Sunday, April 3, 2011

i still miss her.

With everything that I am.

With every fiber of my being.

I've missed her for 506 days...and I don't see that changing any time soon. She is on my mind constantly, every single day.

I can't believe it's been *almost* seventeen months since we said goodbye to her...before we even got the chance to say hello.

One fear that I've had since November 13,2009 is that I would forget. That I'd forget her...forget that day, forget the details of my pregnancy with her. Just forget. But I don't forget... I remember more and more by the day. Today, I am remembering the first time we saw our little Bean. April 15th,2009. In all reality, she didn't even look like a baby at that point...more like a blob...actually, like a bean :) I still remembering seeing and hearing her little heart beat for the first time. Laying there, Clif holding my hand... and tears running down my cheeks. There's nothing in the world like hearing the heart beat of your little baby.



Fast forward a few months - another ultrasound. In June... though I don't remember the exact day. It's the day that we learned we were having a Lillian Joy, not a Hayden James. I remember the look on Clif's face when V told us that we were most definitely having a little girl. "See those three lines," she asked, "you're having a little girl!" Again, tears rolled down my face...and I couldn't help but laugh. I'd been telling Clif all along that I was carrying a little girl inside of me.




A few months after that? Another TWO ultrasounds - 4D, actually. :) We saw what our little girl would look like. Kind of creepy at first, but amazing in the end.




All that to say - I still miss her. And just because this blog has had a lot of talk about our current blessings... doesn't mean that we have forgot our first. She is the reason for it all. And we will never forget.

9 comments:

That corgi :) said...

of course you will never forget little Lillie. She is always a part of your family and as they grow, you will share her story with your other children, but she will always be your first precious little one.

hugs to you

betty

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

So sorry for your loss - of course she'll always be with you in your heart and your memories.

Betty said...

I know how you feel. We are coming up on our little girl's one year "birthday"....I remember coming home from the hospital after having our rainbow and crying because I still missed her so much. They truly can never be replaced.

Caroline said...

I know how you feel you never forget. She is always with you.
I still cry just this weekend was that.
Take care & {{HUGS}}

Holly said...

You'll never, ever forget!

Raquel said...

She will always be in our hearts! :-)

B's Mom said...

It's been three years for me and I still have an ache in my heart. You always will.

MommyBecca said...

I found a poem that may speak to your heart. It's by Anne Morrow-Lindbergh after the loss of her nearing toddler child.
Second Sowing
For whom
The milk ungiven in the breast
When the child is gone?
For whom the love locked up in the heart
That is left alone?
That golden yield
Split sod once, overflowed an August field,
Threshed out in pain upon September's floor,
Now hoarded high in barns, a sterile store
Break down the bolted door,
Rip open, spread and pour
The grain upon the barren ground
Wherever crack in clod is found
There is no harvest for the heart alone,
The seed of love must be
Eternally
Resown.

Oddly she chose to resow her lost love to God...What a woman...I wish I were that strong and I pray that you are filled with strength and peace.

MommyBecca said...

I found a poem that may speak to your heart. It's by Anne Morrow-Lindbergh after the loss of her nearing toddler child.
Second Sowing
For whom
The milk ungiven in the breast
When the child is gone?
For whom the love locked up in the heart
That is left alone?
That golden yield
Split sod once, overflowed an August field,
Threshed out in pain upon September's floor,
Now hoarded high in barns, a sterile store
Break down the bolted door,
Rip open, spread and pour
The grain upon the barren ground
Wherever crack in clod is found
There is no harvest for the heart alone,
The seed of love must be
Eternally
Resown.

Oddly she chose to resow her lost love to God...What a woman...I wish I were that strong and I pray that you are filled with strength and peace.

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