Thursday, February 11, 2010

emotional overload.

Well, I've been emotional in a way that I've never been before. I'm not walking around crying every moment of the day, and actually... I haven't been crying much at all. I'm not angry, not bitter...just emotional. Sometimes, my heart aches SO much,and my chest gets SO tight that I feel like I am going to explode. I can't breathe...I can't function... I feel as though I can't go on.
I see everyone around me HAPPY...and I'm not happy. I don't want to be happy...well, I do... but I think you might know what I mean. I want to sulk...I want to hate my life, and everyone in it for that matter. But I don't. I just go on... living my life. Not like I wanted to, or planned to...but I live it just the same. I mean, what choice do I have, right??
I don't know how much more of this I can handle. This SUCKS! I hate it...but I have to live with it, and as much as it sounds like maybe I haven't...I HAVE accepted this. I just want the pain to stop.
I have to ask you guys for some more prayers! Sunday is going to be a really rough day, and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. As long as snow is gone, and church is of my friends, who I haven't seen in about three months is going to be at church. The reason I haven't seen this particular friend is because she and I were pregnant at the same time, and she recently had her baby boy. **sigh** I honestly don't know how I am going to make it through this day. Clif and I were going to visit another church, but we haven't been in our own for almost a month because of bad we don't want to go somewhere else. BUT, it's going to kill me seeing all of the people who expected to see MY baby flock over someone Else's. And I know that this sounds HORRIBLE of me, and probably is. And I don't want to take anything away from our friends...they deserve the attention. But my baby is DEAD and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to openly be happy for them, even though on the inside I am TRULY happy for them.
Any suggestions? I really need my church family right now... and I know it's not fair of me to expect them to stay away. It's just that I don't want to be there, but I need to be. Those people have been there for me my whole life... and I need them more than EVER! I don't know how I'm expected to act I guess... but then again ???? I don't know. =( Like I said...way too many emotions rolling around in there...
And in case the friend is reading this, please don't take offense. I don't mean anything by's just like I have told's going to be HARD without my little girl.

~Peace & Love~


Once A Mother said...

I struggled to get back to church. It was the same place where we had our daughter's funeral, and even now I catch myself staring at the area where her casket was and letting the tears fall. I don't think moments like that will ever stop.

I wanted you to know that I know to some extent what you are going through with your friend. I have felt so much of what you feel.

I shared my pregnancy a friend whose daughter was born about two months before mine. We had already worked out that they would be best friends and had lots and lots of plans for what we would do together with these babies. When mine died, she was there for me in a huge way, I now consider her one of my very best friends.

I realized early on that I just had to face the pain of seeing her daughter head on, because to lose this friend who means so much to me would be a tragedy.

For the first few months we always socialized after hours, when her daughter was already put to sleep. Slowly we saw more and more of her. I cannot lie to you and say that every time I see that little girl I don't think of what should have been. She is a living, breathing example of what life with our daughter could have been like, but she isn't here, and seeing this child or not doesn't change that.

I am lucky that way, that my friend respected my grief enough to know that sometimes it is just hard, sometimes with my tears come smiles. I am currently battling some pretty major infertility and this same friend is about two weeks away from having her second, and when that baby comes it will be hard too, but once again I will just get through it. Your friend must know how hard this is for you and any friend worth keeping will understand if you can only be near the baby a minute, or not at all, or if you leave in tears.

As a mother she must know how it would feel if she didn't have her baby with her and you did.

I think that absolutely every word you wrote, every emotion, is perfectly acceptable. You are not a horrible person. You are grieving. Lilly is beautiful, by the way. I am so, so sorry she is not here with you. Sending you love and prayers for peace in your heart.

Trennia said...

praying for you...
I can honestly tell you even though I have 5 earthly children, and 3 heavenly one's the hurt is still here.I don't think the pain goes away, sure it gets easier,but my angel Emily will be two this year and I still get those feelings of I can't even breathe...I still want to hide. Emily was born 8 days before mother's day in 2008 and I was there that sunday at church when the preacher askes these questions, who is the mother with the most children and that person got a gift, who's the mother that traveled the furtherest to get here today, and that person got a gift, then this was asked and it cut me so bad I felt like I was just gonna die right there, "Who is the mother with the NEWEST BABY?"...of course it was me, but I couldn't baby was dead and I remember the preacher looking my way...he dropped his head and then said, of course Mrs.Hedges has the newest baby in heaven...that sure didn't help...I wanted to run so far away.I am praying for you my friend this is a hard road, but God choose you and I as He did many other's to walk this hard road...Even Mary, the mother of Jesus walked this road we are on...head up my friend even when you are in your lowest of lows look up for that is where your Lily is, up in heaven in our Lord's arms...make her and the Lord proud and push on my friend.

Shannon said...

Hey Desiree.
I'd like to talk to you in person if you have the time. (540) 529-9535

croleyc69 said...

Hey my friend , I'm praying for you so much. The road is hard sometimes but God is always near. Holding you close to my heart.

Arander said...

Hey Des,
I would like to suggest seaking out a Christian couselor who specializes in family counseling, or if you could find someone who sepcializes in helping families who have lost children... it sounds like you have a lot going on inside of you, and someone who has experience with others who have suffered this same pain might be able to help you find some coping mechanisms.

I love you and I wish you a very blessed day.

Jub's Mommy said...

You have to do whats best for you. If that means going somewhere else this sunday, your church family will understand.
Do what will make you feel the best that you can.

I'm so sorry you have to see your friend and her baby. I try to stay away from my friends babies too.
It's so unfair.
We should get to be mommies too, and show off our babies.

Your daughter is beautiful.

klarsen said...

Sweet, sweet Desiree,

I know very well how you feel. I was due on 2/18 and my brothers wife on 2/13, today. Well she's had her son on Wednesday and we all know I lost my daughter. My brother keeps texting me pictures of his new son. My dad tells me he emailed them to all his friends. I want to be truly happy for them, I am happy for them. I am just sad for myself. I will be praying for you as always.

Lots and lots of love,

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