CrAzY iN lOvE

:)

I've been off of work for the last few days - and so was Clif. So we got to spend some much needed time together! I really really enjoyed it, especially right in the middle of a two week night shift schedule.

Monday I let him sleep in (since he was coming off of a 12 hour shift), he got up around 2:30. I spent the morning finishing up his Christmas shopping and then went to my moms house to wrap it all :) When he woke up there were three giant packages in the living room. He hasn't a CLUE as to what they are. Makes me happy. I love surprising him.

That evening was spent making Christmas candy, talking, eating home made Chicken & Dumplings, watching movies and eating popcorn. I had a blast.

Oh, and we can't forget about the wrestling! No no, not like that...get your mind out of the gutter. :) Like literally wrestling. It's so much fun. Clif had to go through an academy of sorts, so we knows a lot of "moves"... but I have busted out a few moves of my own. :) All made up by me.


Yesterday we slept in, ate some pizza...lounged around, and then headed to the mall. We walked around for an hour or so, bought him a game for his Playstation, and then we were on our way to the Daniels house for dinner :) Aleisha cooked for us - beef stirfry, rice, and apple crumb pie with icecream. YUM!

Clif had a blast playing with "T", our goddaughter. She is VERT mobile now...always running around getting into something. She is a doll :) Love her!

So the last few days have been eventful...and fun packed. :)

On a more serious note - please be praying, Clif is going to be calling my doctors office today to find out if they will call the insurance company to see if I can get more appointments. I'm really worried about this... worried that they wont give me any more appointments.

I have such high hopes for this months cycle...and I'm terrified that I'm going to be disappointed once again. I am trying to TRUST the Lord...that what happens is his will. I just...want this so bad. I can almost "taste" it.
I can see myself being pregnant again...and I haven't been able to "see" that in a while. A long while. I keep thinking of all the things that I wish I had done differently during my pregnancy with Lilly. And I know that I'm going to have SO much more stuff with my next, if the Lord sees fit to bless us again.

*sigh* I hate ending this post on such a sad note... but it's just how I'm feeling lately. When Clif is working nights, I have a lot of time to think...and that normally gets me in trouble. At least with myself.

I keep praying and praying...and hoping and then praying some more. I never thought in a million years that I would be struggling with infertility, and that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. It breaks my heart... especially when I think of all the women who are going through the same things that I am. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of longing,hoping,waiting,praying...I know that it's all part of it... but it just...hurts.

I see friends with their children, and can't help but think about the way things could have been. I think back to how happy and carefree I was while pregnant with Lilly Bean. I remember the showers...and gifts, and how excited I was to bring home my little "Joy".

Crazy in love...but completely heartbroken.

thinking.

I've been thinking about Angie Smith's book... "I Will Carry You" a lot recently.

A lot.

I think that I am going to read it again...even though I sobbed through the entire book the first time. There are so many comforting words, comforting scripture... and also comforting, hope.

The Smith's story, like many others, is absolutely heart breaking. But even after everything they have been through - watching them grow from it all, and seeing them love God that much more... is amazing.

I can only hope that one day that I can touch the hearts of others the way that Angie and her husband have. The way that Audrey touched lives...and the way that Lilly touched lives.

Yeah, I'm going to re-read it. :) I'll let you all know my thoughts when I finish it (again). If you have never read this book, I highly recommend reading it!