the long ride home...

Clif and I left the hospital on the 15th of November. It was...I don't even know of a word to describe it. I was wheeled down to the lobby, a friend by my side...while Clif went to get our truck. I never thought that I would be leaving the hospital that day without my baby girl. We loaded the truck up with all of my bags, and they sat where her carseat had been. Of course it had been removed to keep from upsetting me...I wish that had worked. It was a very emotional time.
Next stop...pharmacy to get my meds filled. I didn't want to be left alone in the truck, so I went in and Clif pushed me in a wheelchair. Of course I got all kinds of stares...and the door greeter even asked me if I had just gotten out of the hopsital, did I have surgery? And that he hoped I was "ok". No, I was not ok.
Then was the ride home. It seems like it took FOREVER...but then I spotted our road....then our mail box...our driveway...my car...our house. I was sobbing before we even topped the driveway. How heartbreaking to go home, empty handed...to an empty house.
Her room was all ready for her. I had been so excited. Crib was ready, sheets and bumper pads. Clothes washed and put away. Rocking chair in place. Clif painted her room "basic lime" and I hand painted a dandelion on the wall by the window. I made her curtains, complete with butterflies and little jewels put on by hand. Bottles were washed in the kitchen, bassinet all ready in Mommy and Daddy's room. And we had to put it all away.
My parents had already been to our house and de-babied it. I had a mini melt down when I walked inside and saw that the sign that read "Lilly's Room" had been taken down. I didn't want to go in her room at that point, but I did...just so I could have that sign back on her door.
Now, her room sits untouched. I peak in there every now and again... and I've had my "moments" when being overrun with thoughts of her, I go in and sit or lay and just cry. But as of right now, it's still Lilly's room. All of her things are there, and I just plain don't want to move anything. I want it left alone. Yes, the Lord willing, there will be another baby that the room will belong to. But until then, it belongs to Lilly. And I think that's ok.