a little more...

Okay. I have a bunch of jumbled up thoughts that are going to spew out...so, bare with me.

First and foremost, I want to ask you guys to pray for someone that Clif used to work with at the rental company.

His name is Tony. I'm not sure how old he is - if I had to guess I would say late 40s possibly early 50s. We got a phone call from Clif's old boss this morning at 6:30 - telling Clif that Tony was in the hospital. He had a stroke yesterday.

Please understand that my husband hates hospitals. He always has a really hard time visiting anyone while they are there. I am really surprised he "handled" being at the hospital with me for three days last November. The entire time we have been together, anytime someone is in the hospital - he will do anything in his power NOT to go see them.

*sigh*

As soon as Clif got off the phone he told me that he was going to visit Tony in the hospital. On top of Tony having a stroke, his mother has been in the same hospital for WEEKS. She has had like a total of 24 strokes since she went into the hospital.

Please be in prayer for these dear people. And not only for their physical well being, but their spiritual as well.

Clif came to see me at work today - and when I asked how Tony was doing, he said not very well. He doesn't seem to be paralyzed, but he can't speak. :(

Stroke victims are real close to my heart. My grandfather (that I was closest to) was confined to a hospital for a year because of a massive stroke. After the stroke, he could not move his left side - and could not speak.

*sigh* Well, I said that I had a lot to talk about. But really that's what's weighing on my heart right now. Thanks for your prayers. More to come later...

please pray.

Please say a prayer. I don’t know who the family is. I don’t even know their names. I don’t know any details of what happened. I just…know their pain.


There is a family that Clif and I heard of yesterday that lost their little boy. Their one year old son died. I believe it was unexpectedly.


Let me just say… never type in “infant” for a search in your local newspapers obituaries. It’s right down depressing. Seriously. Not only the obituaries for babies… but people who died who were proceeded in death by an infant child, or sibling. It’s crazy. Breaks my heart.


And makes me think too. So many people take their healthy children for granted. They think since they carried them for nine months (give or take) that they have made it! Nothing can happen now. So wrong.


Unborn babies die, new born babies die, children die…there is no age on death.


Please pray for this family.


Also – though it’s not nearly as important, please say a prayer for me. It’s been a rough week (or so). And now I’m not feeling the greatest. I have had a headache all day long, my stomach is upset…I just…don’t feel good.

Tears.

There were a lot over the weekend. Tears that is. Tears of happiness for others. Tears of hurt. Tears of confusion and pain. Tears of guilt. Tears of anticipation. Tears of hope.

Yes...a lot of tears, all different kinds. I spent a lot of time thinking and praying this weekend. Along with several hours of just laying in bed and crying. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.

I know I can't keep that kind of behavior up. It's not fair to myself, my husband, or those around me that may be effected by the way I act. I don't think I'm over it... but I do feel a little better. Maybe getting it all out was a good thing?

I'm...broken. And I'm waiting for Him to come and pick up the pieces.

I'll leave you a quote from our church bulletin.

When you're down to nothing...God is up to something. Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible.

I'm going to have faith.

I am looking forward to what (to me) seems impossible.

Steps.

Deuteronomy 29:29

The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.

What God has planned for your life cannot be revealed all at once because it would be too much to take on and you risk losing your focus on God. Instead, God reveals our victory in increments according to each step of faith we take with Him. What He has already given you, keep is close to your heart so that you can always remember how wonderful it feels when a dream becomes a reality.

blast from my past.

Does anyone remember this show?? :) It's been off the air for how long? YEARS...I'm sure. But I loved it. Watching it again last night, I realized how cheesy the show really is. And how drama packed too. (I hate drama...hence my new drama free life).

Anyway...I don't know what made me think of this show last week...but I was like, I want to get the last couple of seasons and re-watch them. So I got the first disk from Netflix last night. Exciting.

Ha! I watched all six episodes. Now I'm ready for the next disk.

missing her.

I've been struggling lately - drowning in a sense.

Having another baby consumes my *almost* every thought.

It's something that I want desperately.

Whether it be biologically, or adopting... I just want a baby.

I constantly have to stop and remind myself that it will happen in God's perfect timing. I know it will. I just hurt... I ache...and I want.

Oh, and I miss her...more with each passing day.

spreading the word, and excited about it.

I'm so excited.

The other day, I was thinking about "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope", and how I could possibly help promote the web site.

Since the launch of "Faces" - I have been so encouraged. Reading all the stories of mothers like myself - woman who have gone through unimaginable loss. And yet, even though these words have been an encouragement to me...they break my heart at the same time. It breaks my heart that all these women have experienced great loss, such as myself...and my husband.

So anyways... I posted the link to faces on a couple of news sites around my area. And then yesterday it dawned on me...why not email our local Christian radio station to see if they can help get the word out. So I went on their website (www.spiritfm.com) and found contact information, and emailed them.

I told them our story - about losing Lilly. And then how after she died, I found a wonderful community of women. And then how the "Faces" website was launched. :) I asked them if there was anyway that they could advertise the website - and she said that she would send it to their promotions department and see if there is anything they can do.

I can't tell you how excited I was to at least get that far...excited about spreading the word about Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infant Loss.

you're only as old as you feel...

Today...for some odd unknown reason - I feel old. Very old.

Well, my heart feels old.

I don't like this feeling.

re: the shack

The Shack.

What an amazing book! I know that there has been much controversy over this book, at least in the Christian world.

I'll admit...at first I thought that the book was weird. In fact, I still see it as odd. But it was one of those books that you couldn't put down. It was a rather "deep" book - one that you really had to pay attention to and concentrate while reading.

At first, I was a bit bothered by the way God, well actually, the Trinity was depicted in the book. God was a big black woman that was called "Papa", Jesus is a middle aged Hebrew man, and the Holy Spirit is an Asian woman named Sarayu.

But the more I read, the more I liked the book.

It put a whole new spin on grief for me.

:) I don't want to give too much away - but if you haven't read it, I'd give it a chance. It's different but I think it's definitely worth a read.

copy cat. **warning: this may be a bit childish**

A year (or so) ago...I was talking with my mom. More like, complaining to my mom.

I was expressing my frustration about being "copied". Okay, I know... I sound like I'm five. Oh well.

We were talking about things that I specifically put into place for mine and Clif's wedding day. Special things just for us. That were copied. Random things in my life...that were copied. Things in my pregnancy, shadowed almost exactly...aka: copied.

I was getting sick (and tired) of this...so I was confiding in Mom. She told me that I should feel "honored" that ___ was striving to be like me. I told her, I don't want this person to be like me...I don't want anyone to be like me. I want to be my own person!!!

And I do.

I strive at being my own person. I don't want to be like anyone else, and I certainly don't want anyone going out of their way to make themselves identical to me. I'm sure you can be your own self...just dig a little deeper, and I'm sure that there is a great personality waiting to come out and show itself.

I came across something else that was being "copied" recently. Something dear to my heart. Something to do with my Lilly Bean. It really bothered me....still does, kinda.

For once in my life, I just want one thing. Can't I have this one?? Can't I just win one thing??

If there was one thing that I could ask for (other than my baby girl being back here with me), it would be that I could go back to the "one of a kind" girl I was 5 1/2 years ago. :)

family.

Today I went to a family reunion. I had to go without my husband, because of his conflicting work schedule.

I really thought it would be okay, being by myself I mean. My parents were there, my brother,niece, nephew...cousins, aunts & uncles. But it was a lot harder than I had anticipated.

When we walked up, I saw a familiar face...one that I hadn't seen in two years. My uncle Rufus. He's my grandpa's only living brother. My grandpa has been gone for nine years. Since his funeral, I kind of took to my uncle Rufus. He looks so much like my pawpa. I love both of those men very much.

I went to my uncle, expecting him not to know who I was. You see, he'll be 94 years old in November. But as soon as I made eye contact, he knew me. Without a doubt. It made me feel good on the inside. And it also made me sad.

Uncle Rufus loved Clif when he met him. He even managed to come to our wedding (Pretty sure he drove himself) three years ago. Every time we went to see him after we were married, he would always look at my stomach and say, "no bump yet?". I was terrified that he'd ask. How could I have told him? I had decided that I wouldn't tell him...that I'd play it off. But how could I do that and dishonor my baby girl?? Thank God he didn't ask. :)

Whew.

I avoided talking to too many people. You see, last year Clif and I went together...with Lilly (very apparent) in my tummy. I didn't want people to ask. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me - though I know that a lot of them already knew.

There was a moment that I thought that I would lose it. The relative who heads the reunion up every year was talking. He was asking if there were any newly weds, any active military men/women... and then he asked if there were any new babies this year. My heart was in my throat. He didn't ask if there were any deaths...people tend to block out the sad stuff.

People are so oblivious to my pain. Oblivious to the pain of all babyloss mama & daddy's. And I'm glad. I don't want anyone to know this pain.


And on top of all of that, and having to face it "alone"... AF decided to pay me a visit. And let's just say...she's letting it be known that she's here. I actually stayed home from church tonight. Very unlike me. *sigh* I am really dreading work tomorrow.

Today just hurt.

conviction?

Conviction

• an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence.
• a fixed or firm belief.

Conviction is a product of the relationship with God. It is not something that suddenly inspires a person to stand up for God; rather, conviction is the product-the fruit- of a relationship. Conviction, then, is not something we have in a flash but a quality that builds through the experiences we have with God, in making Him the center of our lives.
Why are we convicted? Because we really come to know Him. Our perception of God's nature, our discernment of right and wrong, our vision of His purpose - all of these elements feed into strengthening convictions that will prove what we are in the day of trial. We are concerned with the growth of these elements,  and their growth depends upon our day to day faithfulness in the little things of life.
(borrowed from: http://www.bibletools.org/)

**Conviction comes in all shapes and sizes. My convictions may not be those of any others. My convictions may not even be shared with my own husband.

I feel that in today's day and time we can come up with some piece of scripture (though it may be twisted completely out of context) to make it "okay" to do whatever we want. Just so we don't feel guilty about it in the end...

Convictions may include (but are not limited to ha!): alcohol consumption, drug use (or abuse), tobacco use (yup...getting all the "touchy" ones out first), body piercings, tattoos, clothing, hair styles/colors, choice in music, tv shows, movies, internet, books, choice language/vocabulary...and SO much more.

I have my own personal convictions. I feel that if I went against my own convictions that I would be placing a "wall" between God and myself. Definitely not saying that I'm perfect... we all sometimes slip and fall. :)

I firmly believe in taking responsibility for what I/you do or do not do. If I choose to go against my conviction - then it's completely on my own shoulders. No one else has to answer for my actions...it's all me.

I spent the evening with some of my very best friends. While there - we started talking about convictions of sort. Well, kind of. We were more focused on trying to justify the things that we feel convicted of.

If I choose to do something that I feel wrong doing, I shouldn't seek justification in doing that thing. I'm not going to go searching for someone (or a place) that says, "hey, it's okay if you smoke pot!" or "it's okay if you get drunk, just as long as you don't drive afterwards!" or "it's fine if you listen to that kind of music, as long as you don't take the words and meaning behind them to heart". I don't need acceptance for the things I chose to do.

I think that's what's wrong with a lot of "Christians" today. They have these convictions - they really don't feel what they are doing is right...so they seek out friends,family, church families, people in general who say it's okay. As if their permission dismisses our gut feelings. I think I'll start referring to these as "feel good" groups. I mean, it's okay to do things you've always stood against, as long as you have others standing beside you doing the same thing... and as long as you feel good about it, right??

Sad thing is...people are subjecting their innocent children to these things. *sigh* It breaks my heart.

Whew...okay - sorry about that randomness. It's just something that I really needed to get off of my chest. :) I wrote this post in my head on my way home from Aleisha & Joe's.

winds of change.

Today I discovered something. Well... I ran into an old discovery.

I don't do well with change.

I mean, I do... but I don't. Does that make sense??

Can't really go into much detail - but there is a lot of change in the near future, and I can't say that I'm too excited about it. :(

*sigh*

I believe.

I've been thinking. Scary, I know.

I've been thinking about a blog post that I read yesterday, on a fellow bloggers page. Her name is Lori, and she's such an encouragement to me. A wonderful woman of God. You can find her blog : : here : :

Lori's post got me to thinking. About (double)  blessings from God.

Sometimes I think that I view Lilly's death as a loss. Which, I mean...in all reality it was a loss. But I did have nine months with her. After four months of trying, Clif and I conceived a child. She is a blessing. Yes she died, yes we grieve every day... but she was (and still is) a beautiful gift from God.

And I also think that a lot of times the way I come across, that I think that God owes a double blessing to us. I mean, after all we've been through...I should get a re-do, right??

God doesn't owe me anything. Us anything. He doesn't owe us another child. He doesn't owe us explanation of why our first born is not here on earth with us. He doesn't owe us anything.

This is a bit of a different spin on what Lori was talking about... but it's just how it hit me.

I feel that sometimes when I write here, that I may come across the wrong way. I don't want you (my readers) to think that I blame God, that I expect things from God....

However, even though I know God doesn't owe me... I believe with all of my heart that there is something around the corner for Clif and me. I believe that God will bless us...in His own time, in a very special...unique way. I know that God does not intend to hurt/harm us...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....

I believe.

The Shack

So I'm reading the book "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Has anyone read it?? It's very interesting. I'm about halfway through. I think I'll post more after I finish. :)

growing tired of the rain.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who

gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are...no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried ,You hold in your hand

You never left my side...and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

~Casting Crowns~

I think it's okay to admit to you all that I'm having a really hard time praising Him in my storm.

The morning that Lilly died, I didn't think I could go on. I didn't want to go on. I literally wanted to lay down and die. I wondered how in the world God could allow something so horrible to happen in my life.

But then later that day I found peace. Peace from God. I knew that though my daughter was gone, that God would never do anything to harm me. He had a plan.

I didn't blame Him for my daughters death, but I rejoiced in Him. Praising Him for the nine months full of happiness that I had with my precious little girl.

That was hard.

As time has passed... life has been getting a little easier. Little being stressed.

And then there has been this week. These last few weeks. It's been hard. It's been tiresome. It's been emotional. And just plain suckie.

Ten months hit me hard. Really hard. As I said in an earlier post, it's official... she has been gone longer than she was here. That fact is very hard for me to wrap my mind around.

Little babies aren't supposed to die. They should symbolize life and happiness.

The number of pregnant women (that I know) seems to multiply by the day. I honestly don't know how much I can handle. I love these ladies, and I wish them nothing but the best...but it's hard. I find myself wanting to scream that it's not fair. Why do they all have what I so desperately want?

On November 13th,2009 I know that God had a plan. And on September 14th,2010... I know and believe that He STILL has a plan. It's just extremely difficult to understand right now. While I'm hurting - while my grief is still so fresh to me. I have to accept that my plans and my wants are not always what God has planned for me.

I honestly believe that God has a plan for children in our future. Whether it be by my womb or someone else's - I believe that there is a future for our family. I have to believe that. I've got to hold on to something...and move on.

I miss her more than I ever thought humanly possible.

Today...my heart is broken all over again.

ten months.

Dear Lillian Joy,

 It's been ten months since I heard the words "no hear beat". Ten months since our world came crashing down around us. Ten months since we saw your face for the first time. Ten months since we said "hello" and "goodbye" in the same breath.
 Ten months ago (today) my heart was full of emotion. Hate, anger, confusion, hurt, loss, sad, peace, acceptance and love. Though I was completely and utterly heartbroken, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew that even though we were crushed and confused, that God has (and still has) a perfect plan for our lives.
 You were/are a big part of that plan. I know it. How could you not be? You brought Daddy and I closer together than I ever thought possible. You helped heal our broken family. You had a hand in healing broken families.
 I've never known such a little girl have such a HUGE impact on lives all around the world. You truly are an amazing person. I can only hope that one day I will have touched as many lives as you.
 It's official. As of today, you have been gone longer than you were here. I'm having a really hard time accepting and dealing with that.
 People probably think I'm crazy - but sometimes I still feel you. It's weird being ten months post partum, yet still having phantom kicks. Still waking up some days and thinking you're still here with me.
 I long for you. I ache for you. I miss you. But most of all I love you.


Happy ten months in Heaven, Baby Girl.


Mommy and Daddy love you more than anyone could ever imagine...


Love,
Mommy

a half empty kind of day.

Sometimes I become so completely overwhelmed by my life that I can't breath..
I don't want to breath. I don't want to move, I don't want to be here...

Today I feel bad. Really bad. Worse than I have in quite a while.

It's grandparents day today. My parents, and Clif's mom are without their granddaughter. The granddaughter that we all expected to be here. She's gone. She's not here.

This has hit me... hard.

I hate feeling like this...feeling sorry for myself. But sometimes I just can't help it. It's the way it is.

Facebook wasn't a good place for me to be today. Though I don't blame them for doing it (because I would do it too), it seems like everyone is talking about and/or posting pictures about their existing children, or their children on the way.

I hope that this doesn't strike any of you the wrong way (because I truly don't mean to hurt ANYONE'S feelings) but... if I see another pregnant belly I think that I will puke. Literally.

Yesterday I went to a local arts & craft show with my mom and niece. Every where I turned there were pregnant people. I felt like I was suffocating... drowning...something.

Last year we went to the same arts & craft show. I was pregnant. I was the one that was oblivious to life. Ya know what I bought there? A sign... purple & pink, with butterflies...know what it says?? "Lilly's Room". It still hangs on her bedroom door.

...The bedroom that I still haven't cleaned out - still haven't packed up. How can I put those things away??

I ache to use those things...the clothes, the crib, the rocker, the hundreds of diapers...yet I am left with nothing.

Today I feel... empty.

indulge.

:) Just a short little happy post saying that after nine LONG months...


I ENJOYED A STARBUCKS GRANDE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!!


Ah...I feel better.

Nine months ago I swore off caffeine. For health purposes (addicted doesn't even BEGIN to describe caffeine and the old me), and for baby making purposes.

So today I decided to treat myself. And it was good. Really good.

the bottom line...

Even though the OPK said that I ovulated. I didn't.

Which means the bottom line is... I'm not pregnant.

Another wasted pregnancy test, a few more wasted dollars... and another month of results that I don't want.

I've been really busy. Really. And  that's why I say that I haven't been writing. Which I truly believe that it's almost the whole truth. Almost.

I guess another reason I haven't been writing is - I am bummed. I mean, here I am... 22 years old. Happily married. We both have good jobs. We have a house. We have two cars. We've got two extra rooms in our house. Yet it's just us...we are a family of three, but only two remain. (Here on earth anyways).

And ya know, since I haven't been posting the last several days... I haven't really had to think about things. It's easier to ignore them if I'm not constantly talking about them. Hmm. Not really sure if that's better or worse for me.

Oh well.

I started taking Provera (round 5) today. Wow. This is our fifth month of really trying to conceive again. At least, trying with medical help.

I'll wait for my cycle to start - and then I plan to use Evening Primrose Oil & Natural Progesterone Cream. Anyone heard of the brand Kal? It was suggested by a lady in my church. I went to Natures Outlet to look for it, and they didn't have it in stock. And there are like a dozen different types.

*sigh*

Well that's just a little update of what's going on with me. Another day, another heartbreak... another day of looking forward.

i'm not dead.

:) Just busy. New post coming soon. Hope all are well.

His Excellent Greatness.

Psalm 105:1

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.

**Celebrating good news alone doesn't seem to satisfy you as much as sharing it with others. When something awesome has happened to you, share it with others so that they may rejoice with you. Together, you'll both be able to tell of His excellent greatness!**

These little inspirations come from Rev. O's blog. He can be found  ::here:: It's amazing how so many of his inspirations are exactly what I need for the day. I guess God's good like that. No, actually I know God is good like that.

I have faith & hope that after (and maybe before?) this surgery, God will grant us with the desire of our hearts. A second child. A baby to love.

Grazei!Merci!Gracias!ThankYou!

I just wanted to take a second and thank each and every one of you for praying for me.

Chill bumps pop up all over my body when I think about all the people that love,care, and pray for Clif and me. There are people all over the US...all over the world. We have friends and loved ones in so many different places.

I feel so blessed to have so many family members, friends, and blogger friends who are willing to pray for me.

So thank you. You all have a part in everything that is happening...and everything that will happen in the future.

Thank you so much for being my little prayer warriors.

Love to you all!!

Ok Anthem, maybe I like you...a little.

Praise the Lord! I received a phone call from my nurse "C" this afternoon to let me know that my insurance has approved the surgery. :)

I go in November 1st for pre op at Dr S office, and then I have to go somewhere for them to do my blood work, to meet with the anesthesiologist and a few other things. Surgery is scheduled for November 2nd at 12:00. Clif and I have to be at the hospital at 10am.

I cannot even begin to tell you how relived I am. When she said that they had approved it, I wanted to cry. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, my heart.

What an amazing blessing God has given to Clif and I today.

I'm sure that after the surgery the bills will roll in - but for now, we're happy.

Thank you God...

Waiting & Hopeful

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

*****

Sometimes it's hard to wait. Actually, most times it's hard to wait. Especially when you are waiting on something that you so desperately want. And in this case, I think not only do I want it. I need it. The more and more I read about PCOS, I realize that I just can't go on living with it and not be treated. It could cause serious problems.

I think the biggest issue for me is weight. I've lost a few ounces shy of 50 pounds since November of last year. Which is huge. I mean - fifty pounds in less than a year?? That's impressive if I do say so myself. But I need to lose more. About 30 pounds. I was over weight when I got pregnant with Lilly. Which now looking back, I gained a lot of weight when I went off birth control. Which means I wasn't having cycles...more than likely due to the PCOS. All the puzzle pieces are finally coming together.

I've lost and maintained two pounds this week. I know that it doesn't sound like much...but it's big for me. I read that even losing ten pounds can help with PCOS and even sometimes triggers ovulation.

And ya know, with all of these crazy things happening to my body here lately... I have started to realize how complex the human body really is. It's absolutely amazing how God created us.

I only wish my body did what it should be doing...instead of causing me so much grief...

I'm gonna keep runnin', try not to worry, and concentrate on NOT fainting.

Isaiah 40:31


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Sometimes, we have to hurry up and wait for God to reveal His greatness! In time, the strength you thought you lost will be restored if you don't give up on your goal beforehand. In fact, your goal will become easier to obtain when you realize that if you don't finish it, it will only continue to bother you. Today, don't faint, stay strong!

**********************

**Well, a little update on the insurance issue at hand. I've got nothing. HA! I never heard anything yesterday. I called around 9:00 this morning to leave the nurse a voicemail - and she answered. I asked her if she had heard anything, and she was like... "Well, I had to send off to booking for the hospital yesterday - and got that back yesterday afternoon. So this morning I sent everything to insurance - so I should be able to let you know something by this afternoon." I'm pretty much worried sick. I know that even with the insurance covering the surgery that I'll have to shell out thousands of dollars in the long run. We're prepared for whatever we might face - if only we could get this surgery approved!

I think I'm going to ask the nurse (if the insurance approves the surgery) if Dr S will call me some provera in, so I can take it and have regular periods while I'm waiting for surgery. If he'll do that - I am going to give this natural progesterone cream a shot. I keep hearing good things about it. It's worth a try, right?

Please continue to pray for Clif and I as we wait to hear back from the doctors office. Pray that the Lord will prepare our hearts for whatever may happen.