Wednesday, May 5, 2010

bittersweetness BLOWS.

I don't want it to be Mother's Day weekend...not that I really have much say in the matter. :( I thought that I was semi looking forward to it, but no. I am completely dreading it, and I wish there was no such thing. At least not this year.
I'm sick of hearing about what one person thinks that their husband may get them, I am DONE hearing about countdowns...about how everyone is so excited. I'm sorry to be a downer...but I don't want it to come. Or I don't want to be here when it does.
I thought I was going to be okay with it, but Clif and I started talking about it last night, and I lost it. I cried for probably over an hour. Just laying in bed...heartbroken.
Contrary to what some people may think, this is my second Mother's Day.
I believe in life at conception, Lilly was alive for Mother's Day last year. Last year I celebrated. Last year I was excited. This year I am in pieces.
Clif and I are going out of town Saturday, to the NC zoo. I wish that we could just stay there for the whole weekend. It's just too much to handle, too much to face. :( But I have to face it. We both have Mother's that deserve to be celebrated...I can't be selfish, even though I am sure that they would understand.
I don't want to go out to dinner either. We always do this, but this year - I don't want to. I'm afraid of people asking if I'm a mother...and if so, where is my kid?
I'm afraid of being recognized at my church, for being a mother...even though my child is in Heaven. I'm afraid of my reaction, of making a fool of myself.
I already accept that I am going to have a rough weekend, and I am already praying that God will put his arm around me...especially on Sunday. That I can just hold it together.
I miss her so much, I want her...so much. I hurt....SO much. I want to be with her...
I say that Mother's Day is bittersweet. Sweet, because even though my precious Lillian is in Heaven...I am still her mommy. And I proud to own that title. Bitter because just that, she's in Heaven and I am here on earth without her. Empty handed, and broken hearted.
Bittersweetness BLOWS. :) But I am so thankful that I have God in my life, and that I have not been bitter...
Sorry for the whine session, but I just had to get it out. I am hurting, and this time...it's not going away as easily.

7 comments:

That corgi :) said...

hugs to you; I knew it would be hard; and you are right, this is your second Mother's Day. Honestly, I know that your mothers would both understand if you keep it real low key this year and don't do a big celebration out with dinner, etc. Church will be hard; I can't think of anyway to make it easier. I'm glad you guys are doing something special on Saturday with going to the zoo; that sounds like it could be fun.

I don't know all the pain you are experiencing, but I can relate to not wanting it to be Mother's Day. We struggled with infertility for years and I used to dread Mother's Day too for some of the reasons you mentioned above; I was always glad when it was over. (we subsequently adopted two kids :)

you will be in my prayers......

betty

croleyc69 said...

Hey there it's ok to complain. I know how you feel to a point. I have 4 children on this earth but then sometimes I feel torn to pieces on holidays or special events when I should be having 2 more along with us.
The yr after I lost my Dad. My brother and sister went to the cemetary the Friday before Father's Day and then we went to Cedar Point a amusement park in Ohio for the whole weekend doing something fun. I can remember seeing kids with there Dad's but being there I couldn't be singled out.
I'm praying for you so much and Cliff too.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline

belle said...

hugs..... xoxooxxo

Trennia said...

My dear friend, I am praying that the Lord gives you peace that passeth all understanding.
I too, have a hard time with mother's day, it just takes me back to Emily was born the weekend before and well you know...it just sucks.Sending you love and (((HUGS))).
I too, hope that day flies by very quickly for you.

Lori said...

Desiree...I could have written this myself!!!! Seriously...just last night I told John I want to just put Mother's Day in the "Pretend it's not happening" box.

I also celebrated last year! I got cards and flowers and LOVED every second of knowing my sweet little boy was tucked safely with me and that next Mother's Day would be even BETTER! (Not that I could imagine life much better than it already was!)

I can't bring myself to go to church this Sunday. I don't want to do much of anything. My heart is heavy and his bedroom is empty.

I just want to go to sleep on Saturday night and wake up on Monday morning.

Lifting you up, friend! xoxo

Em said...

{{{hugs}}}
Good luck enduring the weekend.

Becky said...

Desiree,
We have never met, but I found your blog and it has been such an encouragement to me. I lost a child almost 2 years ago and it has been the hardest thing. We still don't have children (and why I can't is a long story).I have not found comfort in much of anything except your blog. Please know that I wil be praying for you on Mother's Day that God will give you strength and grace. Thanks for being real in the expression of your feelings. It was exactly what I needed. God Bless.

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