Saturday, July 31, 2010

vacation is over :'(

Wow. What a long week. It's been really good for the most part, with a few iffy times in between. :)
All in all it was really good to get away from Virginia for a while. Actually, it was good to get away from everything & everyone for a while. Much needed. I feel semi rejuvenated.
It was a good vacation. Did lots of swimming, beach walking,shell searching, sand sifting, shark tooth finding...eating. I think the thing we did the least was sleep. :) I slept less on vacation than I normally do at home.
I took a ton of pictures and a lot of them are on facebook. I'm sure that I'll post a few here too.
I almost feel guilty for having a good time this week. And I think that feeling hit me yesterday. How could I have a good time after what's happened to me??
Oh well, was much better. Got up early, packed up everything, had lunch with Clif and my parents and then headed to the mall. :) Got some really good ice cream too!
Now we are in the car, on our way home. :( It's a mixed, bittersweet feeling. I definitely don't want to go back to work on Monday...and I don't want Clif to either. I guess that's life though, huh?
Well...I hope that everyone had a good week. :) I'll be back to posting on a regular basis this coming up week. Stay tuned for beach pictures!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

fun in the sun...and sand.

Hello my lovely readers :) Just wanted to say hello from the beach. It's been a great, stress free week. Enjoying the sun and the water...and the shark teeth hunting.

The camping hasn't been horrible, but it's not quite as fun as when I was a kid. We got rained on our first day here and everything got soaked! But no biggie,
 there is a laundry mat at the place where we are camping. Fun stuff.

Hope everyone is having a great week, and will be keeping you in my prayers. Please continue to pray for us as we approach the upcoming cycle. You guys are the best.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Slipped Away...I miss you

I miss you, miss you so bad

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same


I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't


I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same


I had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake

It happened, you passed by

Now your gone, now your gone

There you go, there you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now your gone, now your gone

There you go, there you go,

Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away

Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..

The day you slipped away

Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...

I miss you

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Kenny Chesney Who You'd Be Today (lyrics in description)

Kenny Chesney is probably my least favorite singer out there. But this song speaks the words that I am thinking most days. Below the video are the lyrics to his son, "Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone


It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your *place*(instead of 'love away')
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy


Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

talk about random.

25 totally RaNdOm thing about Desiree...

~Desiree & Aleisha~

1) I was a few ounces shy of ten pounds when I was born.

2) I love shoes.

3) I have two siblings...brothers. They are seventeen and twelve years older than me.

4) I became an aunt the day after my 4th birthday.

5) I painted my fingernails black for the first time today.

6) One of my all time favorite movies is "Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang".

7) I am a recovering Diet Cherry Coke addict.

8) I absolutely hate doing laundry.

9) I am self conscience.

10) My favorite colors are black and pink.

11) I have never flown on a air plane :'(

12) I took piano lessons for twelve years, but haven't touched a piano (for more than a few minutes) for almost five.

13) I love chocolate...a little too much.

14) I have been caffeine free for seven months.

15) I love tattoos.

16) My favorite flower is a lily...and that was before my Lilly.

17) My best friend and I have been friends for fifteen years.

18) I always said that I wanted to marry someone from Texas, and I did.

19) I love to cook (shhh don't tell).

20) I hate drama.

21) I love to write poems, but rarely do anymore.

22) Blogging is therapy to me... no lie (and I love to do it!).

23) My hubby is my best friend.

24) I am a very jealous person.

25) I am supposed to be cleaning and packing...and I'm blogging instead.

Friday, July 23, 2010

even the deer are fertile.

I guess it goes without saying that today was a disaster. It was absolutely horrible. The whole thing that happened with the SDB lady really got to me. I was driving up our driveway and to my right was a deer. A mommy deer...with her little twin babies. Really?? I guess everyone is fertile, except me.
It was the cherry on top of my awful day. Bleh. I'm so done with this day, and can't wait for it to be over with. I can't wait to get out of here and get to the beach. I can't wait to relax for a week, no work...and hopefully no drama.
Y'all don't get me wrong... I'm still keeping my chin's just been a really rough few days. :(
Hope everyone has a great evening...I'm off to lay on the couch, watch lifetime and take a bubble bath.
Tomorrow will be better.

Oh, and a little side note. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last post, but the SDB lady (mom to Lily) told my coworker to tell me that I'd have another baby... that they had lost three babies before they had their rainbow. There is always hope...

cue desiree having a melt down.

Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. I am emotionally exhausted. :( Yesterday with the whole plastering the world wide web with preggo-ness, and then today.
Oh yes, I went to work this morning... with yesterday's not so good day carrying over into today. A lady came in where I work and needed to get in her SDB. She had a young girl and a little baby with her.
Long story short, the baby spit up on her, another lady at the office offered to hold the baby while she cleaned and finished up, and as they were handing off the kid the woman says "This is Lilly, we've waited a long time for her". I lost it right there in front of my coworker and a complete stranger. I excused myself and went and sat in the bathroom floor and sobbed like an idiot.
It was weird. I could not control my emotions. I was talking to myself in my's's a baby...but you're okay. But when the name was mentioned, even though I told the tears they better not come...they did. And all of their relatives came with them. It was bad.
My boss and coworker came and found me, crying....face blood red...hugged me, and made me cry some more. I work with such amazing people. :) So supportive. I love them to death.
I walked it off...drank some cold water, got all the tears out. Confided in a coworker and told her about yesterday and everything that had happened way back when and why I took yesterday so hard. And then came back to work.
I feel horrible because my former boss came in (she's preggo) and I completely ignored her, when normally I would be talking her head off. So not only did I have a minor melt down...I was a witch.
So that's been my day. Fun stuff...can't wait for it to be over with, and for vacation to come.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I will remain calm.

Maybe I am being stupid, and mean. But I don't know how to feel. I'm just...fed up I guess. Please pray that God will comfort my heart and that He would also help me to keep a positive attitude towards this person. I am happy for them and this little life that they are now responsible for...I'm just sad for the lack of a little person in my own life.

I've prayed for their baby already...I'm just hurting so much.

Just what I needed to keep my hormones balanced.

I am going to barf...or pass out...or go off the deep end. I feel like being a drama queen right now. I just found out that someone I know is pregnant, and needless to say...not taking it the best.

What does love look like??

...this was today's daily inspiration with Rev. O. Just wanted to share with you guys!!!

What Does Love Look Like?

1 John 4:8
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

What does love look like? It looks like everything God ever created! It is very simple yet hard at the same time to always show love, but it must happen! If God can look at us every day when we're not showing love and still give us 2nd chances over and over, then who are we to not forgive one another also? When you say you know God, then you know love. Today, show more love!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Talk about dysfunctional ovaries!!

I am exhausted. Seriously, that doctors appointment really wiped me out. Clif and I arrived at 9:45 and checked in. They had to make copies of the book (not exaggerating) that I had to fill out, my insurance card, AND they had to collect more information from me. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was so nervous/anxious about it all.
Now let me just stop here and say that this particular doctors office could send the infertile woman into a state of depression with their magazine collection. Since I was so worked up about being there, I thought that I would pass the time until my appointment with reading a magazine. WRONG. The only magazines that they had were for women who were already pregnant. Seriously. So that's a little messed up that you have all these hopeful women coming into your office who are coming to see you to try and get pregnant and all you have for them to read are magazine full of stuff they won't need to know until AFTER conception? Really?!
Moving on. I met Dr S' nurse, whose name I don't remember. She was really nice, and put me at ease about meeting Dr S. She wasn't too sympathetic when I told her Lilly was stillborn - but then again, some people just don't know how to take it when I tell them. So that's okay.
Next we met Dr S. I really like him, he seems to be genuinely concerned about us and our situation. We went over the basics. How old we are, how long we've been trying to get pregnant, any treatments that I've been through...he asked about my previous pregnancy. That's where it got a little hairy. He asked if I had ever had any surgeries other than my c-section. I told him no, and that's when he asked why I had a c-section. He didn't know. Maybe they don't put stuff like that in your charts. I mean, what are they going to say?? She carried the baby full term plus 4 days and her child is dead? I don't know. Anyways, so I had to tell him (Clif was right there for me, but I did the talking). I had to explain to him that our daughter had died. That we had missed her by less than three hours. It was hard. I cried...a lot. Hardly even making sense to myself, let alone the doctor.
He was very sympathetic, which was nice. He kept apologizing that he didn't know. He was really sweet. He asked questions about the time leading up to November 13th.
After talking for a while he decided that he wanted to do a pelvic exam and a ultrasound (and not the jelly on the belly kind either).<---sorry, that may be a little TMI. Oh well. I wish that I could have captured Clif's expression on camera when he saw what they were doing the ultrasound with. :) It was priceless.
Finally I got dressed and headed back to Dr S office to talk about our game plan. He said that the pelvic exam was normal, but when he did the ultrasound he found that I have tiny cysts all over both ovaries. I've been diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome). Fun stuff.
I've been asked several times if I had it, but the answer has always been no. Until today.
Dr S is the first person who actually explained PCOS to me. He said that each cyst has a small follicle inside (an egg). Since eggs mature and release when ovulation occurs, and I do not ovulate... I am left with these cysts.
So, the game plan. We are waiting until August 1st to see if I start my cycle on my own. If I don't, I will take a pregnancy test and then start provera to start the cycle. I will go back and see Dr S during days 1-4. He will do another ultrasound to see if I have a maturing egg. If I do, he is going to want to give me a shot (ovulation induction??) to force my body to release the egg and ovulate. Next...they want me to go back and they will manually fertilize my eggs. I believe he is also going to put me on another round of Clomid. I am still learning all the lingo, but is this called IUI??
Please begin to pray that this first try will be a "go". It'll use up 3-4 of my 5 paid visits. :) We're trusting God with all of this...
Still looking up!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Lilly's Story on Faces Of Loss...

                     Check out Lilly's Story at Faces of Loss,Faces of Hope!

a special(ist) kinda day.

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have my appointment with Dr S. I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm trusting God that all will go well.
Wanna know something odd? So my insurance isn't going to be paying for my visits with Dr G (my regular OB) but they are going to pay for my specialist visits. Now tell me how that makes sense?? I'm just so thankful that they have agreed to pay for Dr S.
I'm so praying that Dr S may have something up his sleeve...something that may work quickly. :) I know that it's all in God's timing...but I'm starting to get anxious.
If you think of it, please say a prayer for me as I meet with Dr S tomorrow. Pray that God will calm my heart, and that He may give Dr S the wisdom that he needs to deal with my jacked up body!! My appointment is at ten, I'll update sometime after that...
God bless you all.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Hi Gals...I just wanted to take a second and share about an amazing new site that was launched this week. :) It's creator is an amazing lady named Kristin Cook. You can visit her personal blog here.
Her new blogger site is called "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope". Kristin has compiled stories of precious ladies who have experienced loss. Whether it be miscarriage,stillbirth, or infant loss. It's a really amazing site!!
A special thanks to Kristin for coming up with such an awesome idea!!!!
If you or someone you know have experienced a loss such as these women, please visit Kristin's new site and submit a story!! :) And spread the word!!!

Monday, July 19, 2010

25 Reasons I Love You More Than Ice Cream...

  1. You're always there for me.
  2. You don't judge me.
  3. You love me unconditionally.
  4. You're my best friend.
  5. You always tell me what you think,
  6. You provide for me.
  7. You stick up for me (even when you know I'm wrong).
  8. You always kiss me goodnight.
  9. You never let a day pass without telling me that you love me.
  10. You make me laugh.
  11. You are always honest with me.
  12. You care about how I feel.
  13. You love my family.
  14. You stay married to me (lol).
  15. You always know what I need, even when I don't.
  16. You always put others before yourself.
  17. You love children.
  18. You rub my back (all the time!).
  19. You pray with me.
  20. You admit when you are wrong.
  21. You are not proud.
  22. You smile when you see me.
  23. You are you.
  24. You love me for me.
  25. You are the reason I'm a mommy.

a thought.

" Whatever you cannot change has changed you."
~Moboluwaji Raphael Ojo~

Interesting thought, at least I think so. The one thing that I want to change more than anything has changed me more than I ever thought possible.

I love you Lillian Joy Smith!! Thanks for changing my life...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

this is my your own!

Okay...tonight is a rant and rave kinda night. So bare with me please :) There is this person. I like this person. I even love this person. But this person drives me crazy. Possibly worse than any other person has ever driven me crazy. (And no, it's not my husband! hehe)

It seems as every time I "play nice" I get burned over and over again. And frankly, I'm done with it. I don't need the extra drama in my life. It's just not worth it right now.

I feel as if this person says and does things just to see what kind of reaction they can get out of me... and I hate feeling like that. I wish I could tell this person that they shouldn't live their life for me...that they should live it for themselves.

Everything that I do, it's like this person has to do it better. Like I'm in constant competition. And I don't want it to be like this.

Can't I have just one thing that's mine? Can't I do one thing without this person trying to do it better?? Let me have my your own!!

*sigh* I don't want to go into detail about any of it, not even who the person is. I don't know if they would read this or not, and I don't want to give anyone a bad rep. :) This is my place to share my feelings...and that's just what I'm doing tonight. I'm complaining...and sharing my feelings, in a round about way.

I've known this person for what seems like forever, and I don't want to hurt them... but enough is enough. This person can continue to try and mimic my life, I don't care anymore. I like being myself, not someone else. I would think that this person would want their own life as well. Their own unique ideas, and life choices. But if they are not capable of doing so on their own, then I guess I will just have to deal with it. There is nothing that I can do to change it, so I am choosing to ignore it from here on out.

So, that's it. They want to get a rise out of me? They won't. This person thinks that they can cut me down with their words? It's not going to work. They want to be me? Go're crazy for it, but whatever! ha! Think that you can make me hate you because of your actions? Not even close. Wanna know why?? Because I'm bigger than that. And I don't believe that God would want me to have bad feelings towards this person. So I chose to close the door on this relationship, at least for now.

Ah. I feel a little better now. Sorry for being so vague, but I just had to blow off a little steam before I said some mean things that I would regret later.

Please pray that I would keep the right, Christ honoring attitude towards this person. And that God may lay it on their heart not to try and mirror their life after mine (who would want my life?) but that they may want to live their own.

the bottom line...

is that I'm not pregnant. Took a pregnancy test today, and once again I am haunted by the "one liner". It's okay though. We were 99% sure this would be the answer this month anyways. Though, it's still hard to swallow. Ya know?

Drs appointment still on for Wednesday, and we are praying hard that we will be on our way to baby number two by the time our five visits with Dr S are up!

Please pray!!!

he's home

Thanks to all who have prayed for our friend Joe. He came home from the hospital today, but is still in major pain.

Doctors did a cat scan this morning, and the spot that they were in question about yesterday was fine. Praise the Lord!

They have a scheduled consultation on Monday morning with the doctors to talk about his surgery, which should be on either Wednesday or Thursday.

:) He was sent home with plenty of pain he's good to go for now. Please continue to pray as he begins the healing process.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Update on Joe

Joe fell off a ladder, I don't know from how high. He is in the hospital - in pretty rough shape. Clif is with him, his wife, and their daughter now.
Joe's collar bone is completely shattered and will need reconstructive surgery. He also has eight staples in his head. They did a cat scan, and seem to think that they have found something.
I don't know all of the details. I am headed to the hospital to be with everyone and help out with the baby.
Please continue to keep Joe and the family in your prayers. Thanks in advance to you all.

much prayer needed...

Please pray for our friend Joe, father to our goddaughter ("T"). He works for a company that does roofing, and he fell off a ladder early this morning.
Good news is that his back is not broken, bad news is that he's in the hospital (they took him by ambulance) and has a shattered collar bone.
Please please please pray for this family. For a quick, painless recovery for Joe...and for the financial situation of being out of work. I'm sure it's going to be rough. Please just lift them up in your prayers. Will update when I know more.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

i miss coffee. :*(

...had to share this. I haven't had caffeine since December 31st,2009. Not only for fertility reason...but caffeine really isn't good for you. When I saw this, I about peed my pants. :)

#761 We miss you, coffee
Dear Coffee,
I love you. I’m so sorry we keep breaking up and then getting back together again month after month. The Internet and fertility books advise me to limit your presence in my life but I still pine for you so much. One month, I will give you the silent treatment, refusing to even say hello to you in the morning. Another month, I will attempt to limit you and even (gasp!) cheat on you with your not so good-looking decaffeinated half cousin.

During the months I get a negative pregnancy test or Aunt Flow waves hello in my underpants, I return to you quickly. Embracing our previous relationship with cups and cups of caffeine lovin’. Then, the next moment, I may leave you again, running off with your tasteless nemesis - tealatte, teappuccino or even a teamericano. But they just leave a bad after taste. I know it’s okay to see you in moderation but most days I make up my own fertility diet rules and have no idea what or what not to eat. I want you bad. Screw you fertility diet. Screw you!

I am forever your coffee lover.


Dear Mr Obama...our healthcare coverage BLOWS.

Well the nurse called me this morning amidst all the craziness at work (don't even go there) to let me know that Dr G wants me to keep the appointment with Dr S, because my progesterone levels are showing that I didn't ovulate.
*sigh* Kinda figured, but it's still a bummer. I was hoping that there was some slim chance that I did ovulate, and that I could continue to see Dr G for the next month.
Oh my gosh. When Clif and I got home from church last night, my new patient packet was in the mail box. Fun stuff. We are talking PAGES of stuff to fill out. It asks about everything. My parents, their ages... did my mom take certain medications while pregnant with me. Questions about Clif, his social, place of employment, address of number, birth day, whether or not he is the father of my first child. Oh and if he has any children by other women. I mean it's took me about 45 minutes to fill it all out.
Then is scared me. I was reading where it tells you everything that you need to bring to the office visit with you. It asked for a written copy of your insurance company's infertility coverage. Well, I don't have infertility coverage. Eek! It said that if I was self pay that the initial consultation with Dr S would be anywhere from $458-526!! Are you serious?
When "J" called me this morning I asked her if I still needed to get the benefit list from my insurance company, and she said that she had already sent the referral to Dr S's office. Since they are in the same network they can look up my file and see that my insurance has agreed to pay for five visits. So that's a little bit of a relief, but for some reason I am still worried that something is going to go wrong. :(
A friend of mine emailed me and we were talking about how there is all kind of help for people who pop out babies all the time (and half the time they don't even want the baby). But what about those of us who have insurance and WANT to have a baby...there should be some kind of financial type thing that we can sign up for! Geez...Obama really needs to get with it. I need better health care coverage!! And ya know, it's becoming more common for women to need help with getting pregnant. At least the ones that PLAN it. :) So there definitely should be something for people like me. my soap box now. It's been a stressful ever sense of the word.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My Redeemer Lives...

"I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth"
~Job 19:25 (NIV)~

Just wanted to share this verse, and this song. I know that my redeemer lives...


Reason #742 to laugh at infertility

#742 You’re not Infertile

You are not infertile. After you’ve been trying for over a year, your doctor classifies you as infertile; wikipedia says you’re having infertility issues and Doctor Google and the rest of the Internet says you’re a definite infertile.

But you are not infertile. Change the name already.

1.You are pregnancy-challenged.

2.Uterusly Slow.

3.Ovulationally Delayed.

4.Ovary Oppressive.

5.You’re suffering from Cervical Mucus Confusion.

6.You have a Fallopian misunderstanding.

7.You’re a Fertile Freak with Low Embryo Energy.

8.Your Follicles are Frozen.

But you are definitely NOT infertile. It WILL happen.


Yup. That's me! :) Ha!

Blood drawn to check progesterone levels...check.

Transvaginal ultrasound...check. (doesn't even make me nervous anymore, I'm just I am, do your thing!)

Met my new nurse "J" and told her my story...check.

Doctors office visit with Dr G...check check.

This morning was a little stressful/emotional. For some odd unknown reason I was really nervous about my appointment this morning. So to make a long story short, I had a mini panic attack in the waiting room. It was actually pretty bad. At least ten times worse than the ones that I've been having. Weird.

I guess everything went well, I was just emotional. I'm so ready for all of this to be over with. I just want the end results without all the work. Ha! It's just really hard and SO emotionally and physically draining.

I met my new nurse "J" this morning. I really liked her. Fresh out of school, and a really sweet. :) So that made me happy! I loved "S", but "J" is younger and I think that she'll better fit me.
She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was okay, aside from the panic attacks. She asked me if I knew what was causing them (duh...but she's new), so I had to explain to her that our daughter was stillborn. I really hate that term, and I don't know why. She then told me that she completely understood... that she had been on Clomid to get pregnant, got pregnant with twins and lost them at 26 weeks. She took Clomid again after that and got pregnant with her son. :) So we had a little in common...which helps.

Office visit with Dr G went pretty good. He said the ultrasound looked good, ovaries look good... no cysts. Which really isn't good but whatever. Since they were clean,I am going to assume that I didn't ovulate. But we'll know for sure tomorrow...well, I take that that back we'll know for sure when I take a test and it comes back negative.

My office visit with Dr S is still on for next Wednesday morning at 10:00. I'm a little nervous about it, but so thankful that it fell on a day that Clif is off from work!

On the up side of things, when I checked out and paid my copay...they gave me my receipt and normally where it's been saying "infertile" or "anovulation" it said "other ovarian dysfunction" - hence my blog title choice for the day. I just chuckled because I feel SO dysfunctional. :)

Also, I talked to Dr G about my anxiety/panic attacks...and he said that the beta blockers that Dr W gave me (omg...way too many doctors here!!) will be fine to take. And that it would be okay if I took them while I was pregnant. He said that you can pretty much take anything for the first five weeks of pregnancy. It's week 5-11 that are crucial because babies organs are being formed. So I'm thinking that I will start taking the bb's in the morning. Just to take the edge off of this anxiety.

Another thing on the up side. "J" told me this morning that she had been trying to find out if my insurance would pay for the visits with Dr S. She said that she had put in for five visits, but she was hoping for at least one. I told her that Clif and I had already figured that we would be footing the bill all ourselves. About ten minutes after I left the office, "J" called me to let me know that she had finally heard back from the insurance company and they had agreed to pay for five visits. Thank you Lord!! What an answer to prayer... made me feel SO much better. And took a lot little of the stress off.

I guess we'll know in just a few short days whether or not I will need to keep my appointment with Dr S (specialist). I'm praying that I won't need to meet him...but I'm fearful that I will. Lord help me.

Thanks to everyone who has remembered me in their prayers. You guys are the best, and I am so very blessed to have you all in my life (one way or another).

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

another month passes...

Eight months. 241 days. By this time of the day exactly eight months ago... I was surrounded by friends and family in my spacious room on the labor & delivery floor.

                               I was still in shock...and in a way, think I still am.

I can still see the heartbreak written on everyone's faces. This is something you hear about happening to people you've never met. This type of thing isn't supposed to happen to people that you know...people that you love. Babies don't die...

        But in reality, this does happen to those we love. And babies do die...without warning, without reason.

My heart is so full of grief and pain... it's so hard to handles some days. Today is one of those days. I just want to go back home and crawl into bed...and sleep. Sleep my life away. But I know I can't. I've gotta face this...and I have to deal with it.

Though my heart is still full of pain, I do have hope. Hope for a future. Hope for happiness. And a hope that Lillian's life will continue to touch lives of others. Lives of others that I love and care for. That her story might bring people to Christ. Maybe her story will teach parents to really appreciate the lives of their children.

My Lilly Bean has changed people in a big way. I'm so proud of that.

But I still hurt. No matter how proud, or how many lives her little life touches... I still ache inside. Today, just like any other hard.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away...

I was driving to work this morning. I was actually running late, and as I was scanning through the radio stations a sermon caught my ear. Oddly enough I actually listened to it. I never listen to radio preachers. Never have. But this pastor (don't even know who he was) was preaching on the book of Job. Here are the verses that he read:

Job 3:11-13

Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb? Why were there knees to receive me and breast that I might be nursed? For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest.

Wow. I'm glad that I'm not the only person who has thought these words. I sometimes think, why in the world was I born? If God knew the things I would be tested with, why didn't He just take my life.

Check out some of the things that Job went through when he was tested....

Job 4:8-21

8 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." 9 "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. 10 "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. 11 But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face." 12 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."

Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD. 13 One day when Job's sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, 14 a messenger came to Job and said, "The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15 and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!" 16 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!" 17 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!" 18 While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, "Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!" 20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

Job had his oxen and donkeys stolen, his sheep and servants were engulfed in flames, the Chaldean's took his camels,and wind collapsed the house where his family resided. His family was dead. His life as he knew it was over.

This is how I felt for SO long now. I feel like my life is over, like I have nothing to live for...even though I know I do. It's hard coping after you lose a child. I'd never wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

The trials that Job faced were not for his benefit alone, it was for ours also, that God led the man from Uz through the humbling interrogation (Job 38-41). We, like Job, can lose sight of "who God is" while suffering. But when we encounter God in the world and in the Word, we are reassured that God is the Powerful Creator, and the perfect Ruler.

That morning Job had been a wealthy man with many things, and then he was stripped of all his possessions. By the end of the day he had nothing, and no one but God.After everything that Job went through, in the end... he PRAISED GOD! Job knelt before the Lord and worshiped Him.

What an amazing example that Job has set before us all.

This may not make any sense at all...but it was just refreshing for me to hear this story over again. Much needed....

Monday, July 12, 2010

garden of lilies

:) My mommy made a lily garden at her house. These just bloomed this weekend.

thank You Jesus!!

Okay, so here is a little "up" to my otherwise lackadaisical day. My nurse "J" called a while ago and left a message to call her back to give her my insurance information so that she can forward it to the specialists office.

When I called her back she told me that she wanted to go ahead and get them as much information as possible to make it easier on me. And also so they can have all my info to bill my insurance company, to see how much they would cover. I mentioned that I doubted that they would cover ANY of it. "J" said that they are not coding it as "infertile" that their reason that they have to give the insurance company is just that I don't ovulate.

This may seem like a stupid request, but please please please (if you think of me) say a prayer that since things are being coded this way that my insurance may at least pay a portion of the crazy bill I am sure that I will get. :)

Oh please oh please let this work out...

Copied from #999 reasons to laugh at infertility.

#741 The Best Places to Cry about Infertility

Infertility really is fun. One moment you feel sane and happy and the next, you’re hormonal and crying in front of your 25 year old male boss.

Once you start the infertility journey, you soon discover that you will have frequent mental and emotional breakdowns. Perhaps you are the type of person who is seemingly strong and put together but enter infertility, and you become an emotional wreck and a hormonal nightmare. You are now able to tear up on cue. You see a newborn baby in a restaurant – cue the tears. You walk into the toilet like a normal person who simply needs to pee. You step out of that toilet with tears and snot running down your face and a maxi pad in hand.

So if you’re going to have a weekly (daily) emotional breakdown, why not choose some great crying locations! If Dave Letterman had a top ten reasons list of the best places to cry about infertility in public, here’s what they would be….

1.At your workplace. It’s nice to attend meetings, conference calls and client meetings with tears streaming down your face.

2.On vacation. You are enjoying a relaxing vacation with your husband and you suddenly start crying randomly after seeing a pregnant woman. Trip=ruined.

3.During your transvaginal wand fertility appointment. The great part is your RE might not even know you’re sobbing while she is busy looking in a downward direction.

4.At a baby shower. The baby shower is a fantastic place to lose it. There is so many screaming kids there, no one will even hear you have an emotional breakdown in the guest of honors bathroom.

5.In a public pool. Water and tears run down your face without notice and the chlorine will make your eyes turn red anyways.

6.In front of a maternity clothing store. People will just think you’re a hormonal pregnant woman (just without the bump).

7.In a movie theater. It’s dark and no one can see you. If you’re watching The Notebook, everyone will understand why you’re crying.

8.While driving. You are not supposed to text and drive but there’s no law that says you can’t cry about infertility and drive a car.

9.The airport. Especially if you are traveling to your fertility appointment!

10.When answering a call from a telemarketer. Click.

Click here to read more!!

*Nine Months Later*

*Nine Months Later*

Our dreams for you began in March of that year.
Dreams of who you would be.
Thoughts of beginning our parenting career,
Who would you look like - Daddy or me?
The months passed by quick,
And we learned we were having a baby girl!
We fell more in love with you with every little kick,
As we filled the nights with talk of pink ribbons and curls.
Daddy painted your room "Lilly Bean" green,
And Mommy added the finishing touches.
With everything ready we became excited about a baby coming on the scene.
Nine months later, one cool November day,
It was time to meet you, to see your sweet face.
Before time came to see you - you had already slipped away.
We still ache for your, Sweet Lilly - but we rest in knowing you're in a better place.
So rest in the arms of Jesus in Heaven my child...
Until Mommy and Daddy can meet you there.

celebration & heartache....

This coming up weekend Clif and I are attending our goddaughters first birthday party. I love this little girl SO much, and can't wait to celebrate her special day.
But I've come to the realization that it's going to be a tough day. Bittersweet. I'm so happy for our friends, that they have a healthy and happy baby girl. But it's so hard knowing that in just four short months we would have been planning a special party of our own.
Now all we have to look forward to (if that's what you want to call it) is getting out of town for a week in November.
I'm torn as to what I should do. I don't want the day to pass like it's nothing... but I don't know what to do to honor her on her birthday.
*sigh* I never expected to have to worry about these things. Ever. I expected to be happy. To be dealing with the every day "mommy" things.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


I found this picture on my computer today, and after my "my husband rocks" post I just had to share it.

This picture is from our honeymoon in Tennessee. :) LOVE it. It's one of my absolute favorites.

I love pictures. You should see my house, I'm telling you... I have pictures everywhere!! I even have a small picture of Clif and myself at my kitchen sink to see while I'm washing dishes. Pictures are awesome documentation of memories. Like this picture for instance.

It was taken on our first full day of our honeymoon. We went to a place called Jose's (something like that) and it was the most disgusting food ever. It was horrible. ha! We spent like $40.00 on dinner that day, and didn't even eat the food. It was a great time together though. Our first "good" meal while on our honeymoon was McDonald's. in love with my hubby, Clif. Thanks for being who you are baby, never change...for anyone. <3

my husband rocks!

can i just say how much i love my husband? :) of course, i always love my hubby. but last night - it just really hit me all over again how much i really love him. he takes such good care of me, and loves me unconditionally. and i SO don't deserve it.

he works so hard to make a good life for me, and he's done an amazing job at it thus far...and i know that he will continue to do so.

:) he is even picking up an extra twelve hour shift tomorrow so he can make some extra money for vacation. how sweet. he's giving up going fishing with buddies to do so. he's pretty awesome if you ask me.

so yeah, i don't say it enough - and i just wanted to make it publicly known that i love my hubby...with all my heart. :)

Friday, July 9, 2010


" There is no testimony without the test."

Just saw this on a fellow bloggers page and had to post it. This is SO true. Because of the "test" I have been given I  have an awesome testimony. A story to help others. God always has a plan...

I love when people brighten my day...

:) My best friend and goddaughter stopped in to see me at work today. Really just made my day,especially with everything that I've dealt with today.
I love you Aleisha and Trinity!!!

Update on test.

Well I talked with my nurse. She didn't really have much to say to me either, so she said that she'd talk to Dr G and give me a call back.

They want to draw blood again on Wednesday, do a sono, and have an office visit with Dr G. He suggested to my nurse ("J") that she go ahead and call the specialist and set up an appointment. He "has a few more tricks up his sleeve". I feel like crying, actually...currently, I'm trying not to.

It just seems that the odds are against me. I get my hopes up just to get them shattered again. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can handle.

So basically, Wednesday is going to be another $300.00. Which brings my total up to oh I don't know, $1,000.00? We are still trying to get them to recode the rest of them (Clif will be calling them on Monday).

I guess I'll have to call and see how the specialist works, and if my insurance doesn't work, how much is a consultation with him cost me. And I'll be trying to convince my husband to take a day off to go to the specialist with me.

Before she called I was actually kind of hopeful that I had ovulated, though I was pretty sure I hadn't. She did tell me that it's still possible that I did ovulate...just "not very well".

I read somewhere about ovulation induction. I wonder how much that would cost?? I'd like to give that a shot if it didn't cost me an arm and a leg.

Who knows, right now I'm just shattered. I don't want to have to go to a specialist. I want my body to be normal...I want it to do the things it's supposed to. But it doesn't matter what I want, this is the way it is and I am just going to have to deal with it. Whether I like it or not.


*sigh* Okay, so I called my doctors office this morning to find out the results of my progesterone test. I talked to "S" the lab tech who took my blood. She said that my progesterone was .84 I asked if that means that I ovulated, and she was real shady about it. She said that she really wasn't sure...and asked if I had a appointment set up with Dr.G. I told her that it's next Wednesday, and she said that he would talk to me about it then. But according to her, she doesn't think I ovulated. She does blood tests for a living, how could she not know. Is she seeing something that I'm not and doesn't want to be the one to tell me?? Or is it that she really doesn't know? Geez... I hate this cycle that my life seems to be stuck in.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Oh deer...I know somebody famous. least youtube famous. :) Below is a video of my bestest guy friend (ever!) getting LICKED by a deer. How cool is this?

a little bit fishy. our household we normally eat beef or chicken. :) Tonight we are going to give Tilapia a shot. If it turns out good, I will have to post the recipe!! Wish me luck...I don't think I've ever cooked fish that isn't breaded. ha!

Anybody ever cook rock fish? Is this like rock bass? I don't know...I bought some and am kinda iffy on trying it.

Thought for the day...

"Fear is forward. No one is afraid of yesterday"
~Renata Adler~
Seriously beginning to love the "thought for the day" in the newspaper. :) This was in there a few days ago. And how true??!!
I've already made it through all the's all the tomorrows that I'm scared of. Hmm.

Going down?

Yup I am pretty certain that today is pity party day. :/ I don't want to feel like this, but unfortunately, today I do.

There's nothing that I can do about it.

I went to the doctor's first thing this morning. Just to get blood drawn. They couldn't fit me in to do my sonogram until next Wednesday. So now we wait. I'll call back tomorrow to get the progesterone results, which I'm pretty sure will not be the results that I want. According to the monitor, I did not ovulate this month.

The only little bit of hope that I have is that my ovaries have been hurting, like cycle cramping almost. That's a good sign, right? I mean...the first day I started testing it said low fertility, and then it went up to high fertility. Maybe that was my peak? I don't know... I'm just in a "blah" state of mind today.

I'm trying to keep my chin up, and have faith. But it's just hard. I'm trying not to get too impatient. I know that God will bless our life when He is ready to do so. It's just hard accepting that His plans are not always identical for ours.

I don't want to have to go to a fertility specialist. Dr G told me that he didn't anticipate any problems with me getting pregnant on Clomid a second time. I know he's not God... but I trust him, and I guess that he just got my hopes up.

We're going to the beach the last week of this month. I was hoping that plans wouldn't work out and we would have to stay home. Ya see, Clif and I agreed that if I got pregnant this month that we would not be going on vacation. Reason being that I don't want to travel.

The day after I found out I was pregnant with Lilly we left for Texas. I was terrified as we made the almost 20 hour trip...without stopping to stay anywhere. And I don't want to do that again.

But it looks like we'll be going. We'll be gone a week. While I love the beach and look forward to it, I really didn't want to be able to go this year. Another case of counting my chickens before they hatch, huh?

I know and have witnessed the amazing things that God can do. And I know that He has plans for my life...for our life. And I know that He had a plan in motion for us when Lilly went to be with Him. He knew that her short life within me would be used, and it has. And continues to be.

Not many mommies can say that their babies have touched the lives of people all around the world, but I can. And I am so proud.

dream with a hint of nightmare.

I had a dream. A really bad one. It was weird though, even though it was was slightly comforting.

It was the day Lilly died and we brought her home. She still died in the dream, and I relived all of that. But we took her home with us. Which oddly enough, in real life the hospital said that we could have taken her with us. I think that would have been disrespectful.

Anyways...I won't go into detail about the dream because several aspects of it were just right down disturbing. But I woke up sad,depressed,angry, heartbroken with a tinge of happy. It was one of the weirdest feelings I've had in a long time.

Will it ever stop? The 13th of this month will be eight months since she died. That's almost long enough to carry & birth a second baby. But I'm not. My womb is still empty, right along with my heart.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

a little bit blah.

I'm a little bit stressed, and my heart is a little heavy...but God is good, all the time. I know that He will see me through this too.
It's day 16 of my cycle, and still no eggie on the monitory. Though, with Clomid I could ovulate late. My left ovary was hurting yesterday, so maybe that's a good sign? I don't know... I'm just a little disheartened. I had so many hopes for Clomid round three. :( God has a plan, and I know He does! It's just so hard to say that sometimes.
I've gotta quit this stressing though because it's making my heart act up again. I still haven't taken any of the beta blockers, I just don't want to. I hate taking medicine, and I didn't want to do anything that would hurt my chances of becoming pregnant this month. A lot a good that did, huh?
On to another equally stressful subject...I checked the mail Wednesday night, and there was a bill from Carilion. Fun stuff. $388.00. I haven't even called yet, I doubt that they want to deal with a crying, blubbering idiot. I am not least not in my head. But then again Dr G has my charts coded as "anovulation" which, the definition of that it pretty much dead on...and it's a common cause of infertility. :(
I'm just so disappointed...I'm aching on the inside to be given what so many people HAVE and don't want.And I'm scared. What if I can't get pregnant again?
I know that there are other options...and Dr G will eventually send me to a fertility specialist. I know that there are some other medications that the specialist can try, and then there is always IVF. But isn't that like extremely expensive?
The government hands out money to women who pop out kids without thinking, so why won't they hand out some money to those who are trying with all that they have to become pregnant, but can't because of financial limitation.
I seriously just want to SCREAM. But I won't. I'll remain calm, and I'll keep praying for God to bless us with another baby. I know that His will will be fulfilled in my life, whatever it may be.
As for the holiday weekend, today we are spending the day with friends and family celebrating my cousins JBs (actually, Clif's cousin...but I claim him too sometimes) 21st birthday. :) Tonight is the big UFC fight, tomorrow morning is church...then lunch at my moms house and then Clif and I are taking a drive to go meet my friend (former boss) at a carnival. I'm going to try to make the most of our weekend together. Monday is sleeping in, house cleaning, and then a cook out with my family at the parents house.
Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th!

Total Pageviews

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved