Friday, March 26, 2010

Funk.

This is where I found myself last night. It was weird, nothing really happened that upset me, or should have depressed me. But I was in a funk. It was like a new wave of grief hit me. I hated it. I didn't cry...I didn't talk about it. My heart just ached way down deep. Like a toothache that just won't go away.
Maybe it's because my cycle should be just around the corner? I don't know... but it was bad. I laid in bed and just stared at the collage of pictures that I made for Clif (for Christmas). It's the lyrics to Lilly's song (Glory baby), and all the pictures from the positive pregnancy test, to my belly shot the day before I went to the hospital. And then all of her pictures too. Our hospital arm bands... pictures of Clif and me while I was pregnant. Nine months of memories that will forever haunt me. So that's what I fell asleep to. Looking at her pictures, reliving every moment of November 13th, and the days to follow.
=) I don't feel that I am moving backwards, I just... I guess I was just sad. I wanted to be sad, all by myself. And I was.

5 comments:

belle said...

those waves still hit me too.... 10 yrs after the first baby of mine to go back home too soon.... i still miss him and my 4th baby to go back home too soon just left in august.

grief is a sea of changing tides and emotions.... aren't we glad we have a Rock to stand on?

we never know when the waves will hit...

Trennia said...

My dear sweet friend I know those waves too, just remmber Jesus is there to pull you up when you are sinking, or about to drown.

Lori said...

Riding that sea with you dear one....riding with you. Much, much love!

Em said...

I think that's okay. I had the same thing last night--wierd! I just lay in bed thinking about my Lilly and what might have been.

croleyc69 said...

Grief is hard and it hurts sometimes. Just know that God is always there. The past few weeks I have been going through a tough time but knowing God is good helps. Praying for you. {{HUGS}}
Caroline

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