Sunday, September 12, 2010

a half empty kind of day.

Sometimes I become so completely overwhelmed by my life that I can't breath..
I don't want to breath. I don't want to move, I don't want to be here...

Today I feel bad. Really bad. Worse than I have in quite a while.

It's grandparents day today. My parents, and Clif's mom are without their granddaughter. The granddaughter that we all expected to be here. She's gone. She's not here.

This has hit me... hard.

I hate feeling like this...feeling sorry for myself. But sometimes I just can't help it. It's the way it is.

Facebook wasn't a good place for me to be today. Though I don't blame them for doing it (because I would do it too), it seems like everyone is talking about and/or posting pictures about their existing children, or their children on the way.

I hope that this doesn't strike any of you the wrong way (because I truly don't mean to hurt ANYONE'S feelings) but... if I see another pregnant belly I think that I will puke. Literally.

Yesterday I went to a local arts & craft show with my mom and niece. Every where I turned there were pregnant people. I felt like I was suffocating... drowning...something.

Last year we went to the same arts & craft show. I was pregnant. I was the one that was oblivious to life. Ya know what I bought there? A sign... purple & pink, with butterflies...know what it says?? "Lilly's Room". It still hangs on her bedroom door.

...The bedroom that I still haven't cleaned out - still haven't packed up. How can I put those things away??

I ache to use those things...the clothes, the crib, the rocker, the hundreds of diapers...yet I am left with nothing.

Today I feel... empty.

7 comments:

Amanda said...

i'm so sorry you are feeling down and out today. it is tough, and people who say 'it will get better with time' should be punched in the throat...because sometimes it doesn't get better. anyhow, i wanted to write and say that you are not alone in your feelings of sadness on this day.

Ethansmommy said...

Oh how I feel the pain and ache in your words! I didn't even know today was grandparents day. :( I had aimilar experience recently going to the farmer's market with my sister. It seems like every step I took there was another baby the same age as my little Ethan would have been. It sucks that things we used to enjoy are now just another source of pain. Big hugs to you my dear. You will be in my heart and prayers, take care and be kind to yourself.

butterflymom said...

Desiree,
I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time. I was there last week for the majority of the week. The triggers can be so awful that they completely take your breath away like you posted. I will pray that things get better for you soon... Try to hold onto the belief that things will get better someday.

Jessica said...

Desiree - I am so sorry that you are feeling horrible right now. I totally feel your pain on the seeing pregnant bellies thing. I could go a LONG time without seeing any IF I had a choice. Oh wouldn't that be nice? I hope that you have some smiles in the days to come though... <3

Lori said...

Thinking of you and sending you all my love and prayers...

AHB said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way today..I know what that feels like unfortunately. I used to get so mad when I would see pregnant people or would see people with a lot of children (pregnant again), but my husband would always remind me that I don't know their story. He is right..I don't. I just assume that life is good for them because it appears that way on the outside. I guess my life would appear "perfect" to you if you saw me on the street, but as you know it is far from it..I know how you are feeling right now all too well, but I promise you that better days are ahead. God will put peace in your heart for good, and for some reason you are able to move on and get through it all. I will be praying for you..sending lots of hugs your way. Keep your chin up..good things are in your future!

croleyc69 said...

Lots of {{HUGS}} for you. I'm always praying for you so much.

Caroline

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