brb :)

Also known as, be right back.

I know that this may seem odd... I'm normally an avid blogger and have a ton to say (you all know that!!) But I am afraid that I'll be missing in action for a while.

Know that I'm fine...and that nothing is really "wrong"... I just need a break. I'll miss putting my whole life out there...(lol) but I'll be back!!! And I plan on continuing on following you all...and commenting, and praying...

I'll be back soon...don't know when. But I will be back. I pray that each of you are blessed beyond belief. God bless you..

Please continue to pray for Clif & me as we journey through this month, and all the ones in the future.

a little this...a little that. {updated}

First off, I want to ask that you say a prayer for Lori, and her new little blessing, Luke. Lori went in for a csection today. I haven't heard anything as of yet, but I pray that all is well.

Next, I want to whine a little bit. :) If any of you follow me on facebook....you probably saw my status, and thought that it was slightly ridiculous. I think it was something along the lines of "I hate night shift!I HATE NIGHT SHIFT! I really really hate night shift." And oh boy do I hate it. :( I'm not the one that has to work the long hours... but I am the one that has to stay at home by herself all night long.

Please please please pray with us. Clif has put in for a different position with his employer...and it would be a Monday-Friday, 7-4 job! There are like 60+ applicants... and we are fairly certain that he will not get it over some of the others... but what an answer to prayer it would be!! Currently he works 12-13 days a month, but it's swing shift. He works two weeks of nights & two weeks of days. He never works more than three days in a row! He really enjoys his time off...but... we are thinking ahead, of our future. If I get pregnant, it would be nice to have him at home every night with me. And when we do have more children, he would be able to be home in the evenings with them... and be able to attend school functions ect.

:) So though we are pretty certain he wont get it...but we will continue to pray until the position is filled!!!

{update}

Just received a text message & picture from Lori (or actually, probably John).... baby is BEAUTIFUL! :) So happy for them!!!

who would have thought...

forever could be severed by...

                         the sharp knife...

                                             of a short life....



So out of the blue these lyrics popped into my head. It's a song that I've shared here before. It's called "If I die Young" by The Band Perry.
The first words that really caught me were...

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life aint always what you think it ought to be, no
Aint even gray but she buries her baby..."

Rain and rainbows have really been big for me since losing Lilly. Rain symbolizing the "storms" that we have endured during our life, mostly this past year. And rainbows symbolizing things that have yet to come.

Anyway...back to my main reason for writing this post. The words, who would have thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life. Talk about hitting home.

I haven't been in her room for a while... it seems that it gets harder and harder every time I think about it. But tonight I opened her door, turned on her light, and quietly hummed/sang those words to her.

I can't help but think about what those words mean to me. I mean, seriously... who would have thought? I never tought that my future would include grieving daily for my baby girl. I never would have dreamed that her life would be cut short. That she'd never breath a breath this side of Heaven. Would would have thought?

Hmmm...I've got a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head :) Should keep me busy for a while. Oh, how I hate night shift...gives me way too much time to myself! :) Night all!

a little patience.

"Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you

I'm still alright to smile

Girl, I think about you every day now

Was a time when I wasn't sure

But you set my mind at ease

There is no doubt you're in my heart now

Said woman take it slow

It'll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience..."

Ok yes, I admit... I am a Guns n Roses fan. I was thinking about patience today...and how I need a lot of it. A whole lot.

Right now, at least here lately... I'm been really impatient. Most times I think of Lilly, and of the next baby (if there ever is one), I can't help but think, "I want another baby...and I want him/her NOW!" I find myself thinking it's just not fair...everyone around me is getting pregnant... everyone is happy....healthy even.

And here I am, fighting infertility...fighting PCOS, & fighting to make it through (emotionally) each day.

I try to stay positive. I don't want to appear 'down in the dumps'. I know I need want to be happy. I want to smile, I want to go an hour without thinking about how everything seems like it's against me. Every step of the way I feel like something new jumps in front of me.

But today I'm choosing to be patient, or at least trying my very hardest to be. I am choosing, or at least trying to trust that God has a huge plan in the works for mine & Clif's life. I am choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that Lilly was born and Lilly died...for a reason. And though I may not know that reason, though I may never know the reason, I believe with my whole heart that God loves me...and that He would never do anything to harm me.

These are all hard things to say...hard things to believe...and hard things to accept. But I do. Most of the time. :)

I miss her so much...and with every breath I take, I wish that I could have taken her place.



I believe.

I've been thinking. Scary, I know.

I've been thinking about a blog post that I read yesterday, on a fellow bloggers page. Her name is Lori, and she's such an encouragement to me. A wonderful woman of God. You can find her blog : : here : :

Lori's post got me to thinking. About (double)  blessings from God.

Sometimes I think that I view Lilly's death as a loss. Which, I mean...in all reality it was a loss. But I did have nine months with her. After four months of trying, Clif and I conceived a child. She is a blessing. Yes she died, yes we grieve every day... but she was (and still is) a beautiful gift from God.

And I also think that a lot of times the way I come across, that I think that God owes a double blessing to us. I mean, after all we've been through...I should get a re-do, right??

God doesn't owe me anything. Us anything. He doesn't owe us another child. He doesn't owe us explanation of why our first born is not here on earth with us. He doesn't owe us anything.

This is a bit of a different spin on what Lori was talking about... but it's just how it hit me.

I feel that sometimes when I write here, that I may come across the wrong way. I don't want you (my readers) to think that I blame God, that I expect things from God....

However, even though I know God doesn't owe me... I believe with all of my heart that there is something around the corner for Clif and me. I believe that God will bless us...in His own time, in a very special...unique way. I know that God does not intend to hurt/harm us...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....

I believe.