Thursday, August 5, 2010

Desiree's Soapbox take #1

Yesterday wasn't the greatest of days. Weather started off kinda dreary...and that's just how I felt. I figured since I was already in a funk that I should go ahead and get new flowers and take them to the cemetery. I have to work this coming up Saturday, which means that I had yesterday afternoon off.

Clif met me for lunch, and then we headed to a local craft store to pick up flowers before heading over to the cemetery.

I truly believe that people are oblivious to pain and death. People take life for granted, not even stopping to think twice when it may be their time... or the time of someone they love.

Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was shopping for flowers to go on the grave of my dead infant daughter. I don't know what it was - but it just hit me hard.

Here Clif and I are searching for the perfect bunch of flowers to honor our precious Lillian, and people are bustling around us - practically running us over. Always in a hurry...

I know that they didn't know what we were there for. How could they know that nine months ago the two young people they were running all over had experienced the worst thing that had ever happened to them?? How could they know that our child was dead?

Like I said, people are just in a hurry these days. They don't take time to stop and really think about things. To think about what the person in front of or beside of you might be going through. Are people that work with the public not entitled to have a bad day??

I try to keep that in mind when encountering situations in public life. I might be in a line at the grocery store that's a mile long - but what about the cashier? What if she just found out that someone close to her died?? Or, what if she didn't have enough money to make ends meet the last few months and got evicted from her home?? What if she needs to be with a sick loved one... but can't because she'll lose her job?? It could be the anniversary of the death of someone she loves. It could be the anniversary of the day that she had to say goodbye to her child forever.

People are just so self centered sometimes. Got to watch out for number one, right?? Well in my opinion they need to slow down and smell the hypothetical roses. Chill out and look around at the people around them - and take into account that maybe they are going through a life changing situation. Realize that we all are human. Maybe even care a little bit.

And one more little thing that urks me, since I'm already letting my opinions be known.

It's been (almost) nine months since I was dubbed with the title, "BLM". That's right. I am suffering loss because my baby died. I will never ever ever take the subject of pregnancy lightly, nor will I ever take the life of a child for granted. If the Lord blesses us with another child, I will thank Him daily for that blessing. I already pray that if He gives us another child that He will protect him/her as they spend their nine months inside me, that He allow me to give birth to a LIVE baby...and that He will protect that child as he/she grows.

My issue here is - I can't tell you how many happy-go-lucky oblivious pregnant women I see in a weeks time. They walk around, bellies out... never even thinking that something could happen to their baby. That's only something that happens in the movies, or to people that they don't even know. That kind of heartache could never touch their lives.

I wish there was something that I could do to guarantee that there would never be another baby that dies. But I can't. And I would never wish my pain on anyone. EVER.

And I wish there was something that I could do to make these girls aware. To tell them to take every precaution. To listen to every little thing that their doctors tell them to do. To never do anything stupid that would put their baby's life in danger.

And then you have these little teenie boppers that go out and get pregnant, and they think it's "cool". The only thing they really care about is if their body will ever look the same. Well, I've got news for ya. No - it'll never be the same. Now get over yourself and on to your baby. They could care less that they're pregnant... or at least that's the way a lot of them come across.

I'm not mad, I'm not bitter... I'm just annoyed. And hurting. And well, it just hasn't been good these last few days.

Maybe it's because AF is getting ready to come and visit me with all of her loveliness? Gotta love medically induced visits of AF... they make life SO much better. NOT. :)

Please excuse me for my fowl mood. I didn't even really realize I was in one until I started typing :)


Okay I'm done whining now. Sorry about that little soapbox episode. :)

5 comments:

Lori said...

Bless your heart...I'm so sorry it hurts so much right now.

You're not whining. You're sharing your heart and hurt and that's just fine to do--be gentle with yourself...it's still very, very fresh and all those little things seem to be like rubbing salt in the wound.

Lots of prayers friend!

Hannah Rose said...

Desiree,

I love you, girl! I feel like I could've written this post. That is weird that we both had an emotional moment in Michael's yesterday. Maybe even at the same time. Everyone in their own busy life, hustling and bustling around, completely oblivious to any pain around them.

My mom and I say the same thing...you never know what someone is going through any why they are in a grumpy mood. What a great way to look at it.

I feel irritated somewhat when I see a pregnant woman, completely clueless as to how HER pregnancy COULD end. That it's not just something that happens in the movies or to someone you hear about. And of course we would never wish it on them! We will never be blissfully happy and unaware during pregnancy again, however, I would never want to steal the thunder of someone who is. Chances are, it won't happen to them. I mean, it could, but I would never want to worry someone in their own little, happy bubble for no reason, ya know? We talked about this very thing in my infant loss support group (ParentCare) a few weeks ago.

It really makes me mad to see this teenie bopper pregnant girls. And all they care about is losing their figure. Well, at least you have a baby to show for it! I'm so overweight right now for my previous cross-country runner body. I have SO many stretch marks, too many to count, a saggy, ugly stomach. And I never even got to hold my baby alive! And I don't even have a husband. So, when I do get married, I feel like my husband will be disgusted with my body and it looks that way from another guy's baby!

I know these are really personal issues. But, you are someone I consider a close friend. Now,I'm the one venting. This is what we're here for...to hear each other out and be a shoulder to cry on. You and Lilly are always on my heart and in my prayers!

Hannah Rose said...

I just left you a really long comment on this post..then I lost it because it said it was too long! haha. I'll have to shoot ya an email. ;)

~W~ said...

Giving you a BIG HUG!!!!!!

AHB said...

I honestly couldn't have said it any better...You are not complaining, whining, etc..you are feeling. We all feel like this every day, and I hate that people just go about their business and don't thank God for what they have or even think about others..We are a selfish society. We never think anything bad could happen to us or our children..We need a reality check! I hear you loud and clear today because I feel the same way. It is even harder to bear when getting pregnant isn't exactly an easy task..I know way too many people who take it for granted..I am praying for you and for you to be blessed with another beautiful baby that you get to care for on Earth..

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