Wednesday, December 29, 2010

14 days = eternity

It seems that with every passing moment I become more and more nervous. Nervous for January to get here...nervous to be disappointed once again. Nervous about it not being a disappointment. Nervous that we may have our prayers answered.

I'm torn on how to feel about this. I want to think that we'll receive the news that we've been waiting to hear. But then this little voice in the back of my head tells me that I'll never have it. Should I really be happy?? I mean...afterall, my daughter did die a year ago. Should be I be trying to have another baby?

As the fourteen day mark approaches... I feel like throwing up. Not literally...though I wish it was!! I don't want to test. I don't want to see another big fat "no". People keep asking me how I'm feeling...and I honestly don't feel much different than any other day. I did have some sharp pains in my left ovary yesterday... but that's par for the course with my body!

**sigh** If you think of it...please say a prayer for me. Pray that God will prepare my heart for what the days ahead may hold. That He will give us wisdom & discernment. And if you think of it, say a prayer for Clif too! I know that this has to be just as gut wrenching for him.

If this cycle doesn't work, I don't know what our game plan will be for the next month. I'm praying that it won't be the shots...because if it is... we won't be going that route until we can save up the money.

This is the prayer of my heart...

"Dear Lord, I come to You asking You to calm my heart and calm my nerves. Father I ask that if it be Your will, that this month may be "the month" for Clif and me. That you may bless us with a second (and maybe third?) bundle of joy. Lord I ask that you will give me wisdom and discernment in the upcoming days...and as we may be faced with some tough decisions....including having to stop "trying" for a while. I ask that if it comes to the shots, I just ask that You will provide the funds. Lord, you've been so good to us... and I know that You aren't stopping now! I believe with all of my heart that You have great plans for us in the future...and God, I believe that the future includes more biological children. I know that You hear my prayers, and though I may not always receive the answer that I want, I believe that you DO answer. Lord I thank You for the things that You have already done in my life, and thank You for the things You are going to do."


Megan said...

Oh I so hope this works for you!! I am praying so hard that your prayers are answered. It would be so wonderful to have our rainbows so close together, wouldn't it?

You probably haven't realized this, but you have given me so much inspiration. After you posted what you read in the book, "When the Will of God is a Bitter Cup" I went out and bought it . . . . and man did it help me A LOT. That was really a turning point for me and my grief. Thank you for letting your heart out hear . . . so mine can become better.

You deserve this miracle more then anyone I know, I hope and pray that it comes true for you!

Sarah said...

I am praying for the both of you. I want this so bad for you and Clif! The waiting game is the hardest part, but you have said it best "He does answer our prayers"

Mrs*Popcorn said...

i'm praying sooo hard for you too. I want it just as bad for you as i did for me after we lost Rylee. Like Megan said, you deserve this so much, because like her, i see you as an inspiration too. God has a great plan for you, starting with this cycle, i feel it, i hope it, i taste it. Perfect bible verse for this situation:

Matthew 18;19 - "Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven."


Caroline said...

I'm praying real hard for the both of you. God is good.


mommyx12 said...

A beautiful prayer. I pray the Lord will hear the desires of your heart and visit you with His choice blessings.

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