Saturday, May 29, 2010

A beautiful lady named Angie Smith...

So I went to Lifeway last night and bought Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You".

It's a book about her fourth daughter, Audrey Caroline who only lived here on earth for a little over two hours.

I got home about 9:00-9:30, and read until 12:00 or so. I'm about 1/2-3/4 of the way done with this book.

God has given Angie a gift, writing. Her words are absolutely beautiful, and so was her precious daughter.

I smiled while reading...and I also cried. A lot. Looking at the pictures that she had printed within the pages, it was absolutely heartbreaking.
Reading words that were so similar to my own, and hearing the innocence of things her sweet girls had to say about their feelings.

Her husband may be "famous" (Todd, lead singer of Selah). But they are "normal" just like us. Angie and Todd went through the things that many of us have had to face.

Sweet little Audrey has changed so many lives, touched them. And let me just say that Audrey and her Mommy have touched my heart. :)

Friday, May 28, 2010

a little heated...but cooling off more by the minute.

Edit: I started typing this yesterday, but didn't get done. :) So today is really yesterday.

Wow. Today has not been a good day. I don't know how much more my heart can take. No, I take that back. I know that God will not give me more than I can handle, or better yet, more than He can give me the strength to handle.

Anyways, today is day 21 of my I had an appointment this morning at 8:15. :( Way to start my morning out.

The sonogram went well. Ovaries look good, no cysts to be found. Which is good, because it means that they're not covered like they have been in the past...but it's bad because when you ovulate, there should be a small cyst that forms on your ovary. Mine had none. Which I had semi prepared myself for, because the fertility monitor never said that I ovulated. It just read "high fertility" all month.

He said that if I did not ovulate this month, that he will call in my Clomid and up it to 150mg. That's what I got pregnant on the first time. And Clif and I were talking the other day and I don't remember if I got pregnant on the third or fourth round. I'm pretty sure it was the third, and I know it was on the 150mg.

As Dr G was getting ready to leave the room, he was like, "you're probably wondering what happens if you don't get pregnant after a few more months of Clomid". I was like, yeah kinda. He said that after a few more months, if I don't become pregnant... he wants to send me to a fertility specialist.

Which is all fine and dandy, but I know my insurance won't cover that. :(

Dr G did say that he doesn't anticipate any problems with me getting pregnant by the Clomid. He seems to think that in the next few months, the 150mg will do the trick.

So you guys say a prayer for me that all will go well.

Physically, everything went "okay". But financially, not so much.

Remember a while back when I posted about how I called the insurance company to see why they didn't cover my last visit and they told me that my plan did not cover female infertility?

Well, I received a bill for almost three hundred dollars the other day. THEN today, I was going to talk to the billing department located at my office...but when Dr G gave me my papers to go and have my blood drawn - I looked on there, and Dr G is the one who is coding it as INFERTILITY!

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs: I AM NOT INFERTILE. I WAS JUST PREGNANT SIX AND A HALF MONTHS AGO.

Here is the definition of infertile:

1. Not fertile; unproductive or barren.
2. Biology
a. Not capable of initiating, sustaining, or supporting reproduction.
b. Not fertilized and hence incapable of growing and developing.
3. Not capable of sustaining crops or vegetation.
4. Unproductive or producing little.

**sigh** It's been an emotional/stressful day. I mean. What do ya do? I want to get pregnant, and I don't ovulate on my own. So I have to see a doctor. Well, it costs me three hundred bucks a pop to see the doctor.

:( I am hoping that when open enrollment for insurance opens at work in November that the company I work for offers a plan that covers infertility. Meanwhile we are checking with Clif's employer to see if they have a plan that would cover it, and if so...could I be added to his.

Clif did call the billing department, and the lady was in class. Surprise surprise, that's where she was the LAST time we called. The receptionist was very concerned that this is how my chart was being coded, and was surprised that the doctor is the one that has been coding it that way. She told Clif that the billing lady will call me on Tuesday, and if she doesn't call me by mid call her. We will see, please pray along these lines.
That my insurance would cover my treatments with Dr G, and that if it is His will, I will not need to meet the Fertility Specialist.

On top of all this, I was getting ready for lunch and two people...which I used to call "friend" walk by my office with their son.

They know I work there, and I'm sure they were trying to make a point. Neither have spoken to me or my husband for quite some time. I still really don't know what the issue is between all of us. Except for the fact that it is painful for me to be around her, for reasons I won't go into.

As I was driving down the street headed to pay a bill, there they sat on the sidewalk at a smoothie place near by. I'm almost certain that they saw me. But no acknowledgement.

I just wish that we could all grow up and be adults about things. I'm reminded numerous times a day about the child I had to say goodbye to, and I don't need to feel guilty about that.

I do have to say that it's been drama free the last while, since they are not talking to me. But I also believe that this is not what God wants from any of us. We are brother's and sister's in Christ...and we should not be acting like children.

My wish is that people would just accept me. I'm not asking anyone to understand me, and I pray that no one will ever have to feel these feelings. But I do ask people to accept me. Accept that I am STILL grieving after six months. No one can tell me when to get over it, or when I should move on. Just love me, pray for me, and accept me for who this situation has caused me to become.

And on that note, I think that I'm doing pretty good. I could be a lot worse off. I know people who have gone through my situation that has cut off everyone, quit jobs. I have heard of people divorcing, going off the deep end. I think I have remained pretty "normal" through this.

I strive to make it through everyday life. I am trying my best to make the most of everyday. And I believe that I have...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

blessed beyond measure...

We truly are.
Just feeling blessed today, in so many different aspects of life.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Lift Us Up To Fall...

:) Okay,excuse me while I babble for a few minutes.

I shared the definition of "rainbow baby" a few posts back.

November 13th,2009 is when my "storm" began. I chose to "praise Him in our storm".

Rain (comes from the word Rainbow).

Rainbows appear after the storm. Not promising that there will never be another storm in your life, but promise all the same.

So rain/rainbows have very special meaning to me now.

Several months ago, I wrote about a quote that I found...or rather a quote that found me. I wrote about it here.

Today I was riding down the road, listening to my Tenth Avenue North CD, and heard this song.
It gave me goose bumps and almost made me was SO fitting. And SO what I needed to hear today.

~Lift Us Up To Fall~
You move the earth, You hold the stars
Come move in us, Come hold our hearts
You send the rain, And life begins
So rain on us and reign within our lives again
We're waiting here, Waiting for you God
With our hopes and fears...We come empty hands held out
Lord draw us near, Heal these broken hearts
And lift us up to fall before everything you are
You lift the sun into the sky, You lift us up Open our eyes
To see your face...And what you've done
You took the nails to give us love, And we stand in awe before your throne
There's no where else that we can go, We're waiting here
Waiting for you God...With our hopes and fears
We come empty hands held out...Lord draw us near
Heal these broken hearts, And lift us up to fall before everything you are
Come O Come Emmanuel...Come Lord Here to dwell
Let all your children lift one voice, We're waiting here
Waiting for you God...With our hopes and fears
We come empty hands held out, Lord draw us near
Heal these broken hearts...And lift us up to fall before everything you are
We're waiting here...Waiting for you God
With our hopes and fears, We come empty hands held out
Lord draw us near...Heal these broken hearts
And lift us up to fall before everything you are

Monday, May 24, 2010


..."Be joyful in hope,patient in affliction,faithful in prayer"...
~Romans 12:12~

**** So this is my facebook status tonight. Even though my hubby is at work, and I have been left alone at home with my mind. I have been unexpectedly uplifted tonight.
I have followed Angie Smith's blog off and on for a while. But I didn't really know her story until recently. :) It all started with hearing the song, "I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)" By Selah over on a blogger friends (Rose) blog...and then it led to like an hour of youtube listening to the song, watching the video of precious Audrey Caroline, and then watching videos from Crosspoint Church, featuring Angie and her husband.
I just want to say it was heartbreaking yet SO uplifting. I feel so encouraged. Hopeful even.
Angie just gave birth to her Rainbow Baby on May 19th, a beautiful little baby girl, Charlotte. :) There is hope.
I am vowing to remain joyful & hopeful, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. I know that God will bless. It may not be in the the time frame I want, and the blessing may not be what or how I want it... BUT... I know that His way is perfect.****

And the winners are...'s been a crazy weekend. :) Long and...well, we won't even go there. But all in all, it was good.

It's time to reveal the two winners!!! When I went to read all the comments, I was like.... uh how do I chose? So I did the old school, pick a name out of the hat.

Winners are:
Caroline (The Croley Gang) and

Betty (That Corgi)

Congrats ladies!! Please email me ( with the addresses you would like these mailed to!

Thanks to all for participating in my giveaway! Hope you all had a great weekend

Friday, May 21, 2010

awaiting my rainbow...

"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I am trying not to get down in the dumps, and most of the time I succeed. It's hard, but God is good...and He continues to help me along the way.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Today is cycle day 14, and still no little eggie on the monitor. :( There are still a few days left that I could possibly ovulate, but who knows. Then again, because of the Clomid maybe I already have? I don't know. It's just frustrating.

~ * ~ * ~

I just finished taking my second round of Clomid. I'm hopeful, but I am scared of getting my hopes crushed. Know what I mean?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

As I said before, I got pregnant with Lilly on my third round... 150mg. I was only on 100mg last week. :) We shall see.

~ * ~
i want another baby...
~ * ~ * ~
Not to replace her, not to take away the pain...but a baby to care for, a baby to shower my love upon.
I am broken, I am hopeful...and I am waiting. :)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

accomplishment :)

Not tooting my own horn here at all, but I had to share this...just because it made me smile SO much.

Today hasn't been a horrible day, not even really a bad day. I guess it's been an "OK" day. Whatever. :)

There is this older guy that comes into the bank every Thursday to cash his pay check. He must be a construction worker because he's always dirty. He wears a doorag, and has tattoos on his fingers.

Even though he is older, I can't help but view him as child like. He is SUPER shy. And from what I can tell, doesn't have much of an education.

He always comes to my window. I always greet him, and ask him how he is doing. Every single time I have waited on him, when I ask "How are ya?" he has ALWAYS replied with, "uh huh". I ask him if he wants particular denominations...he shakes his head. I thank him, and he either says "uh huh" or "thanks".

Well, today he walks in. I smile, say "Hello, can I help you?". He walked up to my window just like any other Thursday. I asked him the usual, "How are ya?"...he SMILED, said that he was tired, and asked me how I was doing. When I told him that I sympathized with him about being tired, he went on to tell me that I got to sit in a chair all day while he has to run up and down steps. THEN he tells me that he had a heart attack a while back... a 98% blockage, and that it really scared him. AND that the doctor keeps telling him to slow down or he will have another.

All this came from a guy that never says more that "uh huh" and "thank you"...and he was talking my ear off. :) Made me grin, and feel like I had accomplished something. He was brought out of his shell, and it made me happy!!!

Hope everyone is having a Happy Thursday!!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

~ His Promises Remain ~

It's hard to untangle all the thoughts in my head. There are hundreds of them bouncing around in there.

I wanted to talk about my post that I made earlier, you can view it by clicking

I bought Tenth Avenue North's CD about a month ago. I have had it in the CD player a few times, but it wasn't until the last week or so that I really began listening to the CD. Really listening. These guys deliver so many great messages with their songs.

"Hold My Heart" has very special meaning to me.

I find myself asking, "how long, God"? I am human, and I am impatient.
I am trying to work on that. I have said a million times before, and I will say again...

God has plans for me and my family!!!

I believe that.

God does notice me, and He knows that I am hurting. His plans are to prosper me, and not to harm me.

The verse that really hits home with me is:

"...I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away, before I say goodbye
But if there is no other way, I am done asking why"
I am afraid, but I know that He holds my future. So much HAS slipped away, but I can honestly say that I have stopped asking WHY. This is God's will for my life, for mine and Clif's lives...and I accept it.
"...One life is all I am, right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart?"
He is everything that he says He is. And He continues to hold my heart closely. :) I wouldn't be where I am in my grieving process without Him.
No, I'm not over it. I'm not over her. But I never will be. But I am learning to live with my pain. :)
God loves me, my husband, and my Lilly Bean. And He holds my heart...
"...So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see, but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name"

Lord, will You hold my heart?

~Hold My Heart~

How long must I pray must I pray to You
How long must I wait must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father will You turn to me yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father will You run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

**~Tenth Avenue North~**

Monday, May 17, 2010

sick and tired...tired and sick.

So I am going to complain a little. :) I don't know what's wrong with me... but I am sick. And it stinks. And on top of that, it's Monday. I hate Monday's. haha!
Man reading that sentence back to myself, I really sound like a brat. BUT, let me start with yesterday...

Yesterday I woke up in a good mood. I felt good, I was light hearted...I just felt good. It's been a really long time since I felt like that. I was excited, even though it was WEIRD. :) I even told Clif about it.

Our second open house was yesterday, and though I was pleased by the outcome, I was upset all the same. First let me say, there was only one couple that came to look at the house. But they stayed for an hour and a half, and really liked the house. Their plans (as of last night) was to put their house on the market, and put a contract on our house saying if they sell within so many days they will buy our house. So that's a blessing. Not really getting my hopes up on this, but it would be awesome if everything worked out.

Now the not so good side of things. Clif worked all day yesterday, and I was at my parents house.
I went home before going back for evening service at church, and found that the Realtors had left the TV on, left food out on the counter, uncovered...AND...(the thing that really upset me) the nursery door was left open.

Don't get me's not like I can't handle going in her room. I do quite often. It's almost a comfort. Her wreath from the hospital hangs on the door, along with the sign I bought in September that says "Lilly's Room". I love her room. When I think of her room, I don't want it to become a place that I can just go into without thinking about it. I don't want to take away from how special it is to me. I don't want it to become common.

Our realtor knows us. His in laws went to chruch with us. He knows that our daughter died, and HOW she died. We told him in the beginning that I was going to have a hard time with letting people go in her room, that if we sold the house, it would be hard leaving it behind. And we also told them that I refuse to make any changes in that room. I will not paint the wall. I will not pack her things up. At least, not until I absolutely have to that is.

First of all, I found it very disrespectful. Second, unprofessional. Maybe I'm being dramatic... maybe I'm not. But this is how I feel about it. It upset me. Needless to say, if we don't sell our house before the six month contract is up - we will not be signing another contract with them.

Needless to say, my Clomid must have finally caught up with my emotions. Last night was horrible, which really upset me because I had been feeling SO good about everything JUST yesterday MORNING. But boy did it change. I won't go into detail, but it was bad. Really bad. :(
I'm at a loss on so many different levels.

Mucinex. :) Yup, I got some. Funny, a fellow blogger told me that I should take Mucinex several days leading up to when I should ovulate. Well, I decided to check with my pharmacist yesterday and see if it would counteract with my Clomid. He said it wouldn't, so I went for it. Funny how I bought it to help with ovulation and fertility, and I get sick the same day. My throat is raw, my nose is eyes are dry. I have a headache and, frankly I feel like poop. :)

But it's Monday... I have a ton of stuff to get done on Monday's. We're still down a staff member, and last weeks problems carried into this week. I couldn't call in. So that's that. Had to go to work, and I just felt like complaining a little bit.

:) Still keeping my chin up, and looking's just a little harder to do today. Maybe the rain is putting a damper on my mood?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

100th Post & 1st Giveaway!!

**Drum rolls** is finally here, my one hundredth post!!! YAY!

:) Ok, I'm done now. ha! But I have been really excited about this post, and the giveaway.

Remember the post a few days ago "the most bitter cup I've ever had to drink", or something along those line? Well, Clif and I had been talking about what in the world I could use for my giveaway. I wanted it to be something special to my heart. I wanted to use something that could help others.

SO, after writing that post and emailing the author of the book I spoke of,

it hit me! Why not buy a couple copies of the book and give THOSE away?

So I emailed Pastor Don and asked him how to go about it, and he came back saying that he would donate two books in memory of his grandson who was born still a few months ago! :) How amazing is that!?!

I received the books in the mail yesterday, just in time for the 100th post!

I want to make sure that you all understand that this book is not just pertaining to death. It could be any "bitter cup" that you are facing in your life. :) Just take the book, read it, and apply it to your situation... I promise that if you are open, then you will be blessed!

Here's what you do. It's really simple. 1) Follow Me :), 2) Comment and tell me what your favorite Bible verse is, and why it is special to you, and 3) Pray for me.

I'll leave this open until Friday, then I will announce the winners. As I said, I have two copies...and they have both been signed by the author, Dr. Don Woodard.

I want to take a second and say a big thank you to Pastor Don for donating these books in memory of his precious little grandson. :) What a blessing your book has been to my life/healing, and I can't wait to share it with others!!!

Let the comments begin...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

a little discouraged, but still looking up.

Wow. That's pretty much all I have to say right now. :) On one hand I feel like throwing in the towel. This is too stressful, to emotional...and too painful. Add expensive to that equation, you blame me? could I quit now? After God has blessed me so much...after He has given so much, supported us. Loved us. How could I just stop trying now?

"I know the plans I have for you..."

These are the only comforting words that I have right now. I know that God has a plan for mine and Clif's life. And I hope and pray that a baby is included in His future for us. :)

If you are reading this and think that I am writing about you, I can assure you that I'm not. It's just life in general that's getting me down. I know that it's the devil trying to make me stumble, and I refuse to let him.

Clif and I went to the NC Zoo last weekend, as I had mentioned before. During our day there, we saw at minimum 50 pregnant women. That was hard. Not really because they were pregnant, but because I'm not. Does that make sense? I don't have any BAD feelings towards those who God has blessed with children, it just makes me want another one even more. Ya know?

I hope that I'm not coming across as rude, or resentful. :) Just sharing my feelings... and no, I'm not giving up...I am gonna keep on keeping on.
I am on my second round of Clomid as we speak. And I'm emotional, which probably explains the majority of this post. I am still using the fertility monitor as well. So if you think about it, just say a prayer for me...that God may bless us with another little bundle of joy.
I am looking up, and waiting for great things to happen in our lives. He has plans for us!! And I can't wait for those plans to finally begin to unfold...

Friday, May 14, 2010

...yup, i'm a blogworm.

I forget who said it, but a while back someone said "An hour used to be a long time until they invented internet." AMEN!

The last few nights, I have been fooling around on the internet and several HOURS have flown by. I mean on Wednesday I got home at like 1:45 and at 5:00, Clif is like, "are you going to get off of there so we can go to your moms?" :)

I have found SO many blogs that have been extremely uplifting (at least for my situation) these last few days and I can't stop reading them!! So many women out there that have been through similar things, and just to see God working in their lives...and blessing them with more children... it's just been really good for me.

Also, I have to mention that last night when I was making a post or reading one... I saw something on the side bar about getting your blog printed into a book! How cool is that? I really really want one. I'm almost up to 100 posts, and it would just be so cool. :) So I think hubby is going to get me one.

Speaking of 100 posts, be sure to keep an eye out for my very first giveaway! :) I'm so excited about doing one!!

Hope everyone has a wonderfully blessed weekend.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


my current facebook status.... "I am hopeful"

...and i'm not just saying that. I am hopeful. I refuse to give up hope, I will not let Satan win on this one.

I know that God has a plan for our lives. I believe that He isn't done with us yet.

God truly is good, ALL THE TIME!

How can anyone disagree with that?

"...for I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you..."

I can't help that these words are constantly in my heart. I am thankful that they are. These are the words that get me through the day...days like today when I could have easily thrown in the towel. Days when I just don't want to go on.

i miss her.
i love her.
i want her back.
I accept that I can't have her back here with me, but it doesn't change the feelings that are threatening to take over me today. was not a good day.
... but I am praying that tomorrow will be better.
~ Happy six months in Heaven baby girl. Mommy and Daddy love you more than anyone could ever begin to imagine. Lilly, let Sweet Jesus hold you, till mom and dad can hold you... you just have Heaven before we do ~
*In loving memory of my beautiful & perfect baby girl, Lillian Joy Smith. Born still 11-13-10*

182 days later....

It's been six months, and I am at a loss for words. Six months since I said goodbye to my precious baby girl...
I said goodbye to her before I got to say hello. That's really hard for me to wrap my mind around. Hard to accept, but I do.
And even more than that, I am heartbroken for Clif. He didn't get to experience the things that I did for almost ten months. :( I got to be nauseous for the first 10 weeks, I got to feel the first flutters at the catfish ponds (haha...yes, Clif says that she moved because she was excited about fishing). I felt the first kick, she woke ME up...there are so many things that I shared with Lilly that Clif will never know anything about. And that kills me.
I miss her more than anything in the world. I love her more than life itself. She will always be a part of me.
And six months later, here I am... my heart aching just as much as ever.
I miss you Lillian Joy...and I love you with all my heart.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the most bitter cup i've ever had to drink...

Tomorrow will mark six months since my baby girl went to be with Jesus. Lillian Joy's death has been the bitter cup that I've been drinking from...

A few weeks after she passed away, a local pastor contacted me via facebook. He asked if it would be okay if he sent me a book that he wrote. It's called, "When the Will of God is a Bitter Cup". It's written by Dr.Don Woodard.

There are SO many things in this book that have helped me. I have truly enjoyed reading it.

With the six month anniversary of Lilly's home going coming up, and the constant reminder of the pain that I live... I thought that it would be fitting to share a few things with you all.

There are several chapters that when I read them, it was like this book was written just for me.

One chapter talks about how it's okay if you don't like the bitter cup. God has a purpose for our lives, and though I don't know His purpose for this bitter cup in my life... I trust Him with it. And believe me... I don't like it for one second. With every breath I take, I wish that my little girl was here with me. But I know that this is His will, and that there is something great in store for my life.

Next, God cares that I am hurting!! There isn't a single aspect of my life that God doesn't know about. And he cares that this is tearing me up inside. He loves me. He has given Clif and I strength that I never thought possible...and continues to give that strength to us on a daily basis. :) I continue to choose to praise Him in this storm.

Then there were two chapters that kinda walked hand in hand about how we can't be critical of those who don't understand what we are going through... how we can't be upset with them because their lives are going good (or at least it seems), because one day they may have a bitter cup of their own. It also talks about how we should not retaliate against people who don't understand. At the end of this chapter, Dr. Woodard makes a good point. Saying that our friends may begin to be critical of our situation and try to analyze our situation, make accusations, and maybe even betray us! He gives us a reminder though, saying to remember what our Saviour did when he was betrayed. He didn't retaliate or attack those people who betrayed him, he called them "friend".

This isn't even close to being all that spoke to me in the book, but I just had to share it. :) I think that I have shared some from this book before, but I was actually just emailing the author of this book today...telling him about how the book spoke to me, and thanking him for sending it to me...
and looking through the book and refreshing my memory, so many things popped out that I wanted to share.

I will close with this:

~And God Said~

I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, "I know."
I said, "God, I cry a lot."
And God said, "This is why I gave you tears."
I said, "God I am so depressed."
And God said, "That is why I gave you sunshine"
I said, "God, life is so hard."
And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "God my loved one died."
God said, "So did mine."

I said, "God it's such a loss."
And God said, "I saw mine nailed to a cross."
I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "God, where are they now?"
And God said, "Mine is on my right, and yours is in the light."
I said, "God it hurts."
And God said, "I know."

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

**everything happens for a reason**

:) Ever feel like you come across things like this just a the right time??? I was googling "happy life quotes" and this was one that popped up.
Everything DOES happen for a reason. And I am choosing to continue to laugh at the confusion, and smile through the tears.God is so good, and I continue to believe that He has great plans for my life.
Currently, I know about a billion people that are pregnant. :/ I'm sorting through this, and it's hard. But I'm praying that God will help me to get past these feelings. I'm trying not to be jealous. I am so incredibly happy for them (you) all. I just want that too, ya know?
All in good timing...all in GOD'S timing! We are continuing to pray that God will bless us with another baby(s) SOON, and that He will give Dr.G the wisdom that he needs to understand my crazy body!!
:) Did I mention in my last post that I got to start using the fertility monitor that my friend, "A" got from her friend? I'm excited. I am just praying that my body decides to ovulate this month!! :) We shall see.
Please do me a favor and pray for my blogger friend Trennia's granddaughter who is in the hospital. :( Trennia, please know that I am praying for your precious little grand baby!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

a little bit of change.

Well...I have mixed feelings on a few things. :) First off, let me say that on our way to NC on Saturday I got a really sharp pain in my stomach. We got to the zoo, went to the bathroom before heading in, and SURPRISE... my "friend" was there for her monthly visit. A day EARLY. Weird... I hadn't even finished my Provera yet, but there it was! So I was happy that it came early, because I was expecting to have to wait another week like I did last month...but it was kinda crappy in the sense that we were getting ready to spend the whole day walking around in the hot sun! Oh well, we had a blast...and cramping was minimal.
I get to start my Clomid on Wednesday, which I am excited about. Also, I'm looking forward to using the fertility monitor. Hopefully both will do some good. We are praying (as always) that this will be our last round of Clomid for a while. BUT...we know that everything will happen according to God's will for our lives.
:) So I called my doctors office to speak to my nurse today. I always call on day one of my cycle (cept it was a weekend this time, so I had to wait till today) so she can schedule my sonogram and office visit...and don't forget labs.
We scheduled my appointment for 8:15am on the 28th of this month. She told me that she wasn't going to see me at this visit, and wished me the best. ???? I thought that she was going on vacation...NOPE...she is... RETIRING. :( How sad. I've been seeing her for almost two years now. She knows me...well, half way...and half of the time. But now I am going to have to break a whole new person in. How exciting. It's okay though, I'm sure whoever they hire will be good.... it just sucks that I am having to switch people. I am a creature of habit and I have enjoyed Nurse "S".
Ah, that reminds me. If you are reading this, and I have referred to you as a letter (like "A"), and that offends you...please let me know. I use this method so that complete strangers won't know who you are. <--- I had someone think that this revealed them to the world, which is actually what I was trying to prevent.
:) I just want to take a second and say that I am happy the drama is over. I'm done with it, and it feels good!!! The less stress, the better. Stress is SO not a good thing when trying to make a baby!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today wasn't horrible, but I definitely glad that it's over. I woke up late this morning, so I was rushing around to get ready for church. I asked Clif to get my medication out of my purse, and he told me that he couldn't find it. :) I went to get it, and inside I found a Mother's Day card (too sweet) and a bracelet. It's similar to a Pandora bracelet, but it's different. It's actually the one that I had said that I liked, I saw it at the jewelers that we always deal with. Anywho... he bought me three beads to get it started. One with Lilly's birthstone, one that says "daughter" and a little dangly one with an "L". I absolutely love it. After he took me out for lunch, we went back to the mall and he bought me eight more beads. :) He's the best.
Church this morning was tough. Real tough. I was "okay" this morning at home, teared up when Clif gave me my gift...but I made it through. But as soon as I walked into church and saw everyone that loved and cared about me, I struggled to hold it together. Then, we always have all the mothers go up front, and then everyone in the congregation can stand up and say something about the mothers. I didn't want to go up, but my friend Aleisha told me that if I didn't get up there that she would kick my butt. So I did. :) It was hard, I kept my head down...trying not to cry. Then my husband (did I mention he was the best) got up and said something about me, and how he was thankful that though Lilly wasn't here long, that God allowed me to be her mother. And of course my parents had something to say about everything. Everyone in the church was SO supportive. I love my church family so very much. They're all praying for me, and praying that I will get pregnant soon...and they are also praying for TWINS. haha...all of them.
I did sob at some points, but all in all it was on "okay" day. I am mentally,
emotionally, and physically exhausted. But I have made it through. :) Now I am going to lay in bed and watch TV with my honey...and go to sleep.
We did go to the zoo yesterday, I'll have to post on that soon. It was a busy day today, and is going to be a crazy day tomorrow!
To my babyloss mommy friends, I hope that each and every one of you had a peaceful day full of hope and love. God bless each and every one of you. Never give up hope, God has a plan for us all.

Thursday, May 6, 2010 name is Desiree, I'm 22 years old. That's an adult.

I have tried to be adult about this. I've tried to be civil, and I have tried my darnedest to be Christ-like. But enough is enough. Let me just give you a quick sum up of what I will NOT do because I am upset with someone:

Because I am an adult I will not:

~I will not talk about you directly or indirectly...especially when I KNOW that you will know I'm talking about you. Unless you talk about me first, then it's fair game.
~I will not kick you off my blog because I have my panties in a wad. I think I got over this when I was like five.
~I will not block you from my facebook...again, we grew up like...what? 12 years ago?
~I will not say that I don't tell people about personal issues that we have with one another, and then turn around and say that you have had people praying with you on the subject. That's called contradiction.
~I won't ask my husband who has HAD a blog start posting about "stupid people" the night after we have a spat.
~I will not run to the first person who will listen when we do have an argument.
~And last but not least I will not try to steal your current friends right out from underneath you.

I'm a little upset. Can you tell? Let me expand a bit.

I am a Christian, and since strengthening my walk with God - I strive to be Christ-like. I try to treat people the way that I would want to be treated. I try to treat my friends with respect.
I am upset because a friend of mine has done the above list to me. I refuse to be angry, and I refuse to lash back in an non Christian manner. I will not stoop this low.
I will continue to pray for this person, and pray that one day God will restore the friendship that is constantly being ripped to shreds because of actions such as these.
I am thankful for everything the Lord has blessed me with. Everything. I am most thankful for my salvation, thankful for a wonderful, godly husband that leads me along, and thankful for the beautiful daughter that was given to me, and taken away.
I am thankful for the friends that He has blessed me with. The old, the new...all of them. And I am thankful for the friends that I can't physically be around right now. Just because my daughter died, and I can't be around you doesn't mean that I still don't love you beyond belief.
I'm sorry that there have been things that have happened that I cannot possibly control, and I am sorry that some people don't understand. But this is me. These are the cards that I have been dealt, and I am continually trying to learn how to make it through this life.
I have been faced with a lot in the last six months, and I would think that a friend would not understand it, but accept it. Support me, even if they are not able to be close.
I don't expect anyone to change their lives for me. That wouldn't be fair, and I never would ask. I enjoy hearing about what's going on with people who have been blessed with children, but some days I have a hard time swallowing it. Those are called "bad days", and in some shape or form...we all have those days.
No matter what, I will faithfully pray for this friend. Pray that God may touch their heart, soften it even...and that one day they will view me as a friend again.
But I can't lose sleep over this, I can't dwell on it. I will make myself sick, and dwelling on it would take time and attention off my walk. And I just can't do that. I wish it were different, but I won't beg.
I've tried explaining myself till I am blue in the face, now I just have to put it in His hands. Let go, and let God...

phantom of my uterus & female infertility

So you're probably thinking, what a post!? could say that alright! :)
First things first. Last night when we checked the mail, there was an "explanation of benefits" from Anthem. It was for my doctors visit, and sonogram on the 22nd of April. Normally, I pay forty dollars when I go for the sono, and then get billed for thirty. Well, this explanation said that Anthem didn't pay anything. That I was going to owe $265.00. Um.. WHAT?
I called first thing this morning, thinking that this was a misprint or something. I finally get a live person and tell her what the deal is, then she informs me that my plan does not cover FEMALE INFERTILITY! Really? Because the doctor has never told me that I am infertile, and believe it or not I was pregnant just six short months ago. So no. I'm not infertile, and I know that she was just a phone answering little person, BUT, I didn't appreciate her saying that.
Needless to say, I cried the whole way to Radford today. :( It was bad. Ya see, I get a sonogram done monthly to check my ovaries. So, I was convinced that I was going off my meds, and that there would be no baby anywhere in my near future.
My most awesome hubby called my doctors office while I was at work, and they connected him with the billing center. Funny how Carilion hasn't even heard anything from the insurance company yet - but the lady is going to call them on Monday, and then call me. She said that if they opt not to cover it, that they can recode it and then resubmit it. Thank you Lord for answered prayers!
As for the phantom? Call me crazy, don't believe me... I don't care. I am still experiencing phantom kicks. It's been almost six months, but sometimes I swear you'd think that there was still a living baby inside of me.
It's the weirdest feeling ever. I'm sure that anyone that has carried a baby past twenty weeks remembers the first time that you felt your baby kick, and how it was weird but awesome at the same time. It's even weirder feeling those things, and know that there is nothing in there. No one in there.
It's actually quite depressing. I try not to let it get me down, but I've felt a lot of these "kicks" the last few days. Especially today :(
Well, this was my "good" post of the day, next comes my interesting one.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

bittersweetness BLOWS.

I don't want it to be Mother's Day weekend...not that I really have much say in the matter. :( I thought that I was semi looking forward to it, but no. I am completely dreading it, and I wish there was no such thing. At least not this year.
I'm sick of hearing about what one person thinks that their husband may get them, I am DONE hearing about countdowns...about how everyone is so excited. I'm sorry to be a downer...but I don't want it to come. Or I don't want to be here when it does.
I thought I was going to be okay with it, but Clif and I started talking about it last night, and I lost it. I cried for probably over an hour. Just laying in bed...heartbroken.
Contrary to what some people may think, this is my second Mother's Day.
I believe in life at conception, Lilly was alive for Mother's Day last year. Last year I celebrated. Last year I was excited. This year I am in pieces.
Clif and I are going out of town Saturday, to the NC zoo. I wish that we could just stay there for the whole weekend. It's just too much to handle, too much to face. :( But I have to face it. We both have Mother's that deserve to be celebrated...I can't be selfish, even though I am sure that they would understand.
I don't want to go out to dinner either. We always do this, but this year - I don't want to. I'm afraid of people asking if I'm a mother...and if so, where is my kid?
I'm afraid of being recognized at my church, for being a mother...even though my child is in Heaven. I'm afraid of my reaction, of making a fool of myself.
I already accept that I am going to have a rough weekend, and I am already praying that God will put his arm around me...especially on Sunday. That I can just hold it together.
I miss her so much, I want much. I hurt....SO much. I want to be with her...
I say that Mother's Day is bittersweet. Sweet, because even though my precious Lillian is in Heaven...I am still her mommy. And I proud to own that title. Bitter because just that, she's in Heaven and I am here on earth without her. Empty handed, and broken hearted.
Bittersweetness BLOWS. :) But I am so thankful that I have God in my life, and that I have not been bitter...
Sorry for the whine session, but I just had to get it out. I am hurting, and this's not going away as easily.


Will you gals do me a favor and make a comment on this post? I think something was up with my comments button. :) Hopefully it is fixed now.

Thanks! :) Post to come later.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Isn't He wonderful? Wonderful isn't He?

It's been a weird past few days, and I have a feeling that a lot more are coming my way! But that's okay...
I feel like my faith is being tested. I feel as if God is putting "things" in my path, just to see how I will react to them.
Ever had an argument and just been at a complete loss for words? That's how I feel. I have SO many things swimming around in my head... and I want to get them out into words, but when I try people just end up letting me have it.
So I have given it over to God. I have chosen to keep my words inside, and not worry about things that I cannot control. I realize that I can't control what people think about me...and if you know me, you know that I'm not one to worry about what people think of me. I take pride in being an individual who thinks for herself.
I have entirely to much going on in my life right now to worry with things that I cannot change. I mean, I have SO much.
Clif and I are still TTC, he is getting back into the swing of his job, I am learning the ins and outs of my new job... Mother's Day and Father's Day are coming up soon, and with that comes a lot of emotions...not to mention that it's coming up on six months since Lilly went home to be with Jesus.
It's just a LOT going on, and it's overwhelming at times. I just don't have time for DRAMA. :)
I know that this is all jumbled, but this is just how my heart feels right now.
There is just so much on my heart and mind. Can I just give you guys a few prayer requests to pray for?

~For the "G" family as they celebrate the short life of "A" tomorrow, at her funeral.

~For Clif and I as we are TTC again this month, it's a long emotional road... but I know that God is going to work wonders in our life.

~For a situation that's going on in my life with a friend...or at least, I still view this person as a friend...but I'm pretty sure they don't view me this way anymore. Pray for understanding, for both parties.

~Pray for drama within my family. That it may be handled Christ like, and that things will work themselves out. No, that God will work these things out...and that all parties involved will be accepting of His perfect will.

~Pray for a gentleman that we know, he is in the hospital and has MS. He isn't doing so well...just pray that God would give him relief from the pain that he is feeling. And pray for his wife and two kids, also pray for their salvation.

~Pray for two very special friends who may be facing some potential life changing options. Pray that God will give them the guidance to take the right path...and pray that hopefully it will be that path that I would want for them (<haha okay that might be a little selfish)

~Pray for one of my best friends who I have been disconnected from for the last few years...pray that this person will return to not necessarily our church, but that this person may chose one and worship. Also, pray that our friendship may be restored. :) It has started to, but it's still not where it used to be growing up - and I desperately miss them.

~Please pray for the "F" family, the "A" family and the "G" family as I am sure most of them are still grieving their losses (of babies) in some way. Pray for those of them that are TTC once again, or will be in the future.

Please just pray that God's will may be done in each and everyone of these situations.
How awesome is the power of prayer? I am so thankful that the Lord has saved me, and that I have an open line of communication with Him, whenever I want. Isn't HE wonderful?

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