Friday, February 26, 2010


Almost four months. I can't believe it. I can't wrap my mind around it. It's been almost four months since we lost our little girl. I accept it, but I still don't like it. And still, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's been almost four months since I heard the words that turned my life upside down.....NO HEARTBEAT.
Yesterday, friends of ours heard those same words. No heartbeat. Though, she was still in her first trimester, but it's still heartbreaking. I know exactly what she's going through and then some. And still, I'm not sure of what to say. She is in surgery as I type, and I am heartbroken for her and her husband.
When we received the news last night, I didn't know what to say. Didn't know what to do. I didn't expect for it to feel like it did. And please know that I am not making this about me, or Clif. But hearing of their heartache brought memories (still fresh) flooding back. It hit Clif hard. I mean, real hard. He was so devastated for their loss. To know exactly what someone is going through... I think it's worse than NOT knowing how it feels.
I'm at a loss as to what to do for her. What to say. I'm headed to Hallmark to get them a card, and a Willow Tree Remembrance Angel...but that's not near enough.
I know that some people would brush this off, she was early's not that big of a deal. But that was HER baby, her baby that she'll never meet...never hold...never. I mean, at least I held my daughter. I'm not sure what is worse.
Needless to say, I'm walking around with a VERY VERY VERY heavy heart.
I know that this is a horrible situation, and with Lillian's death still fresh on my heart it's going to be hard to have the words to say to our friends. BUT, I am praying that God may use Clif and me in a very mighty way. That He may use us to help our friends during their grief process...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

a "blah" kind of day...

As you can tell from the title, I am just "blah" today. Don't really have a reason, just bleh! I am really out of it, not really depressed...not really much of anything.
I am sad though. It's rough seeing and hearing about other people's children. Growing up, little cutzie things they may do... stuff like that. It's SO hard sometimes I just can't stand it. I don't want to be jealous, but at times jealousy takes over before I know what's happening. Does that happen to anyone else?? Is it normal to feel these feelings?
I mean, as other people are watching their children move on in their lives (whether they be a baby or older...) I know that I'll always wonder what Lilly could have been. What she might have done. She will forever be locked in my memory as a newborn baby. That's it. No toddler, no school pictures, senior pictures. Just baby pictures, at the hospital... looking as if she were peacefully sleeping.
I want her so much today, more than usual...I had so many plans. Pictures once a month til she turned one, family pictures... I even had a Christmas present planned for my mom this past year that included Lilly Bean. But all those dreams for her are now nightmares. My little girl is gone. Will it ever stop hurting?? I already know the answer to that It will not. It may get easier to face the day, but it will never stop hurting.
What if God decides that it's not meant for Clif and I to have another little one? I don't know yet... I don't know how I would handle that. I would say that I don't think that's part of His plan, but how do I know?? Who am I to say??
I guess I'm scared. That's a good way of putting it. I want to be a mommy SO bad, well... I want to be a mommy to a baby here on earth. And I'm so scared that I won't be able to have another baby. I am placing this fear in God's hands... but I need to be continually reminded that He is in control of my life. Forever. And no matter what happens, He still loves me.
There is always adoption... but I just, that's not what I want. Not that I wouldn't love to make a home for some sweet child somewhere in the world. BUT, I want my own. It's just not the same. Or at least, it's not the same to me now. If that's what God had in store for my life, I am sure that my opinion on that would change.
So that's it really...I'm scared, I'm hurting, I'm trying not to be jealous...and I want a baby. I want Lilly. I guess you could say that right now, to the world, I am a very organized mess.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I Am Waiting On You, Lord.

=) Song lyrics I thought I would share. I am so blessed to have a personal relationship with my Lord. And since November 13th,2009...I've been waiting on what's next. To see what He has in store for our lives... I am waiting, and I AM hopeful. And I will be serving and worshipping Him while I wait...

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting,I will serve You
While I'm waiting,I will worship
While I'm waiting,I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

waiting on my rainbow...

So a friend sent me an e-mail, you go to this website:
You put in your birthday, and this is what comes up. When I read my "fortune cookie" I couldn't help but smile. I've been through the storm and the "rain" and now I'm waiting for God to bless me with my rainbow. =) Just one of those "God things" that I really needed this morning, even if it was from Dolly Parton! And on a funny note, it says that I am least compatible with the number "1"...Clif is a number 1.

31 January 1988
Your date of conception was on or about 10 May 1987 which was a Sunday.

You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Aquarius.

Your Life path number is

Your fortune cookie reads: If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain. D. Parton

Life Path Compatibility:You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 6 & 7.You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 3, 5 & 9.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447191.5.The
golden number for 1988 is 13.The epact number for 1988 is 11.The year 1988 was a leap year.

Monday, February 22, 2010

my life these days...

It's been a little crazy the last week or so. I have been on an emotional overload...which hasn't helped, I am sure.
Everything is just starting to pile up. Work back in full swing, still dealing with the whole grieving process, trying to live this new life...working daily on keeping the faith, trying my hardest to keep a good attitude towards other people. All this and trying to keep my hormones as leveled as possible, because we are trying to conceive. Geez...
This past weekend really wasn't a good one for us. Emotionally, and not just because of Lilly...but just as a couple, things were rough. Which made for a really long, stressful weekend. When things are good, they are great...but when one thing goes wrong, it all goes to poop.
Church wasn't great yesterday morning add to my overly emotional state. I'd been crying pretty much all weekend, and then had to face babies and toddlers once again. Hearing them behind me, sucking sounds...seeing them...hearing them calling for "mommy"...things that I'll never hear Lilly do. It really just wasn't a good day at all.
On the up side of things, I'm really working on getting my body back to where it needs to be. I don't really care if I lose down to my goal weight before getting pregnant again, because I'm just going to pack the pounds right back on. But I am pleased about the fact that after I lose 3 more pounds, I will be back down to the weight I was when I became preggo with Lilly Bean. ha! I just wish that the weight was as proportioned the same way it was before. Oh well. I'd like to lose about 30-40 more pounds, BUT, I would be more than happy not to lose anymore for a while. Or at least 10 months. =) Not getting my hopes up, but praying praying and praying some more that God may bless us with another child. Back to the doctor in about three weeks or so, looking forward to that...and kind of dreading it at the same time.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

To: Lilly, From: Mommy

Dear Lilly Bean,
Even though I try my hardest, I can't believe it's been THREE whole months since I held you in my arms...three months since Daddy and I said goodbye to you, three months since Daddy carried you to your {body's} resting place. But I know that you aren't there, Lilly... I know that you are in Heaven with Jesus. And that's the one and only comfort that I have in this world, in this life without you.
Baby girl, some days... I don't think that I can go on. I don't think I WANT to go on without you. But I do... I've got your Daddy, and he has been SO strong for me. He misses you though... more than anyone could ever understand.
We still talk about you all the time...still miss you, still cry for you. Sometimes,my body even tricks me into thinking that I feel you wiggling around. Those times are hardest for me. I miss you so much much that it hurts. Constantly.
I think I put on a pretty good smile most days, and I'm doing okay...really I am. But I will never get over you. Ever. A lot of people expect me to I think, but I can't...I won't. I love you too much to just let it go, let YOU go. Yes, Daddy and I are moving on with our lives... but we are moving on with you your memory in it, you are part of our lives.
We'll always consider you our daughter, and our first born. I am a mommy...and I have a daughter...she is just in Heaven. You are just in Heaven. And you will FOREVER hold a place in my heart, in Daddy's too.
I love you Lillian Joy Smith, with all of my heart. I'll never forget you, and always miss you. Forever Baby Girl. Mommy and Daddy will meet you on the other side...


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

random facts about me.

Random questions that I stole from a fellow blogger (, and since I am bored to death...thought that I would kill some time by doing this! =)

1. How old will you be in five years? I will be...27. Oh my

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? Today, well...I guess Karen & Marj at work.

3. How tall are you? 5 ft 2 1/2 inches...YES, I am claiming the 1/2 inch.

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Ummm... as lame as it sounds, I will be going back to the doctor in about 4-5 weeks to go back on Clomid. I'm pretty excited about that!

5. What’s the last movie you saw? In theater - Dear John, at home - Saw VI

6. Who was the last person you called? hubby?

7. Who was the last person to call you? My mom??

8. What was the last text message you received? from my mom.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? my boss.

10. Do you prefer to call or text? either or, depends on the situation.

11. What were you doing at 12am last night? tossing and turning, sleeping.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? happily married...for almost 40 years

13. When is the last time you saw your mom? Yesterday

14. What color are your eyes? brown

15. What time did you wake up today? 6:10

16. What are you wearing right now? black dress pants, white & black top and black sweater.

17. What is your favorite Christmas song? Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me

18. Where is your favorite place to be? Anywhere with my hubby.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be? ummm....??? I don't know.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? Hawaii or Ireland...maybe Paris.

21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years? More than likely still in the Roanoke area, hopefully in a new house, with a couple of kids...a higher position at work? We shall see.

22. Do you tan or burn? I generally burn once a year, then tan to a nice crisp brown.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? Umm...probably the girls at work.

25. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two that are operating but I think that there are a few more around somewhere.

26. How big is your bed? Big enough. Laugh if you will but we still sleep on a full size and love it. Though it was kind of hairy when I was nine months

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? A desktop that rarely gets used, two laptops, and one netbook.

28. What color are your sheets? black :-)

29. How many pillows do you sleep with? Three... then when Clif leaves for work, I snuggle with his.

30. What is your favorite season? I am beginning to like Spring & Fall.

31. What do you like about Autumn? Leaves changing colors, pumpkins...the smell...

32. What do you like about winter? The trees, hands down. =) I LOVE how the snow looks on the trees!!!

i have....four eyes.

Yup...after 22 years of really good vision, I am going blind! Ok, well that might be a bit of exaggeration...BUT...I did go to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I'm a tiny bit near sighted. I however think I am a lot near sighted...haha...because with these glasses I can see SO much better. Things that are in the distance that are really really blurry are now sharp and I can read it!! What a nice feeling...
The doctor told me that I only had to get the glasses if I wanted them...which I did, because it really unnerves me that I can't see like I used to. Laugh if you want, but I feel old. haha...I always thought that I had really good vision, and now I have glasses. =( Well at least they are halfway cute...Clif says they make me look sophisticated, not really sure what that's supposed to mean! What did I look like before??
Anyways, had to put that out there. =) Other than that, not much is happening. Except that I woke up this morning with a pain in my left like my (sorry guys) ovary region. ??? It's not unbearable but it just hurts a little...maybe ovulation?? What's that?? Could my body be doing what it's supposed to?? Only time will tell I guess.
I hope that each and every one of you is having an amazingly blessed week. =) God bless you all.

Monday, February 15, 2010

~ Ten Commandments for Family and Friends ~

so my friend "A" found this and sent it to me, and thought it might be helpful to others...

10 Commandments (for Family and Friends)

Thou shalt NOT refer to our baby as 'it' or in any way imply that our child was not a real person.

Thou shalt take the initiative to seek us out. We are grieving and often cannot make the effort.

Thou shalt let us know that you care. If you don't know what to say, just tell us you love us and
hurt with us. A simple "I'm sorry" is better than silence.

Thou shalt NOT avoid us. We feel so alone. Even though you may feel uncomfortable around us,
we need your friendship.

Thou shalt give us a lot of hugs. A hug says more than words ever could.

Thou shalt be patient with us. Grieving is hard work and takes time.

Thou shalt NOT assume that another child will ever be able to replace this baby.

Thou shalt give us permission to grieve. Don't expect us 'just get over it'.

Thou shalt NOT tell us that the death of our baby is 'all for the best'.

Thou shalt NOT tell us that it was better that we 'didn't have a chance to get attached'. We love our baby and would have given anything to have had just one day with him/her.

...a peak into our Valentine's Day.

....just a small peak into our Valentine's Day. Plus a picture of my new necklace, a memory of my Lilly Bean, and a picture of Clif's tattoo that he got back in amazing artist that I've known since I was in diapers (haha) drew it for him, and tattooed it too!
Oh, and we went to see Dear John and I hated it. I was so disappointed! =( I guess I shouldn't have read the book first...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

amazing love, how can it be?

First off... a big thank you to all of you that sent prayers our way today! They were/are greatly appreciated!!
Being at church today wasn't "great" by any means...but it really wasn't as bad as I thought that it might be. Don't get me was hard, I ended up moving sides of the sanctuary and crying and making a small scene, but it all was fine. We have such a great supportive congregation...they were all concerned about me! But this wasn't my reason for writing tonight...
I just wanted to say that this hallmark holiday has really made me think, especially in these last few hours. We tend to talk about and go on and on about the love from our significant others... well, today I have really just been thinking about the Love between me and my Heavenly Father...and how amazing it is!!! I am so blessed to have found Him, and to have such a wonderful personal relationship with Him.
If it wasn't for His love, I wouldn't be where I am today. And there is no way that I would have made it through losing Lilly without Him in my life. Granted, my relationship was nowhere near where it is now when it all happened...but the main thing is that it IS amazing now. I wouldn't trade this relationship for ANYTHING in the world.
And the thing that gets me about His love is that I am SO undeserving. I mean, how can it be that He would love such a sinner like me??? But He does, and for that I am so thankful. :-)
So, that was it...I hope that you all take a few seconds to really just think about how much God loves you. How He gave His life for us, and How that He is there waiting for us, if only we will run to Him and embrace Him. If you don't have a personal relationship with Him, I urge you, don't wait until it's eternally too late...He loves you, and wants nothing more for you to come to Him. God is so good...all the time.

This is an odd request, and I hope that I don't come across disrespectful or anything.. but please pray for my friend "A" and her family...the friend who asked us to be "Ts" godparents. Her grandmother passed away on Friday night, 2-12-10. She was 91 years old, and lived a wonderful, full life. :-) She was such a blessing to many people, I am so glad that I got the chance to know her. Anyways, the "odd" request is not that I want you to be in prayer for the family, as I know it's tough to lose a loved one... but that somewhere...somehow... there might be even one soul saved through the celebration of the life of this amazingly strong woman. I love you guys, and I am praying continually for you. <3

Thursday, February 11, 2010

emotional overload.

Well, I've been emotional in a way that I've never been before. I'm not walking around crying every moment of the day, and actually... I haven't been crying much at all. I'm not angry, not bitter...just emotional. Sometimes, my heart aches SO much,and my chest gets SO tight that I feel like I am going to explode. I can't breathe...I can't function... I feel as though I can't go on.
I see everyone around me HAPPY...and I'm not happy. I don't want to be happy...well, I do... but I think you might know what I mean. I want to sulk...I want to hate my life, and everyone in it for that matter. But I don't. I just go on... living my life. Not like I wanted to, or planned to...but I live it just the same. I mean, what choice do I have, right??
I don't know how much more of this I can handle. This SUCKS! I hate it...but I have to live with it, and as much as it sounds like maybe I haven't...I HAVE accepted this. I just want the pain to stop.
I have to ask you guys for some more prayers! Sunday is going to be a really rough day, and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. As long as snow is gone, and church is of my friends, who I haven't seen in about three months is going to be at church. The reason I haven't seen this particular friend is because she and I were pregnant at the same time, and she recently had her baby boy. **sigh** I honestly don't know how I am going to make it through this day. Clif and I were going to visit another church, but we haven't been in our own for almost a month because of bad we don't want to go somewhere else. BUT, it's going to kill me seeing all of the people who expected to see MY baby flock over someone Else's. And I know that this sounds HORRIBLE of me, and probably is. And I don't want to take anything away from our friends...they deserve the attention. But my baby is DEAD and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to openly be happy for them, even though on the inside I am TRULY happy for them.
Any suggestions? I really need my church family right now... and I know it's not fair of me to expect them to stay away. It's just that I don't want to be there, but I need to be. Those people have been there for me my whole life... and I need them more than EVER! I don't know how I'm expected to act I guess... but then again ???? I don't know. =( Like I said...way too many emotions rolling around in there...
And in case the friend is reading this, please don't take offense. I don't mean anything by's just like I have told's going to be HARD without my little girl.

~Peace & Love~

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

...I will praise You in this storm.'s been a weird few days. I'm actually a little numb from all the emotions that I've been feeling. ha! Actually, it's been a weird week. But that's okay! I'm still gonna praise Him in my storm!!
I've gotta tell you guys...I've had some bad thoughts. I'm really struggling to keep my attitude in check, really I am! There are just so many things happening with people...people that I know, and even some people that I don't know at all! I see people complaining about what they have...and it takes all I have not to scream at them, because what they are complaining about...that's what I'm living WITHOUT! That's what I want...that's what I have been wanting for three years now, THAT'S WHAT I LOST! So suck it up and deal with the hard times, deal without things that don't THANKFUL for what God has given you, and has let you KEEP! JUST DEAL WITH IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!*sigh* But I just smile and go on with my day. Tell them I'm praying for them, that I hope things get better. I'm really surprised that I haven't bitten my tongue off yet. =) Sorry just had to get that out there in the I feel a little better. haha!
Next thing to talk about I am SUPER excited about. It may sound a little stupid to some, but I honestly don't really care what people think!! And some people might think that it's just my friend having pity on me for losing my daughter, and if that's what people want to think - that's fine. And if they really knew it all, they would know that this question was going to be asked BEFORE my daughter died. So not that I've set the stage...
CLIF AND I ARE GODPARENTS! Yup. My friend "A" had a baby last at the time of the baby's birth things weren't the greatest between her and me. BUT, before Lilly died..."A" and I made amends...and I am so glad that we did!!!
So several weeks ago, "A" posed the question to me...asked if we would be willing to take the responsibility of being "T"s godparents. And after talking and praying, Clif and I happily accepted our roles! So that's my big news as of now... **big smile**
I hope that everyone is having an amazing week, and that you're attitudes towards others are better than mine! :-P God bless you all...


Monday, February 8, 2010

About Desiree ~ Part 2

***I forgot to mention...I'm not a cheater. haha! "D" and I broke up, well...he broke up with me (hehe) before the Summer began. So I was single and up for grabs when VBS rolled around***

So, after VBS, and spending a week of evenings with Clif, I was completely head over heels...or at least as much as a 17 year old could be. I was told by my parents that I wouldn't date Clif. You see, when he first came on the scene he had both ears pierced, tongue pierced, tattoos...not exactly what parents of a 17 year old girl want for their daughter.
=) But after Clif got saved at a Youth meeting towards the end of that summer, things changed for the good. Clif asked my fathers permission to date me...and Dad reluctantly agreed. That was August 2005.
Clif and I dated for one year, our first date was to a hometown baseball game. On August 11th,2006...a few days after our one year anniversary, we went back to the same ball field in celebration of our one year. =) We sat in special seats that his aunt had gotten for us, and during the game...he asked me to marry him, on the score board.
So...we were engaged, and the date was set for June 2nd,2007. =) The following months were filled with all kinds of crazy excitement. Best man....Maid Of & silver, invitations...decorating, finding a place to live...saving money,ect. We couldn't wait.
And it happened...June 2nd 2007, I married my best friend in the world. We became one before and friends.
We lived in a mobile home from June until October, at that time we bought our first house! That's when life started moving fast!! I quit my job (I was working in a daycare) and did a private nanny job for about six months...and two weeks after I finished the nanny job - I was hired at the bank I now work at. Clif was working for a rental company at the was good.
In April of 2008 Clif and I decided that I would go off my birth control pills and try to add to our family :-) We tried from April til October, with no luck. Finally I decided to see a doctor about it. My problem was (sorry guys) there was no ovulation. So, Doctor G put me on Clomid. I was on the Clomid for three months before we conceived our little Bean, later to be called...Lilly Bean =)
Since conceiving our first child, we have had many ups and just as many or more downs. But God has been good to us.
Before Lilly was born still, Clif switched a much better job! And I am finally back at work, after having been out three months. I've been back about a month now, and it's been really good for me. At least I think so. I have my bad days when I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out, but for the most is good. Can't complain... I finally have a paycheck coming in again, and all is taken care of.
The only thing missing, the only thing that wasn't according to OUR plan was losing our sweet Lillian. BUT, that was part of God's plan. And we accept that as part of our life. It hurts know, but God is healing our hearts... and we are learning to live the life we have been handed.
I am trying to conceive again, and even though I'm putting it on my blog, I'm not trying to announce it to the world, but I do want my friends and loved ones to know so that they can pray!...and my body is actually being more cooperative that it has been since my pre-teen years. So we shall see... I head back to see my Doctor G in mid March to be put BACK on Clomid. Please be praying for the preperation of my body, and both mine and Clif's hearts as we embark on our journey of baby making!



About Desiree ~ Part 1

For those of you that don't know me, or may not know me very well... I thought that I'd give you a little background about me...and how I got where I am today.
My parents "S" and "J" were married when they were 18 and 17 years old. A few years into their marriage, my mom gave birth to my oldest brother "Sjr", then in the years to follow came my brother "J" and another sibling none of us would ever meet...a miscarried miracle baby. My mom and dad tried for quite sometime to get pregnant after my three siblings, and prayed without ceasing for nine years until I was concieved *big grin* They had hoped and prayed for a little girl for a long time...and there I was. My mom was 35, and dad 36 when I was born.
------>Fast forward about 5 years. You see, I grew up a "PK" (pastors kid for those of you who don't know. Being a "PK" I was in church every time the door was open. I learned scripture, knew all my Bibles stories backwards and forwards...I was a "good" girl.
One day while home with my mom, I was sitting in the living room thinking about what I had recently heard about Hell. I went to my mom and told her that I didn't want to burn in I said a prayer, repeating the words that she said. And I was "saved".
When I was 16 I met a guy, "D"...who at the time I thought was "the one". It was one of those "perfect" situations. My family knew his, he was a Christian, we had even been in Sunday School together when we were kids. I wouldn't trade the experience for the world...just because he was such a blessing, and being with him brought a lot of people into my life. But it wasn't perfect, not by a long shot. I think we were good for each other though, at least for that time in our lives. The Summer following "D" and I getting together, we went to a Student Prayer Advance, a retreat of sorts.
The second day there, the speaker was giving one of those "Hell fire & Brimstone" type messages, and it hit me in the middle of the message that...HEY, I'm not saved. If I died this very second, I would burn in Hell for eternity. Terrified, I moved from my seat, grabbed a friend that was with me...and barely made it to the back of the tent (that's right...we met in a massive tent with several hundred teenagers) before I fell to my face, sobbing..terrified that I was going to be too late. And THATs the day I asked Jesus to come into my heart and save me, to forgive all of my sins...and to make a place in Heaven for all eternity. 8-6-04, that was the day that Jesus really, truly saved me.
The following June we had a VBS at our church...and a lady who had been there for years decided to help. Her nephew, twenty years old at the time, who had just recently started coming to church offered to help. Hmmm... his name??? Clif Smith. My future hubby. Call my crazy if you will, but I pretty much called it that summer. I knew I was going to marry that guy...I just knew it.

dreading the future!

Ok, it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm not REALLY dreading my least not completely. I had a question that was asked of me this morning at work, that just made me stop and think to myself..."Oh my gosh...this is what I'm going to have to face."
As most of you know, I work in the banking world. As of now, I am a Financial Sales Associate, a.k.a: glorified teller. It's been a great job, I love it! I've been hard at it for almost two years now. Anyways, this morning a lady walked in to get some change. I thought that I recognized her, but wasn't for I didn't make a real personal connection.
After I finished counting her money back to her, she asked how I was doing. Which let me know, hey! She knows who I am. So we chatted for a few minutes, and she was like "oh, you're married now aren't you??" (redflag! she doesn't know I lost a baby!!!) I told her that we'd been married almost three years. She gave her congrats, and then she asked... "Any babies yet?". Wow. How do I respond to that, ya know? I mean...yes, I'm a mom. I had a baby... no, she isn't alive...she is in Heaven. But I DO HAVE CHILDREN!
And then it hit me, when and if the Lord blesses us with another child...I'm going to have to walk around all big and pregnant. ALL OVER AGAIN. And while I can't wait for that time in my life, where I can be pregnant with another child... I am going to have to hear the question: "Awww is this your first?"
I mean, what do you say to a customer that's standing in front of you? Do you tell them, no you don't have kids. Or do you tell them...well, I have a daughter but she's in Heaven? When facing pregnancy again, do I tell people... Yes this is my first, or do I, this is my first passed away.
I don't want to have to face these things, but today it really hit me that I have no choice. I'm going to be faced with hard, emotional questions for the rest of my life. How many children do you have? Is this your oldest?? *sigh* This really really sucks.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

broken heart...

My heart hurts. really hurts. And not just for the normal everyday reasons, not really anyways.
Yes, it hurts because I am continually missing my daughter. But today it hurts even more so than normal. And I'm not entirely sure as to why. I do know that some of my pain and sadness comes from this morning. My dad has pictures on his cell phone from the hospital, pictures of Lilly...and all of us holding her...crying. Well, he mentioned the other day about how he wanted to get them off of his phone in case something were to happen. Ha! My dad isn't the best with computers, so he asked me to take care of it for him. So I had to deal with that this morning. Looking at those pictures as I uploaded them to the computer and such. It was just hard on me... not that I don't love looking at pictures of her - because I do! It was just weird today.
And then there is some hurt that I am not able to voice on my blog, just for personal reasons. But I am really struggling with this area. I don't know what to do or say, or how to fix the situation. I don't know how to voice my opinion without it ending in argument and more hurt. So what do I do? I've been praying, but don't have clear answers yet. Maybe I am thinking too hard? Maybe it isn't that big of a deal? But it is to me!! It means so much to me, and the person on the other end of this situation knows how I feel about the subject,'s almost as if it doesn't matter. As if I am invisible in if I don't really matter.
*sigh* so yeah, my heart is heavy...please pray that this too will pass. That this issue will be resolved...not necessarily to my favor, or his...err theirs...but that it will be God's will that will have the final say.
On the bright side of things, Clif bought me a new car this week. Well, not new...but new to me! It's a 2008 Dodge Avenger. It's beautiful!!! :-) I'll have to post a picture of it when the snow clears...haha it's white..and well, just kinda blends into our driveway.
God bless you all, and I pray that you all have a wonderful weekend...and a great work week.

"Sometimes miracles arrive so tiny that we cannot feel the weight of them - and yet we are still changed, and we are blessed none the less."

Saturday, February 6, 2010

...blessing after blessing.

The other day, I spent a lot of time thinking about all the amazing people that God has sent into our life since we lost Lilly. I can't even begin to list them all to you now...
But I did want to share a few that come to mind. =)

**I don't know if I have mentioned them in previous blogs or not, and to tell the truth...I don't even remember their names. The second day I was in the hospital, there was a middle aged couple that came to visit us. Never met them, never even heard of them. The man was a Pastor. Anyways, they came to be of some encouragement. They came in and told us their story of miscarriages and not knowing if they would ever have children or not. Then as they were telling us these things, they signaled, and their two beautiful daughters came walking into the room to meet us. One of the young girls was down syndrome. And I wish I could express to you how much that little girl meant to me.
She came over to my bed, and gave me a hug...asked my name, told me hers. And then asked if she could pray for me. Her prayer was so sweet and sincere. The little girl may have made some people feel uncomfortable, or "scare" them...but she was a blessing to my heart. After she prayed with me, she asked if she could sing me a song. I believe it was "God is so good".

**The second person, her name is Christa. She works at a christian bookstore that is near us. We went to this particular bookstore a few days after Lilly's funeral. I was in search of some devotional books that would help me through my grieving process.
We weren't having much luck, so Clif went and asked someone for some help.This is when Christa came to help us find some books to help.
She stopped us right there in the middle of our shopping,and asked if she could have our names so that she could put us on her churches prayer list. After she told us that she was sorry about what had happened, and that her heart went out to us...she asked if she could pray for us...right in public, in the middle of the bookstore.
It touched me in a way that she will never know. A complete stranger, wanting to pray for me, and taking the time to pray for me out in the open like that.
So the three of us bowed our heads, and went the His throne...right there in the store. Amazing!!
As we were checking out with the book that Christa had suggested for us, the man checking us out (his name escapes me) saw the book...and he mentioned that he and his wife lost three (?) babies before having their first living child...and that they had been through this particular devotional twice. He told us that he would be praying for us as well.
This certain bookstore isn't a locally owned store, they are actually in several states...I'm not sure how many. So that meant even have this big chain of stores, but to have such amazing individuals working there.

God has sent so many people into our path. He knew that we would need these people to carry us through, and they have.
Though the support system has died down, I know that people are still there for me. Though, sometimes...I wish they'd remind me of that...ya know? Just let me know that they are still there, tell me that it's okay to feel the feelings that I feel. Ask me questions about my baby, talk about her with me.
*sigh* Well, that's all for now...I am just so thankful for the people that God has sent our way. In person, in prayer, in thought...and even over the world wide web. God bless you all.

Friday, February 5, 2010


It's been a rough few days. I don't even know where to begin. Emotions are on an all time HIGH at my house, not with just me...but with my hubby too! I won't go into details there, just for the simple fact that I don't want to air dirty laundry...ha!...but, it's just been a rough day or two for us...and it isn't getting any better.
I'm praying for God to work in our lives. Our lives apart, and together. Our life without our daughter.
Clif and I were talking/sharing/crying last night, and I asked Clif if he remembered the first night in the hospital, after we were alone for the first time...asking him if he was mad at God. I wanted to be mad, not really at God, but I wanted to be mad at SOMEONE! I wanted someone to blame, someone to punish for me not having my little girl with me then. But who?
And even though I know it's not right, I still have those angry feelings that creep up on me every now and again. I'm not mad at HIM, I'm just SO hurt that things didn't work out like they were "supposed to".
In my eyes, I have so many things to be mad about. I could be mad that my friends have their babies and I don't. My friends are taking their children for check ups and I am waiting for her headstone to be installed. Friends have their babies, get to take updated pictures and show them to the world...I have the same ones...for the rest of my life. Friends will watch their children grow, I held mine inside me while she died. Friends are happy, and I'm not.
When will things get better for US? What do WE have to look forward to?? What do I have to look forward to??? Of course, we have our future...but that sometimes doesn't even appeal because Lilly isn't in our future, she is forever stuck in our past. Only her memory goes on from here. I get to take pregnancy test after pregnancy test....again and again...just like before. I get the disappointment all over again, but this time... it's going to be harder...more emotional. It's going to be a feeling of failure every time.
BUT...even though all of those things sound bad (well, they are)...I do have faith. I know that God is in control, and He does have a plan. And how could I be mad at him, bitter with Him?? I can't. I won't. He gave Clif and I the most beautiful baby in the world... He allowed us ten wonderful months with her, even if she was inside of me during that time. can I expect God to bless me in my future if I won't forgive the past? I have forgiven the past. I will never get over it, and I think in many ways I won't move on... but I can learn how to live with this pain...and I have already started learning to do so.
Please pray for Clif and I as we continue our road to recovery...our road to normalcy. And please pray that God may use us and our daughter in a very mighty way, more so than He already has.
There is a reason my baby girl is not curled up in my arms right this minute...but HE is NOT the reason. He didn't take her from me.
I miss her with everything that is within me. And as far as people on earth (of course I have God in Heaven), today is the first day that I have felt completely alone. Even distanced from my husband...and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make things better. Just pray that He will "fix" it all, and all will be well once again.

...I won't go into detail (once again) just cause I don't know who might read this, and I don't want to offend...but, my body is doing what it's supposed to do as far as I can tell. This is the second time it's done according to plan since the c-section. And before I got pregnant, my body hadn't done what it's supposed to for almost three years.
Pray that this may be a good sign for our future...

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

this and that...

so i haven't blogged for a few days... been sick as a dog! Sunday night I didn't sleep a wink, tossing and turning with an upset tummy. My hubby got up Monday morning for work, and within ten minutes of him being awake, he was throwing up. Didn't really think much of it, cuz he has acid reflux.
I went to work, and within an hour I was throwing up. :-( I haven't thrown up for almost three years!!!! How sad to break that ongoing record! that's where I have been.
Clif had to go to the ER actually, he was so dehydrated..and his pulse was in the 130s, and BP was really really low. So the dr at the urgent care told him that he needed to go. So my mommy came to sit with me, and my dad went to the ER with Clif. Still feel like we are little kids. =)
On the brighter side of things, after almost three months, Lilly's headstone is FINALLY in!! *sigh* I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to type those words. I mean, most parents are getting pictures taken, or taking their babies to the doctors...or just talking about every day life with their children, and we're talking about her headstone. A big chunk of rock that marks the day that she was born, and the day she died. The day we never witnessed her breathe, the day we held an "empty" body. I haven't seen it in person, but we had it custom made so it should be beautiful! I"m sure it doesn't do her justice though.
Of course, we have to wait for all of the snow and ice to go away, and for the ground to soften so it can be installed. The owner told us that it would only be 6-8 weeks before it would be in and installed, that was on Nov. 18th...the day after her funeral. And we have still yet to have it done. I honestly think that the man forgot to order it. Which has been really hard for me to swallow, considering he told me that he was going to push to have it in for me by Christmas.'s in. I can't wait to see it. I know she isn't there...I know that she is with her Jesus... but I take comfort in knowing that there is a place for me to go where people recognize my sweet Lilly as a human being. It recognizes that she did exist, that she was our daughter...and that she is gone.
I have my good days, and my bad days...and there have been several bad days lately. It's so hard being around all of my friends who have babies...who have hope and a future for their children, and all we have is a few pictures...and fading memories. God is good, and He is sufficient... it just... it hurts. Especially lately.
We miss you Lilly Bean...forever.

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