel uncomfortable. So...the "this is my second pregnancy" answer is normally how I answer their questions.
Moving on. So after this dear woman asks me the question, she asks if they were naturally conceived. Getting kind personal! But oddly, I really didn't mind answering. I told her that they were conceived through fertility treatments.
She smiled and then he eyes glazed over. She stated, "Well... I am so happy for you - and wish you the best! The Lord never blessed me with children. But if He had... I know that my life would have been completely different, and that I would have loved them with everything I am." She went on to say that she had prayed and prayed for children, that all she wanted was to make her father a grandpa. And that he had died before she had the chance.
And then she told me something that broke my heart. After telling me that the Lord had not blessed her with Children, and that she had desperately WANTED a child - and that her dad had died, never knowing the joy of being a grandparent...she told me that, thirty five years ago she delivered a still born baby boy. She didn't say much about him, just that he would always hold a place in her heart. And how she wished that he had lived, and how much she would have loved him.
Seriously? Okay with everything that Clif and I have been through in the last year...PLUS my raging pregnancy hormones... I'm really lucky that I did not absolutely LOSE it right then and there. And I thought that she would cry too.
But she went on to say that God must have had a purpose for taking her son. And that she would see him again one day.
The thing that broke my heart was... for the first half of that conversation she didn't even acknowledge that she had children. She didn't mention having a baby boy.
From what I hear, thirty five years ago... still birth was not spoken of. Many women who experienced that horrible situation are ASHAMED, almost. Like it's a big dark secret that they are never allowed to talk about. Many women never even were able to SEE their child, let alone hold, kiss, mourn. They have nothing left of those children except memories of their pregnancies that they store deep inside.
How sad! She said that she hadn't even thought about how long it had been until seeing me today.
I wanted so badly to tell her my experience, and tell her all about my precious little Lilly. But I didn't. I don't think that I could have held it together - and I don't really think that it was the time or place.
All I can keep thinking is how SAD that is. Any loss is heartbreaking - but to experience something like giving birth to a still baby...and things being like they were back then. *sigh* It hit me deep inside.
I am so very thankful that I was given the opportunity to hold my baby girl. So thankful that Clif was able to see her, and kiss her. Thankful for the nurses on the thirteenth floor of RMH that took pictures of our Lilly Bean for us to cherish forever. Thankful for the sweet lady at the funeral home that prepared Lilly's body for her funeral... taking extra care, just to make me feel better. So thankful for the support of loved ones...and complete strangers.
I can't imagine being alone at a time like that. And I can't imagine not thinking of my baby every single day of my life.
In the midst of our sorrow...we were so incredibly blessed. And we still are. And this lady helped me see that today. :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
13w4d
Clif and I have our next appointment with Dr G on this coming up Thursday - I plan on discussing the flu shot & a high risk doctor, if necessary.
Well...that's all I've got this morning. We're off to church! God bless...
Friday, December 17, 2010
am I ready for this?
A little late to be asking this question, huh?
But really...am I ready for this? Am I ready for the emotional roller coaster of this month. Am I ready to take more disappointment? And if I'm not faced with disappointment this month...if my prayers are answered this month...am I ready to handle the stress? The worry? Every day life?
Am I ready to be pregnant again? Is my body ready for it?
I am a firm believer when it comes to, "the Lord won't give you more than you can handle..." I want to believe that another baby wouldn't be taken from us, but...am I strong enough to make it through another tragedy? Could I go on with life if I lost another baby?
There is so much to think about...a lot to pray about.
I've prayed myself to sleep for the last few nights...prayed that the Lord would bless us {with a child} this month. That He would prepare our hearts for what we may {or may not} receive. That He will hold me close, just like He always does. I have prayed that if I do become pregnant this month {or any other month for that matter} that He will give me the strength to carry another baby...that He will calm my nerves...and my heart.
I'm wishy washy this month. In one sense...I can see myself being pregnant {again} this time next month. But then on the other hand - I don't see me ever being pregnant again.
I want this. We want this. Bad. Maybe too bad? I don't know...but we both ache for it.
While reading a fellow bloggers post this morning, it made me think of something. Some people reading my blog may think that another baby will solve my problems. But it won't...and I know that. I know that having another baby {whether biological, or by adoption} will be a long, emotional road. No one...nothing...will ever replace my baby girl.
I think I am ready for that. I hope I am, at least.
But really...am I ready for this? Am I ready for the emotional roller coaster of this month. Am I ready to take more disappointment? And if I'm not faced with disappointment this month...if my prayers are answered this month...am I ready to handle the stress? The worry? Every day life?
Am I ready to be pregnant again? Is my body ready for it?
I am a firm believer when it comes to, "the Lord won't give you more than you can handle..." I want to believe that another baby wouldn't be taken from us, but...am I strong enough to make it through another tragedy? Could I go on with life if I lost another baby?
There is so much to think about...a lot to pray about.
I've prayed myself to sleep for the last few nights...prayed that the Lord would bless us {with a child} this month. That He would prepare our hearts for what we may {or may not} receive. That He will hold me close, just like He always does. I have prayed that if I do become pregnant this month {or any other month for that matter} that He will give me the strength to carry another baby...that He will calm my nerves...and my heart.
I'm wishy washy this month. In one sense...I can see myself being pregnant {again} this time next month. But then on the other hand - I don't see me ever being pregnant again.
I want this. We want this. Bad. Maybe too bad? I don't know...but we both ache for it.
While reading a fellow bloggers post this morning, it made me think of something. Some people reading my blog may think that another baby will solve my problems. But it won't...and I know that. I know that having another baby {whether biological, or by adoption} will be a long, emotional road. No one...nothing...will ever replace my baby girl.
I think I am ready for that. I hope I am, at least.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
thinking.
I've been thinking about Angie Smith's book... "I Will Carry You" a lot recently.
A lot.
I think that I am going to read it again...even though I sobbed through the entire book the first time. There are so many comforting words, comforting scripture... and also comforting, hope.
The Smith's story, like many others, is absolutely heart breaking. But even after everything they have been through - watching them grow from it all, and seeing them love God that much more... is amazing.
I can only hope that one day that I can touch the hearts of others the way that Angie and her husband have. The way that Audrey touched lives...and the way that Lilly touched lives.
Yeah, I'm going to re-read it. :) I'll let you all know my thoughts when I finish it (again). If you have never read this book, I highly recommend reading it!
A lot.
I think that I am going to read it again...even though I sobbed through the entire book the first time. There are so many comforting words, comforting scripture... and also comforting, hope.
The Smith's story, like many others, is absolutely heart breaking. But even after everything they have been through - watching them grow from it all, and seeing them love God that much more... is amazing.
I can only hope that one day that I can touch the hearts of others the way that Angie and her husband have. The way that Audrey touched lives...and the way that Lilly touched lives.
Yeah, I'm going to re-read it. :) I'll let you all know my thoughts when I finish it (again). If you have never read this book, I highly recommend reading it!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
you're a mean one...Mr. Grinch.
So right after I went back to work this past January, I had one of my customers say, "Honey, aren't you due yet??" I had to tell him (through tears) that I had already delivered, and that Lilly had quietly passed away in my womb just a few hours before I was to be induced. Heartbreaking.
This same customer came in yesterday and while talking about the holidays, he asked, "do you have any children?" Really? Wow. I told him no. And then I felt guilty. But I just didn't want to go through all the explaining AND the questions that everyone always asks. Oh, what happened? I don't know. How far along were you? I was four days PAST my due date. BLAH blah freaking blah. Then on top of the "kid question", he was like...well, how long have you been married? Going on four years. Well...he didn't leave it at that. He went on to tell me that I'd been married for almost four years...it was probably about time to start having kids.
Wow. All I could do is smile and say that we were thinking about it. How do you tell a (practically) complete stranger. Well, my only child died a year ago...and my husband and I HAVE been trying to get pregnant (again) for a year now with no luck. That since last November we have struggled with heartache AND fertility.
Geez. I know that these "old" people (no offense to anyone) mean well... but my gosh... a heart can only take so much before it completely shatters into a million pieces.
And you know what's sad?? It's not even Christmas yet...and I'm already dreading May/Mothers day. I wish that I could just skip every holiday known to man. I hate being asked painful questions...can't they just all go away?
And as for December... I'm pretty sure that it can just go away too. Life would be so much easier, and less painful. And then on the other hand I feel so guilty for thinking these things. It's Christmas... the time of year that we celebrate the birth of our Savior. How could I want to SKIP that? *sigh* I don't... I think it's because what the world has made Christmas into. About the family...the gifts...all the hoopla. It's making me resemble the Grinch more and more every day. :)
This same customer came in yesterday and while talking about the holidays, he asked, "do you have any children?" Really? Wow. I told him no. And then I felt guilty. But I just didn't want to go through all the explaining AND the questions that everyone always asks. Oh, what happened? I don't know. How far along were you? I was four days PAST my due date. BLAH blah freaking blah. Then on top of the "kid question", he was like...well, how long have you been married? Going on four years. Well...he didn't leave it at that. He went on to tell me that I'd been married for almost four years...it was probably about time to start having kids.
Wow. All I could do is smile and say that we were thinking about it. How do you tell a (practically) complete stranger. Well, my only child died a year ago...and my husband and I HAVE been trying to get pregnant (again) for a year now with no luck. That since last November we have struggled with heartache AND fertility.
Geez. I know that these "old" people (no offense to anyone) mean well... but my gosh... a heart can only take so much before it completely shatters into a million pieces.
And you know what's sad?? It's not even Christmas yet...and I'm already dreading May/Mothers day. I wish that I could just skip every holiday known to man. I hate being asked painful questions...can't they just all go away?
And as for December... I'm pretty sure that it can just go away too. Life would be so much easier, and less painful. And then on the other hand I feel so guilty for thinking these things. It's Christmas... the time of year that we celebrate the birth of our Savior. How could I want to SKIP that? *sigh* I don't... I think it's because what the world has made Christmas into. About the family...the gifts...all the hoopla. It's making me resemble the Grinch more and more every day. :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Happy Heavenly Birthday, Dear Lilly...
Today we celebrate the life and birth of our beautiful baby girl, Lillian Joy Smith. Lilly was unexpectedly born still on November 13,2009... a little after 10am. She was 5 pounds 9.5 ounces, and was 19 inches long. She had her Mommy's fingers and nose, and Daddy's big feet. She was the definition of beautiful. She was loved.
We never received a fatal diagnosis...we were never told anything was wrong with our little one. She, to our knowledge, died a very healthy (and beautiful...if I do say so myself!) little girl.
It's hard to celebrate something so painful... but how can we not celebrate such a special little girl??
Happy Birthday, Lilly Bean! I'm so glad that you get to spend today (and every day) with the One who made you. We love you...we will never forget you.
You are loved.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day 15: what you like about your house.
Day 15 is what I like about my house.
Right now, I like that it's mine. :) Even though it can be stressful at times, I like being a home owner. I haven't mentioned this...mainly because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
But, after like three months of no one calling about the house...or coming to look at it, a couple came to look at it on Saturday. They really liked it. They are pre approved for a loan, and are looking to buy soon. It's bitter sweet.
Our realtor said that they will more than likely be putting a contract on it. *sigh* I want to sell and get away from the area. I think it'll be good to have a fresh start, but there will be a lot of pain before the fresh start begins.
Please pray with us that if it be God's will, that we will sell our house soon. And that He may lead us to where He wants us to be in the future.
Thanks!
Right now, I like that it's mine. :) Even though it can be stressful at times, I like being a home owner. I haven't mentioned this...mainly because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
But, after like three months of no one calling about the house...or coming to look at it, a couple came to look at it on Saturday. They really liked it. They are pre approved for a loan, and are looking to buy soon. It's bitter sweet.
Our realtor said that they will more than likely be putting a contract on it. *sigh* I want to sell and get away from the area. I think it'll be good to have a fresh start, but there will be a lot of pain before the fresh start begins.
Please pray with us that if it be God's will, that we will sell our house soon. And that He may lead us to where He wants us to be in the future.
Thanks!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
heavy hearted.
Okay, I know that this is my third post of the day. BUT... I had to write this, since it is heavy on my heart today.
Remember a few days ago when I asked prayer for the family that lost the one year old??
Well...he wasn't one year old.
He was one MONTH old. Big difference.
This little boy that was one month old had a bowel obstruction. His bowels backed up and he had a heart attack. A one year old.
*sigh* Please pray for the "S" family today as they have to endure the pain of a funeral for their little boy.
Remember a few days ago when I asked prayer for the family that lost the one year old??
Well...he wasn't one year old.
He was one MONTH old. Big difference.
This little boy that was one month old had a bowel obstruction. His bowels backed up and he had a heart attack. A one year old.
*sigh* Please pray for the "S" family today as they have to endure the pain of a funeral for their little boy.
Monday, August 30, 2010
when life gives you turnips...make limeade.
I'm starting this post off on a comical note, but I must warn you... it takes a turn for the worse...maybe worst. *sigh*
First off - we had a blast on our camping trip. Caught a lot of fish, froze our butts off at night...hiked, went on a two - three hour float... cooked hot dogs over a campfire, grilled...and ate smores. Of course there were some bug bites in there too. :) But all in all, it was a good trip. We played tons of games, and learned a few new ones too. Clif taught us dominoes and "A" & "B" (
When playing Taboo - we paired up as couples, since we know each other the best. I got the word "Lemonade". The timer started and I said "when life gives you ___" and Clif answered, "turnips". Really? Then I said it again, and we replied with "lemons", I said - "make?" which he replied with "Limeade!" HAHAHA! I about peed my pants. So - that's where the title comes from today. When life gives you turnips, make limeade. :)
Now for that sharp turn. It's a painful one...and I'm trying my hardest not let it get to me down. Let's just say it's easier said than done. It's definitely a challenge. :) But my God is greater than any of this stuff that's going on. I serve Him, and He is on my side.
I went to see Dr S this morning. Amazing how *literally* forty five seconds of ultrasound cost me right around $80.00. Seriously? I got there - he poked me with the "wand", looked for a few seconds - said that my ovaries look the same as they did last week - and that my progesterone came back "not consistent with ovulation". So I was told to get dressed and to come to his office to discuss our "game plan".
Hmmm...some expensive game plan.
I was told that he wouldn't give me any more Clomid. Three pills a day is the most that's been approved - and I was given four pills a day last month. He said that if he gave me Clomid again - that he was sure my body would not respond. Poo.
He said I have two options.
Option #1 - Follistimaq injections. I would go in for an hour long appointment with my nurse, and she would teach me how to inject myself in the stomach with the shots. Oh goody. A "woman like me" would get a lower dose more often instead of high doses less often. He said that the Follistimaq injections *almost* guarantee matured eggs. There is a 20% chance that *if* we got pregnant with these injections that it would be a multiple pregnancy. Most of the cases that Dr S has seen have been twins, and he said that he's seen several triplets too. Sometimes the Follistimaq causes too many eggs to mature, and they advise you *not* to try to conceive that month. For fear of being the next octo-mom. Gee.
Option #2 - Ovarian drilling. Sound painful? According to someone I know (who has had three similar procedures) they are extremely painful. They would go in and burn small holes in my ovaries. He said that in some cases, after Ovarian drilling, you begin to ovulate on your own. Now that would be a sight to behold. There still would be a very good possibility that I would need the injections, even with the surgery. But then again - there is always that chance that my body would ovulate on it's own - and that I could get pregnant without help. I honestly believe that my God is that big - He can do anything.
Ready for the good part?? The Follistimaq is (of course) *not* covered by my insurance. Dr S told me that it'd be right at $1,000.00 for the meds. When I called the nurse this afternoon, she said that if it's not covered - it could cost anywhere from $800-2200. Great.
I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again. I feel as if every time I "fall" I just get kicked over and over again. As if losing my daughter isn't enough - lets throw infertility & PCOS in the mix. Why not, right?
So I called the nurse and told her that I wanted a little more information about the surgery. She told me that it's called Ovarian Drilling - and that it's out patient. I'd be out of work for a week. It looks like if we go this route that it will be November 2nd before I can have the surgery done. Isn't that lovely? If we decide to go through with it - I will be bed ridden up until my (would have been) due date (with Lilly). I'll be recovering from surgery at the same time THIS year as I was last year.
I wanted to know how the doctor would code the surgery - I was told it would be coded as "PCOS". I was given two codes (he wants to do the Ovarian Drilling and check my tubes) to call the insurance company with, just to see if they could tell me what my part of the surgery would be. I was told that the doctor has to call in for pre authorization, and that *if* it was approved under my insurance, my copay the morning of would be $250.00. Of course I would go the day before for pre-op and other equally fun stuff. I only have one more paid visit with Dr S - unless my insurance would be gracious enough to let me have a few more paid visits. Which means not only would I be paying for the surgery, and the injections (more than likely)... I would have to pay for office visits and anything he does at those visits (mainly ultrasounds).
If I understood my nurse correctly, since my insurance said that I had to have pre authorization for the surgery - the Dr will have to sign something saying that we will not be doing an insemination. Which makes it that much better. Let's pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for surgery and fertility treatments and then take a chance at doing things the "natural" way.How can they make me say that I WON'T have an insemination done when they aren't going to pay for the insemination in the first place?? *sigh* I feel like I'm screwed no matter which way I go.
Honestly... I'm beyond words right now. I'm at a loss, and I'm hurting beyond relief. The one thing that I want more than anything in this world seems to be slipping farther and farther out of my grasp...
First off - we had a blast on our camping trip. Caught a lot of fish, froze our butts off at night...hiked, went on a two - three hour float... cooked hot dogs over a campfire, grilled...and ate smores. Of course there were some bug bites in there too. :) But all in all, it was a good trip. We played tons of games, and learned a few new ones too. Clif taught us dominoes and "A" & "B" (
When playing Taboo - we paired up as couples, since we know each other the best. I got the word "Lemonade". The timer started and I said "when life gives you ___" and Clif answered, "turnips". Really? Then I said it again, and we replied with "lemons", I said - "make?" which he replied with "Limeade!" HAHAHA! I about peed my pants. So - that's where the title comes from today. When life gives you turnips, make limeade. :)
Now for that sharp turn. It's a painful one...and I'm trying my hardest not let it get to me down. Let's just say it's easier said than done. It's definitely a challenge. :) But my God is greater than any of this stuff that's going on. I serve Him, and He is on my side.
I went to see Dr S this morning. Amazing how *literally* forty five seconds of ultrasound cost me right around $80.00. Seriously? I got there - he poked me with the "wand", looked for a few seconds - said that my ovaries look the same as they did last week - and that my progesterone came back "not consistent with ovulation". So I was told to get dressed and to come to his office to discuss our "game plan".
Hmmm...some expensive game plan.
I was told that he wouldn't give me any more Clomid. Three pills a day is the most that's been approved - and I was given four pills a day last month. He said that if he gave me Clomid again - that he was sure my body would not respond. Poo.
He said I have two options.
Option #1 - Follistimaq injections. I would go in for an hour long appointment with my nurse, and she would teach me how to inject myself in the stomach with the shots. Oh goody. A "woman like me" would get a lower dose more often instead of high doses less often. He said that the Follistimaq injections *almost* guarantee matured eggs. There is a 20% chance that *if* we got pregnant with these injections that it would be a multiple pregnancy. Most of the cases that Dr S has seen have been twins, and he said that he's seen several triplets too. Sometimes the Follistimaq causes too many eggs to mature, and they advise you *not* to try to conceive that month. For fear of being the next octo-mom. Gee.
Option #2 - Ovarian drilling. Sound painful? According to someone I know (who has had three similar procedures) they are extremely painful. They would go in and burn small holes in my ovaries. He said that in some cases, after Ovarian drilling, you begin to ovulate on your own. Now that would be a sight to behold. There still would be a very good possibility that I would need the injections, even with the surgery. But then again - there is always that chance that my body would ovulate on it's own - and that I could get pregnant without help. I honestly believe that my God is that big - He can do anything.
Ready for the good part?? The Follistimaq is (of course) *not* covered by my insurance. Dr S told me that it'd be right at $1,000.00 for the meds. When I called the nurse this afternoon, she said that if it's not covered - it could cost anywhere from $800-2200. Great.
I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again. I feel as if every time I "fall" I just get kicked over and over again. As if losing my daughter isn't enough - lets throw infertility & PCOS in the mix. Why not, right?
So I called the nurse and told her that I wanted a little more information about the surgery. She told me that it's called Ovarian Drilling - and that it's out patient. I'd be out of work for a week. It looks like if we go this route that it will be November 2nd before I can have the surgery done. Isn't that lovely? If we decide to go through with it - I will be bed ridden up until my (would have been) due date (with Lilly). I'll be recovering from surgery at the same time THIS year as I was last year.
I wanted to know how the doctor would code the surgery - I was told it would be coded as "PCOS". I was given two codes (he wants to do the Ovarian Drilling and check my tubes) to call the insurance company with, just to see if they could tell me what my part of the surgery would be. I was told that the doctor has to call in for pre authorization, and that *if* it was approved under my insurance, my copay the morning of would be $250.00. Of course I would go the day before for pre-op and other equally fun stuff. I only have one more paid visit with Dr S - unless my insurance would be gracious enough to let me have a few more paid visits. Which means not only would I be paying for the surgery, and the injections (more than likely)... I would have to pay for office visits and anything he does at those visits (mainly ultrasounds).
If I understood my nurse correctly, since my insurance said that I had to have pre authorization for the surgery - the Dr will have to sign something saying that we will not be doing an insemination. Which makes it that much better. Let's pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for surgery and fertility treatments and then take a chance at doing things the "natural" way.How can they make me say that I WON'T have an insemination done when they aren't going to pay for the insemination in the first place?? *sigh* I feel like I'm screwed no matter which way I go.
Honestly... I'm beyond words right now. I'm at a loss, and I'm hurting beyond relief. The one thing that I want more than anything in this world seems to be slipping farther and farther out of my grasp...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Desiree's Soapbox take #1
Yesterday wasn't the greatest of days. Weather started off kinda dreary...and that's just how I felt. I figured since I was already in a funk that I should go ahead and get new flowers and take them to the cemetery. I have to work this coming up Saturday, which means that I had yesterday afternoon off.
Clif met me for lunch, and then we headed to a local craft store to pick up flowers before heading over to the cemetery.
I truly believe that people are oblivious to pain and death. People take life for granted, not even stopping to think twice when it may be their time... or the time of someone they love.
Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was shopping for flowers to go on the grave of my dead infant daughter. I don't know what it was - but it just hit me hard.
Here Clif and I are searching for the perfect bunch of flowers to honor our precious Lillian, and people are bustling around us - practically running us over. Always in a hurry...
I know that they didn't know what we were there for. How could they know that nine months ago the two young people they were running all over had experienced the worst thing that had ever happened to them?? How could they know that our child was dead?
Like I said, people are just in a hurry these days. They don't take time to stop and really think about things. To think about what the person in front of or beside of you might be going through. Are people that work with the public not entitled to have a bad day??
I try to keep that in mind when encountering situations in public life. I might be in a line at the grocery store that's a mile long - but what about the cashier? What if she just found out that someone close to her died?? Or, what if she didn't have enough money to make ends meet the last few months and got evicted from her home?? What if she needs to be with a sick loved one... but can't because she'll lose her job?? It could be the anniversary of the death of someone she loves. It could be the anniversary of the day that she had to say goodbye to her child forever.
People are just so self centered sometimes. Got to watch out for number one, right?? Well in my opinion they need to slow down and smell the hypothetical roses. Chill out and look around at the people around them - and take into account that maybe they are going through a life changing situation. Realize that we all are human. Maybe even care a little bit.
And one more little thing that urks me, since I'm already letting my opinions be known.
It's been (almost) nine months since I was dubbed with the title, "BLM". That's right. I am suffering loss because my baby died. I will never ever ever take the subject of pregnancy lightly, nor will I ever take the life of a child for granted. If the Lord blesses us with another child, I will thank Him daily for that blessing. I already pray that if He gives us another child that He will protect him/her as they spend their nine months inside me, that He allow me to give birth to a LIVE baby...and that He will protect that child as he/she grows.
My issue here is - I can't tell you how many happy-go-lucky oblivious pregnant women I see in a weeks time. They walk around, bellies out... never even thinking that something could happen to their baby. That's only something that happens in the movies, or to people that they don't even know. That kind of heartache could never touch their lives.
I wish there was something that I could do to guarantee that there would never be another baby that dies. But I can't. And I would never wish my pain on anyone. EVER.
And I wish there was something that I could do to make these girls aware. To tell them to take every precaution. To listen to every little thing that their doctors tell them to do. To never do anything stupid that would put their baby's life in danger.
And then you have these little teenie boppers that go out and get pregnant, and they think it's "cool". The only thing they really care about is if their body will ever look the same. Well, I've got news for ya. No - it'll never be the same. Now get over yourself and on to your baby. They could care less that they're pregnant... or at least that's the way a lot of them come across.
I'm not mad, I'm not bitter... I'm just annoyed. And hurting. And well, it just hasn't been good these last few days.
Maybe it's because AF is getting ready to come and visit me with all of her loveliness? Gotta love medically induced visits of AF... they make life SO much better. NOT. :)
Please excuse me for my fowl mood. I didn't even really realize I was in one until I started typing :)
Okay I'm done whining now. Sorry about that little soapbox episode. :)
Clif met me for lunch, and then we headed to a local craft store to pick up flowers before heading over to the cemetery.
I truly believe that people are oblivious to pain and death. People take life for granted, not even stopping to think twice when it may be their time... or the time of someone they love.
Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was shopping for flowers to go on the grave of my dead infant daughter. I don't know what it was - but it just hit me hard.
Here Clif and I are searching for the perfect bunch of flowers to honor our precious Lillian, and people are bustling around us - practically running us over. Always in a hurry...
I know that they didn't know what we were there for. How could they know that nine months ago the two young people they were running all over had experienced the worst thing that had ever happened to them?? How could they know that our child was dead?
Like I said, people are just in a hurry these days. They don't take time to stop and really think about things. To think about what the person in front of or beside of you might be going through. Are people that work with the public not entitled to have a bad day??
I try to keep that in mind when encountering situations in public life. I might be in a line at the grocery store that's a mile long - but what about the cashier? What if she just found out that someone close to her died?? Or, what if she didn't have enough money to make ends meet the last few months and got evicted from her home?? What if she needs to be with a sick loved one... but can't because she'll lose her job?? It could be the anniversary of the death of someone she loves. It could be the anniversary of the day that she had to say goodbye to her child forever.
People are just so self centered sometimes. Got to watch out for number one, right?? Well in my opinion they need to slow down and smell the hypothetical roses. Chill out and look around at the people around them - and take into account that maybe they are going through a life changing situation. Realize that we all are human. Maybe even care a little bit.
And one more little thing that urks me, since I'm already letting my opinions be known.
It's been (almost) nine months since I was dubbed with the title, "BLM". That's right. I am suffering loss because my baby died. I will never ever ever take the subject of pregnancy lightly, nor will I ever take the life of a child for granted. If the Lord blesses us with another child, I will thank Him daily for that blessing. I already pray that if He gives us another child that He will protect him/her as they spend their nine months inside me, that He allow me to give birth to a LIVE baby...and that He will protect that child as he/she grows.
My issue here is - I can't tell you how many happy-go-lucky oblivious pregnant women I see in a weeks time. They walk around, bellies out... never even thinking that something could happen to their baby. That's only something that happens in the movies, or to people that they don't even know. That kind of heartache could never touch their lives.
I wish there was something that I could do to guarantee that there would never be another baby that dies. But I can't. And I would never wish my pain on anyone. EVER.
And I wish there was something that I could do to make these girls aware. To tell them to take every precaution. To listen to every little thing that their doctors tell them to do. To never do anything stupid that would put their baby's life in danger.
And then you have these little teenie boppers that go out and get pregnant, and they think it's "cool". The only thing they really care about is if their body will ever look the same. Well, I've got news for ya. No - it'll never be the same. Now get over yourself and on to your baby. They could care less that they're pregnant... or at least that's the way a lot of them come across.
I'm not mad, I'm not bitter... I'm just annoyed. And hurting. And well, it just hasn't been good these last few days.
Maybe it's because AF is getting ready to come and visit me with all of her loveliness? Gotta love medically induced visits of AF... they make life SO much better. NOT. :)
Please excuse me for my fowl mood. I didn't even really realize I was in one until I started typing :)
Okay I'm done whining now. Sorry about that little soapbox episode. :)
Friday, July 23, 2010
cue desiree having a melt down.
Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. I am emotionally exhausted. :( Yesterday with the whole plastering the world wide web with preggo-ness, and then today.
Oh yes, I went to work this morning... with yesterday's not so good day carrying over into today. A lady came in where I work and needed to get in her SDB. She had a young girl and a little baby with her.
Long story short, the baby spit up on her, another lady at the office offered to hold the baby while she cleaned and finished up, and as they were handing off the kid the woman says "This is Lilly, we've waited a long time for her". I lost it right there in front of my coworker and a complete stranger. I excused myself and went and sat in the bathroom floor and sobbed like an idiot.
It was weird. I could not control my emotions. I was talking to myself in my head...it's okay...it's a baby...but you're okay. But when the name was mentioned, even though I told the tears they better not come...they did. And all of their relatives came with them. It was bad.
My boss and coworker came and found me, crying....face blood red...hugged me, and made me cry some more. I work with such amazing people. :) So supportive. I love them to death.
I walked it off...drank some cold water, got all the tears out. Confided in a coworker and told her about yesterday and everything that had happened way back when and why I took yesterday so hard. And then came back to work.
I feel horrible because my former boss came in (she's preggo) and I completely ignored her, when normally I would be talking her head off. So not only did I have a minor melt down...I was a witch.
So that's been my day. Fun stuff...can't wait for it to be over with, and for vacation to come.
Oh yes, I went to work this morning... with yesterday's not so good day carrying over into today. A lady came in where I work and needed to get in her SDB. She had a young girl and a little baby with her.
Long story short, the baby spit up on her, another lady at the office offered to hold the baby while she cleaned and finished up, and as they were handing off the kid the woman says "This is Lilly, we've waited a long time for her". I lost it right there in front of my coworker and a complete stranger. I excused myself and went and sat in the bathroom floor and sobbed like an idiot.
It was weird. I could not control my emotions. I was talking to myself in my head...it's okay...it's a baby...but you're okay. But when the name was mentioned, even though I told the tears they better not come...they did. And all of their relatives came with them. It was bad.
My boss and coworker came and found me, crying....face blood red...hugged me, and made me cry some more. I work with such amazing people. :) So supportive. I love them to death.
I walked it off...drank some cold water, got all the tears out. Confided in a coworker and told her about yesterday and everything that had happened way back when and why I took yesterday so hard. And then came back to work.
I feel horrible because my former boss came in (she's preggo) and I completely ignored her, when normally I would be talking her head off. So not only did I have a minor melt down...I was a witch.
So that's been my day. Fun stuff...can't wait for it to be over with, and for vacation to come.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Just what I needed to keep my hormones balanced.
I am going to barf...or pass out...or go off the deep end. I feel like being a drama queen right now. I just found out that someone I know is pregnant, and needless to say...not taking it the best.
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