Saturday, January 30, 2010

..,let your emotions show.

~The first day I called her "bean"~

I miss my Lilly Bean today...a lot. And in the past few hours it has really hit me...HARD.

That's it...

my amazingly wonderful hubby, Clif.

~before I tell you what this is all about, this is how much snow we have on the ground....~
so... I know that I have already posted for today, but I had to share something with you all.

Clif had to work this morning, but got off at one because I didn't think he was going to be able to get up our driveway. It's now 2:55. He called me at 2 to tell me that he was on our road and getting ready to try and come up our driveway. I looked out the window for him about 20 minutes ago, and he is in our driveway (that is so long its rediclous) shoveling it. **insert proud happy smile here**

He knows that I'm having a rough time emotionally...and that I really wanted to go out for my birthday...but I was beginning to accept that I wasn't going anywhere. And here he is, in the freezing cold shoveling us a path so we can still go out.

My husband has got to be the most amazing, thoughtful person ever. =) Absolutely too'd better believe I am going to be extra sweet for the rest of the day.

When I saw him out there, I wanted to cry!! He must really love me...haha

Well, that's all for amazing hubby trying to make my bday one to remember. Awww...

whiter than snow...

...Lord Jesus, I long to be perfectly whole; I want Thee forever to live in my soul; Break down every idol, cast out ever foe - Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow...

So I woke up with this song in my head this morning. Even though tomorrow is my birthday - and we are going to more than likely be snowed in, it's beautiful.

When I am constantly surrounded by the "dirty" world, all the sin of the world...mine included. It's just refreshing see the pure,white snow...and be reminded that God forgives our sins...and that he has a place waiting for us in Heaven, if only we will accept it. AMAZING! That's better than any birthday gift I could ask for!!

I do have to admit that I have been a whiner this morning. We are supposed to go out with friends for my birthday tonight...going out to Red Lobster for dinner, and Clif even ordered me an Ice Cream cake from Ben & Jerry' favorite... Cherry Garcia! :-( ha! It will be ok. As long as I have my hubby I guess...

"You gotta dance like nobody's watching, dream like you will live forever, live like you're going to die tomorrow and love like it's never going to hurt" ~ Meme Grifsters ~

Thursday, January 28, 2010

it could be...worse?

So I've been bad as my situation is, and as much as it hurts...and as much as I don't want to go on with life (sometimes). IT COULD BE WORSE.
I mean...I don't think I would be doing as well as I am if Lilly had been born alive, and then died shortly thereafter. There are so many "ifs" that would have absolutely destroyed me. I just know it.
But here we are...Clif and I are alive and healthy. God gave us a beautiful little girl, even though it was only for a few short months. We are thankful, we are blessed beyond measure. And if God allows, our family will grow in one way or another.
I have read so many stories of other women who have gone through similar tragedies. Some of them, much "worse" than my own. I have read of women who have lost their babies early in pregnancy, late in pregnancy, and just kept on trying. Many have lost multiple babies, and are still pressing on!! These women are SO strong... very amazing women. And such an inspiration to me!! I've made several "blog gal pal's"... and I am so happy that I have.
Thanks to all of you that read my blog, thank you for reading...praying...and for encouraging me in my time of pain. Y'all are the best!!!!
We are on the journey of TTC again...not really trying hard, but trying just the same. I don't want to wait...I think I will become to freaked out by it all, afraid that I will lost another baby. But I have in my that He will bless us in HIS time.
God bless you all. I'll leave you with a saying that I saw on someone elses blog (yes I stole it... lol and I don't remember who from, so if you're reading this...thanks!!)

~ One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks ~

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

well...Virginia does have some decency left!?!

Well, I was reading random blogs the other day...and I saw a post about something called: Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. So I researched it, finding out that only certain states offer this.
So I went to Virginia Department of Health website and found out that Virginia offers this certificate. YAY!!! All I have to do is send a letter requesting it, with Lilly's name,my name, Clif's name, the day she was born, and the hospital she was born in. A copy of my DL, and a check for $12.00.
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to know that Virginia is actually going to recognize that my baby existed. No, they are not going to recognize that she did live (inside me), but at least the are going to say...hey! Lillian Joy Smith was a human being!
Since on the subject, well kind of... I just want to tell you all about my hospital. RMH. Absolutely amazing people there. First off, they were all SO sweet, even before we found out that Lilly had passed. Then after the fact, they didn't change at all in the way they acted toward Clif and me. Which really mean a lot. They treated with the utmost respect... and honored my baby in every possible way.
As I have said before, I decided to have a c-section when I found out that Lilly was gone (which by the way, I have healed really really just waiting to get the pigment back so my scar isn't bright pink anymore. =) After Lillian was born, they took her to the nursery to bathe her. We had decided we didn't want to see her right away, which worked out good anyways, because I was OUT cold the whole entire surgery. They brushed her hair, put a diaper on her...and dressed her in her "Little Dolly" dress that was a gift from my parents. When she came to my room, she looked amazing...still had color in her cheeks. Beautiful...absolutely beautiful.
Before bringing her to my room, they put her in the white tshirt and hat that I guess is pretty much what every hospital does. They took pictures, anywhere from 60-65 picture of her in her tshirt, in her of her wearing a gold ring that they gave her, pictures of her holding daddy's wedding band (I didn't have mine...I had to take them off because of swelling LONG before then). Pictures of her with stuffed animals...ect. They took a clipping of her beautiful brown hair...they made a "birth certificate" complete with her name, our names, her time of birth, weight, length...and her footprints. Since she was born "sleeping" we didn't get a real birth certificate or death certificate. So that really meant a lot to me. They also made us a disc of all the pictures they took of her, gave me a certificate of blessing...even made some prints of pictures for us. They put it all in a white cloth envelope/bag and gave it to us a few hours after she was born.
I had nurses that visited me that weren't even my nurses. They all hugged me, cried with me... and the one thing they all kept telling me was that my baby was beautiful. Exactly what every mother wants to hear!!
Now, my doctor. I am sure that I have mentioned him before (at least I think so), but I just can't talk about him enough. So here goes....
Dr.G. He is absolutely AMAZING. A wonderful man, and an even better doctor. Yes, we might could have made different decisions during my pregnancy, but I think it would have all ended in the same way. So I don't blame him in the least. I can't even begin to express to you how Doctor G felt. I mean, I don't even know how he felt exactly...but I know he blamed himself. When he told us what we already knew, that there wasn't a heartbeat, he sobbed (literally) right along with us.
He made up excuses to come see me in recovery (said he had to come get his coat....when he came down wearing it...haha), and just made up other excuses just to come and check on me. *smile* He came to the hospital to check in on me every day that I was there, and he spent no less than 20-30 minutes each time.
The day after I had my staples removed, he called my hubby to check on me. How many doctors do you know that actually make calls themselves? Especially when the patient didn't call him. Dr G told me before I left the hospital that he was in the local phone book, and that he was the only one in there that spelled his name the way he does. And if I needed him, to call day or night.
He kept telling me over and over again that he was so sorry, and that he would watch me better the next time. Take me out of work sooner, put me on meds for my blood pressure, and that no matter what...the next time, the baby would be born at 38 the latest.
Just to know that he cares for Clif and me...that he really,truly, genuinely cares for us...means SO much! And I have to add that Dr G told me after Lilly was born, that in all honesty most babies are not cute by a long least when they are first born. But he told me that Lilly was truly a beautiful baby! *big grin* We did good.
Until I became pregnant...I had been to the doctor maybe 5-8 times in my whole life. I've never been sick, never even had an ear infection when I was little!!! And now, this may sound crazy, but I'm sad that I'm not going to the doctor ever 1,2,4 weeks. *laughs* Is that weird? And I don't say that because I am sad that I'm not pregnant (tho I do miss being preggo like crazy), but because I don't get to see my doctor! I wish he was my family practitioner too! =) That's how much I think of this man. I would recommend him to any female I know. He truly is a gift from God, for at least Clif and I.
I am so looking forward to the middle of March when I get to go and see him again, and start back all of my meds. Again, I know...sounds crazy. But I am very excited.
I am so amazed that before Lilly was even conceived that God already knew the path that her life would be one. And what a wonderful path, right out of Mommy's tummy....straight into the arms of her loving Saviour.

~ God is good all the time, all the time God is good ~

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


=( so just a real short post. long story short... a package was dropped off at my house for one my neighbors. so i called the number that was on the box to tell her that i had it. she came down to my house a few minutes ago to pick it up.
she seemed like a really sweet lady, i liked her a lot. she kept telling me if we ever needed anything never to hesitate to call her. then she asked... i think i heard, are you expecting?? OW. i had to tell a complete stranger that we had lost our baby. i didn't go into any details...just told her that we had lost lilly. she grabbed my hand...said oh i'm sorry, anyways if you need anything...just call. *sigh* i know she meant well...but uh, ouch. it was just like that that my baby was blown off. =(


I find myself asking...will this ever get easier? Will I ever be able to go through a day like "normal" people? Will there ever be a minute that passes that I don't think of my baby girl? Will I ever be able to go into public and not be afraid of running into someone who doesn't know about my loss, or running into someone that has a newborn? Will it ever stop stinging? I think that the answer to most of those questions are "no". But that's ok.
I think that in time, it will get easier. Though, I don't think the healing process will ever be over. Maybe someday on down the road, there will be a minute (I do literally mean a minute) that I don't think of her, but I KNOW that there will never be a day that passes that I don't think of my sweet baby girl.
I have so many of those "moments", flashbacks if you will. Every day I relive the pain...the tragedy. Every little thing reminds me of something to do with that precious little baby...whether it be a newborns cry, commercials on TV, pictures of parents with their babies...pregnant women. The empty spot next to my bed where Lilly's bassinet sat for weeks...EVERYTHING reminds me of her.
I constantly think of her.
I think that some people view our situation as a miscarriage. This was NOTHING like a miscarriage. I mean to take nothing away from mother who have miscarried babies...I know that it must be painful...especially in those early weeks that result in you never even seeing your baby at all. But a baby that is born still is SO much different. Especially in my situation. I mean, I went to the hospital with the plan to bring my baby home. Nothing had been wrong. Her heartbeat had been 150 the day before, which the doctor said was perfect. No one thought that November 13,2009 would turn out like it did. But it did. My Lilly Bean may not have breathed a breath on this earth, but she did live. She lived inside of me for almost ten months. I don't care what doctors or scientists say...they don't understand it til they go through it, she did live. And she did died.
I miss her more every day....with everything within me.But I wouldn't change this experience...I would never want her to have to go through the heartaches of this world. She has changed so many lives... and for that I am forever grateful. I love you Lillian Joy Smith. Forever and for always.

~ Some people dream of angels... I held one ~

...where two or three are gathered in His name.

I just had a few prayer requests for you guys and gals who believe in the power of prayer. =)

**That God may continue to heal Clif and me, emotionally. And that He continue to grow us closer to Him, and to one another.
**That He may continue to heal me physically. And that he may give me the strength to hold true to a diet, so that I can lose this baby fat. ha!
**That if it be His will, He may bless Clif and me with another "Little Someone". All in His timing, but my heart aches not only for my "Angel Baby"...but it also aches for an earthly baby too. Even at this time...may sound cold-hearted, but that's just the way we feel.
**Pray for 3 amazing women that I know (well kinda know) that are pregnant. We'll call them "L", "M", and "A"...cause I'm not sure that they would want their names on here. Just pray that their pregnancies go smoothly, and that there would be no complications...and that their babies be healthy.
**A man in our church family "R" that has cancer, and has been battling it for years now... he's in the hospital and not doing well. Pray that God may give his family strength, and that He may ease "R's" pain.
**A very godly woman, "K" who is also losing the battle with cancer. She is in great pain, and it's not looking the best. But she is a strong woman, and has an amazing family who is very supportive. Pray that God's will may be done in this situation.
**My friendship with "R" (<----different "R"). It's going to be a long painful road, but I can't stay away forever. I want to meet her baby...and just see her. It's been over 2 1/2 months since I've really talked to her...and it's starting to be depressing. Pray that God will give me strength, and peace about seeing her in the near future. Thanks in advance for the prayers that may be offered up. You guys are the greatest... all the love,prayers and support really mean a lot to Clif and me both!!!

**PS** for some odd reason I didn't know I had to enable my comments. HA! so please hit me up some comments now that I think I am figuring this blog thing out1 =)

Monday, January 25, 2010

words that comforted me...

I was reading a blog today, ( about a fathers point of view on losing a child. While reading his blog, I came across these song lyrics by Michael W Smith :

Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain life and it's brevity
Cause there is nothing here that I can understand
You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet
No, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
No, sweet child of mineI
'll see you on the other side.
And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me
When you get there save me a placeA place
where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while
No, Hello, Good-byeI'll see you on the other side
No, Sweet child of mineI
'll see you on the other side
Ohhh, Oh, Oooh
I'll see you there,
I'll see you there,
I'll see you there,
I'll see you on the other side
OoohhNo, Hello, Good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
No, Sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side

my weekend... was a weekend. Ha! It was one of the weirdest times that I've had since we lost Lilly. I had major ups and downs of the emotions...which was no fun!
Saturday was a pretty good day. Got up early, watched some of my dvr'd shows, then took my mother-in-law out to have her hair cut for her birthday! And then went to her house and colored it for her! (It looks really good...she looks so much younger!)
Clif had to work all day, and said that when he got off he wanted to watch a movie and eat take out so we could spend time together. Well, I decided I was gonna make him a huge meal as a surprise. I was excited, and in a good mood! I grilled ribeyes, mashed potatoes, cook scallops, green beans... and had it all ready for him when he walked in the door from work. (btw, he was surprised!)
But when I saw him (for the first time that day) a huge load of emotions smacked me up side the head. =(
My friend that I mentioned before (that had her baby at the end of last week) was home from the hospital. Pictures posted on her facebook page. I was over-joyed that the delivery had gone well... that Mama and Baby were okay. That they were home safe, and happy. So many emotions. One of longing to have a baby of my own (here on earth), a desire to see my friend and her son - but knowing that I can't handle it yet. Wanting to tell her that I love her, and that I miss her...and not to be upset with me...that I am trying my best.
And that was my night. Ate dinner while talking to my husband, the followed by a round of tears. I feel so...I don't even know what the word is.
I am so overwhelmed by the love that has surrounded us in these last few months, not to mention the love of God. I know that He is in control of our lives, and that He does have a plan for us. I believe that no matter when Lilly was born (alive or otherwise) that she would have passed away. Maybe she had health problems that would have haunted her for her whole life? (I'm so thankful that she didn't have to suffer for anything here on earth.) Maybe His plan all along was to let me carry her full term just to bring my husband and I closer to one another. To bring my family back together, like it used to be. To mend a friendship that had been broken between me and my best friend of 15 (?) years. To bring the lost to Him. I don't know what his reasoning's were, but I know that they were and are perfect.
Clif and I are praying daily that God may bless us with another little Baby Smith. Not to replace our beautiful daughter that He already gave us... but to expand our family, and our love. We are praying hardcore that if it be His will, that He may give us a double blessing...TWINS! I can't think of anything that we would love more. But we will be 100% satisfied with whatever He sees fit.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Life lately...

It hasn't been great, but it hasn't been too bad either. We have more good days than bad, thank the Lord. But it's still been hard. Just learning how to live with the grief from day to day, learning how to live without her. But as I have said before, God has bigger plans for us...though we don't know those plans now. I truly believe that He has big things for us!!
I know that some of you want to ask questions...and I want you to know that it's okay! Really. The answers may bring some emotions tumbling with them, but I'm okay with that.
Yes, Clif and I plan on having more long as God allows. I don't know when...but I do know that we want more. That's a longing that has taken a place in both of our hearts, being parents. Though, we ARE parents... we both long to have a child here on earth.
I started back to work on the 11th of this month. For the most part, it's been okay. Of course, I've a million of "I'm sorry", "Is there anything I can do for you", "been thinking about you", "been praying for you".And that's been pretty easy to swallow. I've ran into one customer so far that did NOT know about Lilly's passing. I was sitting in my chair, so belly was hid under the desk, and he asked me how much longer I had. Ha! Guess he didn't notice that I had been gone for three months! Oh well, I told him that we had lost her...and he wanted to ask all kinds of questions. And of course I cried. But I am sure that the poor old man felt a whole lot worse that me.
This week has been good...long but good. Funny how we had a holiday on Monday, so we were off... yet I still feel like this week has been drawn out.
Please be in prayer for Clif and me. Our very good friends had their baby a few days ago. We are so happy that everything went well, and that Mommy and Baby are okay. It's just going to be very hard for Clif and me...especially me. This friend of mine was like ten weeks behind me during our pregnancies. I experienced (for the most part) everything first. And now I'm finished, and she's just beginning. That's rough. But it's also life. Just please pray that God may continue to heal my heart so that I can continue my friendship. It will be tough being around her and her little one, but I pray that God may do what I need done in my life to handle the pain. *smile* I'm so happy for them.
God is good...all the time.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

the long ride home...

Clif and I left the hospital on the 15th of November. It was...I don't even know of a word to describe it. I was wheeled down to the lobby, a friend by my side...while Clif went to get our truck. I never thought that I would be leaving the hospital that day without my baby girl. We loaded the truck up with all of my bags, and they sat where her carseat had been. Of course it had been removed to keep from upsetting me...I wish that had worked. It was a very emotional time.
Next to get my meds filled. I didn't want to be left alone in the truck, so I went in and Clif pushed me in a wheelchair. Of course I got all kinds of stares...and the door greeter even asked me if I had just gotten out of the hopsital, did I have surgery? And that he hoped I was "ok". No, I was not ok.
Then was the ride home. It seems like it took FOREVER...but then I spotted our road....then our mail box...our car...our house. I was sobbing before we even topped the driveway. How heartbreaking to go home, empty an empty house.
Her room was all ready for her. I had been so excited. Crib was ready, sheets and bumper pads. Clothes washed and put away. Rocking chair in place. Clif painted her room "basic lime" and I hand painted a dandelion on the wall by the window. I made her curtains, complete with butterflies and little jewels put on by hand. Bottles were washed in the kitchen, bassinet all ready in Mommy and Daddy's room. And we had to put it all away.
My parents had already been to our house and de-babied it. I had a mini melt down when I walked inside and saw that the sign that read "Lilly's Room" had been taken down. I didn't want to go in her room at that point, but I did...just so I could have that sign back on her door.
Now, her room sits untouched. I peak in there every now and again... and I've had my "moments" when being overrun with thoughts of her, I go in and sit or lay and just cry. But as of right now, it's still Lilly's room. All of her things are there, and I just plain don't want to move anything. I want it left alone. Yes, the Lord willing, there will be another baby that the room will belong to. But until then, it belongs to Lilly. And I think that's ok.

learning to live without Lilly...

It has been a without her. I had her in my life for almost ten whole months, I had grown used to her being a part of it. And now she is gone.
Yes, Lilly will live forever in our hearts... but as much as I wish it was, it's just NOT the same. No matter which way you look at it.
The first few weeks following Lillian's death were for the most part, horrible. I did have my good days, but it was SO hard to go on.
The day after her funeral I had to have my staples removed. Added to the list of hardest things to do in my life, walking into that doctors office. *cringes* It was so weird. The first time walking in there since Feb. 2009 that I wasn't pregnant. Weird. Going into the same office, seeing the same people... having people crying and hugging me. It was rough. I think the hardest thing was not having my baby to take with me. Ya know, all the mothers always take their babies to their 6 week checkup so everyone in the doctors office could see the baby that they had been caring for for 9 months. I walked in with a broken heart, and a dozen staples. That's it. Empty handed. Then going into my doctors exam room and sitting on the table that I had sat on a million times...and all he did was talk and remove staples. No listening to the heartbeat. That was it. We all cried,the receptionist asked me if I had my baby yet, and what I had (she had no clue) and Clif and I left. And then we cried some more...
All my memories of these last few months are jumbled. Not in order. So forgive me if I back track sometimes.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

feel the love...

Wow. That's the only word that comes to mind when I think of the passing of my baby girl, and the days to follow. I never knew that Clif and I had so many people that love and care for us. We were overwhelmed by all the visits in the hospital, the cards, flowers, phone calls...e-mails. We even had a family of complete strangers come to the hospital on my second night there. They were such a blessing. They had a mentally challenged little girl (after they had been told that they would not have children and now have 2-3) that was such a blessing to my heart, I can't even begin to tell you.
The day of Lilly's funeral, I was oddly at peace. Clif and I woke up early that morning, and started to get ready for the service. Clif helped me bathe (this was only 4 days after the fact and I was still in great pain) and get dressed, grabbed something to eat to keep myself from getting sick, and we were on our way.
We arrived at the funeral home around 9:30. All of my family was already there waiting for us, and a family friend that I've known for years. I felt so loved and supported.
The staff at the funeral home were amazing. Truly wonderful people that left and imprint on my life that they will never know. They were such a blessing to us in our time of need.
Especially the sweet lady that prepared Lilly's body. She took extra care of my baby...she being a mother herself, knew just what to do. She even went out and bought baby lotion so Lilly would smell like a "baby". So thoughtful.
Think all that's great? Here comes the overwhelming part. Our Lillian, who never breathed a breath this side of Heaven had somewhere between 500-700 people show up for her viewing/funeral. I was so taken back! I couldn't believe it. People that I hadn't talked to in years, or seen in even longer!. People that I would have never dreamed of...they were all there! They poured through the doors from the very start of the viewing right up until time for the service to start.
That day at the hospital, the first person (other than family) that was at the hospital was Pastor Greg. I've known him for many years, and always had the most respect for him. He's always been so kind to my family and I. And always thought a lot of Clif. When I saw that he was the first person there for me, I knew that he would have a part in my little girls funeral.
My father is also a pastor, so he and Pastor Greg took care of the service. Another pastor friend of mine and my husbands sang two songs during the service. One that he chose that was so fitting,and then of course, Jesus Loves Me....which the congregation joined in singing as well. It was beautiful. Everything. Amazing. Everyone.
After the service, Clif and I asked our family to say their "last goodbyes" to Lilly, and then to leave just the two of us alone with her one last time. I didn't want to leave that room, I wanted to stay there all day. But I couldn't, all the people waiting...wondering what was going on....we said our last tearful goodbyes, and left.
Then came what felt like the longest car ride EVER. The ride to the cemetery, where we would put my baby's precious body in the ground. Though she wasn't in that body, it was still one of the hardest things I will ever do in this life. The line had to be a mile or more long. Police Officers stopped intersections and saluted...some with the look on their faces as if they knew what had happened...and maybe they did.
Finally, we arrived where we would leave our baby girl. Friends, family, coworkers....they all gathered around. Next came something that I was SO proud of Clif for - he carried her casket. It was so hard watching him do that, watching him carry her to the place where we would leave her.... I walked beside him, carrying the spray that would be left on her casket. Never again would we see our baby, outside of Heaven. It was heartbreaking.
And then when I thought there couldn't be anything else left... our church family provided a HUGE dinner and invited EVERYONE at the service to come back to our church and eat. They were amazing. My friend Rita, and her parents - which I've known all my life - put it all together, though they never would take credit. They even decorated. It was beautiful...
If I lived a million years, I never could express my gratitude. We are so blessed...

the hardest thing a parent will ever write...

~In Loving Memory of~
~Lillian Joy Smith~

Lillian Joy Smith, infant daughter of Clifton and Desiree Smith, went to be with her Jesus on November 13, 2009. Left to cherish the memory of “Lilly Bean”; Pastor Samuel and Janet Huntley (Poppy & GiGi), Shelia Smith (Gammy); her great-grandmother, Annie Huntley; and great grandfathers, Clifton Smith, Jr. and Kenneth Watts, Sr. Lillian was preceded in death by her grandfather, Clifton Smith, III; great grandparents, William and Beulah Holt; great grandfather, James Huntley; and great grandmothers, Margaret Watts and Sandy Gantt. Lilly will be loved and remembered by many aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. A funeral service will be conducted at 12 PM on Tuesday, November 17, 2009 in the chapel of John M. Oakey & Son, with Pastor Samuel Huntley, Sr. and Pastor Greg Irby officiating.

God has ways of preparing us...

As soon as I heard the words, "....we can't find a heartbeat" a song came to my mind and stayed with me for weeks to come. Actually, the lyrics are still with me. Weird how the week that I was put on bed rest I had taken out an old CD of mine and popped it into the player. It was a "Watermark" CD. And as I was listening through the songs, I came across a song called "Glory Baby". The song kind of disturbed me at the time, being almost full term. But the words stuck with are the lyrics:

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

This was the opening of Lilly's funeral 11-17-09, the second worst day of my life....

witnessing a miracle, and holding an angel...

I can't tell you how many times I have heard people describe having a baby under certain cirrcumstances as a "miracle". In my opinion... any baby is a miracle. Just the whole idea of growing a baby, giving birth to another human being. Something that (in most cases) can live and breath on their own. That's a miracle in my eyes, and my miracle was Lillian Joy.
After returning to my room after the c-section and recovery, I was numb. In more than one sense of the word. Yes, my body was numb from the drugs used in surgery. But my heart was numb. I didn't know what to do, or say. What was right to say or not right to say. I was at a loss.
Soon after being taken to my room, it was time to meet our baby girl. When I first had heard the news that morning, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to see her. But I knew that I had to. After seeing her, I couldn't have had it any way. I needed that time with her, with her and Clif. And I needed the time for closure as well.
The nurse brought Lilly Bean in, wrapped up in a homemade quilt that my mom (GiGi) had made for her. And wearing a "Little Dolly" dress that my parents had bought for her.
I can't even begin to put into words how beautiful my baby was. 5 lbs 9 1/2 ounces. 19.5 inches long. Perfect. Long slender fingers (like her mommys), and her daddys big feet...along with his pouty lips. Mommys nose, all scrunchy like. She looked just like Mommy did when she was a baby.
Ya many people can say that their baby entered the gates of Heaven absolutely perfect.
My baby girl never had to hear a bad word, or say one for that matter. Mommy and Daddy never had to scold her...or discipline her. She never had to spend one second in this nasty ol world. She's the lucky one.
Clif and I spent some time alone with her, crying...laughing through the tears, trying to memorize every little detail of our miracle angel. Our parents came in and we took some pictures (I wish we had taken more) and just spent time with her as a family.
We had her brought to the room one more time after that, which was just as emotional as the first time. I never wanted to let her go.
That night, laying in pain from losing my daughter, and in pain from surgery - it was the worst night of my life. A perfect closing to the worst day of my life. I missed her so much... I was so empty, so broken. But even that night, I let my husband know...I am not mad at God. I do not blame Him. He needed her more than we did...and this was part of His plan for our lives. I didn't like it, and I still don't. But I have accept it.
I can't tell you how many lives that Lilly has touched, and she never breathed one breath on this earth. She has brought our family closer together, not to mention other families close to one another.
After the long day, I was moved to another I wouldn't have to be around other mothers and babies. It was such a long night...everything reminded me of her...
The next morning my next hard task was before me...planning my daughters funeral, and writing her obituary...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

You want me to WHAT?

So after we found out that our Lilly Bean was gone, I had to face delivery. Dr.G recommended that I have her naturally - which had been the plan all along. Though, I was only between 1-2 cm dialated. He told me that they would give me an epidural and any pain meds that I wanted, so that I didn't have to feel any pain. He also told me that it could take anywhere from 8-16 hours, or even more... for me to deliver.
At that point, I told Clif and the doctor that I absolutely COULD NOT have her naturally. No way was I going to labour for HOURS and have no reward in the end. Though, in the long reward was seeing the beautiful daughter that the Lord had blessed us with.
So after being advised by the nurses that I should go ahead with the vaginal birth, the doctor came back in to talk with me. I knew that c-section wasn't going to be good for my body, and I knew that recovery was going to be longer. BUT, mentally I just couldn't. Looking back, I think that I could have done it... but I wouldn't be quite as far down the road of healing as I am. Dr G came back in to talk to me about my final decision, which was, I was having a c-section. Once again, he urged me to do it naturally from a medical point of view. But as someone who cared about my emotional well being, he told me that the c-section would be ok. So...that was it. We waited for the OR to open up, and I was next in line.
I'll never forget that long walk to the room where they would take my baby from me. Yes, I walked. Tears streaming, all alone....I walked.
I had never been in the hospital before.Ever. I had been to the doctor very few times before my prenatal care. So I had absolutely no idea what to expect.
As I walked into the room, I started freaking out more than I already had been. It was huge, machines sitting all around, BRIGHT, and SO cold. The nurse helped me up onto the table as the anesthesiologist came in. He asked me if I wanted some medication for my nerves (he could see that I was about to lose it), so I agreed. He put that into my IV, and then proceeded with my spinal block. That's the last thing that I remember until I woke up in recovery...freezing and itching.
I spent about an hour or so in recovery, and then was wheeled to my room (on labor and delivery floor)where all my friends and family were waiting. After getting was time to see my baby girl. Sweet Lillian Joy...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


For two weeks, at each appointment I thought for sure that Dr G would say, "let's go ahead and induce". At my last appointment before Lillian was born, we scheduled and induction. We were SO excited.I was so excited about getting the baby out of me and into my arms. And getting off the couch was a big plus too!
I was scheduled to go into the hospital on November 13th,09. Early morning. The night before, Clif and I went out to eat (after we made sure it was ok with the dr). We spent our last night together as "non parents". We went to walmart to pick up a few last minute hospital things, and then to my parents house to go rest of for the day to come.
Clif and I fell asleep that night feeling Lilly do flips in my belly. It took me the longest time to fall asleep. I finally dosed off...just to be woken up by my baby at 3:30 the next morning. She was kicking all around in there...I got up, took a shower,
called the hospital to make sure they had room for me, and we were off! We were so excited to get there and meet our baby girl.
We parked the car, signed in and waited to be admitted. Buzzer went off, we went back into an office, checked my hospital bracelet...and I was wheeled to the 13th floor. Labor and delivery.
I'll never forget those next few hours. It was the absoulte worst time in my life. It was supposed to be the happiest day ever, and it ended up being a nightmare. They took me to my room, and gave me a hospital gown to change into. I changed and got in bed...heart racing...SO excited. The day I had dreamt of for months was finally here.
The first nurse came in, asked some routine questions...and then told me they were going to hook up a fetal heartbeat monitor. She put the belt around my belly... and about five minutes later, after trying to find Lilly's heartbeat, she went to find another nurse to try. "Your baby is being stubborn" is what she said to me.
The next nurse came in to try and find the heartbeat...she tried and tried and then admitted that she couldn't find it either. They told me that they were going to call Dr G and see if he was in the hospital yet, and that he probably would want a sonogram ordered. Which he did.
As the sonogram tech was wheeling in the machine, my doctor walked through the door. He started asking me why I had gotten to the hospital early that morning, had I felt bad? No...I was so excited I couldn't sleep...Lilly had woken me up. He asked me if I understood what was happening, I nodded...the lights went off...and the sonogram began.
As soon as I caught glimpse of my sweet baby girl, I knew she was gone forever. I had enough sonograms during my pregnancy to know that the absence of the blinking white dot (her heart) meant that she had already left us.She was gone. My baby was gone...before I even had a chance to meet her...she was gone forever.
As if I didn't already know...after the machine was cut off, Dr G looked at Clif and I and said. "Desiree, I'm sorry but we weren't able to find a heartbeat". My world caved in. Sounds came out of me that I didn't know possible, screams echoed through the room as my husband's world came crashing down around him. Our baby, our world... was gone. Our baby was dead.

Monday, January 4, 2010

God had a plan, and He still does!

There were so many things that happened...that I stressed over, that I was upset about - and now, looking back...I know there was a reason for everything. It all was perfect.
First of all, Clif had worked for a rental company for years - and another job opportunity opened up. He had been in the hiring process for almost three months, and we weren't sure if he was going to get the job or not. Things finally came through and Clif started his new job in mid September. About one month before the doctor took me out of work.
Like, in mid October I went to the doctor, and Dr G told me that the next time that I saw him, that if my blood pressure wasn't down to normal he might take me out of work. So the next appointment came, and sure enough my blood pressure was through the roof! I knew what he was going to tell me before he said it. Of course, he told me no more work for the remainder of my pregnancy. Which, I didn't care in the long run... I mean, that's what was best for me and Lilly too. But I freaked out. I only had five weeks of paid time...and I had planned on staying out of work for nine I would more than likely have to go back to work before planned. We couldn't afford for me to be out of work that long unpaid.
A total "God-Thing" happened financially, and about two weeks before Lilly was born- everything was taken care of. I could stay out on bedrest, stay the nine weeks with Lilly after she was born, and we would still be ok. It was such a blessing.
During the time that I was on bedrest, Clif and I got to spend SO much time together. With his schedule, he only works twelve days a there was a ton of time for us to spend together. It was amazing. We grew even closer during those lasdt few weeks together.
Then another thing, my lifelong best friend and I hadn't spoken or seen each other in a year. God made it possible for Aleisha and I to work out our differences and begin to talk again. I saw her two days before I went into the hospital, it had been almost a year since I had seen her last. That was the same day that I got to meet her beautiful baby girl, that she had given birth to in July.
So many things that God planned out perfectly, that had to happen "just so". And they did. God gave Clif and I the finacial stability to stay out of work for the time needed, He gave Clif and I extra time together before bringing a new life into the world, that we wouldn't have had if it hadn't been for bedrest. He brought Clif and I closer together in our marriage. He healed the broken ties between my best friend and me.
He had a plan for my life, for my husbands life. And he had a plan for our beautiful baby girl. She never took a breath here on earth, but she is continually touching peoples lives all over the US and maybe even beyond. God...thank you for the blessing that You allowed Clif and I for those short ten months. Those times, we will never forget. We will never forget Lillian Joy.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

high blood pressure? really?

So in my eighth month of pregnancy, my blood pressure became out of control. It was through the roof, and no one knew why. By mid October I was on complete bedrest and out of work. It was the worst time ever! I hated not being able to be up and moving around. I spend most of my days on the couch with the laptop or playing cards with my parents and husband. I watched a ton of movies, and way too many shows on HGTV. ha!
Before all of that tho, I managed to finish her nursery and have two baby showers. We got more baby stuff than we had room for! It was such a blessing... we recieved everything that we needed for our precious gift! We were in need of nothing, and only waited for the arrival of our baby girl.
There are so many things, so many memories of her that I will never forget. *smile* Like, the 8 week sonogram when we first saw our "butter bean" on the monitor. When we first heard her heartbeat, how she had us wrapped around her little finger even then. Those first flutters early on at around 16 weeks, waking up to the very first "poke" at 19 weeks. Calling Clif while he was at work to tell him that I had felt the baby kick for the first time.
I'll never forget when Clif felt her kick for the first time!! All the talking and rubbing that he did, especially when Lilly Bean was hurting mommy. I miss the feeling of her doing little cartwheels in my belly, waking me up at night. Feet in my ribs...head rolling down low. Going crazy when mommy ate spicy chicken... amazing how you can have memories of someone you never really knew.
She was my blessing from God though. Throughout my pregnancy,Clif and I became much closer,all because of her. She was an amazing little girl, even though she never took one single breath here on earth...

the beginning...

This is a story about my journey to motherhood. My husband (Clif) and I found out on March 5th, 2009 that we were going to be parents. Some five months later we were told that we were going to have a daughter, a baby girl. And we named her that very day... Lillian Joy Smith. She was due November 9th. She was "born" on November 13th,2009.
Lilly was "stillborn". This is her story...

So,Clif and I married in June of 2007. In April of 2008, when it was time for me to go for my yearly doctors appointment, we decided that we thought it was time to have a baby. Though we hadn't been married for long, a baby had been a desire of both of our hearts for quite some time.
We tried to conceive from April until September with no luck. So finally a friend suggested a doctor to me, and I made an appointment to see what could be done about speeding up the process. As soon as I met the doctor, I absolutely loved him. I knew from the get go, that he really did care about my best interest... and that he would do everything in his power to help me fulfill our dream. So, after my first appointment, Dr.G decided to put me on Clomid, a fertility drug.
I was on this medication October through January. Clif and I conceived our first child in February 2009. I can't even begin to express the joy that filled our hearts the night that we had our first positive pregnancy test.
Clif had been at school, I had been at church. We were leaving for our week long vacation in Texas the next afternoon. He got out of school early that night and arrived at our house about the same time as I did.I had been to the doctor that day, and they had drawn blood so that if the test came back negative, I could get my next round of medications before we left for Texas.
As we were packing some last minute things for our trip, I decided to take a left over pregnancy test...just for kicks. As long as I live, I will never forget the moment that I picked up the pregnancy test after waiting the few minutes you're supposed to. I caught Clif's eyes in the mirror, and at that moment we both knew that in less than nine months, we were going to be "mommy and daddy". Little did we know what God had in store for us.
When I talked to my nurse the next day, she confirmed what we already knew. I was pregnant. Two weeks, to be exact. Most people don't find out they are pregnant until at least one month, but Clif and I were so blessed by finding out early on. I am so thankful for that fact, because we were able to take extra careful measures on our 16 hour road trip to Texas to visit family.
I had an amazing pregnancy, right up until the end. I had no morning sickness, and only suffered with an upset tummy for about a month. I never threw up once during the ten months that Lilly and I spent together.I gained forty pounds over the ten months, which isn't bad for your first pregnancy and for being on bed rest for a month and a half. The only complaint that I had was lower back pain and heartburn (which was explained when I saw her head full of dark brown hair).
Everything went so well until my eighth month of pregnancy...when I started having problems with my blood pressure being high.

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