Wednesday, February 24, 2010

a "blah" kind of day...

As you can tell from the title, I am just "blah" today. Don't really have a reason, just bleh! I am really out of it, not really depressed...not really much of anything.
I am sad though. It's rough seeing and hearing about other people's children. Growing up, little cutzie things they may do... stuff like that. It's SO hard sometimes I just can't stand it. I don't want to be jealous, but at times jealousy takes over before I know what's happening. Does that happen to anyone else?? Is it normal to feel these feelings?
I mean, as other people are watching their children move on in their lives (whether they be a baby or older...) I know that I'll always wonder what Lilly could have been. What she might have done. She will forever be locked in my memory as a newborn baby. That's it. No toddler, no school pictures, senior pictures. Just baby pictures, at the hospital... looking as if she were peacefully sleeping.
I want her so much today, more than usual...I had so many plans. Pictures once a month til she turned one, family pictures... I even had a Christmas present planned for my mom this past year that included Lilly Bean. But all those dreams for her are now nightmares. My little girl is gone. Will it ever stop hurting?? I already know the answer to that It will not. It may get easier to face the day, but it will never stop hurting.
What if God decides that it's not meant for Clif and I to have another little one? I don't know yet... I don't know how I would handle that. I would say that I don't think that's part of His plan, but how do I know?? Who am I to say??
I guess I'm scared. That's a good way of putting it. I want to be a mommy SO bad, well... I want to be a mommy to a baby here on earth. And I'm so scared that I won't be able to have another baby. I am placing this fear in God's hands... but I need to be continually reminded that He is in control of my life. Forever. And no matter what happens, He still loves me.
There is always adoption... but I just, that's not what I want. Not that I wouldn't love to make a home for some sweet child somewhere in the world. BUT, I want my own. It's just not the same. Or at least, it's not the same to me now. If that's what God had in store for my life, I am sure that my opinion on that would change.
So that's it really...I'm scared, I'm hurting, I'm trying not to be jealous...and I want a baby. I want Lilly. I guess you could say that right now, to the world, I am a very organized mess.


Kathi said...

I am also jealous of all the memories I will never get to make with my girls, yet everyone around me gets to make with theirs. All last year I could only think of them as tiny little babies, but since their birthday Ive been thinking of Charlotte and Marianne making all their 1 year old milestones - I supose they will grow and develop in my mind as they would have gottten older.
I hope you get to mother other children one day too.

Shannon said...

Praying for you during this hard time.

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

thanks to you both!

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