Friday, October 29, 2010

a little patience.

"Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience..."

Ok yes, I admit... I am a Guns n Roses fan. I was thinking about patience today...and how I need a lot of it. A whole lot.
Right now, at least here lately... I'm been really impatient. Most times I think of Lilly, and of the next baby (if there ever is one), I can't help but think, "I want another baby...and I want him/her NOW!" I find myself thinking it's just not fair...everyone around me is getting pregnant... everyone is happy....healthy even.
And here I am, fighting infertility...fighting PCOS, & fighting to make it through (emotionally) each day.
I try to stay positive. I don't want to appear 'down in the dumps'. I know I need want to be happy. I want to smile, I want to go an hour without thinking about how everything seems like it's against me. Every step of the way I feel like something new jumps in front of me.
But today I'm choosing to be patient, or at least trying my very hardest to be. I am choosing, or at least trying to trust that God has a huge plan in the works for mine & Clif's life. I am choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that Lilly was born and Lilly died...for a reason. And though I may not know that reason, though I may never know the reason, I believe with my whole heart that God loves me...and that He would never do anything to harm me.
These are all hard things to say...hard things to believe...and hard things to accept. But I do. Most of the time. :)
I miss her so much...and with every breath I take, I wish that I could have taken her place.


Trennia said...

I know just how you feel...I wish I could have taken Emily's place too.

butterflymom said...


Betty said...

I felt the same after we lost Vanessa. All these little teen girls getting pregnant even and not me. It's so hard, but dont let the devil get you, girl. I thought getting pregnant would help me cope, but it's just opened up a whole new can of worms. Every day is worry and anxiousness. Most of the time I feel guilty about being happy for THIS pregnancy, or guilty for missing Nessa. Hang in cliche as it sounds, your time will come.

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