Thursday, January 21, 2010

learning to live without Lilly...

It has been a challenge...living without her. I had her in my life for almost ten whole months, I had grown used to her being a part of it. And now she is gone.
Yes, Lilly will live forever in our hearts... but as much as I wish it was, it's just NOT the same. No matter which way you look at it.
The first few weeks following Lillian's death were for the most part, horrible. I did have my good days, but it was SO hard to go on.
The day after her funeral I had to have my staples removed. Added to the list of hardest things to do in my life, walking into that doctors office. *cringes* It was so weird. The first time walking in there since Feb. 2009 that I wasn't pregnant. Weird. Going into the same office, seeing the same people... having people crying and hugging me. It was rough. I think the hardest thing was not having my baby to take with me. Ya know, all the mothers always take their babies to their 6 week checkup so everyone in the doctors office could see the baby that they had been caring for for 9 months. I walked in with a broken heart, and a dozen staples. That's it. Empty handed. Then going into my doctors exam room and sitting on the table that I had sat on a million times...and all he did was talk and remove staples. No measuring...no listening to the heartbeat. That was it. We all cried,the receptionist asked me if I had my baby yet, and what I had (she had no clue) and Clif and I left. And then we cried some more...
All my memories of these last few months are jumbled. Not in order. So forgive me if I back track sometimes.

2 comments:

Trennia said...

my friend it's fine to back track...it means we remember and writing or typing helps us not to lose those precious memories.Keep blogging...you make a difference!

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Thank you so much! :-) it has been a blessing e-mailing, and reading your blog!

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