Tuesday, January 5, 2010


For two weeks, at each appointment I thought for sure that Dr G would say, "let's go ahead and induce". At my last appointment before Lillian was born, we scheduled and induction. We were SO excited.I was so excited about getting the baby out of me and into my arms. And getting off the couch was a big plus too!
I was scheduled to go into the hospital on November 13th,09. Early morning. The night before, Clif and I went out to eat (after we made sure it was ok with the dr). We spent our last night together as "non parents". We went to walmart to pick up a few last minute hospital things, and then to my parents house to go rest of for the day to come.
Clif and I fell asleep that night feeling Lilly do flips in my belly. It took me the longest time to fall asleep. I finally dosed off...just to be woken up by my baby at 3:30 the next morning. She was kicking all around in there...I got up, took a shower,
called the hospital to make sure they had room for me, and we were off! We were so excited to get there and meet our baby girl.
We parked the car, signed in and waited to be admitted. Buzzer went off, we went back into an office, checked in...got my hospital bracelet...and I was wheeled to the 13th floor. Labor and delivery.
I'll never forget those next few hours. It was the absoulte worst time in my life. It was supposed to be the happiest day ever, and it ended up being a nightmare. They took me to my room, and gave me a hospital gown to change into. I changed and got in bed...heart racing...SO excited. The day I had dreamt of for months was finally here.
The first nurse came in, asked some routine questions...and then told me they were going to hook up a fetal heartbeat monitor. She put the belt around my belly... and about five minutes later, after trying to find Lilly's heartbeat, she went to find another nurse to try. "Your baby is being stubborn" is what she said to me.
The next nurse came in to try and find the heartbeat...she tried and tried and then admitted that she couldn't find it either. They told me that they were going to call Dr G and see if he was in the hospital yet, and that he probably would want a sonogram ordered. Which he did.
As the sonogram tech was wheeling in the machine, my doctor walked through the door. He started asking me why I had gotten to the hospital early that morning, had I felt bad? No...I was so excited I couldn't sleep...Lilly had woken me up. He asked me if I understood what was happening, I nodded...the lights went off...and the sonogram began.
As soon as I caught glimpse of my sweet baby girl, I knew she was gone forever. I had enough sonograms during my pregnancy to know that the absence of the blinking white dot (her heart) meant that she had already left us.She was gone. My baby was gone...before I even had a chance to meet her...she was gone forever.
As if I didn't already know...after the machine was cut off, Dr G looked at Clif and I and said. "Desiree, I'm sorry but we weren't able to find a heartbeat". My world caved in. Sounds came out of me that I didn't know possible, screams echoed through the room as my husband's world came crashing down around him. Our baby, our world... was gone. Our baby was dead.


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