Tuesday, May 31, 2011

please handle with care...

...my heart, that is.

I've been excited about getting the nurseries ready for the triplets. I've been DYING to get everything de-cluttered so that I can begin decorating, and getting everything put in place for my precious Eli, Easton & Elliana.
But at the same time...I'm still heartbroken. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Lilly, and I don't think that I will ever come to a point where she doesn't cross my mind.
Tonight was hard...
Dad finished up the second nursery (pictures coming soon). So I had my mom move some things from one nursery to another. Talk about a lot of emotions that hit me all at once...without really expecting them. I had to move HER things out of the way. HER things.
I don't want this to be an issue. I don't want to feel this way... but I do. There are so many things that I'm going to have to box away for the rest of my life. Things that never touched...things that she never used... but yet, they still belong to her.
I had to move dried flowers from her funeral. From her funeral. A parent shouldn't have to speak words like those following their child's name. I had to hide away a 2 dollar bill that Daddy saved for her, had to find a place for her "2009" penny that was supposed to go in her scrapbook. Her piggy bank, the wooden "L" that sat on her bookshelf. *deep breath*  The first little fishing hat that Daddy bought for her. I threw away expired formula that should have been drank by her. Folded and stuffed away the quilt that her little body was wrapped in the last time I saw her. HER THINGS! 
Things shouldn't be this hard. Preparing this for my babies on the way shouldn't bring tears to my eyes, and pain into my heart.
Don't get me wrong...I'm thankful for these babies, and I am anxiously awaiting their arrival. I love to just sit and feel them move inside of me. I love to look at their pictures, and to look back and watch how they have grown in my tummy.
But even though we are getting ready to start a very happy new chapter in our lives, it doesn't take away the chapter that came before. The painful one. The one that no person should ever have to endure. The chapter that tells about a young couple that lost their first born baby girl. The story about a mom and dad that sat in a hospital room and wept over their daughter's lifeless body. Then sat in that same hospital and wrote their daughters obituary...planned her funeral, and then had to say goodbye. I hate that story... but I relive it every single day.
Oh God,please, take the hurt away....

3 comments:

That corgi :) said...

I'm so sorry; I have no words that will ease your hurt but I'll keep praying to God for you and your thoughts, feelings, hurts, joy, sadness, health, finances, etc

hugs to you

betty

Crystal Theresa said...

((hugs)). it must be such a struggle as you prepare for your triplets with joy and remember Lilly and what should have been as you do so. wishing you peace as you navigate this new path, and of course, continued good health and a safe arrival for your Triple Es.

Holly said...

Oh hun that had to be so very hard moving her things. :( our babies are still so very missed

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