With everything that I am.
With every fiber of my being.
I've missed her for 506 days...and I don't see that changing any time soon. She is on my mind constantly, every single day.
I can't believe it's been *almost* seventeen months since we said goodbye to her...before we even got the chance to say hello.
One fear that I've had since November 13,2009 is that I would forget. That I'd forget her...forget that day, forget the details of my pregnancy with her. Just forget. But I don't forget... I remember more and more by the day. Today, I am remembering the first time we saw our little Bean. April 15th,2009. In all reality, she didn't even look like a baby at that point...more like a blob...actually, like a bean :) I still remembering seeing and hearing her little heart beat for the first time. Laying there, Clif holding my hand... and tears running down my cheeks. There's nothing in the world like hearing the heart beat of your little baby.
Fast forward a few months - another ultrasound. In June... though I don't remember the exact day. It's the day that we learned we were having a Lillian Joy, not a Hayden James. I remember the look on Clif's face when V told us that we were most definitely having a little girl. "See those three lines," she asked, "you're having a little girl!" Again, tears rolled down my face...and I couldn't help but laugh. I'd been telling Clif all along that I was carrying a little girl inside of me.
A few months after that? Another TWO ultrasounds - 4D, actually. :) We saw what our little girl would look like. Kind of creepy at first, but amazing in the end.
All that to say - I still miss her. And just because this blog has had a lot of talk about our current blessings... doesn't mean that we have forgot our first. She is the reason for it all. And we will never forget.