Saturday, August 7, 2010

should I care??

This morning when I woke up, I decided that it was time to start Lilly's scrapbook. I've been reading Hannah's blog : : here : : and it's got me itching to start on my own scrapbook that I've been putting off.

I've had the stuff since January...or at least most of it. So I'm ready to get started. I just have to find and dig out all my scrap booking stuff. :) Should be something to keep me occupied for a few weeks at least. I welcome anything that'll keep my mind off of reality for a while.

Clif's working today and my mom is meeting me out for lunch. After that, I think I am going to run to Michael's or AC Moore and look for some scrap booking stickers. I may just hang out here in town and get a few things to get started with and head over to the craft stores another day. Who knows. It'll depend on what I feel like.

On to the title of this post. Should I care??

In order to begin my scrapbook, I need pictures. And lots of them. Starting out with the positive pregnancy test, belly shots, u/s pictures, pictures that the hospital took, and pictures that were taken of us holding Lilly. I also want to include a picture of her headstone, and various other things.

But in order to have all these prints made, I need to go somewhere public. Will I offend passer by's while I'm choosing which ones to get printed?? Will I make the person in the photo lab uncomfortable preparing pictures of my dead baby??

I must say that in most pictures, Lilly looks like any other baby. But there are some that are "iffy". What about the ones of Clif & me holding her? I mean...you can clearly see that something is wrong. I mean we are crying, we look like...well, crap. Maybe if I print them in black & white??

Should I care? I mean ... this is all I have left of my daughter. Pictures, the tshirt & cap that she wore when she was born. A ring that she wore in the pictures the hospital took... a clipping of her hair. Her footprints. That's all I have. Should I worry about making someone uncomfortable???

It'd be different if we had known something bad was going to happen. We could have had a photographer planned. We could have had professional pictures taken, pictures that would have been much better than the ones we have. But on November 13th,2009... I knew nothing of stillbirth. I had never heard of the "Baby Loss Mama's" community. I had no clue that there were photographers that would even think about taking pictures of the deceased. Nobody had ever told me that it was acceptable to take pictures of a stillborn baby. I wasn't prepared. I never thought it would happen to me...to us...to Lilly.

But it did.


9 comments:

Lucid Anne said...

I THINK if you put the pics on a CD, Walgreens has kiosks you can print your pics out yourself on. This is worth researching for sure. I think Walmart has the same thing too. <3

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

my thing is - you print them at the kiosk, but then you go up there and they stand and count them. :(

Allyson Shockley said...

Honey you shouldn't feel bad at all! And the fact that you actually thought about it means that you're a terrific person! It's no ones business what pictures you get printed off! I'm so happy you're getting started...I have been wanted to start scrapbooking for years now and still haven't. We should get together sometime and scrapbook! :) Love you and always praying for you!

Danae said...

(((HUGS))) We've only developed a couple of Bailey's pictures and the woman at Wal-Mart gave us a funny look when we came in the for the 3rd time to pick up the same 2 pictures. She didn't ask any questions though. I uploaded everything online, ordered them, and then went and picked them up. When I start Bailey's scrapbook, I will have pictures developed that you can tell she is gone.

I know it's hard, but let them think what they want. Unless they have been in this position, they have no idea what it's like to be in our shoes.

belle said...

oh dear friend.... don't let others bother you. if it upsets THEM, it's their problem. she is your sweet, beautiful, lovely little girl.

yeah, i never knew that there were photographers that could do "special" pictures either. i got a dozen really horrid pictures taken by the midwife that delivered... she did her best, but......

~W~ said...

Don't feel bad at all! If you are worried about it see if the hospital knows of a place you can get them printed. When we lost our son the hosptial actually developed all the pictures that we took and suggested which store to go to where they send mother's like us.

Trennia said...

I had Emily's pictures printed at Walgreens for her funeral, and Raymond went to pick up the pictures and the lady said,Congratulations she is beautiful you must be so proud.Raymond then went on to tell her she had went to heaven and these where for her funeral.The lady was so kind.I think you should not worry about it, this is how it is for you and all of us that have lost a baby it's our lives, not that we choose it this way but it's what we was handed.Your Lily is beautiful!

Lori said...

Honestly, it's very kind and compassionate of you to think of others, but this is YOUR life and none of THEIR business....and if they who develop have the nerve to get out of joint, well, that's their problem.

I want to recommend a site like KodakGallery or Shutterfly or something like that (my fave is Kodak because I think they do the best printing)...you upload the pictures, decide what to print, ridiculously better print prices than at a local drug store and WAY better print quality. WAY better. They come to you in just a few days (I get cards made there ALL THE TIME! Way cheaper than Hallmark, make it how I want and they are fast!) and you won't have to worry about what others think...not that you should anyway, but if you are concerned, that's definitely more private.

Lots of love, friend!

Hannah Rose said...

I too never in a million years thought this would happen to me. To my daughter. I knew nothing of the the "babyloss community." It sometimes haunts me and can consume my thoughts that I didn't do everything the way I would go back and do it now. I would have gotten someone from 'Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep' to come and take pictures. I don't even feel like I completely looked at her whole body. Things are escaping my memory. I wish I had really high-quality pictures of all of her. If only I had known! But, then I think I'm being selfish. Some people don't have ANY pictures. So, I am thankful for the ones I have. Even though I wish I had more. I'm glad I've motivated you to get started on your scrapbook! Some others in my infant loss support group are also getting started. We are planning a little 'scrapbook party.' But, not really a party. More of a 'get-together.' Don't feel embarrassed about the pictures or people seeing you print them. She's your girl and you have EVERY RIGHT to make an album in honor of her. I just go to target.com and upload the pictures and get the local Target to print them. Then, all I have to do is go inside and pay and leave with my photos. It's pretty easy. You should check it out. I would love to see your scrapbook. It's interesting to hear what others are including in theirs and to see the different styles of scrapbooking. I would like to see more pictures of Lilly if you would like to share them with me.

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