Friday, February 5, 2010

...overwhelmed.

It's been a rough few days. I don't even know where to begin. Emotions are on an all time HIGH at my house, not with just me...but with my hubby too! I won't go into details there, just for the simple fact that I don't want to air dirty laundry...ha!...but, it's just been a rough day or two for us...and it isn't getting any better.
I'm praying for God to work in our lives. Our lives apart, and together. Our life without our daughter.
Clif and I were talking/sharing/crying last night, and I asked Clif if he remembered the first night in the hospital, after we were alone for the first time...asking him if he was mad at God. I wanted to be mad, not really at God, but I wanted to be mad at SOMEONE! I wanted someone to blame, someone to punish for me not having my little girl with me then. But who?
And even though I know it's not right, I still have those angry feelings that creep up on me every now and again. I'm not mad at HIM, I'm just SO hurt that things didn't work out like they were "supposed to".
In my eyes, I have so many things to be mad about. I could be mad that my friends have their babies and I don't. My friends are taking their children for check ups and I am waiting for her headstone to be installed. Friends have their babies, get to take updated pictures and show them to the world...I have the same ones...for the rest of my life. Friends will watch their children grow, I held mine inside me while she died. Friends are happy, and I'm not.
When will things get better for US? What do WE have to look forward to?? What do I have to look forward to??? Of course, we have our future...but that sometimes doesn't even appeal because Lilly isn't in our future, she is forever stuck in our past. Only her memory goes on from here. I get to take pregnancy test after pregnancy test....again and again...just like before. I get the disappointment all over again, but this time... it's going to be harder...more emotional. It's going to be a feeling of failure every time.
BUT...even though all of those things sound bad (well, they are)...I do have faith. I know that God is in control, and He does have a plan. And how could I be mad at him, bitter with Him?? I can't. I won't. He gave Clif and I the most beautiful baby in the world... He allowed us ten wonderful months with her, even if she was inside of me during that time.
HOW...how can I expect God to bless me in my future if I won't forgive the past? I have forgiven the past. I will never get over it, and I think in many ways I won't move on... but I can learn how to live with this pain...and I have already started learning to do so.
Please pray for Clif and I as we continue our road to recovery...our road to normalcy. And please pray that God may use us and our daughter in a very mighty way, more so than He already has.
There is a reason my baby girl is not curled up in my arms right this minute...but HE is NOT the reason. He didn't take her from me.
I miss her with everything that is within me. And as far as people on earth (of course I have God in Heaven), today is the first day that I have felt completely alone. Even distanced from my husband...and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make things better. Just pray that He will "fix" it all, and all will be well once again.


**BODY UPDATE**
...I won't go into detail (once again) just cause I don't know who might read this, and I don't want to offend...but, my body is doing what it's supposed to do as far as I can tell. This is the second time it's done according to plan since the c-section. And before I got pregnant, my body hadn't done what it's supposed to for almost three years.
Pray that this may be a good sign for our future...

6 comments:

Suzie said...

Oh sweetie, grief takes time. But the trick is, no one knows just how long. One thing you both need to make sure doesn't happen, is placing blame on either one of you. I did that to my hubby, and it made for a rough couple of weeks. But it was more me wanting him to express his feelings which he does not do too much. I wanted him to be able to talk about our son like me, but he wasn't there yet. Each one of us grieves differently.

Just be patient with each other. Healing will come naturally.

Praying for you both. **hugs**

Trennia said...

I totally understand..you want to be mad at someone and you don't know who...you want to know why and I guess it's not for us to know...it is sad.Praying for you...as I am too having a hard day.

Em said...

I am so so sorry. I have no advice, just hugs.

I'm glad your body is doing what it should. That's good news!

croleyc69 said...

Praying for you both always.
Caroline

LovinT said...

Desi.... I know in sooo many ways its not enough... but I am always here for you...behind you .... praying for you.... Meanwhile PRAISE GOD that your body is... doin the "female thing" :-D

Holly said...

There will be those days when it is rough and God will get you through it.

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