Friday, March 23, 2012

i miss my friend(s)

I miss my friends. Ha! Isn’t that an old country song? Hm. No…seriously I really really miss my friends. I realized while getting ready for work this morning that I feel so incredibly disconnected from my friends. And at first thought, I was like…”I don’t know how it got like this”. But then again… I guess it all started when I found out that I was pregnant with triplets. Anyone that knows me at all knows that I was pins and needles, especially for the first 12 weeks or so. I watched every single thing that I ate, I didn’t drink caffeine, I didn’t eat an abundance of sodium. I didn’t lift anything over 10 pounds. I made sure that my seatbelt wasn’t too tight…that I didn’t go over bumps to quickly…that I didn’t sleep on my belly. Sheesh! I get all nervous just talking about how careful I was. I remember being terrified to even RIDE in a car, let alone drive. Especially after we hit a deer (going 60+ MPH) when I was just 5 weeks pregnant! I was afraid to do anything, or go anywhere. And then by the time I was past that stage, I was too fat & tired to do anything. An hour of being on my feet and I was completely exhausted. That lasted right up to the time that Dr.G took me out of work. And that’s when my seven weeks of bed rest began. Ugh! And then I really couldn’t do anything. For the four-five weeks that the babies were in the NICU, we were able to get together with a few people for dinner, ect… but it was always rushed because we were always in a hurry to get back to the hospital to see the babies. Not only do I feel disconnected from my friends…but my family…oh and don’t even get me started on my church family. The last time we were in our church as a family was the day before Thanksgiving. >.< Since then, we have switched off Sundays…and it’s either me, or Clif that goes. Thank God for RSV season coming to a close! I am SO ready to get back into the full swing of my life. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I love my life, and I would not trade it for the world. Seriously. I love my babies, and I love being a Mom. And I also understand that all of these feelings I am having are all part of parenthood…with a little added because of the babies being nine weeks early. Honestly, if I think about it… I get really depressed. But in the same breath, I get it. Ya know? I don’t even know if I’m making sense. J I feel like everyone thinks I have cut myself off from them…and I hate that they might think that, or feel like that. I promise it hasn’t been intentional. *sigh* I really hate this. Now with me being back at work, there is even more to juggle. And since everyone KNOWS that I’m trying to juggle, I feel as if everyone has just taken another step back from me…in a good way, to give me my space. BUT… I don’t want my space. I still want to talk to friends, get together with friends…it’s just a little more hectic than it used to be. I guess I should apologize to you all. I know you all know who you are. I promise I have not TRIED to distance myself. Life has been crazy, some days I am so completely overwhelmed that I can’t breathe. I still care… I’m just learning how to do all this. Please don’t give up on me.


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