Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The one liner.

Yup. Took the test last night. Hence the "one line", it was negative. I know they said wait until Friday, but what's the point in waiting that long and letting my hopes get up, just to be crushed? I just knew in my heart that it was going to be negative. But it still killed me. Please pray for me, I really need it right now.
Last night, I sat in bed and cried and cried. Not really because I'm not pregnant... but because I don't know what's going on with my body. And I want to know.
I feel as if, if I can get things going with my cycles, that everything else will work itself out, ya know? I mean...I know that it probably won't be like that... but this is just annoying. =(
I am trying my very best to keep my chin up and fully rely on God... but that's hard sometimes. I want this so bad...too bad maybe. I KNOW with everything within me that things will happen in God's time, and if they DON'T happen at all... I will have to deal with that and praise God anyways! It's just so hard.
So I ask that today you pray for me in this way. Pray that God will give Dr.G the wisdom to understand my body (ha! good luck!), and that Dr.G may give me the medications that will work for me. Pray (again) that God will allow Clif and I to grow our family, in His time...and pray that His time is quickly. And pray that He will give Clif and I the understanding that we need during this time. That He will prepare our hearts for the joy and possibly disappointment that we may have ahead of us. And more importantly, that Clif and I will be able to continually praise Him through our storm.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Grrrrrrrrrr.............. I just keep telling myself, I love my doctor's office, I love my doctor's office... I LOVE MY DOCTOR'S OFFICE!
I called yesterday about no cycle, and the nurse tells me it can take up to ten days. THEN my nurse calls me this morning and leaves a message that says, Dr.G says that if my cycle isn't hear by this Friday that he wants me to take a pregnancy test? Makes me wonder if they know what end is up sometimes.
I called them last week for my blood results, and they said that I was definitely NOT pregnant... but now they are like, oh who knows. Okay, so they really aren't that flippant about it, but still.
And I'm 99% sure that I am not pregnant, but what if I was? I mean, I was on medications. But so far, what I have read about it - it's no big. And the nurse wasn't concerned about it at all. I'm just like... AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Geez...
Oh well, everything in His time. This is just one little annoying bump in the road. =)

Monday, March 29, 2010


Wow. This weekend went by so fast, but SO much happened. =) We were able to paint our living room,spare bedroom, and spare bathroom... cleaned like crazy too. My mom came over and washed every single bit of dirty laundry that I had, and dad helped Clif put new floor in the bathroom!! We also are in the middle of putting in a pedestal sink...which I love. Makes me wonder why in the world we didn't do some of these things while we were planning on living there forever. Ha! It's really beginning to look nice. We really hope to have the realtor come by before Wednesday and take pictures so we can have it on the market!! YAY! Praise the Lord that things have gone so smoothly with preparing the house to be sold.
*sigh* It has also been an emotionally draining weekend. Not really sure why, just has been. There have been a LOT of emotions flying around in the Smith household. I think that my "funk" from the other day may have rubbed off on Clif. =( Hopefully both of us will have a better week this week, in that sense anyways.
I know that some people have been worried that we really aren't "okay". Well, set your minds at ease, we're doing alright. As well as can be expected, maybe even a little better than expected. Don't get me wrong, we are still heartbroken, and Lilly's beautiful face is on our minds day in and day out, but we're getting along okay. Not quite time to haul us off to a looney bin!
These days I am feeling like I've been jipped (<----is that even spelled right?) =( I know that this is part of God's will for my life, but sometimes I can't help but feel like/think that this isn't fair. That I should be making plans of things to do with my daughter. We should be taking her to have her picture taken with the Easter Bunny (lol), there are so many things that I feel we are missing out on.
But we just keep on trusting that God is going to bless us...again. And we continue to pray that He might give us a double blessing *winks*
Speaking of "blessings"... my medications. I finished up the Provera, now we just wait until our little friend comes to visit, and then I take the Clomid (fertility med) days 5-9. I spoke with my nurse today because I was concerned about not starting yet (sorry guys), and she said that it can take up to TEN DAYS! It never took that long when I was on these meds before getting pregnant with Lillian. Oh well, my body is a lot different now...and been through a lot too! So I wait, and then call her back once I start...and then I have to go to the doctor and have an internal sonogram to check my ovaries for cysts, and a blood test to check progesterone (I guess?) to see if I ovulated. Then back to the doctor for a pregnancy test, and if it's negative, I get the Provera and Clomid for another month. WooHoo! haha!
I'm looking forward to a normal afternoon tomorrow! =) I get off at one, because I have to work this coming up Saturday....SO, I am meeting one of my bestest friends at Chick Fil A (YUM!) for lunch then going to hang out at the mall. Clif's graduation is coming up FAST...and I need something to wear, seeings that all the clothes that I have been wearing for the past year are now entirely too big! =) I think that I PROBABLY should buy some new shoes too....?
So that's my update...not really in order, or anything too important...just me, putting my thoughts and feelings out there!
Hope that you all had amazing weekends, and that you have an even better week.

Sending love to you all....


Friday, March 26, 2010


This is where I found myself last night. It was weird, nothing really happened that upset me, or should have depressed me. But I was in a funk. It was like a new wave of grief hit me. I hated it. I didn't cry...I didn't talk about it. My heart just ached way down deep. Like a toothache that just won't go away.
Maybe it's because my cycle should be just around the corner? I don't know... but it was bad. I laid in bed and just stared at the collage of pictures that I made for Clif (for Christmas). It's the lyrics to Lilly's song (Glory baby), and all the pictures from the positive pregnancy test, to my belly shot the day before I went to the hospital. And then all of her pictures too. Our hospital arm bands... pictures of Clif and me while I was pregnant. Nine months of memories that will forever haunt me. So that's what I fell asleep to. Looking at her pictures, reliving every moment of November 13th, and the days to follow.
=) I don't feel that I am moving backwards, I just... I guess I was just sad. I wanted to be sad, all by myself. And I was.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

*HE* gives me strength...

*Isaiah 40:29-31*
29)He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30) Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31) but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~What an amazing reminder of God's love for us. A reminder that when we don't have the strength to make it through the day, all we have to do is turn to Him and He will give the strength that we need. =)
God has given me strength beyond measure. More than I ever thought possible. I walk with my head up, I continue to praise Him through my storm... I have been stronger than I knew I could be.
If you had told me a year ago that my daughter was going to die before she was born, and that I would never see her grow up...I would have called you crazy. And I also would have told you that if that happened, I would literally die. That I could never go on with life. That life wouldn't be worth living.
But how can I say those things now? I can't. There have been so many amazing things happen through Lilly's life. And the awesome thing is, Lilly's life consisted of 9 months inside of me. She never breathed a breath! I mean, families have been mended (and not just ours), people stop and think about how special their children really are...people that have been out of church for years are back!!! And last but not least, Lilly's Grammy got saved two weeks ago!
Not boasting (AT ALL....please don't think that I am) I just want you to hear the testimony of the strength that God has given to Clif and me. When Clif's mom, "S" got saved, she told the ladies that she was with that she wanted what Clif and I had...and all these years, she had thought that she DID have it, but after seeing how we've made it through this time in our lives, and continued praising God. How we've clung to Him in our "storm"...she decided that she was going to move past her pride, and accept Jesus into her heart. As her personal Saviour!!
It's hard to believe that all of these things started with my beautiful gift from God, my Lillian Joy.
God is so good, isn't He? Just remember...when you don't have the strength to carry on, He is with you.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Okay, call me crazy. Maybe I am. Clif and I went to a revival meeting last night. We have heard the gentleman that spoke (Will Galkins) several times before. He actually spoke at some of the youth advances that Clif and I both were saved through.
Anywho...the last time I heard him speak was like five years ago. And he only had one child at that time. He now has five.
Before I go any further, I have to tell you guys this. Clif and I of course have been talking and dreaming of more children. We have been discussing a name that we want to use if God were to bless us with another baby girl. The name that we have been talking about, it's not because we have heard the name other's strickly because of the meaning. =) I love it.
At the beginning of the service, Will introduced his family. His middle child's name, Lilly. I don't remember his oldest girls name, or either of the boys...but the youngest girls name was...well, I can't tell you. =) But it was the name that we've been talking about for a girl. Then he turned and introduced his partners and their children...and referred to their children as "beans". That was it. I was sold...and so was Clif. If we have another baby girl, we already know her name.
=) On to other subjects... I had lunch with a new friend today. "K". It was a really really good time. I enjoyed it, and can't wait to do it again! It's so nice to have something to do on my lunch break, and have someone to talk to that can halfway relate to what I'm going through.
Don't get me wrong....I LOVE my "old" friends, but I think that making new ones is really good for me. And that's something that I used not to do very well...
So, "K" if you're reading this...I really enjoyed our time. And I am so thankful that God brought you and your hubby into our lives.
Hope everyone is having a fantastic week. And for those of you that struggle to keep your chin up from time to time (like me), remember... TRUST, oh and... Let go, and let God. =)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A little bit of happy...

I was really worried about the realtor coming to our house last night. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but our house is technically a double wide. It's on permanent foundation, so it's considered a house. Anyways, I was just worried that they would think that it was really dumpy, and that they would tell us that we weren't going to break even on our loan. That was my first problem. I didn't TRUST when I needed to most.
So they came last night and walked around, and they were totally impressed!! They couldn't believe the change that they saw in just two years. I mean, our house was pretty bad when we bought it. And we've done a ton of work to it. We replaced floors, painted, put in a new dishwasher and sink... we're remodling the spare bathroom this weekend...I mean, we've done a lot in our short two years living there. =)
They are saying that we should be able to pay off our loan, pay their fees, AND clear about $5,000. !!!! That would be SO amazing if it works out like that. I am still trusting and praying about it, and I know that His will will be done, because we are allowing Him complete control over the situation!
...we are working some more this weekend, calling them next week and putting it on the market. Then not the weekend of Easter, but the weekend after - they are going to be doing an open house. yay! Please pray with us that if this be the Lord's will that our house may be sold quickly.
Also, please continue to pray for me and the status of my uterus. =) Pray that the medicine will get the job done! And pray for us mentally/emotionally if it doesn't.
God bless each and every one of you.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Drugged up, and worn OUT!

First of all, I just want to say a big thank you to all the ones that have said a prayer for me during these last few weeks. Going back to the doctor was emotional. going back to the pharmacy to pick up my medications to start all the way back at square one was HARD. And now taking the medications are interesting.
Dr G gave me Provera to start my cycles, just like before. But it's actually making me cramp this time. Weird. Three more days of that, then five days into my cycle I'll start taking my Clomid. =)
I know that this is going to be a bumpy, emotional ride... but I am trusting the Lord.
Please continue to pray with us that if it be God's will, that He might bless us once again, and quickly!!
This weekend was a blur. We were SO busy. Saturday morning Clif and I got up and went to Lowe's and Walmart to pick up paint, and a few random things to work on the house with. When we got home, we weren't really seeing eye to eye on a certain subject (lol) so I went driving, just to give us both a little time. =) I went to the cemetery and spent a while there...actually I was there for a long time. It was nice. I took flowers and put in Lilly's vase, took one of the butterflies from her bedroom wall and clipped to the vase as well. I sat there, had my cry out, and then spent some much needed time in prayer.
It was such a beautiful day, I just walked throughout the cemetery...shocked at how many new graves there were. It was sad. =( But I think the time was good for me.
I went back home after that, and man did we accomplish a LOT. We moved around furniture, I went through all of my clothes and came up with three huge garbage bags full of clothes for a yard sale that my family is having! Yesterday after church, Clif and our cousin JB primed three rooms, and last night Clif painted one. =) I now have our closet, bathroom, and bedroom spotless. Kitchen is coming along...and living room and spare bedroom is a WRECK! ha! It's just because all of the furniture has been shoved in there out of the way while we paint.
Our realtor is coming over tonight...which I'm not really thrilled about. I really wanted to have everything finished before he came to see it. But he is headed out of town, and said that he basically just wanted to come and see the condition of the house. We plan to have it on the market by the first weekend in April!
Speaking of the house, and getting things ready... I am so thankful to have a husband who is willing to look out for me. Clif called our realtor and explained everything that happened, and told him that I did not want Lilly's room touched. I'm not painting her room, and I'm not packing up her things until/if we sell the house. =) Realtor was very understanding and said that it wouldn't be a problem.
I just honestly don't think that I would be able to do it. Packing her things away is going to be hard enough. Maybe I'll be pregnant then? Might make things a little easier, because some of the things would be moved to our new house for a new baby. But it's going to be heart wrenching regardless.
That's another thing. I think that we have decided that if we do sell our house, we are going to rent somewhere for about 6 months or so. This was we can put some money back in savings, and just to get ourselves back above water from me being out of work unpaid for so long.
Please continue praying for us as we are TTC, and trying to sell our house too. Pray that God's will be done in it all.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wednesday's Walk....down Memory Lane.

Ah, memory lane. =) Kinda bittersweet, don't you agree?? I love the memories, but I wish that I could relive them. Guess I'm weird like that.

Today's memory?? How can I chose just ONE? Hmmm...


Yup...she's my memory of the day. You see, Aleisha and I have been best of friends since we were seven..ish. So we're talking fifteen years of friendship. =) We've been through everything together...

When we were like 12 or 13, Aleisha's family moved about an hour away. =( It was horrible. ha! But we managed to stay close and maintain our friendship, for the most part. For the first few years after they moved, Aleisha would come to Salem on various weekends to stay with me. One particular memory comes to mind today.

We were probably 14 or so, and we decided that we wanted my parents to drop us in down... and just walk around. =) We went to eat, walked to Walmart... and then got a hair brained idea that we were going to walk to our local Goodwill store...without my parents knowing. This particular Goodwill was about three (maybe four) miles away. We made the walk, scared to death that my parents (who were out in town) would see us. They actually called at one point and time and asked where we were...and they were about to pass where we were walking, which got our hearts pounding. They would have KILLED us!!

I don't remember much about else about it, other than Aleisha tried on a wedding dress. =) That's it.

Might not be too entertaining for you all to read, but it is a great memory! Memory of when we were young...still innocent (well maybe not!...) and carefree.

Sometimes I really wish that I could go back to those days...back to the days when things were easy.

I am so thankful to God for the Godly/amazing friends that He has blessed me with! I love you Aleisha!!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Let go...and let God.

Hmmm. So I went to a revival type meeting last night. Not really going for any particular reason, other than I really like the speaker. He's one of those old time hell fire & brimstone type. =) He is an amazing man of God.
I didn't really go for any other reason than that, and I really didn't expect to be blessed. But I was. Funny how God works like that, huh?
He spoke from Exodus 2:10-10. The story of Moses. I guess it had gotten past me all the times that I heard this story before... but Moses' mom hid him for THREE months before putting him in the basket, and sending him down the Nile. Can you imagine how stressful?? Trying to keep the baby quiet and hidden from Pharaoh? She knew that if they found her precious baby boy, that he would be killed. How awful that must have been, knowing that at some point and time, your child was going to be too big to hide...and that dying because of who he was, was inevitable.
Anyways, the thing that the pastor kept saying throughout the message was, "Let go of your basket...". A good point that he made, Moses' mother kept Moses hidden for three months, because she didn't want to let go of her little boy. She didn't want to give him up, even though she knew that's what she would have to do in the end. She, like any other mother, had dreams for her son. Plans for his future. Plans, just like Clif and I had plans for our Lilly. But God had bigger plans for Moses' life. He allowed Moses to lead the Israelites out of bondage, and He allowed Moses to write the first five books of the Bible, not to mention several other things that Moses did!
How amazing it was to hear that story again. Hear that when Moses' mother finally decided to "let go of her basket", God really began to work. Pharaoh's daughter spotted Moses' basket and had a maid fetch it. Moses' sister offered to find someone to take care of the baby...which ended up being Moses' own MOTHER! How much of a God thing is that?!?!
Anyways, one of the main things that the Pastor was getting at was... you've got to let go of your "basket" or your problem, and LET GOD take care of it!! He has plans for each and every one of us, if only we will give Him the control.
So...what did I gain from that? I held the "basket" of losing my little girl for a short time, but then realized that I had to give it to God. This all transpired while I was still in the hospital. But the "basket" that I've been gripping...holding on trying to get pregnant again.
It was hard the first time, and I know it's going to be extremely emotional this time. But I have fully given this over to the Lord. If Clif and I are meant to have another child of our own, God will allow it. If not, then we will have to learn to live with that. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but we will live anyhow.
On that note, Clif said something the other night that made me happy. He has always been opposed to the idea of adoption. But, the other night he said that he wouldn't mind adopting a child in the states. I of course want to try and have more of our own children, but I've always said that after we have our children, I want to adopt one. =) So it made me happy to see this breakthrough with my hubby!
I've also been reading a book by a Pastor from our area, something about dealing with a bitter cup (can't remember the title). In that book, your problems are referred to your "bitter cup". And in this book, the pastor shares scripture and assures you that, it's ok not to like what you're going through. It's ok not to like the "bitter cup" you have been served...just don't become bitter...become better! I will share more about this book as I finish reading it. The pastor that wrote the book is actually the father of the couple whose little boy was born still a few weeks back.
=) Please pray for me. It was a little upsetting calling the doctors office this morning to get the results of my pregnancy test. Of course, I had already taken a home test and knew that I wasn't pregnant...but it was still rough hearing the nurse say, "I'm sorry, but you're not pregnant". **Sigh** Anywho...I will start my Provera today, and then Clomid on day 5 of my next cycle. FUN stuff. =)
God is good, all the time. And remember...when you're holding on to a basket, and it gets too big
to carry alone...let go, and let God!!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Doctors, clamps...and cramps?

So today was my doctors appointment. FUN stuff. Not really...ha! It was... an experience to say the least. (I do have to say that having my friend, "A" with me at the office helped a lot.) But a praise (?) is that I didn't "start"...because I have been cramping, and thought that I was going to. If I had, I would have had to wait a whole week before going to the doctor, and then a whole month before getting back on my medications.
I have had myself all worked up since last night...worried about what the doctor may or may not say/do. =) Then this morning, since I was already wiggin out, I was blood pressure is going to be WAY up. This is where the fun really begins...
Dr.G was on call today, so I had to call to make sure he was there before I left work. Lucky for me, he WAS at least that much worked out. I got to the office, went to sign in...and the receptionist (who has always been kind of mean to me) asked for a copy of my insurance card (which was ok, because my insurance was renewed in January), but then she asked for my emergency contact information. Uh, hello! I have been going to this office since October 2008. GEEZ! So I had to give all that info...
Next, they called me back. Took my blood pressure. It was 140/80. Which is borderline... but compared to the 160/102 it's been being...I was pretty happy about it. =) They weighed me, and were very impressed with my almost 40 pound weight loss in four months.
I was then sent to the second waiting area, and after about ten or fifteen minutes the nurse came to get me. She takes me back to the exam room, and starts asking me all the routine questions.
She then asks, "How old is that little one of yours now?". I lost it. I looked at her, and was like, "My daughter was stillborn." Poor nurse, SHE started crying. She hadn't reviewed my file, and I'm assuming that the glasses threw her that was hard. It was hard enough going back into the office without her mentioning it. =(
After that came seeing Dr G. At least he remembered who I was!! Though, he forgot that I was there for my pap. He didn't even seem to remember that he was the one that told me to come in a month early for it! And then he was real vague about my medicines. It was weird. But everything worked out okay.
I would be like, alright I am going to find another doctor's office to go to... but I really like Dr G. He's been great, and I wouldn't want to have to find another doctor, and fill him in on all of my body's craziness...and everything with Lilly.
He didn't say anything about my blood pressure, so that made me feel better. Since it would have been normal if I hadn't of been freaking out about it. They drew blood to make sure that I'm not pregnant (I'll call for results in the morning), then I'll go to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up my Provera and Clomid. FUN! =) I'm actually looking forward to it.
When I became pregnant with Lilly, it was my third (?) round of Clomid, at 150mg. Dr G wants to start me back at 50mg, and work from there. He said that if he starts me out at 150mg, then we would have to continue that dosage, and sometimes it could actually interfere with ovulation.
So yeah, that was my day. =) A little sad, a little happy. We're headed off to a revival meeting tonight, which I'm pretty excited about!
Hope everyone had a great weekend, and if you think about it...say a prayer for me as I embark on my bumpy road of conception...again. =)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Our Reality.

It's in. My little girls headstone. Finally.'s been four months since she passed away, it seems like we have been waiting for this "little" thing forever! I am so thankful that it's in.
It was installed yesterday, and Clif and I went to go see it last night, but when we got there...the cemetery was CLOSED! At five o'clock. Weird. So we went on our lunch breaks today.
It was an emotional time, but I needed this. I needed to have this small piece of something that says hey! Lillian Joy Smith was a human, she existed...and was important to SOMEONE. That someone was her mommy and daddy...Clif and
I have to say, it was an emotional time. I mean, it was hard taking that walk again. Walking across the lawn that I walked across four months ago. The day we carried her body to it's final resting place.
It was heart wrenching... it was like it finalized everything. She's really gone...and she's not coming back.
It was also heartbreaking to see all the other headstones in "The Garden Of Innocence" (<---I love that they call it that). There were probably 4-5 recent graves. They don't even have their headstones yet. Just fresh dirt and straw. It's so hard seeing all the names of those young children that never got to live their lives. *sigh* It was hard, but it was good. I'm so glad that it's in...and I'm so pleased with it. Now that all the serious things have been said...I have to tell you all about mine and Clif's blond moment.
If you'll notice... the flowers are laying on the headstone, and I brought them back home with me. I was so upset after waiting for SO long for it to be installed, and they didn't install the vase.
Well, I was talking to my supervisor "A" when I got back to work, and she mentioned that the vase might be inverted. I showed her the pictures, and sure enough. My dad called the cemetery and it IS inverted. =) No big, just means I get to make another trip over there.
Hope everyone had a great week..and has an even better weekend.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I am determined that today is going to be a good day. And tomorrow will be even better.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Yesterday was a decent day...until I got off of work. Bleh, again. I ran into a real issue with a friend. My afternoon was ruined...and I still had a long evening ahead of me. But I got through it, talked it out with my mom, mom in law, and hubby...took it to God, and I'm ok with it. I'm still a little hurt, but I'm getting over it. =)
But enough of the "bad stuff" for now...
I have to tell y'all. I had to go to the funeral home last night. The grandfather of one of my very best friends, "J", passed away. =( I've been friends with this guy...well forever. ha! Or at least since I was born. So I knew his grandfather pretty well. I grew up around him, and let me go ahead and tell you... he was an amazing man. He accomplished SO much in his lifetime! And such a great man of God.
We were standing around talking, and someone asked how long his grandparents had been married. 59 years!!! Can you believe it?!?! What an amazing example this beautiful, godly couple have put in front of all of us!
Hearing that just made me grin. I can only hope and pray that if Clif and I live long enough, that God may bless us with that many years of marriage! And happy at that!
I can't begin to tell you what a sweet couple they are/were. I've always though so much of them! Such a blessing!
"Js" grandmother is such a sweetie. You see, the grandfather has been ill for quite sometime now. And they weren't physically able to make it to Lilly's funeral. Well, when I spoke with the grandmother and told her that we were praying for her, and to please let us know if there was anything that we could do for her, the sweet lil thing was worried about me!
It was just a blessing to see that even during her time of sorrow, she was still concerned about others. The whole evening just really touched my heart. I can only strive to be like those sweet people.
So even though the evening started out bumpy, it ended bittersweet. It was bitter because the family had lost such an important member, but sweet because we know where he is...and he touched so many lives.
Also, after Clif and I got home and did the nightly ritual of packing lunches, ironing uniforms, and polishing boots...we were able to sit on the couch together, and look at a list of houses that our realtor sent to us. =) We found a few that we really like, and I think that we may be going to look at one or two tonight. We still have to put our house on the market so I am not getting my hopes up, but we plan to have that done in 2-3 weeks. We've been talking to our realtor and he seems to think that now is a good time to sell...and buy. So we shall see!! Pray for us as we try to sell, that it might be in God's timing...and that He will show us the house that we should be in. =)
Hope you are all having a wonderful week. May God bless each of you that reads these words.

With Love,

Monday, March 8, 2010

Weekend from...well, you know.

...It only hurts when I'm breathing
...My heart only breaks when it's beating
...My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

This pretty much sums up how I was feeling this weekend, and unfortunately these feelings have creeped into this week with me too.My weekend. Bleh. Over it. Done. Ok, so it might not have been the WORST weekend ever, but it really wasn't great. We had ups and downs all weekend long. It feels like it lasted FOREVER, but then on the other hand it went by in a flash.
**sigh** Friday was horrible with a capital "F". I lost it in my bosses office, and then walked around on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. =(
As I said before hand, Friday was an emotional day. One year since I found out that I was pregnant with Lilly. It was just...hard.
Saturday was hard. Clif and I were at each others throats all day - for no real reason. So that was emotional. A good side of Saturday was the was did meet up with some friends at the mall for a few hours. ;-) That was a nice change of pace.
Sunday...emotional. So many thoughts running through my head. I know that fellow church members probably thought that I was a brat...especially a certain few. I have a friend that I've mentioned before...that had her baby a few months after Lilly passed away. We went through our whole pregnancies together. And when I walked in and saw the baby on Sunday, I just kept on walking. I know it was rude, I know that I probably came across as a jerk. But after the things that I dealt with on Friday, and then the weekend that followed...oh well. I can't please everyone, and that's just how I was feeling. Ya know?
So with about a million different emotions running crazy in my body...and Clif's's just been. Bleh.
Thanks for everyones prayers, keep em coming!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

the day my life changed forever...

It was March 4th, 2009. We were getting ready for our week long trip to Texas. That was the night that I took a pregnancy test, and found that it was positive. One year.

Tomorrow will be one year since my nurse called and confirmed what we knew...I was pregnant. And only two weeks along!!!

What do I have to show for it a year later?? Some pictures, a nursery full of unused baby items, stretch marks, a c-section scar, and a broken heart. Oh yeah, and empty arms.

This isn't how I pictured my life...though it is what it is. I can't change it...and I don't think I would if I could. I mean, I'd give my own life if Lilly could be living today. But, I am so grateful that she never has to worry with the things of the world.

I love you my sweet Lilly Bean. Forever.

"He is With You" ~Mandisa

There’s a time to live And a time to die
There’s a time to laugh And a time to cry
There’s a time for war And a time for peace
There’s a hand to hold In the worst of these
He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can’t even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn’t kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby’s gone
And your house is still, And your heart’s a stone
Cryin’ God, what’d You do that for
He is with you
There’s a time for yes And a time for no
There’s a time to be angry And a time to let it go
There is a time to run And a time to face it
There is love to see you Through all of this
He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don’t know you anymore
He is with you in the ICU When the doctors don’t know what to do
And it scares you to the core He is with you
We may weep for a time But joy will come in the morning
The morning light
He is with you when your kids are grown
When there’s too much space And you feel alone
And you’re worried if you got it right or wrong
Yes He is with you when you’ve given up on ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home He is with you
When nothing else is left And you take your final breath He is with you

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

It is well...

When peace like a river, attendeth my soul,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say...

It is well...It is well...with my soul.
I just wanted to share a little something today. As I shared yesterday, an acquaintance of mine lost her baby a few days ago. She spent yesterday in labour, and finally gave birth to her son. Her father and I are friends on facebook...and last night, his status read the words above. He was thankful that his beautiful grandson is in the arms of Jesus.
And it hit me, as much as I may complain to you that read my blog faithfully...and as much as I may allow my pain to overtake me somedays...I can honestly say, It is well with my soul.
I know where my daughter is. She will never have to experience the sin of this world. She entered into the arms of Jesus...completely perfect. Not too many parents can say that.
I don't mean to contradict myself, but if you read this, please say a prayer for me. I've got a rough few days ahead of me. I'm trying to be strong...but it's going to be hard.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


Wow. That's pretty much all that I have to say right now. I know that God is in complete control of our lives. I believe that.
It's just that lately, when it rains... it really pours. I shared with you all last week when our friends lost their baby at twelve weeks.Well, on my way to work this mom texted me to let me know that a girl that I know (not very well, but I still know her) lost her baby. I'm not sure if it was yesterday, or when... but she was five months pregnant. Her and her husband have to face a little more of what Clif and I had to face almost four months ago. She went into the hospital last night I believe, and is in labour as I type.
Once again, I am devastated for this young couple. Like us, this was their first child. Everything had been going wonderfully... no problems whatsoever. And BAMM. Their baby is gone. Forever. With no warning.
My first instinct is to say that we have some horrible doctors in our area, that they really need to learn how to take care of healthy, pregnant women. But I don't believe that it's their fault...not for a second. Though, it does make one wonder what's going on.
However, I do believe that God is going to use me. And not just me, but Clif too. We have been through something horrible, and great things have come from our pain. I think that He is really going to use us in helping others going through similar and the same situations that we had to face. And still continue to face daily.
This also fuels my fire of fear for future pregnancy. It seems that everyone around me are losing their babies. Since Lilly was born still, two of my friends have had healthy babies. That's it...two. The rest have lost theirs. I want to question God. I want to scream WHY?!? But I don't. I trust Him, with my life, our lives...with everything. I just wish that I understood, but I am certain that I'm not supposed to understand least, not now.
Please be in prayer for this young couple who have lost their child, and must go through labour to be rewarded with nothing, except seeing their little one. And I don't even know how that will go with her being only five months along ????? And also, please continue to pray for the "F" family that lost their baby last week.

**UPDATE** I found out while on my lunch break that as far as we know, she is still in labour. This was her first child, as I said before...and she is 28 years old. Please pray for this couple, and their families as they face this hard time.

Monday, March 1, 2010

...jumbled thoughts.

I feel as if someone is slowly choking the life out of me. I am so overwhelmed by everything right now, I just don't know how to act. Don't get me wrong, my life is a good life...for the most part. Things are just starting to close in on me all at once.I don't mean to complain...and I'm not really. It's just, things are moving fast at work...and at home. It seems like Clif just started school yesterday, and he graduates on April 9th. I went to pay a bill this morning, and realized I
had like 5 to pay. So much for being ahead, right? ha! In fact, I realized that I was supposed to pay one last week, and forgot about there goes another hundred dollars.

I just want to get ahead for once....

We are tossing around the idea of trying to sell our house. It was a good starter house for us two and a half years ago, but it's not a great house. We've been able to afford it, thank God. But we just wanna move out of the country. Not too many people say that, most people want to move away from the city and away from people. But we've had our fair share of me being home alone.... not being able to get up our driveway all Winter because of snow. Creepy neighbors... we want a change of scenery.
I guess my real issue is, life is moving forward.Fast. Really fast. And I don't want it to. Well,'s not that I don't want to move forward's just that I feel as if I am moving forward, I am leaving Lilly behind. I don't want her to be in my past. She was supposed to be my future. If she were here, I wouldn't care if we had a crappy house. I wouldn't care if things were tight financially. Ok, maybe I would care...but it'd be a lot easier if I had her with me.
And that's another thing. I know that God is in control of my life, completely. And I know that He has plans for Clif and me. But I'm already nervous about my doctors appointment...and I still have two weeks before it gets here. Not only nervous...but scared. I'm scared because I'm afraid of what he might tell me. Not that I have reason to believe that anything is wrong, but I'm just anxious about it. I'm scared because I have to go alone. Clif will be in school, and he can't miss. So I'm on my own this time.

I can't wait, but I'm so nervous about becoming pregnant again. I was so careful about everything I did during my pregnancy with Lilly. And I know that I'm going to be super protective if God allows me to have a second pregnancy. I've already given up not only soft drinks, but also caffeine in preparation for the next baby.
Sorry this is all's just what I'm feeling today. =) Hope you all had a great weekend...God bless.

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