Monday, February 8, 2010

dreading the future!

Ok, it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm not REALLY dreading my least not completely. I had a question that was asked of me this morning at work, that just made me stop and think to myself..."Oh my gosh...this is what I'm going to have to face."
As most of you know, I work in the banking world. As of now, I am a Financial Sales Associate, a.k.a: glorified teller. It's been a great job, I love it! I've been hard at it for almost two years now. Anyways, this morning a lady walked in to get some change. I thought that I recognized her, but wasn't for I didn't make a real personal connection.
After I finished counting her money back to her, she asked how I was doing. Which let me know, hey! She knows who I am. So we chatted for a few minutes, and she was like "oh, you're married now aren't you??" (redflag! she doesn't know I lost a baby!!!) I told her that we'd been married almost three years. She gave her congrats, and then she asked... "Any babies yet?". Wow. How do I respond to that, ya know? I mean...yes, I'm a mom. I had a baby... no, she isn't alive...she is in Heaven. But I DO HAVE CHILDREN!
And then it hit me, when and if the Lord blesses us with another child...I'm going to have to walk around all big and pregnant. ALL OVER AGAIN. And while I can't wait for that time in my life, where I can be pregnant with another child... I am going to have to hear the question: "Awww is this your first?"
I mean, what do you say to a customer that's standing in front of you? Do you tell them, no you don't have kids. Or do you tell them...well, I have a daughter but she's in Heaven? When facing pregnancy again, do I tell people... Yes this is my first, or do I, this is my first passed away.
I don't want to have to face these things, but today it really hit me that I have no choice. I'm going to be faced with hard, emotional questions for the rest of my life. How many children do you have? Is this your oldest?? *sigh* This really really sucks.


Suzie said...

Just tell them this is your second... That is what I am doing. Sometimes they press on with, "How old is your first?" Sometimes they don't.

You are her mother, she is your daughter. From the moment you conceived her, and forever on. Whether she is here with you on Earth or watching over you from Heaven.

You are allowed to be proud to be her mommy. You are allowed to talk about her, just like you would if she were still here. I have been told by people I work with, that if they didn't know that my son had passed, they would think he was still here. I talk about his birth, about his amazing 2 days he was here with us. And I can finally talk about it all without breaking down.

Everything takes time. The beginning is so very difficult. You experience so many different emotions. And often they are hard to put into words. They are always hard to express. And it feels like you will never find anyone who understands what you are feeling or going through.

Everything you are experiencing is normal. Perhaps not to most people, but it is our normal. Be gentle with yourself dear.

I am here for you. **hugs**

Trennia said...

I understand the questions...when I miscarried twins I was asked, how many do you have? Which I told them about my living plus the twins,then How did you miscarry them? Ummm I just miscarried that's ho it happened I didn't do anything! Then I think the worst was when I loss Emily...our entire church she had died...and a lady came up behind me and was like, I heard your daughter died,you know the new one! I was like yes I do upsetted me so bad then she went on to say, well you can have more! Oh boy I was pissed then because the baby i wanted was dead! and NO I could not have my friend the answer to these types of questions will appear yes, but when they do I take pride in saying I have 8 children, five are here and three are in heaven and if they ask I tell them what happened.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

It is so hard to know what to say. I have said different things in different circumstances. Even so many years later, I still don't always have the right words.

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

:-) thanks for the sweet comments girls!!!

Holly said...

Those questions can really stun you when you're not prepared for them. You just answer with how you are comfortable answering. Some days you may say one thing and other days you may say another. I guess it all depends on how you are feeling at that moment. I have made the decision myself to always include her.

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