Rest In Peace Uncle Rufus

Meet Uncle Rufus. One of the sweetest men you'd ever meet in your life. I didn't really "know" my uncle until his last living brother, my grandfather, passed away in March of 2001.

I was drawn to him...I guess because he reminded me SO much of my Papaw. I remember him staying what seemed like forever the day of my Papaw's funeral. I remember how he was there for us...especially my Granny.

Over the years - especially after Granny died in June 2002 - I kind of adopted Uncle Rufus as a grandfather of sorts. I grew attached to him very quickly.

This picture was taken at his surprise 90th birthday party - which his family/church threw for him. What a happy day. Clif and I are undecided... but are fairly certain this picture was taken 6-7 years ago. Time flies.

This morning, not long after I arrived at work... I received a text message letting me know that my Sweet Uncle Rufus passed away this morning.

We all knew it was coming... after all, he was just a few years short of 100 years old! He'd been doing pretty rough for a while, and took a turn for the worse a few weeks back. We pretty much knew it was just a matter of time...yet...it was such a surprise to me.

Uncle Rufus had been in Florida with his son for quite some time. I hadn't seen him for 2+ years. Though time and distance separated us...I will miss this sweet sweet man so much. I'm so blessed to have known and loved this precious man.

Rest in peace Uncle Rufus...

Until we meet again.

{not so} dysfunctional

...so the other day I heard some words that I'd never heard before. In fact, I never thought I would hear them.

"Your ovaries are perfect. No cysts. Everything looks perfectly healthy."

Um...excuse me Dr.G, could you repeat yourself?

Yeah. Needless to say - I was super shocked to hear those words come out of my good ole doctor's mouth! I really did almost ask him to repeat himself. 

Apparently I have stress in my life. Ha! I can't imagine WHY in the world I would have any reason to be stressed ;) Not saying it's a bad stress per say... just stress in the general sense of the word.

It all started about four weeks ago when I started having pretty bad pain in my left side. Actually, it constantly ached and there would just be sporadic pain shoot through my side. Soon after that started - my right side started hurting. At this point, I knew it was time to call Dr.G. I just knew that my ovaries were acting up - covered in cysts no doubt. Along with my self diagnosis, I already decided that I was going to have to have another surgery on my ovaries.

I called Dr.G's office... which is a whole new thing in itself. Since giving birth to the triplets - Dr.G has moved to a private practice, and it's become quite difficult to get in touch with him...let alone get in to see him. I spoke with a nurse that let me know that Dr.G was on night shift - and that she would pass along the message. The nurse called me back the next day saying that Dr.G felt like I should go in for an ultrasound and get checked out. That he "felt like something may be going on in there". Grreeat. This whole time, they were corresponding with Dr.G via email I guess... and it just made me more and more nervous. So, when I reached the point where the pain and worry consumed me...I called Dr.G at the hospital and asked if he thought I should come in. I mean, what if it were a ruptured cyst or something completely different all together? The doctor quickly calmed my nerves -he's always been kind of good at that, huh?- and assured me that I did not need to come to the ER that night :) Needless to say...the kind of ultrasound that I needed...yes, THAT kind of ultrasound, cannot be done at Dr.G's office....so I had to wait until they could get me in at another office. Originally it was going to be a week, but later - they had a cancellation and it only ended up being 4 days. Whew. 

Meanwhile...I got all worked up and had some kind of weird episode at work. My vision went blurry and I couldn't see for almost two hours. It was miserable. About 30 minutes after my vision went all crazy on me, I had a horrible pain on the right side of my head. Long story short... Velocity {Urgent} Care trip...AND an ER trip later... apparently I survived my first ever legit Migraine. Bleh. That was definitely an experience I do not care to relive anytime soon.

Yesterday was my ultrasound...and I was more than nervous. You all know me...Desiree the Worry Wart. I had decided that I was covered in cysts...maybe they would even find a growth or something in there.

Silly me! I thought that I would get results right then and there... but then realized that after they did the ultrasound - they would have to send it to Dr.G to look over. Ugh! All that waiting. I watched the screen as the ultrasound was preformed... and convinced myself that I saw at least half a dozen things wrong with my insides.

Side Note: foot tats are GREAT conversation pieces when getting THAT kind of ultrasound. HA!

Thank the Lord, Dr.G called me within a few hours of the ultrasound. I sat down, and prepared myself for the news he would have.

The news was nothing. Actually, it was better than nothing. He said that I didn't have single cyst on my ovaries. That they looked perfectly healthy. My uterus too! What? Seriously? Was he looking at the right chart?

All that to say...I'm pretty pleased. :) First time very I've been told that my ovaries are healthy. Kinda made my day.

Two years ago I was told that I had "Other Ovarian Dysfunction". Yeah...not so dysfunctional anymore! Way to go girls!

God is so good :) I am so undeserving of the blessings that He has given me.

Dear Lilly {1,272 days later}

...1,272 days.

   ...3 years. 5 months, and 25 days.

      ...181 weeks and 5 days.

            ...30,528 hours.

                 ...1,831,680 minutes.

Dear Lilly,
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I locked eyes with your daddy in the bathroom mirror... the night we found out that you were growing inside me.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw your tiny bean-shaped body on the ultrasound screen... and heard your heart beat for the first time.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday when Ms.V told us that we were going to be Mommy and Daddy to a precious baby GIRL. A little girl that we had already named Lillian Joy.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that Dr.G told me that there was a chance that I'd have to go out of work early because my blood pressure was too high, and that it was too much stress on you and me.
 Most days i feel like it was just yesterday that Dr.G told me that he would induce labor...since you were so stubborn, and didn't want to come on your own.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I listened to some of your hearts last beats in that doctor's office. The last time I ever heard your heart beat.
 Most days i feel like it was just yesterday that you woke me up bright and early on your birthday... willing your way out. As if saying, "Wake up Mom! Let's get this show on the road!".
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that the nurses on the L&D floor couldn't find your heart beat and called Dr.G on his way to the hospital.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that they rolled in the ultrasound machine.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw your lifeless body on that black and white screen.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday that my world was shattered, and my life came to a screeching halt.
 Most days I feel like it was just yesterday when I walked into that operating room, knowing that there would be no happiness that day. Knowing that they would cut me open and take away the only connection I had to you.
 Most days I do feel like it was just yesterday...
 But today...just a few short days before Mother's Day  2013 - I feel like it's been decades since I saw your precious face. Since I held you for the first time... since I held you for the last time...since I kissed your chubby cheeks, smelled your freshly washed hair, and stroked your tiny fingers. I feel like it was a lifetime ago...and my heart aches to have those moments back. Just to relive them one more time. Maybe if I could see you one more time...hold you just one more second...maybe I could store a few more memories of you.
 Some days there are little things that I just can't remember about you...or your short life...and it makes me feel like I am losing you all over again.
 I try to relive those days in my mind from time to time...so I don't forget. Oh God...there are so many things that I won't forget about you. Your smooshed little nose...your soft brown hair...your big ole' feet... your long fingers...chubby cheeks...your soft skin...your big ears...your lips...your look of innocence. Perfection.
 I love you little girl...and I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine.

Always,
 Mommy

I'm baaaack :)

As I drove down the interstate the other morning…I realized that I really miss blogging. I miss recording all the happenings of my crazy life. And while I can’t promise you (or myself for that matter) that I’ll keep up like I used to, I really want to try.

Not only do I miss blogging – but I also miss keeping up with my blogger friends! I miss reading your stories, and “hearing” what’s going on in your lives.

Life is going good…a little hectic at times, but good. I have been back to work for a little over a year now, and though I miss my kids while I’m away – I really enjoy my job. Come May, Clif will have been at his new job for a year – and loves it! We both really have been blessed with good jobs, great people to work with, and even better people to work FOR.

We’ve made a lot of new friends over this past year J I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with, and getting to know so many new people!

The kids are doing wonderful! I can’t believe that their two year birthday is just around the corner. It’s one of those happy/sad feelings. I can’t even begin to express how amazing it’s been to watch them grow and develop into little toddlers…but on the other hand, I so miss those tiny little babies that would let me snuggle them for hours! I know, I know, it’s all part of it – but I can’t help but miss those baby days.

Eli is, as always, HUGE. He’sGOT to be pushing 30 pounds now. He’s so chubby and cute. He loves to dance, sing, and snuggle. His favorite new things are Thomas the Train Engine & TRUCKS! Needless to say – his most recent words are “CHOO-CHOO” and “TRUCK”. He still has his hazel eyes that will melt your heart, and his little brunette {on the verge of} mullet. He got his first haircut a few months ago…and it looks as if I am going to have to take him back for his second SOON. He still looks just like his Daddy! He has the SWEETEST little personality. And have you ever seen a toddler that LOVES to be in church? As you all know, my dad is a pastor…and boy oh boy does Eli love his Poppy! This past Sunday he sat on his Gigi’s lap, on the very front row, and sat perfectly for over an hour. The most noise he made is when he was playing with a hymn book and started singing “lalala” ever so softly. It cracks me up that he would rather sit still and be quiet than to go into the nursery with his brother, sister, and the other children!

Easton is a sweetheart when he wants to be and a knuckle head the rest of the time. HA! He’s a few pounds under Eli, but makes up for it in his legs. He has gotten SOOOOO big. He has the CUTEST, cotton ball soft, blonde hair. And heartbreaking crystal blue eyes. Though he is a bully at times (ha!)… he is so sensitive. Easton is always on the go. I mean, this kid never sits still. He’ll come over and want me to pick him up, he’ll give me a hug or kiss, and then he’s on the move again. He and I did have a sweet time a few weeks ago – he woke up early from nap, and when I went to get him from his crib…he got on the couch with me and slept on my chest for an hour while the other two kiddos slept. It was precious! I haven’t had a sweet moment like that for a long time! He is definitely his Gigi’s boy! Clif and I were talking the other day about how when he and I have a date night, the kids could care less when we walk out of the house. It’s like pulling teeth to get hugs and kisses from them. But you let their Gigi walk out of the ROOM, and they lose their minds. J

Easton most definitely uses his good looks to his advantage…he will deliberately do something he KNOWS he is not supposed to…and flash you his toothy grin and make you forget all about what he did wrong.

Speaking of TEETH…these kids have SIXTEEN teeth each – and I swear they are getting ready to cut their two year molars…LORD help me!

Elliana is still our Sweet Petite Princess…with a touch of attitude. Okay, with a LOT of attitude. Oh my goodness, that little girl! She is a mess. She is so much smaller than her brothers…Clif insists that she will be involved in gymnastics because of her size. Poor little thing, she will be two in July and she is just now BARELY wearing a size 18 months. I love it though, it gives me time to enjoy the “little” stage a bit longer. She is SUCH a girl… in every single way. She loves pink, shoes, and anything to do with hair. FINALLY…her hair is long enough for pig tails – which is about the only thing that we can do with her hair. She loves them (and so do the boys)! All three of them call the pig tails “girls”…don’t know where they got that name…BUT, I can’t help but smile when Eli comes up to me and pulls out the sides of his hair asking for “girls”. Back to Sister. Her vocabulary seems to grow by the day…she surprises me with new words all the time. She has named the boys: “Lala” –aka, Eli and “Easty” –aka, Easton and calls herself “Ana”…leaving off the Elli part of her name. She knows just about everybody part, including the embarrassing ones. This little girl has some crazy personality…and I love it! Her new favorite thing is hide & seek. Every night when Daddy and I put the boys to bed, she hides beside the gun cabinet….always giving herself away by calling, “Ana”. She LOVES her Daddy… but is definitely a Mama’s girl…all the way.

Ah, I love those kids! I thank God every single day with blessing our lives in the way that He did.

Lillian Joy Smith {year three}

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's hard to believe it's been three years since the day I first laid eyes on you. Three years since we held you in our arms for the first time...and three years since the last time we held you in our arms.
 The last three years have been a rollercoaster of emotions, and events. But in everything I do, no matter what happens... there is never a day that my thoughts don't come back to you in some way.
 The pain that Daddy and I felt on that cool November day are still incredibly vivid in my mind. It feels like it was just yesterday that we heard Dr.Garcia utter those earth-shattering words, "no heartbeat".
 But...as much pain that still lingers...we rest in knowing that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. We'll never have to worry about this evil world bringing harm to you. I find great comfort in that promise. And even more comforting, I know I'll see you again!
 I miss you, Little Girl. I feel like I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine. So many times I'll catch my self feeling genuinely happy...and can't help but think that the only thing missing is, the only person missing - is you. A little three year old you... which is odd thinking about...because you'll always be a chubby-little-five-pounder-baby-girl in Mommy's mind. A little girl who is forever a part of me. A little girl that I will always carry in my heart.
 Rest safe in His arms, Baby Girl. Until we meet again....

-Mommy

November 9,2012

It's November 9th...2012. Well, at least it will be in the next hour or so.

I don't even know where to begin. I haven't been here consistantly for such a long time.

Yes, I'm busy... but I find time to do just about everything else...yet, I never make time to write down my thoughts anymore. I can't tell you how many blog posts I've started and never finished. Not because I didn't want to...I guess I just felt like I ran out of things to say. There's no time like the present...I guess...right?

I'm going to be honest. I've been dreading November...well, pretty much all year. I scheduled myself off of work months ago. I don't know what's different about this year...but it's like someone stuck a big piece of heavy duty duct tape on an open wound, yanks it off, and repeats...and repeats...and, well... you get the picture. Why is this year so much more painful?

Sometimes...when I'm really happy...when I find myself just enjoying life with my family, I catch myself thinking about what it would have been like if Lilly had lived. What would it be like with her here now? I sometimes picutre what it would be like for 16 month old Eli, Easton & Elliana playing with their *almost* three year old sister.

Forgive me... but I'm having one of those, "Why isn't she here with us? She was my world before she was even born, and she was ripped away from me before I even got the chance to know her. Why why why?" kind of days. Don't get me wrong, I still have peace. I know where my little girl is, and Who she is with. I know and believe with all of my heart that there is a reason for everything. But I can't help but feel "down" (for lack of better word) every now and again.

I haven't had a good cry in a while. There are so many emotions that I have felt in the last three years, sometimes I feel like a nut job :) But tonight... in the quiet of my bedroom...I let the tears fall. Hard. And lots of them! I listened to music that brings back memories of my precious Lilly Bean, and looked through her hospital pictures. The only pictures that I have of my little girl.

As Lilly's birthday quickly approaches, I find my heart aching...an ache like I've never felt before.

That moment that changes your life...forever.

So I was riding down the road listening to a local Christian radio station - when they started talking about their upcoming topic for their morning show tomorrow morning.

Moments that changed your life.

Two moments immediately popped into my head. Let me tell you about those moments.

November 13th,2009

This picture was taken just hours after the most life-altering, dream-stopping, heart-shattering moment of my life. 

Just a few hours before my husband and I had arrived at Roanoke Memorial Hospital to induce labor, and give birth to our first born child, Lillian Joy. Shortly after being checked into a room...that moment took place. The moment that will forever be burned into my heart...the moment that my doctor looked at my husband and me and said the two words that will never cease to bring tears to my eyes..."no heartbeat". Our  world came to a screeching halt when we were told that our unborn child, at 40w4d gestation, had died inside my womb. The same child that had woken me just three hours before...willing her way out. She was gone. And there was nothing we could do except to cling to our Loving Savior, and to one another.

January 27th,2011

That moment when Dr.S said something along the lines of, "Looks like we missed one, you're having THREE pregnancies." What? At the same time? In that moment I knew that God had heard our prayers and that He had answered them, three fold!

There were most definitely times during my struggle with PCOS & infertility that I thought I would never become pregnant a second time. That the only child He blessed us with would forever live with Him.

God is faithful to his children. And my family is living proof.

Though it didn't necessarily pop into my head first thing, there was definitely a third moment that came tumbling into my mind soon thereafter. 

July 15th,2011

The day that Eli Zayne (4lbs.06oz), Easton Layne (3lb13oz), and Elliana Rayne (2lb15oz) came kicking & screaming into this world.

After a journey like ours...enduring the pain and heartache of losing a child... it was the most rewarding feeling to hear three cries...and to watch three seemingly healthy babies be born into this world.

Moments like these changed my life forever. Some for the good, and some for the bad... but a day never goes by that I don't believe with my whole heart that all the above mentioned was in God's master plan for mine and Clif's lives.

Only God Can Bring Forth Rain To Smother Pain's Flames

**Warning** If you don't like or agree with tattoos, you probably will not want to read this post**

So for our five year wedding anniversary...we decided to spend the day with our favorite tattoo artist ( check out some of his work here). Kind of an odd way to spend our anniversary - but we had a blast, and it was definitely a memorable day!

I've been trying to come up with a tattoo that could symbolize my journey. My journey through infertility, through loss, and through happiness.

Before seeing Andy last Saturday morning I had decided that I wanted a storm scene with a rainbow scene at the bottom of the tattoo. A storm to symbolize the hard times...or the "storm" in my life, and a rainbow scene to symbolize the happiness and my three precious rainbow babies.

When arriving at the shop, Andy explained that he really didn't feel comfortable with the rainbow...and that he had drawn up a little something to see if I liked it. I loved it. I was perfect.

So...after about three hours of needle to skin...this is what we've got...

The "eye of the storm" is located at the top of the tattoo. One single tear symbolizing my precious Lilly Bean. Storm clouds and lightening symbolize not only the storm we experienced when we lost our precious baby girl, but also our journey through infertility. The three cherubs symbolize the triplets (of course!) holding up my aching heart, consumed with flames caused by all the pain and heartache. The rain is to show that God does answer prayer...that he brought the rain that helped smother the pain of my heart. The quote, "Only God can bring forth rain to smother pain's flame" came from a rap song (yes...don't even. I hate rap, but heard the lyric and it has stuck with me ever since). I am so pleased with how well it all fit together :)

One year of blessed craziness.

A blog title has never held more truth than the one above. For the Smith household...the last year has been crazy...but most definitely blessed. More than blessed.

I cannot believe that time has passed so quickly. It's SO hard to believe these precious {not so} little babies are one year old. :) It's such a bittersweet feeling. I am so thankful that they made it to a year, that God saw fit to watch over them as they were growing in my womb...and as they were delivered into this world. He kept His loving hands on them as they were in the hospital - and continued to do so every single day of their lives.

Starting with July 15,2011 and every single day since...my life (as well as Clif's) has been filled with such joy! Watching the children - products of our love for one another - grow and advance with each passing day. Witnessing them discovering new things, developing into the toddlers they are today.

Eli Zayne Smith. What a Mama's boy! :) And I love every single second of it. Eli weighed in just shy of 22 pounds at his one year appointment, big boy! It's so hard to believe that he started off at just four pounds!

He's so smart! :) He's been walking for the past month or so, but not long lengths. He still eats a ton, but is growing pickier by the day. Eli's favorite past time is to bite his brother and sister...and mommy...and daddy... and well, anyone else that happens to get in the way. It started out because of teething, and has continued as a form of retaliation. Ugh! :) Little Booger has ten teeth (including two molars - that came in about  months early) and two others trying to break gum. He still has thing brown hair, and hazel eyes. He is my little Chunky Monkey...short and plump.

Easton Layne Smith. Spaztastic for short. This kid is the picture of energy...and never ever stops! Powder blond hair and crystal blue eyes that will melt your heart in an instant. LOVE this little Ham. Easton weighed in just shy of pounds, making his weigh gain a little over 16 pounds in one year. Not too shabby! Easton loves to get his hands on everything that he knows he's not allowed to play with. Mischievous little thing. Easton took off walking about two weeks ago, but like his big brother - he gets bored with it easily. Easton has eight teeth, is cutting his canines, and two molars. Whew! Needless to say, he is taking after Eli in the biting department. :)

Elliana Rayne Smith. What can I say? That's my daughter! :) This is the face we are greeted with continuously through the days. She is such a goof ball...and SO happy. Definitely our good baby. Elliana weighed in at 17 pounds 2 ounces. She's made it quite a ways since her 2lb15oz debut a year ago. Little Princess is finally getting some hair in, and it's absolutely beautiful - definitely compliments her chocolate brown eyes that light up any room she enters. Elliana walks as well, and is getting better and better each day.

She has eight teeth and is also cutting her molars. Elliana had her follow up appointment with her cardiologist last week, and still has a slight leak in one her valves - which has also thickened. Dr.W doesn't think that it will effect her in the future, and says that she should lead a normal childhood. She will see him once a year to make sure nothing changes. We are so blessed that the Lord saw fit to heal her little heart. Oh this little girl!

We have been so blessed.

Doctor Doctor...

Uggh!! Why oh why is my body so jacked up? I think somewhere deep inside, I thought that if I had a "normal" pregnancy that somehow my body would just snap into where it should be. HA! Not this ole body.
I have done everything I know to change my day in and day out to help with my PCOS. I have lowered my sugar intake, my carbs..ect. I've been on weight watchers since September, and lost 51 pounds. I am officially three pounds lighter than I was on my wedding day, and with just seven pounds to go... I will weigh what I did when I was 17 years old.
Unfortunately, I don't think any of that has helped my symptoms. But that's okay... I feel so much healthier, and just better in general.
One thing I've been told a million times about PCOS is that symptoms can improve by losing just 10% of your body weight. They also say by losing that ten percent, you could become fertile >.< ha! ;)
Speaking of which...I had an extremely vivid dream a few weeks back that I was pregnant. Not only did I have the dream and wake up in a panic...when I fell back asleep, I had the same exact dream again. This dream was SO convincing that I went out and bought pregnancy tests. Whew! This was one time that I wasn't so disappointed to see that lonely one line on the result screen.
I had to call Dr.Garcia's office (let me just say...when you have a doctor that is a private practice... they are not easy to get in touch with!) last week with some (what I thought) major issues with my birth control. By the time I convinced myself to call the office, I had also convinced myself that I may possibly have something more than PCOS.
To my surprise (and delight) it was Dr.Garcia that returned my call. Is it weird that I was excited to talk to him? He didn't express too much concern, at least not enough to where he thought that I should come in. I initially thought that I should go in for an ultrasound to check out my ovaries...since nothing has really been looked at since having the babies. Makes me kind of nervous. He said that it could be a number of things, one being that my uterus lining is thicker than usual. He also said that it could be something as simple as my body has not yet adapted to Sprintec, seeings as I have only been on it for two months (three months?). He hesitated... but then told me that though it was unlikely, he wanted to know if I had accidentally missed any pills...because what I described COULD be the signs of early miscarriage.
I'll be honest... this crossed my mind more than once. But the fact that I've had the same issues two-three months in a row... I was pretty sure that was ruled out. So I had to break down and tell Dr.Garcia about my crazy realistic dream, and that it was so real I took a pregnancy test. He was so relieved when I told him that it was negative, and he said that he felt a lot better about my issues.
So...I guess I just deal with them. Dr.G said that if they continue, or if I am uncomfortable that he may reconsider seeing me. Bleh. I think it's just a case of Desiree's body is screwed up. :)
And that concludes my little rant about my body and PCOS. Thank you :)

NINE months!

On April 18th, Clif and I took the babies for their nine month check up with Dr.Craft. That in itself was eventful.

Let me just say that we do not plan on going to the doctors office 3 babies vs. 2 parents again for a long while. We are already making plans to have a third set of hands for their one year check up. :)

All three babies are completely healthy. Dr.Craft says that he could not be more pleased. And the kids could not possibly look any better. **enter sigh of relief here** They were nine weeks early, born at 31 weeks. At nine months old, Dr.Craft says that size wise, and developmentally... they are that of a full term eight month old. Only a month behind? Not too shabby.

Eli weighed in at a whopping 19lbs6oz...and 27 inches tall! Such a BIG boy, and full of energy. Though Eliw as born first, Easton has normally been the leader in "new" things. But not lately! It seems just like yesterday that Eli started sitting up on his own by accident...and then sitting up on cue...then pulling up. NOW...if you saw him, you might just call CPS on us. This poor Chunky Monkey has so many bruises on his poor little noggin. :) He is on the move ALL THE TIME. No lie...crawling, pulling up... I honestly believe that he will be walking by one year if not before. Eli has EIGHT teeth...and LOVES to bite Mommy, Brother, & Sister.

Easton isn't too far behind Eli! Easton weighs 18lbs6oz, and is 27 1/4 inches tall. This little boy will steal your heart with one glance. Something about those crystal blue eyes and powder blonde hair. Easton is also on the move! It's so hard to keep up these days. He is a dare devil, and his new found favorite thing is finger foods and Elmo. :) Easton has *almost* five teeth...and has been relieving some of his pain on daddy's overgrown hair.

Elliana is still petite but is gaining on the boys. Miss Prissy Butt weighed in at 15lb11oz, and 25 1/4 inches tall. What a little princess! Her hair is thickening...and her poor little bald spot on the back of her head is almost completely covered in hair :) Elliana is ALSO on the move...going anywhere her little heart desires. She LOVES to explore everything within reach by scratching it. Elliana has *almost* four teeth...and is slowly but surely realizing that she can finally bite her big brother Eli back! Elliana also recently started saying "Mama"... actually, she has been saying it for almost a week now (she said it for the first time last Sunday morning)! Also in her vocab, "Baba"...we aren't a hundred percent sure if she is saying bottle, or "bye bye". Either way it's adorable. :) She also loves to clap her hands.

All three babies are beautiful gifts from God and we seriously could not feel more blessed to have them in our lives. :)

breathe in...breathe out...repeat

:) I think life is about 95% back to full swing.

Crazy. Gotta love it.

Though I hate being away from my family, I have to admit that I have enjoyed being back at work. Being part of the real grown up world again. Definitely tough, but something that I knew I would have to do eventually.

Clif continues his position as "stay at home dad" for the time being. Please be in prayer with us as we are waiting to hear back about a job that he applied for. It's been a long process... and we both fully believe that God will provide. I honestly think that Clif will be offered this job, it just takes forever for everything to go through. It was around a three month hiring process for his former job. :) We are almost at three months since he sent in his application. They just finished up another portion of the hiring process, and we are awaiting a phone call from the person with the final say. Please pray with us that if this be His will, that Clif might even get a phone call on Monday saying that he has the job!

Clif left his former place of employment for the better of our family. We both were completely at peace with the decision. Fully trusting that God would provide. And He has in so many ways, and I know that He won't stop here! :) It was easy at first, but it's slowly getting a bit stressful. We do have three children to provide for...:) And HE knows that. All will be well. I have no doubt.

The babies are doing wonderful! :) We took them for their nine month check up on the 18th of April (post to come).

Clif and I have big plans for our five year anniversary...which is coming up FAST (not to mention our precious little ones turning ONE)!! My parents have agreed to keep the babies for the entire day. We'll be getting up early, heading out for a nice breakfast...and then a road trip out of town! We're heading to Harrisonburg...to give our gifts to one another. New INK!

I am beyond excited. FINALLY...after all these years of saying that a certain person would tattoo me (because I know him)...he's finally going to do it! Appointment is set, and tattoo idea is in my head. YAY! I would share more... but I don't want to spoil it.

Well, basically... I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm still alive. I have so much to say... but never enough time to say it. :) Don't give up on me!

Twenty-Nine Months in Heaven

Friday the 13th.

Again.

Every.single.time. the 13th ends up on a Friday...it stings a little bit more than it did the time before.

Twenty nine months since we said hello...

Twenty nine months since we said goodbye...

...nothing changes it. And nothing makes it better.

Happy 29 months in Heaven, Lilly Bean. Mommy & Daddy love you.

Happy Easter!

I feel like I am completely out of touch with everyone and everything. And while I hate it, it's what I've gotten used to. I've finally come to the conclusion that life is not going to get any less hectic anytime soon. So I might as well embrace the craziness and move on :)

Today is Easter, well...at least for the next couple of days. We had a busy day, and are just settling in at home. Babies bathed, fed them dinner, played, bottles...and now all three are sleeping soundly in their cribs.Thank goodness!

This Easter was most definitely different than any in our past. :) A good different. I so enjoyed having three very special little ones with us today!

On a day like today (Easter) I cannot help but think of our Sweet Lilly Bean. Not because she isn't with us today... but, because He is risen...we will see our little girl again someday. 

It's been a while since I've been here...and I feel like there are a million things that I want to catch up on. :) But never seem to have the time...

Poor babies have been sick for a week and a half now :( They had a nasty cold (Dr.C said that it could be a slight case of RSV). Easton & Elliana had ear infections...and Eli had to get a nebulizer. Yuck! Needless to say it's been a long stressful for Mommy & Daddy this week. Whew...

My parents came over Friday night and baby sat so that I could take Clif out for his birthday! I took him out for Japanese and then to see "The Hunger Games". Great night! Plus...Mom and Dad spent the night, so we were able to get seven hours of consecutive sleep for the first time in almost two weeks!! Soooo thankful for parents that are willing to help out!

Being back to work has been good for me, I think... but stressful on all of us. Clif is still without a job, so he's been playing Mr.Mom for a month now. >.< Please pray with us concerning this as he is waiting to hear back about a job. We are praying praying praying because he would be able to stay in the same line of work, BUT, it would be a Monday through Friday,8-5 schedule. :) Not to mention all federal holidays!! It would be SUCH a blessing, but most definitely leaving it in God's hands.

i miss my friend(s)

I miss my friends. Ha! Isn’t that an old country song? Hm. No…seriously I really really miss my friends. I realized while getting ready for work this morning that I feel so incredibly disconnected from my friends. And at first thought, I was like…”I don’t know how it got like this”. But then again… I guess it all started when I found out that I was pregnant with triplets. Anyone that knows me at all knows that I was pins and needles, especially for the first 12 weeks or so. I watched every single thing that I ate, I didn’t drink caffeine, I didn’t eat an abundance of sodium. I didn’t lift anything over 10 pounds. I made sure that my seatbelt wasn’t too tight…that I didn’t go over bumps to quickly…that I didn’t sleep on my belly. Sheesh! I get all nervous just talking about how careful I was. I remember being terrified to even RIDE in a car, let alone drive. Especially after we hit a deer (going 60+ MPH) when I was just 5 weeks pregnant! I was afraid to do anything, or go anywhere. And then by the time I was past that stage, I was too fat & tired to do anything. An hour of being on my feet and I was completely exhausted. That lasted right up to the time that Dr.G took me out of work. And that’s when my seven weeks of bed rest began. Ugh! And then I really couldn’t do anything. For the four-five weeks that the babies were in the NICU, we were able to get together with a few people for dinner, ect… but it was always rushed because we were always in a hurry to get back to the hospital to see the babies. Not only do I feel disconnected from my friends…but my family…oh and don’t even get me started on my church family. The last time we were in our church as a family was the day before Thanksgiving. >.< Since then, we have switched off Sundays…and it’s either me, or Clif that goes. Thank God for RSV season coming to a close! I am SO ready to get back into the full swing of my life. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I love my life, and I would not trade it for the world. Seriously. I love my babies, and I love being a Mom. And I also understand that all of these feelings I am having are all part of parenthood…with a little added because of the babies being nine weeks early. Honestly, if I think about it… I get really depressed. But in the same breath, I get it. Ya know? I don’t even know if I’m making sense. J I feel like everyone thinks I have cut myself off from them…and I hate that they might think that, or feel like that. I promise it hasn’t been intentional. *sigh* I really hate this. Now with me being back at work, there is even more to juggle. And since everyone KNOWS that I’m trying to juggle, I feel as if everyone has just taken another step back from me…in a good way, to give me my space. BUT… I don’t want my space. I still want to talk to friends, get together with friends…it’s just a little more hectic than it used to be. I guess I should apologize to you all. I know you all know who you are. I promise I have not TRIED to distance myself. Life has been crazy, some days I am so completely overwhelmed that I can’t breathe. I still care… I’m just learning how to do all this. Please don’t give up on me.

Green means GO!

And they're off...!!!

My {not so little} babies are growing...way too fast for my liking,. They are all on the verge of crawling... all three can get into the crawling position and rock back and forth. Eli has actually crawled a few inches. All three can sit up for a good while...and....
                                                    Eli got himself from the laying down position to the sitting up position...
                                                                 

all by himself.

Boo. :) I am thrilled that our children are developing {almost} right on "schedule" compared to what a full term baby would. But I am definitely not liking the fact that they aren't tiny little five pounds babies that need me to do EVERY LITTLE THING for them anymore. I don't think I'm ready for this. Ha!

I finished up my second week of work as of yesterday. :) The second week was most definitely better than the first. I managed to keep the tears at bay, for the most part. I also felt a little more confident doing what I do, so that helped too!

Being back at work doesn't change anything...life still proves to be insanely busy, all the time. Monday started with running late leaving work, going to the funeral home for visitation of a sweet little lady that passed away.

The rush rush rush to grab dinner and zoom home in time to help Clif finish feeding the babies dinner. Whew.

And that's pretty much how every single day went this week, minus the funeral home thing.

I did manage to try a new, REALLY GOOD crock pot recipe. Compliments of Pinterest.com, aka: my new obsession.

Here it is: Shredded Chicken Tacos. Boneless chicken breast, jar of salsa...package of chicken taco mix. DONE. Throw it in the crock pot, high for four hours. YUM-O! Oh my goodness. We put it on warm tortillas with cheese (fat free!) and low fat sour cream. Accompanied by my Chipotle Copy Cat Guacamole & baked tortilla chips. Cheap, easy and sooooooo good :) Perfect for the working Mommy.

Ugh, I forgot to mention that we had our first accident involving a baby this week. Monday...midst the craziness of every day life, Eli...fell off our kitchen table. Yes yes, we're horrible parents. lol At least that's how Clif felt. He was the one home with them when it happened. He was strapped into a bouncer chair type thing, and...BOOM...leaned forward...and fell off. Thank GOD there was a chair that caught him. He had an instant goose egg, but was fine...and yes, we called the doctor. Three times I think. :)

Today is St.Pattys day. Daddy is still in bed, babies are in the floor fighting sleep. After lunch time bottles, we are headed out for the day. Lunch for Mommy & Daddy, and then shopping for the whole family. :) I am loving this warm weather, and that RSV season is coming to a close.

Rest in Peace.

Just got word that one of our precious church members made her way to Heaven, sometime around one o'clock this morning. <3
We'll miss you, Mrs.Conner. We love you.

I {think I} will survive.

...so far, I have. :) Survived my first week back to work, that is.

It was long...and emotional...and just down right HARD to be away from my babies. BUT... the Lord is good, and has provided wonderful people to talk care of the kids. My mom, and of course... Clif! I am SO proud of how Clif stepped up this week and helped out SOOOO much. Until Wednesday he had never had an entire day where he was responsible for EVERYTHING that had to do with the babies! BUT...he did it, AND had dinner started. :) Love my husband.

Please continue to pray that God would open a door for Clif, job wise. He's been hitting the pavement ALL week long, and had a few leads... but nothing huge. We are continuing to trust that there is something SO much better out there!

Well, I'm off of here to go spend some time with my Love's. :) I think my first week of work calls for lunch & shopping (grocery that is) Ha!

Be blessed.

Excitement!

:) I'm excited. About several things.

First, I'm really excited about our family date today! With RSV season coming to a close, we are celebrating by having a little outing... just the five of us! I was able to find a lady on FB with a double stroller for sale, and my Dad and I met her last night to pick it up! Now we can take the kids out, Boys in the double...Elliana in her single, and not have to stop every five steps because we have a massive triple stroller. If you have multiples, you know what I mean. I love that people want to look at my kids, but I can't get anything accomplished when I have to stop for every single person to look and ask, "oh, triplets?"

Second... I have been attending weight watchers since mid September. I'm hit or miss to the meetings because of babies, and soon to be work....but...I stick to the ww plan regardless. It's been a long road... but the end is in sight!! I'm sooooooo excited. As of this morning, I have lost 44 pounds with weight watchers, and a total of 80 pounds since having the babies! I actually feel good on the INSIDE for once, and it's a GREAT feeling. I have given up sodas, #1 because they are horrible, #2 because I think it will help with my weight loss. :) I ordered Clif and I some new jeans (did I mention that Clif has been on Weight Watchers since the week before Christmas, and has lost like 25 pounds? AND almost two pant sizes?) from American Eagle last weekend, because they were having a great sale! I ordered both of our jeans a size smaller than we normally wear...I told him they were our "dream jeans". They arrived...and we BOTH are wearing our new jeans out today!!

Third...I'm to the point where I am ready to work out. Like, I WANT to work out. I am comfortable with my weight (though, I still have 16 pounds to go before I meet my goal)...and I really want to tone everything up! Sooooo I am working on that now. :) This might be TMI, but since I'm going back to work on Monday, I'm going to search out a tanning salon and try to tan (just a few sessions) on my lunch break, in hopes that it will help hide some little stretch marks brought on by two pregnancies. HA! I am HOPING that this will do the trick on my inner thighs... I know, TMI and gross... but oh well. If it doesn't do the trick, I am going to be talking to a dermatologist (I think they are the ones that do it) about laser removal. I know, that sounds crazy. But...I am serious. ANNNNNND...IF I can get the results that I want from either one of those options (plus tone tone tone up!)... I am THINKING about getting a VERY meaningful tat. I have it all in my head and I am at the about to bust, squeal, and jump up and down point. :) I grew up around this guy that works in a shop a few hours away from where we live. He has done two tats for Clif, one on his back in memory of Lillian Joy, and then a cover up. He does AWESOME work. Soooo...I am thinking about calling him in about a month or so and getting him to go ahead and draw it up for me. I have always always always wanted Andy to tattoo me... and with every single one I have gotten, I still haven't managed to get him! :) I wanted him to do my Lily tat, but he was booked solid (which he normally is), so his friend did it for me. This time, I'm not letting anyone do it but Andy. And I am SOO excited. Even though I haven't totally decided to get it done.

WHOA...too much caffeine in my tea?? I am all hyped up. Better jump off of here and put this energy to use! A family day date involves a very detailed check list. And yes, you can laugh at me for that. :)

hit me baby one more time.

Sometimes it hits me.

Like a ton {or two} of bricks.


I absolutely...with all of my heart, until the end of time...love my children.


Yes...I complain sometimes. And I always feel guilty for doing so...I feel as if I shouldn't complain when I've been so blessed. Blessed with what I begged God for, for what seems like forever.


But then there are nights like tonight. Nights when someone {Eli} cries out in their sleep, and I get to hold and cuddle him for a few minutes. Just the two of us. I love it. Holding him tonight...him looking so innocent. :) Kissing his cheek and watching him grin his toothy little grin. Ah, melt my heart!

I had a moment like that with my Easton last night... while I was giving him a bath, of all things! As I was washing his hair (which is coming in pretty think nowadays!), and it just hit me...how beautiful he is...and how blessed Clif and I are.

Oh how I love these precious little babies of mine. I literally cannot imagine life without them. I don't think there are enough words to describe how they fill each and ever second of every day with joy!

Yes, I have my rough days when I feel as if I may pull out every single strand of hair on my head. :) I don't think I would be a true mom if I didn't have those kind of days. But for the most part... I enjoy my days with the babies. Especially now that their little personalities are in full swing!

Only a few days left... and I return to work. And to be honest, I'm trying not to think about it. I keep telling myself (and everyone else) that I will be okay. It won't be that bad...Clif is going to be here...my mom will be here. I knew it was coming. Me returning to work has been inevitable from the very beginning of my pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I can talk it up until I am blue in the face...but Monday is probably going to be on up there on the list of hardest days of my life.

Ugh! Leaving my babies. Not being the one to take care of every little thing? Oh goodness I'm going to have a panic attack before I can finish this post! I guess...if I can get through my meeting with Human Resources Monday morning without breaking down in tears, I'll be doing good. HA!