Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Normalcy?

I find myself asking...will this ever get easier? Will I ever be able to go through a day like "normal" people? Will there ever be a minute that passes that I don't think of my baby girl? Will I ever be able to go into public and not be afraid of running into someone who doesn't know about my loss, or running into someone that has a newborn? Will it ever stop stinging? I think that the answer to most of those questions are "no". But that's ok.
I think that in time, it will get easier. Though, I don't think the healing process will ever be over. Maybe someday on down the road, there will be a minute (I do literally mean a minute) that I don't think of her, but I KNOW that there will never be a day that passes that I don't think of my sweet baby girl.
I have so many of those "moments", flashbacks if you will. Every day I relive the pain...the tragedy. Every little thing reminds me of something to do with that precious little baby...whether it be a newborns cry, commercials on TV, pictures of parents with their babies...pregnant women. The empty spot next to my bed where Lilly's bassinet sat for weeks...EVERYTHING reminds me of her.
I constantly think of her.
I think that some people view our situation as a miscarriage. This was NOTHING like a miscarriage. I mean to take nothing away from mother who have miscarried babies...I know that it must be painful...especially in those early weeks that result in you never even seeing your baby at all. But a baby that is born still is SO much different. Especially in my situation. I mean, I went to the hospital with the plan to bring my baby home. Nothing had been wrong. Her heartbeat had been 150 the day before, which the doctor said was perfect. No one thought that November 13,2009 would turn out like it did. But it did. My Lilly Bean may not have breathed a breath on this earth, but she did live. She lived inside of me for almost ten months. I don't care what doctors or scientists say...they don't understand it til they go through it, she did live. And she did died.
I miss her more every day....with everything within me.But I wouldn't change this experience...I would never want her to have to go through the heartaches of this world. She has changed so many lives... and for that I am forever grateful. I love you Lillian Joy Smith. Forever and for always.

~ Some people dream of angels... I held one ~

3 comments:

JenJen said...

The answer to all your questions is "no." You will never have a day from Nov. 13th to the rest of your life that you won't think about your Lilly. I'm 17 months out from losing my Lily and there isn't a day that I don't long for her to be with me...surprisingly, it gets harder when you have another baby. You always think about the whatifs...

She did live and she will always live on through you talking about her and remembering her ((HUGS))

Suzie said...

As mommies of Angels, we have a "New Normal" We are forever changed. We have to live our lives without our children, something that most do not have to go through, and honestly most do not understand.

Praying for you!

croleyc69 said...

Normal nothing is ever the same. I had 2 micarriages after having 3 children and nothing is normal. There is always more feet that should be running in our home. It still bothers me. I know it's not the same but I have days I wonder what he or she might have looked like. I know my first was a boy but I have days when I wonder. I recently had a little girl and I still have those questions and wonder Why Me ????
I just put my trust in God let him help me try to be normal.
I'm praying for you so much. I want to make something special to remember your Lilly by. If you want email me at ccmomma6@yahoo.com with your address.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline

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