Tuesday, August 31, 2010

ovarian drilling

Currently I am waiting to hear back from my nurse. My surgery is already scheduled for November 2nd. No time yet. Of course, if insurance decides not to approve the surgery... I'll have to cancel. My nurse, "C" did say that she has never seen this surgery rejected by insurance. I asked her to stress that this is not just for infertility issues - that it's also beneficial to my health.

I read a pamphlet that I got from their office yesterday about PCOS - and it can lead to diabetes, heart disease, and ovarian cancer (if not treated).

So technically, if they cover the surgery now - and it works, and I start to ovulate on my own...then I will be saving them money in the long run.

*sigh* Please join me in praying that this surgery will be covered under insurance, and that we will get the green light today.


Monday, August 30, 2010

when life gives you turnips...make limeade.

I'm starting this post off on a comical note, but I must warn you... it takes a turn for the worse...maybe worst. *sigh*

First off - we had a blast on our camping trip. Caught a lot of fish, froze our butts off at night...hiked, went on a two - three hour float... cooked hot dogs over a campfire, grilled...and ate smores. Of course there were some bug bites in there too. :) But all in all, it was a good trip. We played tons of games, and learned a few new ones too. Clif taught us dominoes and "A" & "B" (

When playing Taboo - we paired up as couples, since we know each other the best. I got the word "Lemonade". The timer started and I said "when life gives you ___" and Clif answered, "turnips". Really? Then I said it again, and we replied with "lemons", I said - "make?" which he replied with "Limeade!" HAHAHA! I about peed my pants. So - that's where the title comes from today. When life gives you turnips, make limeade. :)

Now for that sharp turn. It's a painful one...and I'm trying my hardest not let it get to me down. Let's just say it's easier said than done. It's definitely a challenge. :) But my God is greater than any of this stuff that's going on. I serve Him, and He is on my side.

I went to see Dr S this morning. Amazing how *literally* forty five seconds of ultrasound cost me right around $80.00. Seriously? I got there - he poked me with the "wand", looked for a few seconds - said that my ovaries look the same as they did last week - and that my progesterone came back "not consistent with ovulation". So I was told to get dressed and to come to his office to discuss our "game plan".

Hmmm...some expensive game plan.

I was told that he wouldn't give me any more Clomid. Three pills a day is the most that's been approved - and I was given four pills a day last month. He said that if he gave me Clomid again - that he was sure my body would not respond. Poo.

He said I have two options.

Option #1 - Follistimaq injections. I would go in for an hour long appointment with my nurse, and she would teach me how to inject myself in the stomach with the shots. Oh goody. A "woman like me" would get a lower dose more often instead of high doses less often. He said that the Follistimaq injections *almost* guarantee matured eggs. There is a 20% chance that *if* we got pregnant with these injections that it would be a multiple pregnancy. Most of the cases that Dr S has seen have been twins, and he said that he's seen several triplets too. Sometimes the Follistimaq causes too many eggs to mature, and they advise you *not* to try to conceive that month. For fear of being the next octo-mom. Gee.

Option #2 - Ovarian drilling. Sound painful? According to someone I know (who has had three similar procedures) they are extremely painful. They would go in and burn small holes in my ovaries. He said that in some cases, after Ovarian drilling, you begin to ovulate on your own. Now that would be a sight to behold. There still would be a very good possibility that I would need the injections, even with the surgery. But then again - there is always that chance that my body would ovulate on it's own - and that I could get pregnant without help. I honestly believe that my God is that big - He can do anything.

Ready for the good part?? The Follistimaq is (of course) *not* covered by my insurance. Dr S told me that it'd be right at $1,000.00 for the meds. When I called the nurse this afternoon, she said that if it's not covered - it could cost anywhere from $800-2200. Great.

I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again. I feel as if every time I "fall" I just get kicked over and over again. As if losing my daughter isn't enough - lets throw infertility & PCOS in the mix. Why not, right?

So I called the nurse and told her that I wanted a little more information about the surgery. She told me that it's called Ovarian Drilling - and that it's out patient. I'd be out of work for a week. It looks like if we go this route that it will be November 2nd before I can have the surgery done. Isn't that lovely? If we decide to go through with it - I will be bed ridden up until my (would have been) due date (with Lilly). I'll be recovering from surgery at the same time THIS year as I was last year.

I wanted to know how the doctor would code the surgery - I was told it would be coded as "PCOS". I was given two codes (he wants to do the Ovarian Drilling and check my tubes) to call the insurance company with, just to see if they could tell me what my part of the surgery would be. I was told that the doctor has to call in for pre authorization, and that *if* it was approved under my insurance, my copay the morning of would be $250.00. Of course I would go the day before for pre-op and other equally fun stuff. I only have one more paid visit with Dr S - unless my insurance would be gracious enough to let me have a few more paid visits. Which means not only would I be paying for the surgery, and the injections (more than likely)... I would have to pay for office visits and anything he does at those visits (mainly ultrasounds).

If I understood my nurse correctly, since my insurance said that I had to have pre authorization for the surgery - the Dr will have to sign something saying that we will not be doing an insemination. Which makes it that much better. Let's pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for surgery and fertility treatments and then take a chance at doing things the "natural" way.How can they make me say that I WON'T have an insemination done when they aren't going to pay for the insemination in the first place?? *sigh* I feel like I'm screwed no matter which way I go.

Honestly... I'm beyond words right now. I'm at a loss, and I'm hurting beyond relief. The one thing that I want more than anything in this world seems to be slipping farther and farther out of my grasp...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

much needed get-away!

Sorry I've been MIA for a few days... I haven't had much to write. I'm still trying to sort through all of these emotions left over from Tuesday.

So I'm torn. I've had some people say that maybe I shouldn't use the OPK because of me having PCOS and taking Clomid. BUT...Dr S told me that this should not effect the test.

I took a second test on Tuesday night, and it was not in my favor. Yesterday morning, the lines were the same color - so I'm thinking positive - and then this morning the test line was darker than the reference line. Positive.

So who knows what's going on with my body. I'm just trying not to get too down in the dumps about everything...at least not yet.

For the past two days, I have had headaches...lower back aches, and cramping in my abdomen. This sounds like ovulation to me...but again, not getting my hopes up.

Who knows with my body...it truly has a mind of it's own.

Clif and I are going camping with a friend of his from work (and his wife) this weekend. That should be fun... and relaxing. I'm looking forward to it.

We are leaving out around 6:30 in the morning, probably stop and get some breakfast - and then run to the hospital to get blood drawn for my progesterone levels.  Then we're headed out to the "creek" to mow grass and get camp set up.

Tonight is grocery shopping and packing the car. :) I love cooking while camping...bacon, eggs,pancakes, smores...hotdogs..

I love it all. Campfire, the creek (more like a river) running... the smells, the wildlife. It should be awesome. I'll have to take pictures and post them for you guys to see.

I told all the girls I work with that I'm sure I sound like a Hillbilly. :) I absolutely love it at the creek. Get to run around barefoot all day, swim, fish (I LOVE to fish)...snuggle around the fire, we even bathe in the creek. HA! Seriously, I have never seen cleaner water. I love to wash my hair in it. We were told (don't know how true it is) that Demi Moore had water shipped from this particular creek to wash her hair with. Interesting.

So yeah - I'm pretty excited, to say the least. Just a weekend away from civilization...everything. I look forward to being surrounded by nature and de-stressing a little bit.

I hope that you all have a great weekend - I'm sure that I'll have plenty to write about Monday when I get back. :) Oh, and Monday is my #4 appointment with Dr S. We'll do another u/s and go from there. Pray for us! (We are praying that God will knock the socks off of the drs and allow us to "do" this the "all natural" way!!)

God Bless!!!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

God is in complete control....

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Fear is usually created when we cannot control a particular situation. A lack of control can sometimes make us believe that if we can't control what is going on around us, then it may fail. Well, the good news is that when you know who has total control and the last word for your good, they you do not need to fear anything! The moment you relinquish that control factor to God, He strengthens you to think about other ways to solve your problem and ultimately give you peace. Today, give Him complete control!

dazed and confused.

Talk about a horrible day. *sigh*

Well...let's start at the beginning.

This morning I woke up at 6:20 and went to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready. I took my OPK test, and low and behold it was positive. I thought I was crazy...so I woke Clif up and made him come in there and take a look. I didn't tell him I thought it was positive. I just asked him to tell me what line was darker. He said, "the one on the left". Well, the line on the right is the reference line. The left is the test line. It wasn't just me. The test was positive.

So, with a glimpse of hope - we headed to the REs office. We show up, Ovidrel in hand. Dr S came to get me quickly, and took me back to the u/s room. He left for me to undress, and then came back a few minutes later. I told him about the test. He sounded hopeful.

The u/s started and I could tell by his face it wasn't good. He turned the screen for Clif and I to see - he showed us my ovaries, and the follicles. The eggs are not matured.

Dr S was puzzled. He said that he has no clue why I got a positive OPK this morning. He said it didn't make sense.

I got dressed and went to his office. He told us that if I hadn't told him about the test, he would have told me to come back in 5-7 days. But since I got the positive, he wasn't sure what to do. He told us that I could get the shot today and possibly (more than likely) waste $260 tomorrow for the insemination.

We asked him what he suggested, and he said that he would wait until Friday - come in and get blood drawn (at the lab - so it doesn't count as one of my appointments) to check and see if I ovulated. THEN I'll go back Monday at 8am for another u/s to see if the eggs have matured, get the Ovidrel shot , and go back Tuesday for the IUI. Possibly. But he didn't sound too hopeful.

It's pretty bad when your RE is puzzled. That's my body for ya though, screwed up.

I am almost to the point to give up, stop going to the doctor, and either do egg donor, surrogacy, or adoption.

My body has been through so much in the last nine months, it's not even money. If you want to get technical - I guess it's really gone through a lot since October 2008. *sigh*

I went back to work and talked with my boss...more like cried while my boss listened...for like an hour. And then she sent me home. I wouldn't have been worth anything at work today. I love my boss, she's the BEST.

So I'm upset...sad...disappointed. But I'll get over it...and I'm not going to lose hope. :) Keep looking up...that's what I keep telling myself.

My mom says that she is praising the Lord for the positive OPK - that she is viewing that as a shimmer of hope. Not to give up - to keep trusting God, and to find something to praise Him about. So - that's what I'm doing.

I'm praising God for the positive (even if it was false) test this morning - and praying that it wasn't a fluke like Dr S thinks that it may have been. That I will ovulate this month. Even if I don't get pregnant this month... if I can just ovulate, I would be so happy. We shall see...Dr S says that (contrary to what the OPK says - that the Clomid should not interfere with the test. However, the way I see it - the tests are 99.9% accurate. With my luck, I'll be in the 0.01% that is fluke.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray that the OPK test was correct - and that we may conceive even this week. :) He said to go with the "all natural" route tomorrow...and then we'll see what happens next week. Thanks to you all for the prayer and support that y'all give me.

Monday, August 23, 2010


Tomorrow is the big day. I'm terrified, to say the least. I am so nervous/anxious about tomorrows appointment, I can barely stand it.

My lower back is killing me today. Almost like labor/contraction pain. It's ridiculous - and man did the pain pick the wrong day to be here! It's been an absolutely crazy day all the way around. :( I have mild cramping in my abdomen as well. Could it be possible that my body is going to ovulate this month?? I just starting testing with the OPK yesterday, and nothing yet. I really just hate my body sometimes.

*sigh* I hate this waiting game. It sucks. Big time. I have been praying like crazy for weeks now. Ever since I found out that we'd be doing the IUI. I can't focus today...all I have been able to do is think about tomorrow's appointment.

I know that God will give us an answer. I don't know whether it will be no,yes, or wait. But I am confident that He will answer.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

viewers discretion is advised.

Sometimes I wish that life came with this kind of warning label. "Some things may not be suitable for all viewers".

Pregnant lady rounding the corner... viewers discretion is advised.

People that pop out extra "tax credits"... viewers discretion is advised.

People abusing precious children... viewers discretion is advised.

Women who have babies they don't want... viewers discretion is advised.

Fertile women everywhere... viewers discretion is advised.

Yup... I'm pretty sure that this "warning" would be very helpful.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I will follow You.

Don't know where to begin

It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but i can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You

God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

~Mikes chair~

we're in the jungle, baby.

Wow...okay this post is WAY over due. :) Here are some pictures of our NC Zoo trip - the day before Mother's Day. It was SO hot...but we had a blast. :) I absolutely love the first picture, of the lion. She laid like that the whole time we were watching her.

Friday, August 20, 2010

waiting = torture

I can't stop thinking about Tuesday. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm scared. What if there aren't any matured eggs? What if I've wasted three appointments with Dr S? I only have/had a total of five!

*sigh* I am still trusting God. I know that if it's His will...there will be eggs on Tuesday. If it's His will, I will get my shot of Ovidrel on Tuesday. If it's His will...we will go back to see Dr S on Thursday for an insemination. If it is His will, we will have another baby. Maybe not this month, maybe not the next. But in His time, I believe that God will grow our family once again.

It's hard to keep the faith...to remain hopeful. It's been nine months now since we said hello & goodbye to our precious Lilly. I've taken more than nine pregnancy tests since November 13th...every single one has been negative. Every doctors appointment it's as if the doctors don't know what's going on. (At least Dr S has a better understanding than Dr G).

I am praying with all that I am that in seven weeks we will be at the office of Dr S, that we will hear a heart beat - and that we'll be sent back to Dr G for the remainder or my prenatal care. I'm praying, I'm hoping... I'm begging.

Pray for me? Waiting is torture.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Today I remember my Lilly Bean. Actually, I remember her every day. Every single hour, most days.
Today is also a day of hope. Hope for the future, hope for expanding our family. Hope for another baby.
I am hopeful - and I'm looking forward to the things God is going to do in our lives in the days to come. I am excited, and I'm anxious.
But most of all, I am hopeful.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

the hubbz

He's home tonight!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

**A new kind of normal**

Saw this link on a blogger buddies facebook today. Check her out here. Anyway, I wanted to share this - because it pretty much says everything that I feel. :)


*Author Unknown*

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all,

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Some things just need repeating.

To Whom It May Concern:
The blog titled "journey to motherhood" is not for you. At all. I really don't know how much clearer I can get on this. This blog is for me, in honor of my daughter. Remember? The daughter that DIED nine months ago??
Yeah, this is for her. This is where I can come to talk about her. This is a place where I can come to share my feelings with those who truly care about me. And I really believe that the people who genuinely care about me will accept my feelings. Whether they think they are right or wrong. That's what true friends do.
And ya know what? If you don't like this blog, if you don't like the things that I write about - or the feelings that I convey when I type...are you ready for this??? DON'T READ IT! Seriously.
When you log onto your dashboard every day, you make a conscience choice to read (or not read) my latest post. You choose to select my blog, and load it onto your screen. You CHOOSE to read what I write. No one is asking you to, and no one is holding a gun to your head telling you to.
So I'm not sorry if the things on this blog offend you. This is my therapy. I (and others) think it's good for me. I mean, do you seriously realize how good I'm doing, considering??
Lillian Joy was a living child. She lived for a little over nine months. She was a real baby...not just a figment of your imagination. I loved her from the moment I found out that I had the privilege to carry her in my womb for nine months. I talked to her, sang to her...her daddy talked to her and rubbed her almost every night. She was loved by SO many people. She has touched an unbelievable amount of people. I mean - seriously, how many other little babies do you know that has a good 400-500 people show up for their funeral? These people took time out of their (week day) day, and some drove from different STATES to  honor my daughter... a little girl that none of them had ever met. People have (and some continue) to shower us with love, thoughts and prayers. *Almost* everyone has been amazing. Understanding even. But not all.
There are still those few people who think that MY situation belongs to them. They are starving for attention - and they just can't help but try to make my grief about themselves. Ya know what? These people don't realize that they've won. That the competition STOPPED when my daughter was born still. It was over on November 13,2009. They WIN! This(these) person (people) who strive to out do all that I strive for in life have won. They have a happy life and family. I have a life, but it still lacks the "happy" part. My family consists of myself and my husband...oh and our dead child.
So please, let me reiterate. If you don't like the words that I type. If you don't like the way my thoughts and opinions make you feel...then stay away. This is not for you, it's for her.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I am not afraid...

I am not afraid to speak of November 13th,2009.


Night shift. I hate it, and there is no way around my hate. I am so thankful that Clif has been blessed with his job. It's great... and for the first time in four years, he actually enjoys what he's doing. Not a lot of people can say that.

When Clif first took this job in September 2009 - I thought it would be okay. I would miss him, but I would live. I mean, in just a few short months I would have a baby to keep me busy.

Now I get off work, go home...sit around, mope a little, eat dinner...surf the internet and go to bed alone. It stinks. :) I guess I'm just a whiner. But I don't like to be home alone (at night). And it doesn't help that we live out in the boonies.

At least I have my pistol to keep me company, just in case I have any unwanted visitors. I don't know if I mentioned it or not - but I got a pistol of my own a month or so ago. It's a little .380 semi automatic. It's nice.
I don't have my concealed permit *yet*, but plan to get it sooner than later.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Tennessee Water...

Seriously, I think there was something in the water in Tennessee this weekend (and you better believe I drank it everywhere we went.ha!) If I saw one pregnant woman, I saw a hundred. And I'm not even exaggerating. I bet we did see more than a hundred preggos on our trip.

Here I am, trying to get away from everything for a few days ... and it seems like every time I turn around there is a "baby bump" in my face.

Even the old are fertile. Not even kidding. I can't tell you how many women (that looked old enough to be my mother) were looking as if they were going to pop at any given moment.

I miss that look.

*sigh* I'm really getting anxious about the upcoming IUI. We are really praying that this will work. Praying for lots of little eggies. :) Pray with us??

Friday, August 13, 2010

Dear Anthem, I hate you.

Ya know - sometimes I just feel like all odds are against me. Seriously. It's like every time I have a "good" day, something else comes along and knocks me on my butt.

So imagine this. Yesterday was CD2. I had been up since 6:30am, and on my feet for most of the day... in heels. I was exhausted, mentally and physically.

I headed to Wal*Mart as soon as I got off work. I walked up to the counter in the pharmacy and gave the lady my name and date of birth. She pulls it up in the computer and was like, "Um...Clomid is out of stock.". Great. And then she adds, "and you do know that your insurance isn't covering that?" Um no, actually I didn't know that. They've covered it every other time I've ever gotten it - to my knowledge! I told her that I was just going to have to pay the $80.00 for twenty pills. I had to have them, because I start taking them TODAY. She said that the earliest that they could get them would be Saturday afternoon. That wasn't going to work, so I got the prescription back and headed to Kroger. And to call Anthem.

When I called Anthem, my call was quickly taken by a lady that could barely speak English. Great. I tell her what the deal is, she pulls up my account and within two seconds I got the "Oh your policy doesn't cover fertility drugs." Ok, I get that. But why have you been covering them for the last three months?? Oh, and for four months almost two years ago?? She seriously sat there and argued with me for ten minutes that I had never gotten this medication under my policy. Uh, yes I have. She seriously sat there and told me that I must have used a different policy, because it's never been filled under the one that I currently have with them. Funny thing. I have had this SAME policy since March 2008 when I started working where I work now. Hmmm. After all the arguing, she finally found where I had gotten Clomid under that policy before. Not once did she apologize for arguing with me. As soon as she found that she immediately told me that every time a prescription came through for Clomid it had been rejected. "EVERY SINGLE TIME". Um no, it's hasn't. She told me, "it's been rejected every time since February 2009". Really? That strikes me funny because I started taking Clomid in October of 2008. So they covered it and then just stopped?? Weird.
When I got the last Clomid filled (in June) it was 150mg, and I got it for like $23.00. Ok - so 50mg more a day is going to cost me $80.00??

I got to Kroger, puffy eyed and BLOOD red. When I get mad, I cry. And needless to say - I was furious. I walk up to the drop off window - told the lady what the deal was, offered my insurance information and told her that it probably wouldn't be covered. She looked at the prescription and was like - "uh, let me see if we have any in stock". She went to the back, and when she came out - she told me that they were completely out. Didn't even have enough to get me started for one day. She told me "it's probably back ordered". *sigh* I was ready to seriously throw in the towel at this point.

I then headed to Walgreens, last resort. When I walked back to the pharmacy, the "drop off" window was closed. Again...great. There was a lady at the counter, so I asked her if I could drop off a prescription. She said yes. Good. I told her what the deal was, that nowhere else in town had it - and that my insurance wasn't going to cover anything - but I was prepared to pay for it. She told me "I don't think I have this many, but I might have enough to get you started." Well - she checked and they had 20 pills. Thank you Lord! I was on the phone with Clif relaying everything to him, and she interrupted telling me that their price was $53.99. Thank you Jesus!

It was just ar really stressful evening. If they're not going to cover it, it's fine. But don't be so wishy washy - and don't be a jerk either.

I didn't get home until almost seven and then had to cook dinner. Needless to say, after I ate I layed on the couch - Clif rubbed my back and I was asleep before nine oclock. :)

I am SO looking forward to the weekend away in Tennessee.

nine months.

Friday the 13th.

Nine months ago, I thought it was cool that my daughter was to be born on Friday the 13th. It freaked so many people out, but I didn't mind it one bit. That kind of stuff doesn't really bother me. :) I was just excited about getting my baby out of me and into my arms.

Somehow I guess the joke was on me.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

a glimpse of hope.

So since my appointment this morning, I've felt kinda iffy about everything that I'll be undergoing in the next few weeks. Almost like I really didn't believe that it would work - like nothing would come of it.

But then I googled IUI and started reading about it, and about the ovidrel that Dr S is going to be giving me (if there is a maturing egg) and I'm actually...(for the first time in a few months) excited. Hopeful. Looking forward to what the future may hold for Clif and me.

Pray 4 lots of Eggies!

Apparently Clif and I misunderstood. Which doesn't surprise me really, because all of this fertility stuff is greek to me. We were not looking for eggs today. To be completely honest, I'm not even really sure what today's ultrasound was for. But it's whatever.

Embarrassing situations seem to always involve me. :) I go in for my endovaginal ultrasound - CD2. So it was already a little iffy, Clif had to work...so I had to go alone. Needless to say I was not looking forward to this appointment.

So the nurse calls me, takes me back to the room and tells me to undress from the waist down and that Dr S will be right in. I do as she says, hop up on the table and wait. In walks Dr S, a nurse that I've never seen before AND a male intern. Great. I felt like a lab rat. Seriously should get a discount on that doctors visit. HA! Dr S talked the whole time. This is her right ovary, that's her left...her uterus is here. See all these cysts? That is a very strong suggestion that she has PCOS. Wow. Oh and here is her bladder, it looks like it's pretty full. HELLO, I'm right here! So that was an adventure.

I got dressed and went in his office to figure out what our game plan is. He gave me a prescription for Clomid, 200mg. When I got pregnant with Lilly, I was on 150mg during days 59. He gave me 50mg more and wants me to start them tomorrow, CD3.

My next appointment is August 24th at 8am. We're doing another endovaginal ultrasound to see if I have maturing eggs. If I do, he'll give me a shot of Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg and ovulate. Two days after that we'll go back for the IUI.

Oddly enough, they don't keep the Ovidrel in the office so he had to give me a prescription for that as well. But he said that it would take a long time to get it at CVS or Wal*mart (because they don't keep it there) so it was called in to some mail order pharmacy. Weird. So the shot that is going to make me drop my egg is coming via UPS or FEDEX. Love it.

Just wanted to update you all and ask you to continue praying about our little eggie(s). Pray that if it be God's will that this round of IUI would be not only our first, but also our last.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Well, apparently AF had forgave me our past differences and decided she'd give me another try! Thank you Jesus. :)

I'm in pain... a lot of it. Worse than the last time - but I am welcoming it! I went to Wal*Mart, got some pain medication and I'm good to go!

Called Dr.S this morning (my RE) and have my appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30 for the ultrasound. Though I'm not looking forward to THAT particular part of this journey, I am anxious about the other parts that are to come.

Please pray with us that the IUI done this cycle will work, and that we won't have to do it again!!!! :) Thanks to all who have been praying and will continue to do so. Y'all are the best.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


**Just made this and thought that I would share**

**what if**

What if... we had gotten to the hospital sooner?

            What if... the doctors had done a ultrasound on November 12th?

                        What if... the induction was scheduled for a week (even a day) sooner?

                                    What if... I had been put on blood pressure medication?
                                                What if... bedrest had been insisted on at an earlier date?
                                                            What if... I had asked the doctor more questions?

                                                                         What if... Lillian Joy Smith didn't die that day?

                                                                                     What if... Lillian Joy Smith lived?

What if??

Dear AF...

Dear AF (aka: Aunt Flo),
   I know that we haven't gotten along in the past. Something must have happened back when I was thirteen years old, as I've noticed that you don't like to come visit anymore...unless forced by the doctors.
   Today I'm desperately asking you to put the past behind us and come and visit. I know, weird. No one really likes you...and I know that I've even said that I've hated you in the past...but I'm asking you now. Please come and visit me today. I actually am really looking forward to seeing you this month.
   You arriving means that I get to go meet with Dr S again. I'll have my ultrasound (another much hated thing) and get to hear if I'm producing little eggies.
    Please please please come. :)

Anxiously awaiting your arrival,

Monday, August 9, 2010

I must say...

These last few weeks have been nice. Drama free even. :) I'm loving it. I am I living drama free you ask?? Get ready for this ladies... by listening to my husband.

Uh well at least abiding by his wishes. Which, they are in my best interest...so I won't complain. :) A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time "swallowing" some things that I'd recently been made aware of. These things were really bumming me out (and still do if I think about them too much).

It's when these things were really starting to get me down that Clif told me that he wanted me to stay away from a certain facebook account, and blogger account. And now that I have, I feel so much better. I can focus on me....and Clif, and our lives...and our journey. And I don't have to worry about other people trying to hurt me. :) So nice...

Aleisha...I remember.

**Below is a letter written to my best friend of fifteen years. Two days before I went into the hospital for my scheduled induction - Aleisha, her husband (Joe) and daughter (our goddaughter) stopped by to see me. It was the first time we had seen one another in almost a year. And we had only begun speaking a few weeks prior to that. Looking back it was no ones fault... it was just a long strand of misunderstandings. I met their daughter for the very first time that day. It was the first time she'd seen me pregnant. I never got to see her during the nine months she was pregnant. We made amends within those few weeks before Lilly was born. I believe that our making up was a total God thing. He knew that I would need Aleisha during my darkest hours.**

 I've been trying for quite some time now to find a way to say thank you. I've said I would get a card - but haven't. Maybe I'd thank you in person? No, to hard. So a letter it is.
 I remember Friday November 13th like it was yesterday, I can remember the heartbreak,agony,pain...and relive it most days. I can still see the urgency in the nurses eyes when they were looking for Lilly's heartbeat, I still hear Dr G tell me there was no heartbeat. I can recall Clif's screams escaping his lips - those screams still haunt me. I remember waking up from surgery hoping, praying that it was all a dream. One look into Clif's eyes and I knew this was/is my reality.
 I remember so many things about that day. All the phone calls, visits, cards...and most importantly the prayers offered up all over the world. There were so many tears that day, so many questions. The tears remain today, almost nine months later - and most of the questions still go unanswered.
 Though many details of that day are forever burned in my heart and mind - many of them are not. There are chunks of that cool November day that I do not remember. And several of the forgotten pieces have recently started coming back to me. Moments that were a blur are now clear,sharp...vivid even.
 One of those moments...memories, is of you. I remember you came to see me that evening. And I knew then (and know now) that you would have been there sooner if you could have been.
 I sit here today - and I can see a clear picture of you, me and Clif in the hospital room. I see you walking in, meeting my gaze - matching my tears almost tear for tear. You brought me chocolate, Dove and Lindor. My favorites. You made some comment about how chocolate always helps. I remember you hugged me and I latched on for dear life. In that moment every past problem between us disappeared. I remember you smoothed my hair and kissed my hands. Aleisha, I remember most that you were there. After almost a year of not speaking - you were there for me.

                                                             But there is more...

 When you arrived at my room, the nurse had just gone to get Lilly for us. It was the second, and last time we saw her while at the hospital. I wanted you to stay, and you did. How brave. You stayed by my side as the nurse wheeled in Lillian, wrapped in her Gigi-made quilt, all bundled in her hospital bassinet. You watched as the nurse handed me my precious baby girl. I remember tears falling. I remember you saying she was beautiful. and then - you asked if you could hold her.
 The nurses had held her, Clif and I held her, even our parents held her. Never in a million years did I think someone would ask to hold her. Who would want to hold a baby who was already gone??
 I can't imagine the things that must have been going through your mind. Trinity was only what? Four months old? Almost five months? You were the mommy of a precious baby girl - how hard it must have been to hold the daughter of your best friend. Her daughter that was born sleeping. But you did. I remember that to. You cradled her in your arms as tears fell all around the room.
 I will never be able to express to you how much that meant to me - and still means to me.
 So thank you. Thank you for not being afraid. Thank you for holding my Lilly. Thank you for loving me.

I'll love you longer than forever...


Sunday, August 8, 2010

bliss...or something like it.

Five years ago today, Clif and I said three life changing words to one another. "I love you". I was 17...he was 20. My parents weren't too excited about the idea of us dating. :) But I knew that it was for real. I knew that this was the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was head over hills.

And now, five years later...I still am. Head over hills that is. Of course, like any other couple, we have our ups and downs. We aren't perfect. But I truly believe that God made us for one another.

I love you Clif! With all of my heart... and thank you so much for giving me the best five years of my life.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

should I care??

This morning when I woke up, I decided that it was time to start Lilly's scrapbook. I've been reading Hannah's blog : : here : : and it's got me itching to start on my own scrapbook that I've been putting off.

I've had the stuff since January...or at least most of it. So I'm ready to get started. I just have to find and dig out all my scrap booking stuff. :) Should be something to keep me occupied for a few weeks at least. I welcome anything that'll keep my mind off of reality for a while.

Clif's working today and my mom is meeting me out for lunch. After that, I think I am going to run to Michael's or AC Moore and look for some scrap booking stickers. I may just hang out here in town and get a few things to get started with and head over to the craft stores another day. Who knows. It'll depend on what I feel like.

On to the title of this post. Should I care??

In order to begin my scrapbook, I need pictures. And lots of them. Starting out with the positive pregnancy test, belly shots, u/s pictures, pictures that the hospital took, and pictures that were taken of us holding Lilly. I also want to include a picture of her headstone, and various other things.

But in order to have all these prints made, I need to go somewhere public. Will I offend passer by's while I'm choosing which ones to get printed?? Will I make the person in the photo lab uncomfortable preparing pictures of my dead baby??

I must say that in most pictures, Lilly looks like any other baby. But there are some that are "iffy". What about the ones of Clif & me holding her? I mean...you can clearly see that something is wrong. I mean we are crying, we look like...well, crap. Maybe if I print them in black & white??

Should I care? I mean ... this is all I have left of my daughter. Pictures, the tshirt & cap that she wore when she was born. A ring that she wore in the pictures the hospital took... a clipping of her hair. Her footprints. That's all I have. Should I worry about making someone uncomfortable???

It'd be different if we had known something bad was going to happen. We could have had a photographer planned. We could have had professional pictures taken, pictures that would have been much better than the ones we have. But on November 13th,2009... I knew nothing of stillbirth. I had never heard of the "Baby Loss Mama's" community. I had no clue that there were photographers that would even think about taking pictures of the deceased. Nobody had ever told me that it was acceptable to take pictures of a stillborn baby. I wasn't prepared. I never thought it would happen to me...to us...to Lilly.

But it did.

Friday, August 6, 2010

ABC's of Desiree

A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 75

B- My BEDROOM theme is: black & white/pink w/ flowers. :) It's not as complicated as it sounds.

C- The CAR in the driveway is:Ford F150 fx4 & Dodge Avenger

D- My DESK looks:I don't have a desk :(

E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: an hour before I have to be at work. Normally around 7

F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: my hair.

G- My GARAGE is filled with: :( we don't have a garage. But our shed is full of fishing & camping gear.

H- My HOUSE is: almost clean :)

I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: a mess lol
J- My favorite JUICE is: ruby red grapefruit juice.

K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: the coffee maker...even if it has been decaf for the last eight months.

L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my mommy. last night for dinner.

M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: Carilion. Gotta love doctor bills.

N- My NEIGHBORS think: I drive too fast.

O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see: leftovers, cherry crush, and A1. :) there is way too much stuff to list.
P- My last house PARTY was: Ummm...?? Back in May clif had a bunch of buddies over for a UFC fight. Does that count??
Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: Tilapia & asparagus.

R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: the living room :)

S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: currently it's from Bath & Body Works

T- My largest TELEVISION is: ??? big.

U- UNDER my bed you will find: containers of winter clothes.

V- The last time I VACUUMED was: I don't vacuum very often, there is hardly any carpet.

W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: deer :)

X- I wish I had extra: million dollars lol :)

Y- My YARD is: grown up, and needs mowing. but it won't stop raining!!!

Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: not as early as I would like.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

(in)fertility lingo

Just in case some of you get as confused as I do with all of this fertility abbreviation lingo :) Of course, even with the definitions I'm still in the dark with a lot of these...

2WW Two-week wait

A/F Aunt Flo (your period)

AH Assisted hatching

AI Artificial insemination

AIH Artificial insemination by husband

ART Assisted reproductive technique

BBT Basal body temperature

BCP Birth control pills

BD Baby dance (sex)

BET Blastocyst embryo transfer

BFN Big fat negative

BFP Big fat positive

BICA British Infertility Counselling Association

CBAVD Congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens

CD Cycle day

CM Cervical mucus

CP Cervical position

CVS Chorionic villae sampling

D&C Dilation and curettage

DE Donor eggs

DI Donor insemination

DPO Days post-ovulation

DPR Days post-retrieval

DPT Days post-transfer

EC Egg collection

EDD Estimated due date

ENDO Endometriosis

EPO Evening primrose oil

ERPC Evacuation of retained products of conception

ET Embryo transfer

EWCM Eggwhite cervical mucus

FER Frozen embryo replacement

FET Frozen embryo transfer

FP Follicular phase

FSH Follicle stimulating hormone

GIFT Gamete intra-fallopian transfer

H/B Heartbeat

HCG Human chorionic gonadotropin

HFEA Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority

HPT Home pregnancy test

HRT Hormone replacement therapy

HSC Hysteroscopy

HSG Hysterosalpinogram

ICSI Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection

I N UK Infertility Network UK

IPS Imaginary pregnancy symptoms

IUI Intra-uterine insemination

IVF In vitro fertilisation

LAH Laser assisted hatching

LAP Laparoscopy

LH Luteinising hormone

LMP Last menstrual period

LP Luteal phase

LPD Luteal phase defect

MA Miscarriage association

M/C Miscarriage

MESA Microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration

M/W Midwife

NIAC National Infertility Awareness Campaign

OI Ovulation induction

OV Ovulation

OHSS Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome

OPK Ovulation predictor kit

PCO Polycystic ovaries

PCOS Polycystic ovary syndrome

PCT Post-coital test

PESA Percutaneous epididymal sperm aspiration

PG Pregnant

PUPOPregnant Until Proven Otherwise

PI Primary infertility

PID Pelvic inflammatory disease

PMS Pre-menstrual syndrome

POF Premature ovarian failure

SA Sperm analysis

SANDS Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society

S/B Stillbirth

SI Secondary infertility

STD Sexually transmitted disease

TESA Testicular sperm aspiration

TET Tubal embryo transfer

TTC Trying to conceive

U/S Ultrasound

ZIFT Zygote intra-fallopian transfer

Desiree's Soapbox take #1

Yesterday wasn't the greatest of days. Weather started off kinda dreary...and that's just how I felt. I figured since I was already in a funk that I should go ahead and get new flowers and take them to the cemetery. I have to work this coming up Saturday, which means that I had yesterday afternoon off.

Clif met me for lunch, and then we headed to a local craft store to pick up flowers before heading over to the cemetery.

I truly believe that people are oblivious to pain and death. People take life for granted, not even stopping to think twice when it may be their time... or the time of someone they love.

Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was shopping for flowers to go on the grave of my dead infant daughter. I don't know what it was - but it just hit me hard.

Here Clif and I are searching for the perfect bunch of flowers to honor our precious Lillian, and people are bustling around us - practically running us over. Always in a hurry...

I know that they didn't know what we were there for. How could they know that nine months ago the two young people they were running all over had experienced the worst thing that had ever happened to them?? How could they know that our child was dead?

Like I said, people are just in a hurry these days. They don't take time to stop and really think about things. To think about what the person in front of or beside of you might be going through. Are people that work with the public not entitled to have a bad day??

I try to keep that in mind when encountering situations in public life. I might be in a line at the grocery store that's a mile long - but what about the cashier? What if she just found out that someone close to her died?? Or, what if she didn't have enough money to make ends meet the last few months and got evicted from her home?? What if she needs to be with a sick loved one... but can't because she'll lose her job?? It could be the anniversary of the death of someone she loves. It could be the anniversary of the day that she had to say goodbye to her child forever.

People are just so self centered sometimes. Got to watch out for number one, right?? Well in my opinion they need to slow down and smell the hypothetical roses. Chill out and look around at the people around them - and take into account that maybe they are going through a life changing situation. Realize that we all are human. Maybe even care a little bit.

And one more little thing that urks me, since I'm already letting my opinions be known.

It's been (almost) nine months since I was dubbed with the title, "BLM". That's right. I am suffering loss because my baby died. I will never ever ever take the subject of pregnancy lightly, nor will I ever take the life of a child for granted. If the Lord blesses us with another child, I will thank Him daily for that blessing. I already pray that if He gives us another child that He will protect him/her as they spend their nine months inside me, that He allow me to give birth to a LIVE baby...and that He will protect that child as he/she grows.

My issue here is - I can't tell you how many happy-go-lucky oblivious pregnant women I see in a weeks time. They walk around, bellies out... never even thinking that something could happen to their baby. That's only something that happens in the movies, or to people that they don't even know. That kind of heartache could never touch their lives.

I wish there was something that I could do to guarantee that there would never be another baby that dies. But I can't. And I would never wish my pain on anyone. EVER.

And I wish there was something that I could do to make these girls aware. To tell them to take every precaution. To listen to every little thing that their doctors tell them to do. To never do anything stupid that would put their baby's life in danger.

And then you have these little teenie boppers that go out and get pregnant, and they think it's "cool". The only thing they really care about is if their body will ever look the same. Well, I've got news for ya. No - it'll never be the same. Now get over yourself and on to your baby. They could care less that they're pregnant... or at least that's the way a lot of them come across.

I'm not mad, I'm not bitter... I'm just annoyed. And hurting. And well, it just hasn't been good these last few days.

Maybe it's because AF is getting ready to come and visit me with all of her loveliness? Gotta love medically induced visits of AF... they make life SO much better. NOT. :)

Please excuse me for my fowl mood. I didn't even really realize I was in one until I started typing :)

Okay I'm done whining now. Sorry about that little soapbox episode. :)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

~Pray Without Ceasing~

It's been a while since I did a post sharing prayer requests, so here it goes. Would you please join me in praying for...

** A little girl, "A" who has bone cancer. She is nine years old and already had a hip replacement. :( Pray that if God sees fit, that she would be healed.

** Joe, as he continues to heal from his collar bone surgery. Pray that he would have a quick recovery, and that everything would heal completely so that he can return to work.

** My mother in law, "S" who found out yesterday that she tested positive for lupus. She is scheduled to see a specialist. Pray that her case may not be as severe as some, and that there may be medications to help her. She has several health problems on top of this new found one, including severe diabetes.

** Pray for Clif's right knee. It's been acting up, causing pretty bad pain when he walks. He's on his feet a LOT at work. When you touch it as he bends, you can feel it grinding. Needless to say he will need to go to the doctor :(

** My friend "A" who is a stay at home mom, looking for a couple of kids to watch - to make ends meet. Pray that God would send two (well behaved) children her way.

** My dad "S" who is having some colon issues. He's had problems for years, but he recently had a pretty bad flare up.

** Several pregnant ladies that I know.  Pray that their pregnancies will go smoothly, and that they would deliver happy healthy babies.

** Mrs.L, an elderly lady in our church. She has been out for a few weeks now, and she had been in the hospital. :( They were putting her on oxygen at night to help her breath. She had a pretty bad case of pneumonia several months back.

** "J", Clif's step dad. For his salvation.

** All my fellow BLM's that are on the road of TTC again, myself included.

** Clif & myself, as we start this cycle..and begin seeing Dr.S on a more regular basis. Pray that this IUI would be the only one that I need. That it would take, and that I would become pregnant even this month.

** "R" & "A" who lost their baby several months ago at 20 weeks. I haven't talked to them, but I know how they must still be aching inside. Pray for peace and comfort.

** Lastly, please continue to pray for the healing of our hearts. I know that we will never be the same, and that our hearts will never be whole again....but as November is drawing near - my heart begins to ache just like it did almost nine months ago.

Thanks for all of your prayers. You guys are awesome!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


This is what I'm feeling right now. Seriously feel like I am going to puke. Either that or blow a gasket. Wanna know what's got me in a tizzy??

Really?? I guess the original post has been deleted? I just can't even begin to tell you how absolutely insane this is.

In the nine months that I have been a member of the babyloss community I have not personally ran into someone who has attacked me. The closest that I can come to this attack is two people telling me that it's been X amount of time and I need to get over it and move on with my life...one saying that I couldn't take it out on them that my daughter is dead. Newsflash - I'm not taking it out on you... it's called grieving. But they don't understand...and hopefully never will. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.

But seriously. Someone needs to hit this chick upside the head with a good dose of reality...and a little bit of SYMPATHY for the hurting.

I love how people want to rant and rave about someone else, when in reality they are doing the exact same things themselves! It really just crawls all over me.

This attack was not on me. It was on one of my sweet blogger friends who has an amazing story to tell. Such a godly young woman, trying to do what's right - but still missing her little Lily. Is that a crime??

Here is the post that started it all:

 Oh, and her adult daughter has an entire blog dedicated to a stillborn baby. Okay, before you unleash the tide of "you heartless bastard!" -- just hear me out: please don't get me wrong, giving birth to a stillborn baby is extremely heart-wrenching and devastating. That woman has every right to grieve. But there is something EXTREMELY disturbing about setting up a PUBLIC blogshrine to a dead baby, replete with photographs of the deceased. I mean, for ___ sake, the poor thing in the photograph is so far gone that it's already showing livor mortis. And to think that everyone went around posing for photos and mourning over this stillborn for... how long, Hours? Where is the respect and dignity for the dead? Since when did heartfelt grief for a lost child become an extremely public affair with photo albums and countdown clocks ("it's been 4 months since we said goodbye")?

I've noticed that there is a strong trend among religious right fanatics to set up blogshrines to their stillborn babies or anencephalic, dying babies. I'm not kidding. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm guessing it's a combination of: "pro-life" (anti-choice) fervor, the belief that a woman's duty is to be an incubator, religious delusion (and thus an incapability of coming to terms with natural death/dying), poor emotional coping skills, and the chance to become a "martyr mom" among fundies. I think that is why these women SNAP when they realize their pregnancy is not viable and they decide to carry to term any way to show off their martyrdom. And there is mental illness involved. I'm not the sanest person in the bunch, but I feel sorry for Ginny and her daughter, as there is obviously a lot of psychological instability between them. But what can you do?

Sigh. And people WONDER why I'm such a misanthrope.

and back to me...

It's so hard to remain Christ-like when you have people like this in the world. People who don't have anything better to do with their time than to hurt others. To belittle our hurt, and the way that we deal with it.
I guess this "Emily" (< if that's really her name??) would love the faces of loss, faces of hope, huh? A site that recognizes not only stillbirth but miscarriage and infant loss? How dare they.

I'm going to pray that this (angry?) person finds the peace that she needs in this world. That God would dissolve the anger that she has in her heart, and the He would protect her from every experiencing what we babyloss moms cope with on a daily, hourly, minute basis. God bless Emily.

this & that

Today marks day three of Provera round four. *sigh* Now it's just a waiting game. Fun fun. :) I can't wait to be finished up with this medicine and on to the next one. We'll be one step closer. I am just praying that God will see fit to bless us this month. It would make life a lot easier on the pocketbook.

I miss the beach. It was so nice and relaxing. Didn't have to take my beta blockers one time the whole time I was gone. But this week, it's back to work, and back into the full swing of things. Oh the joys. Nah, it's really not that bad. I just wish that I could go on vacation for months at a time and never have to work. That would be nice. :) It's a nice dream anyways.

I think that Clif and I might be going to Gatlinburg one weekend soon. That would be fun. Another little stress relieving getaway.

Well, there wasn't really too much to say in this blog until I read another blogger buddies post. I'll be posting more later, but lets just say that I am furious over the way that this friend has been treated/talked about.

More to come...

Total Pageviews

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved