Monday, March 1, 2010

...jumbled thoughts.

I feel as if someone is slowly choking the life out of me. I am so overwhelmed by everything right now, I just don't know how to act. Don't get me wrong, my life is a good life...for the most part. Things are just starting to close in on me all at once.I don't mean to complain...and I'm not really. It's just, things are moving fast at work...and at home. It seems like Clif just started school yesterday, and he graduates on April 9th. I went to pay a bill this morning, and realized I
had like 5 to pay. So much for being ahead, right? ha! In fact, I realized that I was supposed to pay one last week, and forgot about there goes another hundred dollars.

I just want to get ahead for once....

We are tossing around the idea of trying to sell our house. It was a good starter house for us two and a half years ago, but it's not a great house. We've been able to afford it, thank God. But we just wanna move out of the country. Not too many people say that, most people want to move away from the city and away from people. But we've had our fair share of me being home alone.... not being able to get up our driveway all Winter because of snow. Creepy neighbors... we want a change of scenery.
I guess my real issue is, life is moving forward.Fast. Really fast. And I don't want it to. Well,'s not that I don't want to move forward's just that I feel as if I am moving forward, I am leaving Lilly behind. I don't want her to be in my past. She was supposed to be my future. If she were here, I wouldn't care if we had a crappy house. I wouldn't care if things were tight financially. Ok, maybe I would care...but it'd be a lot easier if I had her with me.
And that's another thing. I know that God is in control of my life, completely. And I know that He has plans for Clif and me. But I'm already nervous about my doctors appointment...and I still have two weeks before it gets here. Not only nervous...but scared. I'm scared because I'm afraid of what he might tell me. Not that I have reason to believe that anything is wrong, but I'm just anxious about it. I'm scared because I have to go alone. Clif will be in school, and he can't miss. So I'm on my own this time.

I can't wait, but I'm so nervous about becoming pregnant again. I was so careful about everything I did during my pregnancy with Lilly. And I know that I'm going to be super protective if God allows me to have a second pregnancy. I've already given up not only soft drinks, but also caffeine in preparation for the next baby.
Sorry this is all's just what I'm feeling today. =) Hope you all had a great weekend...God bless.


Trennia said...

Oh, my friend life is moving faster isn't it? I feel the same way after Emily went to heaven.It seems if it were yesterday, and she will be 2 this May.Where are the days going?
Praying for you my for what I think maybe it's God way of letting things go faster so we are not so miserable any longer then we have to be here on earth without our babies, I don't know.(((HUGS))) not saying I don't love my life cause I do I love my hubby & children very much, I'm just saying just maybe that's what God is doing.

klarsen said...

Sometimes I hate that time goes on, that people move on, since the day Hannah left. It is almost as if you remain there watching life fly past you in complete overwhelming chaos. You are in my prayers and I know you will not be alone at your appointment- He is always with us. Much love. xxx

Raquel said...

Hey girl. If you don't want to go to your appointment alone, I would be more than happy to go with you. I'm here for the support if you need me! I love you!

croleyc69 said...

Praying for you.

Em said...

I am sorry life is moving forward. It's too bad we can't do anything to stop it. Good luck with all the decisions you need to make, and good luck with your doctor's appointment.

...and thanks for the reminder to pay my bills!! I completely forgot to do that! :)

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