Wednesday, January 20, 2010

witnessing a miracle, and holding an angel...

I can't tell you how many times I have heard people describe having a baby under certain cirrcumstances as a "miracle". In my opinion... any baby is a miracle. Just the whole idea of growing a baby, giving birth to another human being. Something that (in most cases) can live and breath on their own. That's a miracle in my eyes, and my miracle was Lillian Joy.
After returning to my room after the c-section and recovery, I was numb. In more than one sense of the word. Yes, my body was numb from the drugs used in surgery. But my heart was numb. I didn't know what to do, or say. What was right to say or not right to say. I was at a loss.
Soon after being taken to my room, it was time to meet our baby girl. When I first had heard the news that morning, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to see her. But I knew that I had to. After seeing her, I couldn't have had it any way. I needed that time with her, with her and Clif. And I needed the time for closure as well.
The nurse brought Lilly Bean in, wrapped up in a homemade quilt that my mom (GiGi) had made for her. And wearing a "Little Dolly" dress that my parents had bought for her.
I can't even begin to put into words how beautiful my baby was. 5 lbs 9 1/2 ounces. 19.5 inches long. Perfect. Long slender fingers (like her mommys), and her daddys big feet...along with his pouty lips. Mommys nose, all scrunchy like. She looked just like Mommy did when she was a baby.
Ya many people can say that their baby entered the gates of Heaven absolutely perfect.
My baby girl never had to hear a bad word, or say one for that matter. Mommy and Daddy never had to scold her...or discipline her. She never had to spend one second in this nasty ol world. She's the lucky one.
Clif and I spent some time alone with her, crying...laughing through the tears, trying to memorize every little detail of our miracle angel. Our parents came in and we took some pictures (I wish we had taken more) and just spent time with her as a family.
We had her brought to the room one more time after that, which was just as emotional as the first time. I never wanted to let her go.
That night, laying in pain from losing my daughter, and in pain from surgery - it was the worst night of my life. A perfect closing to the worst day of my life. I missed her so much... I was so empty, so broken. But even that night, I let my husband know...I am not mad at God. I do not blame Him. He needed her more than we did...and this was part of His plan for our lives. I didn't like it, and I still don't. But I have accept it.
I can't tell you how many lives that Lilly has touched, and she never breathed one breath on this earth. She has brought our family closer together, not to mention other families close to one another.
After the long day, I was moved to another I wouldn't have to be around other mothers and babies. It was such a long night...everything reminded me of her...
The next morning my next hard task was before me...planning my daughters funeral, and writing her obituary...


Ashley said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Praying this new year brings you lots of blessings! (here from the Creme)

Lut C. said...

I'm sorry for your devastating loss. There are simply no words.

(Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)

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