It seems that with every passing moment I become more and more nervous. Nervous for January to get here...nervous to be disappointed once again. Nervous about it not being a disappointment. Nervous that we may have our prayers answered.
I'm torn on how to feel about this. I want to think that we'll receive the news that we've been waiting to hear. But then this little voice in the back of my head tells me that I'll never have it. Should I really be happy?? I mean...afterall, my daughter did die a year ago. Should be I be trying to have another baby?
As the fourteen day mark approaches... I feel like throwing up. Not literally...though I wish it was!! I don't want to test. I don't want to see another big fat "no". People keep asking me how I'm feeling...and I honestly don't feel much different than any other day. I did have some sharp pains in my left ovary yesterday... but that's par for the course with my body!
**sigh** If you think of it...please say a prayer for me. Pray that God will prepare my heart for what the days ahead may hold. That He will give us wisdom & discernment. And if you think of it, say a prayer for Clif too! I know that this has to be just as gut wrenching for him.
If this cycle doesn't work, I don't know what our game plan will be for the next month. I'm praying that it won't be the shots...because if it is... we won't be going that route until we can save up the money.
This is the prayer of my heart...
"Dear Lord, I come to You asking You to calm my heart and calm my nerves. Father I ask that if it be Your will, that this month may be "the month" for Clif and me. That you may bless us with a second (and maybe third?) bundle of joy. Lord I ask that you will give me wisdom and discernment in the upcoming days...and as we may be faced with some tough decisions....including having to stop "trying" for a while. I ask that if it comes to the shots, I just ask that You will provide the funds. Lord, you've been so good to us... and I know that You aren't stopping now! I believe with all of my heart that You have great plans for us in the future...and God, I believe that the future includes more biological children. I know that You hear my prayers, and though I may not always receive the answer that I want, I believe that you DO answer. Lord I thank You for the things that You have already done in my life, and thank You for the things You are going to do."