Tuesday, March 11, 2014

4 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days.

That's what I found when I looked at my blog for the first time in at least a year.

Four years, three months, three weeks and five days since I said hello and goodbye to my precious baby girl.

It's so hard for me to even wrap my mind around the fact that I should have a four year old running around in the midst of the chaos we call life.

A four year old.

I've been thinking about that should-be four year old.

I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful family whom I love with all that I am. I think that I have finally come to terms with the fact that it's okay that there is a piece missing from "all that I am"... It's Lilly's piece of me. It's the piece of my heart that she took with her four years, three months, three weeks and five days ago.

Who knew a heart could be so full...yet still ache for the should-have-been.

disconnect

I used to love to write here. I needed to write here. So many things that once mattered to me get tossed to the side now. The things that I once made time for seem...unimportant.
I miss writing here. I miss speaking my mind here. I miss the encouragement...and the feedback. I miss the friends that I met because of our story...because of Lilly' story.

So much has happened since I last wrote here. I hope to bring you all up to speed in the near future...

Until then.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Rest In Peace Uncle Rufus


Meet Uncle Rufus. One of the sweetest men you'd ever meet in your life. I didn't really "know" my uncle until his last living brother, my grandfather, passed away in March of 2001.
I was drawn to him...I guess because he reminded me SO much of my Papaw. I remember him staying what seemed like forever the day of my Papaw's funeral. I remember how he was there for us...especially my Granny.
Over the years - especially after Granny died in June 2002 - I kind of adopted Uncle Rufus as a grandfather of sorts. I grew attached to him very quickly.
This picture was taken at his surprise 90th birthday party - which his family/church threw for him. What a happy day. Clif and I are undecided... but are fairly certain this picture was taken 6-7 years ago. Time flies.
This morning, not long after I arrived at work... I received a text message letting me know that my Sweet Uncle Rufus passed away this morning.
We all knew it was coming... after all, he was just a few years short of 100 years old! He'd been doing pretty rough for a while, and took a turn for the worse a few weeks back. We pretty much knew it was just a matter of time...yet...it was such a surprise to me.
Uncle Rufus had been in Florida with his son for quite some time. I hadn't seen him for 2+ years. Though time and distance separated us...I will miss this sweet sweet man so much. I'm so blessed to have known and loved this precious man.
Rest in peace Uncle Rufus...

Until we meet again.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

{not so} dysfunctional

...so the other day I heard some words that I'd never heard before. In fact, I never thought I would hear them.

"Your ovaries are perfect. No cysts. Everything looks perfectly healthy."

Um...excuse me Dr.G, could you repeat yourself?

Yeah. Needless to say - I was super shocked to hear those words come out of my good ole doctor's mouth! I really did almost ask him to repeat himself. 

Apparently I have stress in my life. Ha! I can't imagine WHY in the world I would have any reason to be stressed ;) Not saying it's a bad stress per say... just stress in the general sense of the word.

It all started about four weeks ago when I started having pretty bad pain in my left side. Actually, it constantly ached and there would just be sporadic pain shoot through my side. Soon after that started - my right side started hurting. At this point, I knew it was time to call Dr.G. I just knew that my ovaries were acting up - covered in cysts no doubt. Along with my self diagnosis, I already decided that I was going to have to have another surgery on my ovaries.

I called Dr.G's office... which is a whole new thing in itself. Since giving birth to the triplets - Dr.G has moved to a private practice, and it's become quite difficult to get in touch with him...let alone get in to see him. I spoke with a nurse that let me know that Dr.G was on night shift - and that she would pass along the message. The nurse called me back the next day saying that Dr.G felt like I should go in for an ultrasound and get checked out. That he "felt like something may be going on in there". Grreeat. This whole time, they were corresponding with Dr.G via email I guess... and it just made me more and more nervous. So, when I reached the point where the pain and worry consumed me...I called Dr.G at the hospital and asked if he thought I should come in. I mean, what if it were a ruptured cyst or something completely different all together? The doctor quickly calmed my nerves -he's always been kind of good at that, huh?- and assured me that I did not need to come to the ER that night :) Needless to say...the kind of ultrasound that I needed...yes, THAT kind of ultrasound, cannot be done at Dr.G's office....so I had to wait until they could get me in at another office. Originally it was going to be a week, but later - they had a cancellation and it only ended up being 4 days. Whew. 

Meanwhile...I got all worked up and had some kind of weird episode at work. My vision went blurry and I couldn't see for almost two hours. It was miserable. About 30 minutes after my vision went all crazy on me, I had a horrible pain on the right side of my head. Long story short... Velocity {Urgent} Care trip...AND an ER trip later... apparently I survived my first ever legit Migraine. Bleh. That was definitely an experience I do not care to relive anytime soon.

Yesterday was my ultrasound...and I was more than nervous. You all know me...Desiree the Worry Wart. I had decided that I was covered in cysts...maybe they would even find a growth or something in there.

Silly me! I thought that I would get results right then and there... but then realized that after they did the ultrasound - they would have to send it to Dr.G to look over. Ugh! All that waiting. I watched the screen as the ultrasound was preformed... and convinced myself that I saw at least half a dozen things wrong with my insides.

Side Note: foot tats are GREAT conversation pieces when getting THAT kind of ultrasound. HA!

Thank the Lord, Dr.G called me within a few hours of the ultrasound. I sat down, and prepared myself for the news he would have.

The news was nothing. Actually, it was better than nothing. He said that I didn't have single cyst on my ovaries. That they looked perfectly healthy. My uterus too! What? Seriously? Was he looking at the right chart?

All that to say...I'm pretty pleased. :) First time very I've been told that my ovaries are healthy. Kinda made my day.

Two years ago I was told that I had "Other Ovarian Dysfunction". Yeah...not so dysfunctional anymore! Way to go girls!

God is so good :) I am so undeserving of the blessings that He has given me.

Dear Lilly {1,272 days later}

...1,272 days.

   ...3 years. 5 months, and 25 days.

      ...181 weeks and 5 days.

            ...30,528 hours.

                 ...1,831,680 minutes.

Dear Lilly,
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I locked eyes with your daddy in the bathroom mirror... the night we found out that you were growing inside me.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw your tiny bean-shaped body on the ultrasound screen... and heard your heart beat for the first time.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday when Ms.V told us that we were going to be Mommy and Daddy to a precious baby GIRL. A little girl that we had already named Lillian Joy.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that Dr.G told me that there was a chance that I'd have to go out of work early because my blood pressure was too high, and that it was too much stress on you and me.
 Most days i feel like it was just yesterday that Dr.G told me that he would induce labor...since you were so stubborn, and didn't want to come on your own.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I listened to some of your hearts last beats in that doctor's office. The last time I ever heard your heart beat.
 Most days i feel like it was just yesterday that you woke me up bright and early on your birthday... willing your way out. As if saying, "Wake up Mom! Let's get this show on the road!".
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that the nurses on the L&D floor couldn't find your heart beat and called Dr.G on his way to the hospital.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that they rolled in the ultrasound machine.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw your lifeless body on that black and white screen.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that my world was shattered, and my life came to a screeching halt.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday when I walked into that operating room, knowing that there would be no happiness that day. Knowing that they would cut me open and take away the only connection I had to you.
 Most days I do feel like it was just yesterday...
 But today...just a few short days before Mother's Day  2013 - I feel like it's been decades since I saw your precious face. Since I held you for the first time... since I held you for the last time...since I kissed your chubby cheeks, smelled your freshly washed hair, and stroked your tiny fingers. I feel like it was a lifetime ago...and my heart aches to have those moments back. Just to relive them one more time. Maybe if I could see you one more time...hold you just one more second...maybe I could store a few more memories of you.
 Some days there are little things that I just can't remember about you...or your short life...and it makes me feel like I am losing you all over again.
 I try to relive those days in my mind from time to time...so I don't forget. Oh God...there are so many things that I won't forget about you. Your smooshed little nose...your soft brown hair...your big ole' feet... your long fingers...chubby cheeks...your soft skin...your big ears...your lips...your look of innocence. Perfection.
 I love you little girl...and I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine.

Always,
 Mommy

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I'm baaaack :)

As I drove down the interstate the other morning…I realized that I really miss blogging. I miss recording all the happenings of my crazy life. And while I can’t promise you (or myself for that matter) that I’ll keep up like I used to, I really want to try.
Not only do I miss blogging – but I also miss keeping up with my blogger friends! I miss reading your stories, and “hearing” what’s going on in your lives.
Life is going good…a little hectic at times, but good. I have been back to work for a little over a year now, and though I miss my kids while I’m away – I really enjoy my job. Come May, Clif will have been at his new job for a year – and loves it! We both really have been blessed with good jobs, great people to work with, and even better people to work FOR.
We’ve made a lot of new friends over this past year J I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with, and getting to know so many new people!
The kids are doing wonderful! I can’t believe that their two year birthday is just around the corner. It’s one of those happy/sad feelings. I can’t even begin to express how amazing it’s been to watch them grow and develop into little toddlers…but on the other hand, I so miss those tiny little babies that would let me snuggle them for hours! I know, I know, it’s all part of it – but I can’t help but miss those baby days.
Eli is, as always, HUGE. He’sGOT to be pushing 30 pounds now. He’s so chubby and cute. He loves to dance, sing, and snuggle. His favorite new things are Thomas the Train Engine & TRUCKS! Needless to say – his most recent words are “CHOO-CHOO” and “TRUCK”. He still has his hazel eyes that will melt your heart, and his little brunette {on the verge of} mullet. He got his first haircut a few months ago…and it looks as if I am going to have to take him back for his second SOON. He still looks just like his Daddy! He has the SWEETEST little personality. And have you ever seen a toddler that LOVES to be in church? As you all know, my dad is a pastor…and boy oh boy does Eli love his Poppy! This past Sunday he sat on his Gigi’s lap, on the very front row, and sat perfectly for over an hour. The most noise he made is when he was playing with a hymn book and started singing “lalala” ever so softly. It cracks me up that he would rather sit still and be quiet than to go into the nursery with his brother, sister, and the other children!
Easton is a sweetheart when he wants to be and a knuckle head the rest of the time. HA! He’s a few pounds under Eli, but makes up for it in his legs. He has gotten SOOOOO big. He has the CUTEST, cotton ball soft, blonde hair. And heartbreaking crystal blue eyes. Though he is a bully at times (ha!)… he is so sensitive. Easton is always on the go. I mean, this kid never sits still. He’ll come over and want me to pick him up, he’ll give me a hug or kiss, and then he’s on the move again. He and I did have a sweet time a few weeks ago – he woke up early from nap, and when I went to get him from his crib…he got on the couch with me and slept on my chest for an hour while the other two kiddos slept. It was precious! I haven’t had a sweet moment like that for a long time! He is definitely his Gigi’s boy! Clif and I were talking the other day about how when he and I have a date night, the kids could care less when we walk out of the house. It’s like pulling teeth to get hugs and kisses from them. But you let their Gigi walk out of the ROOM, and they lose their minds. J
Easton most definitely uses his good looks to his advantage…he will deliberately do something he KNOWS he is not supposed to…and flash you his toothy grin and make you forget all about what he did wrong.
Speaking of TEETH…these kids have SIXTEEN teeth each – and I swear they are getting ready to cut their two year molars…LORD help me!
Elliana is still our Sweet Petite Princess…with a touch of attitude. Okay, with a LOT of attitude. Oh my goodness, that little girl! She is a mess. She is so much smaller than her brothers…Clif insists that she will be involved in gymnastics because of her size. Poor little thing, she will be two in July and she is just now BARELY wearing a size 18 months. I love it though, it gives me time to enjoy the “little” stage a bit longer. She is SUCH a girl… in every single way. She loves pink, shoes, and anything to do with hair. FINALLY…her hair is long enough for pig tails – which is about the only thing that we can do with her hair. She loves them (and so do the boys)! All three of them call the pig tails “girls”…don’t know where they got that name…BUT, I can’t help but smile when Eli comes up to me and pulls out the sides of his hair asking for “girls”. Back to Sister. Her vocabulary seems to grow by the day…she surprises me with new words all the time. She has named the boys: “Lala” –aka, Eli and “Easty” –aka, Easton and calls herself “Ana”…leaving off the Elli part of her name. She knows just about everybody part, including the embarrassing ones. This little girl has some crazy personality…and I love it! Her new favorite thing is hide & seek. Every night when Daddy and I put the boys to bed, she hides beside the gun cabinet….always giving herself away by calling, “Ana”. She LOVES her Daddy… but is definitely a Mama’s girl…all the way.
Ah, I love those kids! I thank God every single day with blessing our lives in the way that He did.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Lillian Joy Smith {year three}

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's hard to believe it's been three years since the day I first laid eyes on you. Three years since we held you in our arms for the first time...and three years since the last time we held you in our arms.
 The last three years have been a rollercoaster of emotions, and events. But in everything I do, no matter what happens... there is never a day that my thoughts don't come back to you in some way.
 The pain that Daddy and I felt on that cool November day are still incredibly vivid in my mind. It feels like it was just yesterday that we heard Dr.Garcia utter those earth-shattering words, "no heartbeat".
 But...as much pain that still lingers...we rest in knowing that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. We'll never have to worry about this evil world bringing harm to you. I find great comfort in that promise. And even more comforting, I know I'll see you again!
 I miss you, Little Girl. I feel like I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine. So many times I'll catch my self feeling genuinely happy...and can't help but think that the only thing missing is, the only person missing - is you. A little three year old you... which is odd thinking about...because you'll always be a chubby-little-five-pounder-baby-girl in Mommy's mind. A little girl who is forever a part of me. A little girl that I will always carry in my heart.
 Rest safe in His arms, Baby Girl. Until we meet again....

-Mommy

Thursday, November 8, 2012

November 9,2012

It's November 9th...2012. Well, at least it will be in the next hour or so.

I don't even know where to begin. I haven't been here consistantly for such a long time.

Yes, I'm busy... but I find time to do just about everything else...yet, I never make time to write down my thoughts anymore. I can't tell you how many blog posts I've started and never finished. Not because I didn't want to...I guess I just felt like I ran out of things to say. There's no time like the present...I guess...right?

I'm going to be honest. I've been dreading November...well, pretty much all year. I scheduled myself off of work months ago. I don't know what's different about this year...but it's like someone stuck a big piece of heavy duty duct tape on an open wound, yanks it off, and repeats...and repeats...and, well... you get the picture. Why is this year so much more painful?

Sometimes...when I'm really happy...when I find myself just enjoying life with my family, I catch myself thinking about what it would have been like if Lilly had lived. What would it be like with her here now? I sometimes picutre what it would be like for 16 month old Eli, Easton & Elliana playing with their *almost* three year old sister.

Forgive me... but I'm having one of those, "Why isn't she here with us? She was my world before she was even born, and she was ripped away from me before I even got the chance to know her. Why why why?" kind of days. Don't get me wrong, I still have peace. I know where my little girl is, and Who she is with. I know and believe with all of my heart that there is a reason for everything. But I can't help but feel "down" (for lack of better word) every now and again.

I haven't had a good cry in a while. There are so many emotions that I have felt in the last three years, sometimes I feel like a nut job :) But tonight... in the quiet of my bedroom...I let the tears fall. Hard. And lots of them! I listened to music that brings back memories of my precious Lilly Bean, and looked through her hospital pictures. The only pictures that I have of my little girl.

As Lilly's birthday quickly approaches, I find my heart aching...an ache like I've never felt before.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

That moment that changes your life...forever.

So I was riding down the road listening to a local Christian radio station - when they started talking about their upcoming topic for their morning show tomorrow morning.

Moments that changed your life.

Two moments immediately popped into my head. Let me tell you about those moments.



November 13th,2009

This picture was taken just hours after the most life-altering, dream-stopping, heart-shattering moment of my life. 

Just a few hours before my husband and I had arrived at Roanoke Memorial Hospital to induce labor, and give birth to our first born child, Lillian Joy. Shortly after being checked into a room...that moment took place. The moment that will forever be burned into my heart...the moment that my doctor looked at my husband and me and said the two words that will never cease to bring tears to my eyes..."no heartbeat". Our  world came to a screeching halt when we were told that our unborn child, at 40w4d gestation, had died inside my womb. The same child that had woken me just three hours before...willing her way out. She was gone. And there was nothing we could do except to cling to our Loving Savior, and to one another.


January 27th,2011



That moment when Dr.S said something along the lines of, "Looks like we missed one, you're having THREE pregnancies." What? At the same time? In that moment I knew that God had heard our prayers and that He had answered them, three fold!

There were most definitely times during my struggle with PCOS & infertility that I thought I would never become pregnant a second time. That the only child He blessed us with would forever live with Him.

God is faithful to his children. And my family is living proof.



Though it didn't necessarily pop into my head first thing, there was definitely a third moment that came tumbling into my mind soon thereafter. 


July 15th,2011




The day that Eli Zayne (4lbs.06oz), Easton Layne (3lb13oz), and Elliana Rayne (2lb15oz) came kicking & screaming into this world.

After a journey like ours...enduring the pain and heartache of losing a child... it was the most rewarding feeling to hear three cries...and to watch three seemingly healthy babies be born into this world.

Moments like these changed my life forever. Some for the good, and some for the bad... but a day never goes by that I don't believe with my whole heart that all the above mentioned was in God's master plan for mine and Clif's lives.





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