Saturday, June 5, 2010

weekend pains...

To my babyloss mamas out there...

Have you ever caught yourself wondering what your child would have been like? What you life would have been like?

This is where I find myself at today, actually...most days.

Like this morning, as I was throwing some last minute things in my bag for our weekend away. I couldn't help but let my mind drift to,

"...I wonder if we would be going on this trip if Lilly had lived."

"...Would we have been able to afford to be so spontaneous?"

"... I bet she would have loved car rides."

I can't help but think these things, think about how life would be if she were still living. How things were be if I didn't live with empty arms, and a broken heart.

"...Would she be crawling by now?"

"...I wonder if she would have been a picky eater like her daddy?"

"...I bet her hair would have turned blond, like ours did."

I can't help but think, "this isn't fair". I've heard a million times, "life's not fair." I believe it now. Life isn't fair...and I have to struggle daily with not hating this life.

I have been blessed. least that's what I have remind myself of daily and sometimes hourly. But that's okay. I know my God loves me, and I know... "this to shall pass". Or, at least that the pain should eventually dull.


Em said...

I ask myself thos type of questions all the time. It isn't fair. It just plain sucks!

Anonymous said...

Oh Desi... praying for you... feel that tightness? That's a hug from me!

belle said...


elena said...

I have found myself having these same thoughts. What would she be like, what would we be doing? Sometimes we can take it day by day but most times I find its a moment by moment climb. sending *hugs*

love and prayers

The Blue Sparrow said...

There is not a day that goes by that I dont wonder all of those things too. Its hard not too, were mommies. I have to remind myself that Im blessed too and then God does the most amazing things to show me that I really am. Keep your head up! *HUGS*

That corgi :) said...

hugs to you. I would imagine you will always have these wonders and these questions about sweet Lillian. She will always be a part of your life. not to compare, but my mom died almost 4 years ago. I type medical reports for my job; I will see a report of someone who was born the same year she was and I wonder how their health is, how my mom would have been if she was still alive, etc. (but she lived a long life so that's why there is no comparison to the pain you feel with losing Lillian, but wanted to share that I think it is "normal" to wonder about things like this)

Life is not fair you right. and life is hard too. But that's when we trust in God and know that he loves us and has a plan and is in control

(hope you enjoyed your weekend getaway)


Trennia said...

I sure do.
I find myself doing this mental mind check every single day, my baby girl would have been two and I still wonder, what if,and what would...all the time and of course the big one, Why?
I'm can email whenever you need too.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean although my situation is a little different. While I had a m/c at 6 wks and never had to deal with the devastation you have, I faithfully follow (anonymously) the blog of a woman who was on the January 09 boards with me from wte (what to expect). I look at how her daughter has grown and follow all of her firsts and wonder what all of those things would have been like for me. I can only imagine how much harder that must be for you since your sweet Lilly was actually born into your loving arms. I'm so sorry for all that you've had to endure.

Lori said...

I don't think we'll ever not have those comparisons....which is hard, isn't it?

Lifting you up!

elena said...

I definitely have found myself wondering what she would have been like today. I have actually been doing that a lot recently. Many *hugs* to you.


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