I need prayer. :) Don't I always? But I need extra prayers - especially these next few weeks.
I've been excited about Christmas this year. Not about the gifts...or anything in particular really, just...excited. It's that time of year, ya know? To reflect on the giver of our salvation. I fail miserably at remembering that He is the Reason for the Season...and that nothing else matters. Material things won't last...but He will.
But today...today has been tough. And to be completely honest, I don't really know why. I'm just...so...for lack of a better word, sad. In fact, I'm just right down heartbroken.
I don't know what came over me - don't know why I got in this funk... but I did. I feel like I'm back in December of 2009. A time when I seemed "okay" on the outside, but was trying to pick up the million shattered pieces on the inside. The pain and emotion comes rushing back, reminding me of how much that time in our life hurt. It hurt all over...and it still does.
Here we are, a year later. Our second Christmas without our daughter. You all know as well as any that I always talk about my little girl. She was my world. And as guilty as I feel typing these words, I sometimes think that I get in the habit of talking about her. About my daughter who never lived outside my womb, a daughter that died the day she was supposed to breathe her first breath of life. And in talking about her, I forget the details of her. I forget that she was so tiny...just as small as a doll. How that she had a head full of brown hair... that smelled so good. I forget how soft her skin was... and how it felt to hold her limp body in my arms. I find myself struggling to remember witnessing my hopes and dreams for this little miracle, flushed down the toilet. I remember feeling absolutely helpless.
Anyway... I'm rambling and not really making any sense. I've been feeling kind of out of it for the last few days - but tonight, being home alone (Clif working night shift), I guess I just have too much time alone. And I start thinking...and dreaming, and...remembering. I pulled out a DVD that I made for Clif for Christmas last year. It's a slide show type thing. It starts with a picture the positive pregnancy test that started it all. It goes through all my belly shots, ultrasound pictures, pictures of her room...and then it switches to the morning of induction. Pictures in the waiting room at the hospital, pictures just minutes before we found out that she was gone. And then (of course) there are pictures of my precious Lilly Bean :) And watching that, it made me realize that sometimes it may seem that I'm just telling a story when I talk about her. But she was a real person. She existed. I might not have documentation like most parents do when their child is born (birth certificate), but she lived none the less.
My grief goes deep...even after all this time. It's so hard to move on...to be happy, at least for everyone else.
I do okay most times... but then there are days like today when it really just slaps me in the face all over again.
When I get in these moods, I like to look through her things... to remember her. To keep the memories fresh so that I never forget her. Which brings me to something else...her room. Here we are, a year+ later, and I have yet to pack it up. I've yet to paint over the green walls...I've yet to move on. And I really don't know if I ever will. But you know what? I think that's okay. I deal pretty well most of the time. And I think that I'm entitled to my "off" day, just like anyone else.
I guess that's what you can call it...my off day. Whatever it is...I hope it's gone tomorrow. Though, I must admit that I always end up feeling a lot better once I get a good cry out.
Please pray for Clif & me during this holiday season. And please know, that if you are a member of the Babyloss Community - you and your families are in my prayers. I know that this is a tough time of year...
Along the line of prayer, please continue to pray for us during this new cycle. Pray that this may be the month that we have been waiting (a year) on. :) Thanks!