Saturday, October 2, 2010

up to *here* with it.

I am fed up with feeling sorry for myself. But on the other hand, I don't know how to move past it.

I'm stuck.

How can I move on? I avoid pregnant women. I avoid women with babies. I avoid people in general. And on top of that... people avoid me. People I know. People who haven't said two words to me since Lilly died. I hate this feeling.

People walk around on eggshells around me. They look at me as if I am going to lose "it" (whatever "it" is) at any moment.

Well newsflash for you. I might just lose it. I might cry. I might want what you have. But that's okay.

My daughter died. I'm hurting...and I think I always will in some way or another. But I don't deserve to be treated like a stranger. I don't deserve to be ignored. And I don't deserve to be treated like I'm five.

The world hasn't stopped because of my loss. Men and women still fall in love. Those women still get pregnant...and they still have perfectly healthy babies. They still grow their families. And they're still happy.

Maybe I'm not "happy" per say. Maybe I'm still trying to sort through a lot. But don't ignore me. It just makes it worse.

Where did this come from?? Well...someone I know had a baby not to long after I had Lilly. I saw the baby with the grandparents in Wal*Mart last night. I have a very good feeling that they saw me - but it was like I had the plague. Like it hurt them to even look at me.

Again. I hate this feeling.

And you know what another feeling I hate is?? I don't know what to call it, but I sure know how to describe it.

I hate that because I am completely BROKEN (yes still) over my daughters death that people are continuously trying to attack me. Using every little instance to try and "get back" at me for grieving.

Let me just say that I know several people who never liked my choice of friends. Some friends even voiced their dislike of others. So... I know how they feel about them. Or at least used to.

This is going to be confusing, but I feel that I have to be vague. Why? Because I don't want to be accused of name calling on my blog.

Let me just set the scene.

A few years back, my best friend announced that she was getting married. I was floored. She was getting married to someone that I had never met (until minutes before telling me). Though I wasn't thrilled... I was happy for her. And jumped on the band wagon.

A lot happened between the initial announcement of their marriage and their wedding.

By the time they were married, my friend and I were no longer speaking.

I went to their wedding, probably for selfish reasons more than any. I didn't want to be accused of not being there - and I just wanted to see how things played out. So I went. I was not kind. I didn't speak an ill word towards her, but as they say... looks speak a thousand words.

I will not say that I didn't speak ill things of her to others. I did. I was hurt (as was she). I felt betrayed. I had lost my best friend.

In October of 2009, just days before my daughter passed away, this estranged friend of mine contacted me. She sent me a box full of gifts for mine and Clif's bundle of joy. She also sent a letter. I caved. I sent her a letter back. We started texting back & forth - and then finally we had our first phone conversation in almost a year since they had been married.

At this point and time they had a daughter...our now goddaughter.

I missed their daughter being born. I wasn't there for her when I know that I should have been.

I saw my friend for the first time in almost a year two days before I went into the hospital for my induction. I can't tell you how happy I was. We had made amends.

I found out last week that this friend is pregnant again. Now before you guys comment with the "oh Desiree I'm so sorry...this must be so hard on you's" don't. Yes, it's going to be hard watching my best friend become a mother for the second time. But I'm thrilled for her. And I want her to know that. This situation is in no way about me. I am praying & hoping for a smooth, healthy pregnancy...and a beautiful healthy baby.

Why all of this?? Well now I'm finally getting to my point.

This is one of those instances that I feel is being used against me. As I've said several times over the last few months - I know several people that are pregnant. One of these "preggos" doesn't particularly "like" my said friend. It's been a competition...for, oh I don't know...since I was 17. But anyways...

Since the news of my friend being pregnant was announced, this person who doesn't particularly "like" her... has befriended her. If that's what you want to call it.

I will say here and now...maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's all innocent. But I highly doubt it.

I view this instance as "Oh, "A" is pregnant now...that's going to put a strain on her relationship with Desiree. Let's see if I can slip in a few things to make it look like "A" and I are friends...since well, we have so much in common now. I mean, we are both pregnant! Maybe just maybe I can try and turn Desiree against "A". Hm, I don't really like "A" but it's a shot."

Well here is some news. It's not going to work. Pretend like you're her friend if you want. All three of us know the truth.

My friend being pregnant is NOT going to come between her and me. I intend on praying for her on a daily basis, I plan on being there for her whenever she needs me...and I plan on being around when she brings her second baby into the world.

Whew. Taking a deep breath.

Once again...I hate this feeling. I guess I did find a name for it, it's called attack.


Jessica said...

Oh Desiree I'm sorry you are having this "attack" as you called it. Emotions just down right suck sometimes! I'm glad you have your best friend in your life again it sounds like she is one very lucky woman to have someone like you in her life. As for someone else trying to ruin it. What goes around surely comes around...sooner or later (((hugs))) <3

Lori said...

Bless your heart...I can only imagine how twisted your heart's emotions are these days---with 'normal' life being full of grief and then situations like Clif's friend with the stroke and your friend and 'other' does seem to be just pouring, doesn't it?

Praying for the attack to weaken and the grace of God to take all the power out of the stings....

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