Friday, December 17, 2010

am I ready for this?

A little late to be asking this question, huh?

But I ready for this? Am I ready for the emotional roller coaster of this month. Am I ready to take more disappointment? And if I'm not faced with disappointment this month...if my prayers are answered this I ready to handle the stress? The worry? Every day life?

Am I ready to be pregnant again? Is my body ready for it?

I am a firm believer when it comes to, "the Lord won't give you more than you can handle..." I want to believe that another baby wouldn't be taken from us, I strong enough to make it through another tragedy? Could I go on with life if I lost another baby?

There is so much to think about...a lot to pray about.

I've prayed myself to sleep for the last few nights...prayed that the Lord would bless us {with a child} this month. That He would prepare our hearts for what we may {or may not} receive. That He will hold me close, just like He always does. I have prayed that if I do become pregnant this month {or any other month for that matter} that He will give me the strength to carry another baby...that He will calm my nerves...and my heart.

I'm wishy washy this month. In one sense...I can see myself being pregnant {again} this time next month. But then on the other hand - I don't see me ever being pregnant again.

I want this. We want this. Bad. Maybe too bad? I don't know...but we both ache for it.

While reading a fellow bloggers post this morning, it made me think of something. Some people reading my blog may think that another baby will solve my problems. But it won't...and I know that. I know that having another baby {whether biological, or by adoption} will be a long, emotional road.  No one...nothing...will ever replace my baby girl.

I think I am ready for that. I hope I am, at least.


Sarah said...

Sadly the innocence of pregnancy is lost to you. Which means you will worry, be nervous, and at some moments be consumed. But that is motherhood - and I guess what has helped me is that God gave me my little ones specifically for a set period of time, His time. And He will see you through all the days of your life. He will give you strength for the coming days, may God open your womb and bless you with your hearts desires.

Jessi Dawn said...

Desiree, God has laid you on my heart and I've been praying for you. I hadn't been on your blog in awhile, so I didn't know if you were pregnant yet or not. I see this month mioght be The Month. About two days ago, I just had this huge urge to pray that God would open your womb and fill it! I do pray that for you. We see through out the Bible that God does choose to involve himself in procreation, that he opens and closes wombs. I am praying he OPENS your womb, Desiree. May He give you LIFE, abundant. May He give you peace that passes understanding.

Praying for you,
Your sister in Him who fills our wombs,

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Thank you so much for your kind words... and your prayers. I will be praying for you as well. I know that this Christmas season will be hard on us both, but I also know that God will get us through! :)

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