Monday, January 25, 2010

my weekend... was a weekend. Ha! It was one of the weirdest times that I've had since we lost Lilly. I had major ups and downs of the emotions...which was no fun!
Saturday was a pretty good day. Got up early, watched some of my dvr'd shows, then took my mother-in-law out to have her hair cut for her birthday! And then went to her house and colored it for her! (It looks really good...she looks so much younger!)
Clif had to work all day, and said that when he got off he wanted to watch a movie and eat take out so we could spend time together. Well, I decided I was gonna make him a huge meal as a surprise. I was excited, and in a good mood! I grilled ribeyes, mashed potatoes, cook scallops, green beans... and had it all ready for him when he walked in the door from work. (btw, he was surprised!)
But when I saw him (for the first time that day) a huge load of emotions smacked me up side the head. =(
My friend that I mentioned before (that had her baby at the end of last week) was home from the hospital. Pictures posted on her facebook page. I was over-joyed that the delivery had gone well... that Mama and Baby were okay. That they were home safe, and happy. So many emotions. One of longing to have a baby of my own (here on earth), a desire to see my friend and her son - but knowing that I can't handle it yet. Wanting to tell her that I love her, and that I miss her...and not to be upset with me...that I am trying my best.
And that was my night. Ate dinner while talking to my husband, the followed by a round of tears. I feel so...I don't even know what the word is.
I am so overwhelmed by the love that has surrounded us in these last few months, not to mention the love of God. I know that He is in control of our lives, and that He does have a plan for us. I believe that no matter when Lilly was born (alive or otherwise) that she would have passed away. Maybe she had health problems that would have haunted her for her whole life? (I'm so thankful that she didn't have to suffer for anything here on earth.) Maybe His plan all along was to let me carry her full term just to bring my husband and I closer to one another. To bring my family back together, like it used to be. To mend a friendship that had been broken between me and my best friend of 15 (?) years. To bring the lost to Him. I don't know what his reasoning's were, but I know that they were and are perfect.
Clif and I are praying daily that God may bless us with another little Baby Smith. Not to replace our beautiful daughter that He already gave us... but to expand our family, and our love. We are praying hardcore that if it be His will, that He may give us a double blessing...TWINS! I can't think of anything that we would love more. But we will be 100% satisfied with whatever He sees fit.


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