Friday, June 25, 2010

frumpy,grumpy and down in the dumpy.

Thank the Lord I am going to see a movie with a friend tonight. *sigh* Clif is still on night shifts and has to work all weekend. BOO!

I guess you can say I'm...sad. Not depressed really, but definitely sad. I started using the fertility monitor again this month, and so far it's just "low fertility". Last month as soon as I started testing, it was reading "high fertility". :( I'm trying not to get down in the dumps...but it's hard.

Oh yeah....AND I am bloated and look like a fat cow.

But then on the bright side, maybe last month the medicine was interfering with the machine... and this month the machine is working? It's day we shall see. I finish up my Clomid tomorrow.

I'm anxious...I'm scared, and I'm hopeful.

Onto another depressing note. I was invited to a baby shower. Well, this person told my mom that I was invited, but they understood if I didn't come. I had half way planned on going. It was for a girl who had a miscarriage a while back, and I've known her husband for like my whole life. But then the other night I found out that her sister in law is pregnant. I'm so excited for both of these girls, but I told my mom I just can't be in a room with that many pregnancy hormones. NOT a good idea. And I don't want to dampen the mood of the whole shower with my presence. Plus, I don't know if she's having a boy or girl. And that would have been a factor in going anyways. If it were a girl...there is no way. I just can't handle it right now...and I think that's okay.

Everyone is pregnant and I'm starting to feel like, "uh hello! what about me?" When I became pregnant with Lilly, no one was pregnant. Well, ok I did know one person at the time...but we weren't speaking. Then it was like as soon as we announced it, everyone was trying. And ended up pregnant...and having healthy,happy, LIVE babies. Now that I'm not pregnant and WANT to be, EVERYONE is announcing that they are pregnant. Seriously, I know SO many people that either JUST had a baby in the last few weeks....getting ready to pop any minute....or going to be due in the coming months.

I find myself thinking more and more about adoption, but I just feel like that's me trying to find the easy way out. A quick "fix" if you will. I think, well if we adopted an infant it wouldn't depend on my body. It would be safe, and hopefully uneventful. But then I think of how God must look at those thoughts. I need to trust my Heavenly Father - in that, if He sees fit to entrust me with another life within me - that He will give me the health and stamina to make it through 38 weeks.

I am desperately praying that He will bless us with another baby. I know that our prayers do not go unheard. He cares what I'm praying, and I am looking forward to an answer. One thing that I have to accept though is that the answer I receive may not be the one that I want.

I'm Terrified...
But I know that God will see me through EVERY storm in my life, just as He has these last months.
July 13th will be eight months. My heart continues to break as November draws near. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful employer that is allowing me to take a week off right around November 13th. Clif and I are just going to leave town. I can't even begin to tell you the grief that takes over my heart when I even think about that trip...


Trennia said...

I've been thinking about you so much,and praying too.I know how you feel wanting to be pregnant after a loss.I was sure when Emily passed away in my hubby & my arms God would reward us again,but then I almost hemmoraged to death and I knew God was telling me know more biological children for me,but I stuggled and I would love to adopt but it's totally up to the Lord.And speaking of pregnant my use to be friend got preggo's right after Emily died then my step daughter and so went the circle...and I was hurt...I was jealous.I know it wasn't right but I was...but please know I'm praying for you!

Anonymous said...

I haven't been invited to any baby showers yet (thank GOD none of my in real life friends are pregnant... that I know of anyway.) but I know that despite how well I do on a daily basis generally, I could NOT handle a baby shower. Especially for a girl... sigh. I don't blame you one bit.

That corgi :) said...

I think it is perfectly acceptable not to go to baby showers until you are ready to go to baby showers; I never did go when we were struggling with infertility. I think you will know in your heart if/when God would lead you down a road to adoption (which is a great thing to pursue if you thought he was leading you down that road). I was thinking about you the other day; you are in that age where everyone of your friends/acquaintances/age group will be getting married, having babies, etc. It is hard, I know it is although I didn't suffer a loss like you/Clif did. I think the trip, although as hard as it will be, is a "good" idea. Movie tonight sounds like fun too; sorry Clif has to work the weekend :(

praying for you


Lori said...

That's the hard thing, isn't it???? Knowing what we DESPERATELY want may not be what we get.

We've already been down that road and it thank you to more, if possible, Lord.

I am praying this is your cycle and you will have that new hope...never replacement but just something to be hopeful for again.

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