Friday, May 28, 2010

a little heated...but cooling off more by the minute.

Edit: I started typing this yesterday, but didn't get done. :) So today is really yesterday.

Wow. Today has not been a good day. I don't know how much more my heart can take. No, I take that back. I know that God will not give me more than I can handle, or better yet, more than He can give me the strength to handle.



Anyways, today is day 21 of my cycle...so I had an appointment this morning at 8:15. :( Way to start my morning out.



The sonogram went well. Ovaries look good, no cysts to be found. Which is good, because it means that they're not covered like they have been in the past...but it's bad because when you ovulate, there should be a small cyst that forms on your ovary. Mine had none. Which I had semi prepared myself for, because the fertility monitor never said that I ovulated. It just read "high fertility" all month.



He said that if I did not ovulate this month, that he will call in my Clomid and up it to 150mg. That's what I got pregnant on the first time. And Clif and I were talking the other day and I don't remember if I got pregnant on the third or fourth round. I'm pretty sure it was the third, and I know it was on the 150mg.



As Dr G was getting ready to leave the room, he was like, "you're probably wondering what happens if you don't get pregnant after a few more months of Clomid". I was like, yeah kinda. He said that after a few more months, if I don't become pregnant... he wants to send me to a fertility specialist.



Which is all fine and dandy, but I know my insurance won't cover that. :(



Dr G did say that he doesn't anticipate any problems with me getting pregnant by the Clomid. He seems to think that in the next few months, the 150mg will do the trick.



So you guys say a prayer for me that all will go well.



Physically, everything went "okay". But financially, not so much.



Remember a while back when I posted about how I called the insurance company to see why they didn't cover my last visit and they told me that my plan did not cover female infertility?



Well, I received a bill for almost three hundred dollars the other day. THEN today, I was going to talk to the billing department located at my office...but when Dr G gave me my papers to go and have my blood drawn - I looked on there, and Dr G is the one who is coding it as INFERTILITY!



I just want to scream at the top of my lungs: I AM NOT INFERTILE. I WAS JUST PREGNANT SIX AND A HALF MONTHS AGO.



Here is the definition of infertile:



1. Not fertile; unproductive or barren.
2. Biology
a. Not capable of initiating, sustaining, or supporting reproduction.
b. Not fertilized and hence incapable of growing and developing.
3. Not capable of sustaining crops or vegetation.
4. Unproductive or producing little.




**sigh** It's been an emotional/stressful day. I mean. What do ya do? I want to get pregnant, and I don't ovulate on my own. So I have to see a doctor. Well, it costs me three hundred bucks a pop to see the doctor.



:( I am hoping that when open enrollment for insurance opens at work in November that the company I work for offers a plan that covers infertility. Meanwhile we are checking with Clif's employer to see if they have a plan that would cover it, and if so...could I be added to his.



Clif did call the billing department, and the lady was in class. Surprise surprise, that's where she was the LAST time we called. The receptionist was very concerned that this is how my chart was being coded, and was surprised that the doctor is the one that has been coding it that way. She told Clif that the billing lady will call me on Tuesday, and if she doesn't call me by mid day...to call her. We will see, please pray along these lines.
That my insurance would cover my treatments with Dr G, and that if it is His will, I will not need to meet the Fertility Specialist.

On top of all this, I was getting ready for lunch and two people...which I used to call "friend" walk by my office with their son.

They know I work there, and I'm sure they were trying to make a point. Neither have spoken to me or my husband for quite some time. I still really don't know what the issue is between all of us. Except for the fact that it is painful for me to be around her, for reasons I won't go into.

As I was driving down the street headed to pay a bill, there they sat on the sidewalk at a smoothie place near by. I'm almost certain that they saw me. But no acknowledgement.

I just wish that we could all grow up and be adults about things. I'm reminded numerous times a day about the child I had to say goodbye to, and I don't need to feel guilty about that.

I do have to say that it's been drama free the last while, since they are not talking to me. But I also believe that this is not what God wants from any of us. We are brother's and sister's in Christ...and we should not be acting like children.

My wish is that people would just accept me. I'm not asking anyone to understand me, and I pray that no one will ever have to feel these feelings. But I do ask people to accept me. Accept that I am STILL grieving after six months. No one can tell me when to get over it, or when I should move on. Just love me, pray for me, and accept me for who this situation has caused me to become.

And on that note, I think that I'm doing pretty good. I could be a lot worse off. I know people who have gone through my situation that has cut off everyone, quit jobs. I have heard of people divorcing, going off the deep end. I think I have remained pretty "normal" through this.

I strive to make it through everyday life. I am trying my best to make the most of everyday. And I believe that I have...

7 comments:

Allyson Shockley said...

You are awesome Des and anyone that doesn't see that, well it's their loss! :) I'm so happy for you and I'll continue to pray that God's plan is what you have in mind. I love you so much! If you ever need anything you know I'm here for you!

croleyc69 said...

I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I do pray for you so much. I know what it is like to want a child so bad. I can remember all my trips to the Dr and things not working out. I'm praying for all stages of this the money, you and the child you so much want. I missed you and was just thinking yesterday I hope things are going ok for you. Just know that even though I'm miles away and I only know you on here I will listen.
Praying right now and I care for you just like you are a very strong woman and Momma to a angel.

{{HUGS}}
Caroline

That corgi :) said...

everyone grieves on their own time table. it might take you a longer time or shorter time than another person, but no one should expect you to be "over" something in any period of time. And unless someone has walked down the same path as you, they shouldn't even think you should be over something like losing Lilly in a said period of time. They have no idea the grieving you and Clif are doing unless they walk in those shoes themselves. I think you are doing the best you can and I think you are doing all you can to glorify the Lord through this too. I hope coding can be done correctly for your insurance to cover your doctor visits. It is frustrating that insurance companies won't cover aspects of treatment to help people conceive. Will continue to pray for you

betty

elena said...

I think people tend to have their own perception of what grieving should look like and then try to fit us to that mold. It is unfair and unjust as we all grieve differently. I wish people would just accept that fact. You are grieving your way which is healthy for you because it is just that, your way. I am so sorry the financial aspect of it all is not ideal and I will continue to pray for you during this time.

love and *hugs*
elena

klarsen said...

He is always in control. I know sometimes we just want so badly to see where He is leading us, but in His time we will know. I am praying for you and your husband and for His will in your lives. I pray for peace for the journey. Always here if you need a friend. xxx

Arander said...

Des,
I'm sorry the situation with your 'friend' has not improved. Just thinking about losing either one of my children sends me into hysterics and I am POSITIVE that I would not be as strong as you have managed to be, even at your weakest moments.

The fact that your 'friend' cannot understand the deep emotional pain that you are in is sad, and that beyond not understanding they are actually parading their son around you is just unacceptable. Maybe that's not what was going on, and maybe I'm getting all defensive for no reason... but sometimes we have to consider that maybe just maybe a situation is not worth salvaging.

I hope the billing lady gets everything straightened out so that your insurance will cover your dr.s visits and I'm praying that God will bless you with your rainbow baby sooner rather than later.
Love you girl!

Holly said...

I wonder why he is coding it that way when you're insurance doesn't cover it. Hmmm. That def needs fixed! I'm sure there are other ways to get it coded so that they will pay. You don't need to stress about how to pay for it!!

Praying that the 150 will work for you.

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