Wednesday, May 5, 2010

bittersweetness BLOWS.

I don't want it to be Mother's Day weekend...not that I really have much say in the matter. :( I thought that I was semi looking forward to it, but no. I am completely dreading it, and I wish there was no such thing. At least not this year.
I'm sick of hearing about what one person thinks that their husband may get them, I am DONE hearing about countdowns...about how everyone is so excited. I'm sorry to be a downer...but I don't want it to come. Or I don't want to be here when it does.
I thought I was going to be okay with it, but Clif and I started talking about it last night, and I lost it. I cried for probably over an hour. Just laying in bed...heartbroken.
Contrary to what some people may think, this is my second Mother's Day.
I believe in life at conception, Lilly was alive for Mother's Day last year. Last year I celebrated. Last year I was excited. This year I am in pieces.
Clif and I are going out of town Saturday, to the NC zoo. I wish that we could just stay there for the whole weekend. It's just too much to handle, too much to face. :( But I have to face it. We both have Mother's that deserve to be celebrated...I can't be selfish, even though I am sure that they would understand.
I don't want to go out to dinner either. We always do this, but this year - I don't want to. I'm afraid of people asking if I'm a mother...and if so, where is my kid?
I'm afraid of being recognized at my church, for being a mother...even though my child is in Heaven. I'm afraid of my reaction, of making a fool of myself.
I already accept that I am going to have a rough weekend, and I am already praying that God will put his arm around me...especially on Sunday. That I can just hold it together.
I miss her so much, I want much. I hurt....SO much. I want to be with her...
I say that Mother's Day is bittersweet. Sweet, because even though my precious Lillian is in Heaven...I am still her mommy. And I proud to own that title. Bitter because just that, she's in Heaven and I am here on earth without her. Empty handed, and broken hearted.
Bittersweetness BLOWS. :) But I am so thankful that I have God in my life, and that I have not been bitter...
Sorry for the whine session, but I just had to get it out. I am hurting, and this's not going away as easily.


That corgi :) said...

hugs to you; I knew it would be hard; and you are right, this is your second Mother's Day. Honestly, I know that your mothers would both understand if you keep it real low key this year and don't do a big celebration out with dinner, etc. Church will be hard; I can't think of anyway to make it easier. I'm glad you guys are doing something special on Saturday with going to the zoo; that sounds like it could be fun.

I don't know all the pain you are experiencing, but I can relate to not wanting it to be Mother's Day. We struggled with infertility for years and I used to dread Mother's Day too for some of the reasons you mentioned above; I was always glad when it was over. (we subsequently adopted two kids :)

you will be in my prayers......


croleyc69 said...

Hey there it's ok to complain. I know how you feel to a point. I have 4 children on this earth but then sometimes I feel torn to pieces on holidays or special events when I should be having 2 more along with us.
The yr after I lost my Dad. My brother and sister went to the cemetary the Friday before Father's Day and then we went to Cedar Point a amusement park in Ohio for the whole weekend doing something fun. I can remember seeing kids with there Dad's but being there I couldn't be singled out.
I'm praying for you so much and Cliff too.

belle said...

hugs..... xoxooxxo

Trennia said...

My dear friend, I am praying that the Lord gives you peace that passeth all understanding.
I too, have a hard time with mother's day, it just takes me back to Emily was born the weekend before and well you just sucks.Sending you love and (((HUGS))).
I too, hope that day flies by very quickly for you.

Lori said...

Desiree...I could have written this myself!!!! Seriously...just last night I told John I want to just put Mother's Day in the "Pretend it's not happening" box.

I also celebrated last year! I got cards and flowers and LOVED every second of knowing my sweet little boy was tucked safely with me and that next Mother's Day would be even BETTER! (Not that I could imagine life much better than it already was!)

I can't bring myself to go to church this Sunday. I don't want to do much of anything. My heart is heavy and his bedroom is empty.

I just want to go to sleep on Saturday night and wake up on Monday morning.

Lifting you up, friend! xoxo

Em said...

Good luck enduring the weekend.

Becky said...

We have never met, but I found your blog and it has been such an encouragement to me. I lost a child almost 2 years ago and it has been the hardest thing. We still don't have children (and why I can't is a long story).I have not found comfort in much of anything except your blog. Please know that I wil be praying for you on Mother's Day that God will give you strength and grace. Thanks for being real in the expression of your feelings. It was exactly what I needed. God Bless.

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