Tuesday, June 22, 2010

and then there were eight...


This is what I am feeling today. I want to ask God WHY ... but I don't. I know that God would never hurt me. I know that for everything there is a reason. I just wish that I knew the reason behind losing my daughter.
In my last post, I mentioned that I can think of like seven women that I know that are pregnant. Well...make that eight. I just found out someone else that I know is expecting.
Really? Why can't I be in that number? Why can't I be pregnant? Why why why??? Why do I hurt? Why me and my baby? Why can't she be here with me?
Dang it, I am just so hurt right now. Please don't get me wrong as you read these words. I don't wish anything bad on these eight wonderful ladies that I know. I am happy for each and every one of them. BUT I am just over it.
Month in and month out I am trying my hardest to bring a little life into this world. I got my chance in 2009 and I failed. That's what I'm feeling like tonight... a failure.
I know that this is not the attitude to have. And that I should be grateful for every breath that I take. And I am. I'm just SO overwhelmed by pain and tinges of jealousy...and I am just gonna take it to the Lord and leave it there.
Please continue to pray for me. And I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record. Tomorrow is day two of Clomid round three.

9 comments:

belle said...

dear friend, you are NOT repeat, N-O-T, a failure! hang in there..... cling to His coat like the woman with the issue of blood. cling... hang on.... you are in my prayers. His answer will come. don't know when, don't know why... i have no answers but him. (now remind me on the days when i'm feeling like a failure will you;) because i feel this way so often!)

(((hugs)))

Jennifer said...

Who says we can not ask God why? I do all of the time. God is huge, He's big, He can take our questions. He may or may not show you the answers, but it's alright to ask. I do not think that asking why is questioning God or being disrespectful to Him. I think not communicating with Him would be much worse. I think part of laying it down at His feet is saying Lord what is your purpose for me and why did you choose this path for me. I remember praying one or several nights and all I could get out was, "Why God, why." Nothing else would come. If you are a child of His, He will NOT turn his back on you no matter what. So many prayers for peace tonight! Hugs.

Lori said...

Oh Desiree....you aren't a failure--you are not in control!!!!

I don't even want to ask why because there won't be an answer that's good enough for me (look at me telling God His answers wouldn't be good enough?!) but I do have those feelings in my heart...why? Why is it so hard? Why has it been so hard? Why did we get all the way to the end and then still come home empty armed?

I'm sorry you are hurting and I wish I could do something tangible for you--you are in my prayers and specifically praying that clomid round three is the one!

The Blue Sparrow said...

It's hard not to get a little overwhelmed in our shoes isnt it? I will be praying for you and wishing you lots of baby dust! *HUGS*

That corgi :) said...

I repeat what Belle said, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! I don't know why God allowed this to happen and why you aren't pregnant again. But I know God sees the big picture and for whatever reason, he is waiting and I'm not sure how long the waiting will be. I will continue to pray for you.

betty

Hannah Rose said...

oh Desiree...I'm so sorry your feeling these things. this journey is such a rollercoaster ride. I definitely know about feelings of jealousy. you are not a failure!! remember God has a plan...easier said than done, but girl, I'm praying for ya!

Em said...

I'm so sorry. I've felt that way too. I hope you have success soon.

...and I hope you get some answers on what is going on with your heart.

Holly said...

I pray that this round of Clomid will work for you. I've asked why before and I've def been jealous. Part of the journey I guess. It sucks!

elena said...

I've definitely had these thoughts myself. I think we need to allow ourselves to feel this way so I see nothing wrong in this post. This is how you feel as of this moment and is completely validated.

I will be praying that this round works for you and Clif.

Many hugs,
elena

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