Thursday, June 10, 2010

one line of disappointment.

Yup. :) I knew it was coming, but I was visited by another "one liner" on Wednesday morning. For those of you who don't follow... I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative.
So, I got to spend half an hour waiting for my prescriptions in the pharmacy...just to be told that they were sent back. I finally got them yesterday afternoon, and I am currently taking my third dose of Provera. After ten days of this and after the start of my cycle I will start round three of Clomid. Come on 150 mg!!
Please please please pray for Clif and me in the coming month. I hate this emotional roller coaster that we're on. But it's my life, and I have to learn how to live with it.
:( I went into her room tonight. I haven't been in there for a long time... I just wanted to look in there for a few minutes. But once I went in there, I lost it. I just sat there, overwhelmed with the new round of grief. It hit me, and it hit me hard. And worst part, Clif wasn't here.
I miss her SO much...and this is such an emotional time for me. The road to conception...again. And everything I do or say comes back to her. Comes back to the fact that I have empty arms and a broken heart.
Most days are pretty good days for me... but today, oh my gosh. It was bad. My heart literally aches.
Seven months have gone by...you wouldn't think that I would still have these break downs. But I do. Am I the only one? Is this normal? Do I need my head checked out? ha. No... I know it's not bad. I think it's okay crying over my daughter that is no longer with me.
I don't know what the "rights" and "wrongs" of grieving the loss of a child.
I mean...it's been seven months. Should everything still be in place in her room? Should it all be boxed up and taken away? I love her, and I respect her memory. But how long can I keep it up? :(
So I guess I'm just having "one of those" days. I miss my daughter, and I hurt because of it.
But again, still praising Him. I know that He has a perfect plan for Clif's and my life. And I cannot wait for those plans to be revealed to us.

8 comments:

Holly said...

I'm sorry it was neg and I'll be praying for you guys for this next month. I hope the 150 works!

Jennifer said...

I just commented on your other post, but I wanted to tell you one more thing. That is...Until YOU are ready! Take it as slow as you want to. There is no timetable to follow. Just follow your heart.

That corgi :) said...

I am so sorry. I think you will know when it is the right time to change around her room. Like I said before, I don't think there is a preset amount of time that is right for everyone; people grieve in their own time. will continue to pray for you both!

betty

Lori said...

Oh honey---of COURSE it's normal!!!! You loved and carried that precious little girl for her whole life and there's no way that it's just done and overwith in missing her after 7...or 70+ years, for that matter.

Praying for this month and this cycle for you!!!
xoxo

croleyc69 said...

I'm praying for you and Cliff so much. I think of you so often. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you either. There is no right or wrong way to grieve , whatever you need to do. Everyone is different.

{{HUGS}}
Caroline

Kylie's Mommy said...

I ran across your blog.. My daughter actually passed away almost 4 months ago.. We plan on trying again soon.. and I know how stressful and overwhelming it can be.. I just wanted to tell you Good luck. I know that it can cause pain and joy at the same time.. Just remember that things happen according to God's plan..not ours.. If you'd like you can read our story..http://hpayne0315.blogspot.com/

elena said...

I am so sorry to hear it was negative, will definitely be keeping you and Clif in my prayers.

Misty said...

I'm a first time visitor.

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. We lost Isaac April 8, 2009, he lived 70 minutes.

I have had two miscarriages now since his death, we're going to try to get pregnant again here in the next couple months as well.

I have used Clomid several times to get pregnant. I wanted to ask you, too - - - have you ever paired Metformin with Clomid?? Clomid alone for me never worked, but Clomid plus Metformin worked beautifully.... I just wanted to ask, I guess.

Thinking of you.

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