movie

So. The movie was good. Not great, but good. :) I'm glad that I went to see it...however I am not glad that I had to get up at 7:10 this morning. We got home but had some issues and didn't lay down to go to sleep until 3:30. Needless to say I am dead girl walking today.

Clif has to work tonight, so HE gets to sleep in till three. Lucky dog. :)

Say a prayer...

Please say a prayer for an old friend of mine. "K's" father passed away last night. The service is tonight at 6:00. :( I won't be able to attend, but my heart will be with her and her family. "K" if you're reading this, I'm so sorry Honey...and if there is anything that you need please just let me know. I love you guys...and praying SO much for you today.

I want to suck your blood...

We have got a fun packed day ahead of us!! I am going to get my hair cut at two, then Clif is meeting me and we are running errands. Dinner at bdubs (.45 wings!!) and then to a revival meeting at Church.

After church we are headed home so I can get changed and then we will head to the midnight showing of Eclipse. I am SO excited. And I am going to be SO tired at work tomorrow...but I figure, I'm young...and I'll only be this young once. I can handle staying out late on a work night.

I will walk by faith...even when I cannot see.

Ever have one of those moments that you hear a song and it just moves you? I mean...makes you really think, gives you chill bumps...and makes you wanna cry?

I had one of those moments this morning. I was driving to work, listening to our local christian radio station. Then I heard the song. It's sung by Jeremy Camp, and it's called "I will walk by faith". I've heard this song numerous times before...but this morning it just really moved me. Here is a section of the lyrics.

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

This song speaks the words I my heart. I will {continue to} walk by faith, even when I cannot see. I know that this broken road that Clif and I travel along daily is part of His will/plan for our lives.

He has been faithful for all of my years. Through everything. Even when I have been so undeserving. God is so good. And to know that all I have to do is lean on Him, and He will lead me in the way that I should go.

I don't know...it sounds silly as I type it. But it was just one of those "Wow" God moments for me this morning. One that made me feel good all over.

~Mom~

This morning we had a guest speaker at church. :) It was also our churches 47th anniversary! We had a really good turn out, and a meal afterwards. It was just a good day all in all.

My mom introduced me to the speakers wife...and then they began to talk about kids and grand kids.

I was so proud of my mom. She told the lady that she had four children, one that we never met. And then she told her about how she has five grandchildren, four here on earth and one that waits for us in Heaven. It made me feel so good that she was recognizing that she has five grandchildren. Well, no...I mean she always considers Lilly as a grandchild, but to hear her speak up about it...to tell a stranger of our pain. It just made me proud. To know that even though it hurts to talk about her miscarriage and our little Lilly passing away...she still does it. Because those two children are part of us, forever.

So...thanks Mom. I love you.

God Gave Me You...

~God Gave Me You~
By: Dave Barnes

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
and I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.

**I love you Clifton Erwin! :) I am so thankful that God gave me you...

Prayer For a Rainbow...

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank You for another day on earth. Thank You for my health, and for my husbands. Thank You for providing us both with work. Thank You for bringing us together.
Lord, thank You for making it possible for Clif and I to become parents... and I just ask You to bless us with that gift again.
Father, if it be in Your will - please bless us with a child even this month. Be with my body, and help it to do the things that it needs to do to bare a second child.
And Father God, I ask that if it's not Your will to give us a second baby right now...that you may prepare our hearts to accept it. It's hard, it's emotional and stressful...but with You, we can do anything.
I ask You to continually use Lilly & us. Use us in the lives of others, and help Lilly's story to bring people to You.
Please send our rainbow soon...

Amen

frumpy,grumpy and down in the dumpy.

Thank the Lord I am going to see a movie with a friend tonight. *sigh* Clif is still on night shifts and has to work all weekend. BOO!

I guess you can say I'm...sad. Not depressed really, but definitely sad. I started using the fertility monitor again this month, and so far it's just "low fertility". Last month as soon as I started testing, it was reading "high fertility". :( I'm trying not to get down in the dumps...but it's hard.

Oh yeah....AND I am bloated and look like a fat cow.

But then on the bright side, maybe last month the medicine was interfering with the machine... and this month the machine is working? It's day 8...so we shall see. I finish up my Clomid tomorrow.

I'm anxious...I'm scared, and I'm hopeful.

Onto another depressing note. I was invited to a baby shower. Well, this person told my mom that I was invited, but they understood if I didn't come. I had half way planned on going. It was for a girl who had a miscarriage a while back, and I've known her husband for like my whole life. But then the other night I found out that her sister in law is pregnant. I'm so excited for both of these girls, but I told my mom I just can't be in a room with that many pregnancy hormones. NOT a good idea. And I don't want to dampen the mood of the whole shower with my presence. Plus, I don't know if she's having a boy or girl. And that would have been a factor in going anyways. If it were a girl...there is no way. I just can't handle it right now...and I think that's okay.

Everyone is pregnant and I'm starting to feel like, "uh hello! what about me?" When I became pregnant with Lilly, no one was pregnant. Well, ok I did know one person at the time...but we weren't speaking. Then it was like as soon as we announced it, everyone was trying. And ended up pregnant...and having healthy,happy, LIVE babies. Now that I'm not pregnant and WANT to be, EVERYONE is announcing that they are pregnant. Seriously, I know SO many people that either JUST had a baby in the last few weeks....getting ready to pop any minute....or going to be due in the coming months.

I find myself thinking more and more about adoption, but I just feel like that's me trying to find the easy way out. A quick "fix" if you will. I think, well if we adopted an infant it wouldn't depend on my body. It would be safe, and hopefully uneventful. But then I think of how God must look at those thoughts. I need to trust my Heavenly Father - in that, if He sees fit to entrust me with another life within me - that He will give me the health and stamina to make it through 38 weeks.

I am desperately praying that He will bless us with another baby. I know that our prayers do not go unheard. He cares what I'm praying, and I am looking forward to an answer. One thing that I have to accept though is that the answer I receive may not be the one that I want.

I'm Terrified...

But I know that God will see me through EVERY storm in my life, just as He has these last months.

July 13th will be eight months. My heart continues to break as November draws near. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful employer that is allowing me to take a week off right around November 13th. Clif and I are just going to leave town. I can't even begin to tell you the grief that takes over my heart when I even think about that trip...

bring back that luvin feeling :)

**Found these and just wanted to share**

...off to never never land.

~Neverland Cookies~

2 1/4 c. flour 1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp salt
1 1/2 c. peanut butter
1 c. butter 1 c. sugar
1 c. firmly packed brown sugar
2 eggs 1 tsp vanilla
2 c. white chocolate chips
1 1/3 c. macadamia nuts

*Preheat oven to 350*

- Beat peanut butter, butter, sugar & brown sugar until creamy. Add eggs one at a time. Add vanilla. Gradually add flour, baking powder, soda & salt. Stir in chocolate chips & nuts. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes. -

...I've been jumped.

Imagine with me a set of black & red jumper cables. Yup – I had an EKG yesterday. I seriously felt like I was a car being hooked up to jumper cables!!

A little humor…my blood pressure has been fine since I had Lilly. It spikes a little when I go to the doctor, it always has. Dr G hasn’t put me on blood pressure meds yet for that very reason. Well, yesterday I walk into Dr W’s office and they take my blood pressure. 148/95. Niiice. Oh well. The nurse was like, has your blood pressure been up? I just laughed. What else? Yeah it has been up and more than likely is one of the factors in my daughter’s death. Who knows. It’s my body. Story of my life…
ANYWHO…so the doctor came in and talked to me. I’d never met or talked to him before… but I liked him. He maintained eye contact during the whole visit – which was nice, and he asked questioned and seemed to genuinely care! It was a nice change. He asked about home, finances, my job…anything that could be causing stress in my life. I told him about Lilly passing away in November (which he already knew about), and then Clif volunteered finance information. I told him that I don’t find my job stressful, and that I love it.
He told me that it sounded like I just have a lot on my plate, and that it is probably anxiety. He listened to my heart and my lungs and said that my pulse sounded a bit fast, but that some people’s pulses are just higher than others. Then he decided that they should do an EKG to be sure.
It wasn’t bad at all. Had to go in, undress, and then put like a million (okay maybe not that many) sticky things on me. I seriously about busted out laughing when he pulled out the cord that had all the little clips on it. For some reason I found it hysterical. Once he got me all hooked up it only took like two seconds to do the test. And only about 5 minutes after that to get the results. The doctor came out and told me that everything looks good…no extra beats, not skipping beats, and no lack of oxygen. He prescribed me beta blockers to take for two weeks, saying that should take care of the problem. Bleh. I hate medicine.
When we first started talking he said that there are medications for anxiety, but I quickly told him that I wasn’t interested. He had already ruled those out on his own when he looked at my chart and saw that I am trying to conceive again.
So that’s it. Apparently I am a bundle of nerves and am just stressed out. I told him that I stress over random things, but I don’t consider myself really stressed or depressed. I mean yeah, my daughter died, but I’m not quite to the point of shipping me off to the nut house.:)
He wants me to go back in two weeks, the day before my appointment with Dr G. I think I will probably cancel that appointment. #1 I am pretty sure that my employer wouldn’t appreciate me being gone two afternoons in a row, and #2 I can just have Dr G listen to my heart and see what he thinks about it. I am going to get the prescription filled, I think.
Dr W said that it will not counteract with my Clomid, and that it would be okay if I were to conceive while still taking it. :) It’s not a permanent medication, just trying to see what helps. I was just so relieved that it wasn’t anything “serious”.
My dad has had heart problems since a young man, and had surgery several years ago to correct a condition called WPW. Something about he had an extra something or another that caused his heart to race. He should have checked out a long time ago. They sent him home with one of those monitors that you wear and they called him and told him to get to the hospital ASAP. His heart rate was like in the 400s? Maybe even 500s. Either or, it was crazy.
I honestly (as I told you guys) thought that it was anxiety…but and hour and $20.00 later, I feel so much better.
So that was my lovely experience…
After the doctors appointment we went to see Clif’s grandfather and family off. They’ve been visiting from Texas since Friday, and they were leaving out this morning to head back home. I wish that they would just go ahead and move here. :( All the family lives here anyway! But anyways, Clif’s grandpa (Pawpa Clif) had never seen a picture of Lilly. They were not able to come in for the funeral. So we took him a bookmark that the funeral home made for us with her obituary on it, and we took the DVD that I made Clif for Christmas. It’s all of her pictures, the ones that the hospital took for us and the ones that we took with her. I added quotes and Bible verses, and put “Glory Baby” by Watermark in the background. :) I was so happy that we were able to share those things with him.
Pawpa mentioned to Clif that they were going to go to the cemetery but Clif’s uncle (the uncle that Pawpa & family were staying with) wasn’t real big on the idea. So we took him and the family by there on the way to dinner. It was weird, and sounds absolutely horrible – but it was like I didn’t want to share that. The cemetery I mean. It sounds awful, but that’s all that I have left of my little girl. :( I don’t know. But it was an emotionally straining afternoon with all of that. There were also young children with us at the house that asked questions about Lilly. I know they are just kids, and they didn’t mean any harm. It’s just these emotions are still fresh for Clif & me, and certain questions just get me. The kids were really sweet after they had learned what happened, though.
Okay, this has turned into a really long post so I will end.

Done.Over it.FINISHED.

To keep my mind off of things (until my appointment) I just have to rant a little bit :) Maybe this is why my heart is acting up....?

Some people just get under my skin SO much...and I want to get in the flesh and tell them exactly what I think of them. But I don't...most times. I continue to ask God for wisdom to deal with the people and things that I am faced with. I seriously feel like SCREAMING at the top of my lungs, just out of frustration...pain and heartache.

I'm done with getting stuff thrown into my face, not literally of course. I'm trying my best with everything I have to be a better person. To look over people, and the things that they intentionally (and maybe Unintentionally) do to hurt me. I'm just over it. Done. I don't need this.

I am choosing to pray for these people, but I am also choosing to leave them out of my every day life. I cannot be tied up in their lives...especially just when it brings me pain. I have my own life and desires to worry about. Know what I'm saying?

Let me just say it's ONLY been seven months since my daughter died. Give me a break. I don't need people up in my face about things. I need UNDERSTANDING. No, I don't expect everyone I know to bring their lives to a screeching halt just because I am without my child. I don't even expect everyone tot understand me. But I do expect people to respect me and the memory of my daughter. Maybe not put SO much in my face. Back off a little...and I don't know. Act human?

Ah... I feel a little bit better after getting that off my chest. :) Thanks for reading, and putting up with my hormones.

Hmm. If you haven't noticed already (yeah right!) I am being extremely vague in this post. It's only because I don't want to hurt anyone...even if they aim to hurt me first. I don't want to talk about anyone either. :) Plus, I don't know if this certain someone reads my blog or not (I've told them about it) ...so I want to cover my tail that way as well.

Well I'll be back later to update about how my appointment went :)

Click here to read another mommy's blog from today. I can SO relate. Thanks Lori!

"heart"-felt prayers needed... (Updated)

Update: My doctors appointment is scheduled for 3:30 with Dr W. Hopefully everything will be "ok".

I am currently trying to get a doctors appointment for later this afternoon. My heart was doing much better last night, but this morning it has been worse. I feel as if someone is grabbing it and squeezing just for a brief second, and then letting go.
Weirdly, it's only when I am sitting still. If I'm up moving around it's not as bad. I truly think they are going to tell me it's anxiety...that would be SO understandable these days. But I'm scared that it might be something else. Better safe than sorry. Here's to hoping that Dr W has an appointment open this afternoon.

and then there were eight...

This is what I am feeling today. I want to ask God WHY ... but I don't. I know that God would never hurt me. I know that for everything there is a reason. I just wish that I knew the reason behind losing my daughter.

In my last post, I mentioned that I can think of like seven women that I know that are pregnant. Well...make that eight. I just found out someone else that I know is expecting.

Really? Why can't I be in that number? Why can't I be pregnant? Why why why??? Why do I hurt? Why me and my baby? Why can't she be here with me?

Dang it, I am just so hurt right now. Please don't get me wrong as you read these words. I don't wish anything bad on these eight wonderful ladies that I know. I am happy for each and every one of them. BUT I am just over it.

Month in and month out I am trying my hardest to bring a little life into this world. I got my chance in 2009 and I failed. That's what I'm feeling like tonight... a failure.

I know that this is not the attitude to have. And that I should be grateful for every breath that I take. And I am. I'm just SO overwhelmed by pain and tinges of jealousy...and I am just gonna take it to the Lord and leave it there.

Please continue to pray for me. And I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record. Tomorrow is day two of Clomid round three.

Anxiety? Me? No way...

…I think I’m okay. I just freaked myself out last night. I didn’t go to sleep until after midnight….and had to get up at 6:30 this morning.
I asked Clif to come home from work a few hours early to check on me…but he couldn’t get away.  When he walked through the door at 7:05 this morning, I was like….”Uh, glad I’m not dead”.
I honestly think it’s just anxiety. I personally think that I have handled everything since November 13th very well – but I still have emotions and feelings. Maybe those are just catching up with me?
Oh well, I’m doing better today…and I feel better too! There have only been a couple of times that it (whatever “it” is) has happened.
The main reason I didn’t go to the doctor this morning is because my current doctor is horrible. Until I got married, I could count on my one hand how many times I had been to the doctor. I just never was sick. I still have the doctor that my parents chose for me as a teenager. Ew.  So this morning I called my insurance company and changed my primary physician. SO if I do have to go to the doctor, at least I will be going to someone that I trust. That’s always a plus.
I don’t want to hear what they may have to say to me though, I think that’s one of the biggest reasons I don’t want to go. I don’t want to hear that they think I need professional help, because I honestly believe that I don’t need it. I have the best help that anyone could ever have and that comes from above. I don’t want medicine for anxiety, and I don’t want to go to the hospital. Of course, I am a big girl now… and I accept that things are going to go wrong with my body from time to time and that I am going to have to get help. Ha! But I don’t wanna. The good thing about the doctor that I am switching to (Dr W) is that he is a friend of my dad’s, so he knows everything that has happened – plus he is a Christian…which helps more than the average person would know.
*sigh* I just wish that Dr G could be my all around doc, and not just my OBGYN.  Oh well. At least this past almost two years I have gotten over my fear of doctors. Now if I could just get past my fear of dentists…

speaking of my heart not beating...

Please say a prayer for me...my heart is doing something really weird tonight. It did it a few times earlier today - but it is happening more and more often now.

I am sitting completely still...have been all night long. But at random, my chest gets kinda tight and takes my breath away. Almost like my heart is racing. :(

Clif is at work, and I don't want to go to sleep without him here with me...

until my heart stops beating...

So many emotions running through me right now... I'm heartbroken, but there is hope. I am sad...yet I'm happy. I have desires though I am content.

I start round three of clomid tomorrow...and I'm really anxious about it. I am so hopeful that the medicine (not to mention my body) may work this month, but I am still scared that it will not.

I look forward to being pregnant again...yet I am terrified. My hearts one desire is to have a living baby here on earth. But I am scared to go through the things that will get me to that point in my life.

I know that God will take care of me, and Clif....and a second Baby Smith if He allows. I'm just letting my nerves take hold of me.

So I found out a few minutes ago that someone else I know is pregnant. I'm happy for them... but I'm just overwhelmed. That's what? At least seven women that I know that are expecting...and that's just off the top of my head.

Maybe God wants me to wait so that I can be pregnant alone? I don't know... but it's heartbreaking. Going back to the doctors office month after month...hearing those words, "not consistent with ovulation". Taking yet another test and seeing one bold line. Why can't there be two?

Do people get sick of me talking about getting pregnant again? Do people even really care? I know that they do... but sometimes I feel as if they just wish I would shut up about it already.

I'll admit here and now... I am afraid that if I stop talking about my experience... if I stop talking about Lillian Joy...I am scared that I will forget. I don't want her to be a faint memory. I want her to always be a beautiful and vivid memory to me and my husband. I never want to forget her. My sweet Lilly Bean.

I can't stop thinking about her lately. And certain moments of November 13th.

The moment that I knew I wouldn't be taking my baby home with me... the moment that Dr G and I looked at one another, the moment that I knew she was gone. The moment that I heard the sorrow in my husbands screams. The moment I had to decide between labor or c-section. The moment I woke up from surgery and realized it wasn't a dream. The moment that I saw my baby for the first time...and the last. The moments I sat in my tiny room on floor 6 or RMH writing my precious daughters obituary. Planning what she would wear, and what would be said. What would I wear? Would I be able to physically be there?

I remember how much physical pain I was in. But I refused to let is show. How could I complain about the pain I was feeling when my daughter was dead? I don't think I ever told anyone... the morning on her funeral, November 17th, 2009...my husband had to bathe me...he had to shave my legs and dress me. Not only was I not emotionally able, I wasn't physically able. Both physical & emotional pain are still so fresh to me... I can feel both as if it were yesterday....

I keep remembering all the heartbroken looks we received in the hospital.

One moment that will haunt me for the rest of my days? Being wheeled out to the front of the hospital for Clif to pick me up.

The car seat had been removed from the car, along with the bag of her things. I sat on the curb, wheelchair full of flowers...cards and gifts. A gut full of staples, prescriptions...a wreath the hospital gave me.. No baby... just a broken heart and empty arms.

We both cried as we pulled away from that place. The place that was supposed to bring so much happiness but in turn brought so much pain.

Going home was even worse. I left my house three days before then, anticipating the day I would return with my bundle of joy. Instead I came home with the realization that Lilly would never come home.

Here I am seven months later... and still very much heartbroken. Tears stream down my face as I type these words. I miss her, I want her... but know that I will never have her...not here on earth anyway.

I didn't want to say goodbye to my daughter on November 13th,2009. I wasn't prepared. Never in a million years did I think that I would bury my daughter just four days after she was born. But I did...we did.

To this day I can vividly see my husband walking across the cemetery lawn carrying our precious girl in a sealed casket. Knowing after a short while we would have to leave her there...leave her to go in the small hole they had dug for her. How could someone that small die? Someone that had so much life in front of her...

Even now, after all that time...there is so much pain. There is so much grief. Will it ever get better? I know that I will always miss her... but when will my heart stop aching?

My heart will stop aching when it beats its last beat....

a childless fathers day...

Yesterday hurt.

A lot more than I thought it would.

I literally ached for Clif all day long yesterday. It killed me to see him hurting so much, and knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

This Father's Day was nothing like we expected. She was supposed to be here, he was supposed to have her with him. Show her off. She was supposed to meet her great grandfather this weekend. But she didn't. And according to God's plans... she wasn't supposed to be here. He needed her more.

I won't go into details. I'm sure that all of you know how men don't like their emotions to be talked about. So I won't talk about Clif's emotions from yesterday. But I do ask you to pray for him, a lot. It was a lot worse that I thought it would be...for us both.

Praying faithfully to have full arms and hearts this time next year...

a letter to Clif on Father's Day.

Dear Clif,
Wow. You're second official Father's Day. How does it feel? You don't have to answer that, because I already know. It hurts, huh?
Babe... I wish I could fix this, I wish I could make it right. I wish that Lilly was here for you, and that we could all celebrate you being a daddy together. But it's just you and me... and it's going to be hard celebrating. We've got to though! Lilly made you a daddy...and you should be SO PROUD to be her daddy. Even though she's not here.
Really I don't know what else to say, other than... I am praying for you as Father's Day weekend approaches. I am praying for you in two different ways. One - that God may comfort your heart during your first Father's Day with out our Lillian Joy. Two - that God may comfort your heart as you spend yet another Father's Day without your own father.
I love you Honey, and I am so proud to say that you are the father of my Baby Girl, our angel.

With Love,
Des

PS~ I promise to try with everything that I am to see that your arms are not empty next June.

This Life Is Not My Own...

"We seldom stop to think how many people's lives are entwined with

our own. It is a form of selfishness to imagine that every

individual can operate on his own or can pull our

of the general stream and not be missed.

~Ivy Baker Priest, former US Treasurer~

:) I was reading the newspaper today, and this "thought for the day" caught my eye. How true is this, I mean really.

There are so many people that make up my life. Here are just a few...

Clif~ What can I say? Apart from the Lord, you ARE my life. You have been my everything for five years now. I am so blessed that God sent you into my life. Weird how things worked out...despite the fact that we are so different. But I am SO grateful that they did!!

Lilly~ Little Girl, words cannot explain how much you have changed my life. You have taught me so much these past months. I love you.

Dad & Mom~ Enough said in just your names. You guys have put up with me for 22, going on 23 years. :) I am so lucky...no not lucky, blessed to have you as my parents. I know that we've had our differences over the years... but y'all are the best. I love you both so much. Thank you for loving one another enough to stick it out all these years, and for not getting fed up with the boys before God gave you me. HAPPY 40TH ANNIVERSARY!

Shelia (MIL)~ You are such an important part of my life, even though I don't tell you like I should. Thank you for being such a giving person, always...even when there is nothing left to give. And thank you for giving me your son. :) Love you.

Clif III (FIL)~ Funny how someone that you've only seen in pictures can mean so much to someone. Even though we never met on this earth, you mean more to me than a lot of people. Because of you and the love you had for your wife, I have a husband. In my opinion, the best husband. Thank you for teaching him manners, strong values, and strong morals. In my book, you were an amazing man here on earth, and I can't wait to meet you someday on the other side.

Aleisha~ When I read that name, pretty much all I can do is smile. We've had mostly ups, and only one or two downs. I hated those down times. I am so very thankful that God put you in my life, and that He saw fit for us to make a mends in November. I love you and your family so much!! You mean the world to me...

Jonathan~ What more can a girl ask for in a friend?? We have had some great times together. I have missed you so much these past few years, but am so thankful that you're back in my life now. I love you...thanks for always being there for me.

Granny H.,Papa H., & Papa H. ~ A lot of H's huh? :) You all had a hand in making me who I am today. I miss each of you so much and cannot wait to one day be reunited with you all. :) I love you...

Granny H~ You too have had a hand in my life. I love you, and am so thankful that God has allowed me to still have a living grandma.

I know that there are like a million other people that could be on this list, these are just a few.

But that quote just really made me think today. I can't operate on my own, I need people. :)

Along those same lines, this life is not my own. I am alive and well because of my Savior, Jesus Christ. He knew me before I was conceived in my mother's womb. And He still knows me. This is not my life, but the life that He has allowed me to live. I am His. I can't imagine my life without my relationship with Him.

God is good...all the time.

Alive and kickin'

...ok maybe alive. ha! Today I realized that it's been a while since I last posted. :) Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here! Just extremely busy!!
I'm sure that I mentioned it when it happened, but I recently got a promotion at work. I'm a member of management now....aren't I special. :) haha. Anyways, we just hired a new girl and I have been busy training her. By the time I get home in the evenings... I am worn completely out! PLUS there is just so much more going on in my life.
Life is just happening FAST. Really fast. And I'm trying to deal with that. I can't believe that 6/13 marked seven months since my little girl passed away.
We are busy busy busy planning a SURPRISE anniversary party for my parents. They have been married for 40 years today!!! How awesome is that? Don't hear of that happening too much anymore. I'm so proud to say that they are my parents!
Anyways, our party for them is coming up Saturday and I'm getting excited about throwing it for them! :) It's my brothers, sis in laws and me. :) the parents are so clueless...it's great.
I am on Provera day 7...it's going decent. Not as many cramps as last month...so knowing my luck it'll take up to 7 days after I finish the pills for them to do the job. Oh well, we shall see. God is in control of it all, and I know that everything will happen in His timing.
Y'all pray for me that I will continue to keep my chin up and not let every day life, plus TTC to get me down. :) I really appreciate it...and will update again soon...

one line of disappointment.

Yup. :) I knew it was coming, but I was visited by another "one liner" on Wednesday morning. For those of you who don't follow... I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative.
So, I got to spend half an hour waiting for my prescriptions in the pharmacy...just to be told that they were sent back. I finally got them yesterday afternoon, and I am currently taking my third dose of Provera. After ten days of this and after the start of my cycle I will start round three of Clomid. Come on 150 mg!!
Please please please pray for Clif and me in the coming month. I hate this emotional roller coaster that we're on. But it's my life, and I have to learn how to live with it.
:( I went into her room tonight. I haven't been in there for a long time... I just wanted to look in there for a few minutes. But once I went in there, I lost it. I just sat there, overwhelmed with the new round of grief. It hit me, and it hit me hard. And worst part, Clif wasn't here.
I miss her SO much...and this is such an emotional time for me. The road to conception...again. And everything I do or say comes back to her. Comes back to the fact that I have empty arms and a broken heart.
Most days are pretty good days for me... but today, oh my gosh. It was bad. My heart literally aches.
Seven months have gone by...you wouldn't think that I would still have these break downs. But I do. Am I the only one? Is this normal? Do I need my head checked out? ha. No... I know it's not bad. I think it's okay crying over my daughter that is no longer with me.
I don't know what the "rights" and "wrongs" of grieving the loss of a child.
I mean...it's been seven months. Should everything still be in place in her room? Should it all be boxed up and taken away? I love her, and I respect her memory. But how long can I keep it up? :(
So I guess I'm just having "one of those" days. I miss my daughter, and I hurt because of it.
But again, still praising Him. I know that He has a perfect plan for Clif's and my life. And I cannot wait for those plans to be revealed to us.

to my daughter...

Sweet Girl,

I cannot express how much I miss you...today especially. I picked flowers for you, Tiger Lilies. Fitting, huh? I was driving down our road and saw them, so I pulled over and picked some.

Today was "okay"...until I got home. :( Daddy is out tonight, and I am home alone. All alone.

I walked by your room, as I often do. The difference is, tonight I went in. I just wanted to peek in and see everything. The sight, the smell... it was overwhelming. I let it overtake me. And I lost it.

You were my world for almost ten months, and after almost seven months I am still trying to learn how to deal with it.

People tell me I should be over it by now. I should be over you by now. But I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever be. No one can make me forget the print you left on my heart, and no one ever will.

I love you baby girl, with all of my heart. Forever. I'll never stop telling people about you, and I'll never stop telling your story. You're an amazing little girl.

Love,

Mommy

So this week is buzzing by, and it's only Tuesday! :) It's been an "okay" but slightly stressful one. Since November, I try not to get stressed out about things. Especially every day life that cannot be prevented. Like family, friends, and finances.
But then there are those days that I allow myself to go "there" and just get bogged down with the "down in the dumps" feeling.
I'm blessed beyond measure, and I know it. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of it more often than others. I know that in the end, everything will be okay. I'm just a worry wart. And I'm in one of those worrying moods today. For myself, and for some of my family.
Most of it has to do with the economy. With jobs being hard to find, freezes on every one's raises (and I do mean EVERYONE), insurances going up in price...not to mention everything else. It's just right down depressing. And today I just feel like whining about it. :(
I know I've had at least one post like this in the past...so you guys will have to just bare with me. :) I'm sure that I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine.
Speaking of tomorrow, it's the big day. Dr G wants me to take a pregnancy test. If it's negative (which I am pretty sure it is), I will head to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions. *sigh* Back on the Provera to start the cycle, and then 150 mg of Clomid.
We are faithfully praying that God will bless us with another child, and that it will be sooner than later. And that if He sees fit, He may even allow me to become pregnant with this next round of meds.
There is a lady who works within my company that came to our office this morning. :) She just found out that after several years of trying...she is pregnant. She was very cautious with this news, all because of me.
I was touched... it was so sweet of her (not really knowing me, but knowing my situation) to think of me. But it makes me feel horrible. I don't want to take away even the smallest bit of joy from someone that is expecting.
It's an amazing feeling...one that you should enjoy to the fullest. And I felt so bad that she didn't want to hurt me. :) So after my boss came and told me that this person was pregnant, and after the lady had left the office... I sent her an email congratulating her! I truly am happy for her!! So please pray for "C" as she embarks on her first pregnancy. Please pray that it will be a safe, healthy & "uneventful" pregnancy. And the baby is born healthy.
Also, please continue to pray for me as I go into another month of medications. Pray that if it be God's will that He may see fit to allow me to become pregnant this month. And if that's NOT His will, that He may give Clif and I the strength and understanding that we need.
I know that God will bless... and He will bless us in the way that He sees fit. :) I can't tell you how badly that I want to be pregnant again...but I'm waiting. And I'm going to worship,serve and praise Him while I'm doing so.

weekend pains...

To my babyloss mamas out there...

Have you ever caught yourself wondering what your child would have been like? What you life would have been like?


This is where I find myself at today, actually...most days.

Like this morning, as I was throwing some last minute things in my bag for our weekend away. I couldn't help but let my mind drift to,

"...I wonder if we would be going on this trip if Lilly had lived."

"...Would we have been able to afford to be so spontaneous?"

"... I bet she would have loved car rides."

I can't help but think these things, think about how life would be if she were still living. How things were be if I didn't live with empty arms, and a broken heart.

"...Would she be crawling by now?"

"...I wonder if she would have been a picky eater like her daddy?"

"...I bet her hair would have turned blond, like ours did."

I can't help but think, "this isn't fair". I've heard a million times, "life's not fair." I believe it now. Life isn't fair...and I have to struggle daily with not hating this life.

I have been blessed.

...at least that's what I have remind myself of daily and sometimes hourly. But that's okay. I know my God loves me, and I know... "this to shall pass". Or, at least that the pain should eventually dull.

could I possibly be pleased with my healthcare provider?

:) just a really quick post to say that I got a phone call from the lady in the billing department (at my doctors office) and she said that she is going to re-code my chart, and run it back through my insurance.
Keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be covered, and that I can continue to see Dr G debt free.
Thank you Lord, for answered prayers! :) Things are looking up, and for that I am SO grateful.

a little bit of this and that...

I have a million thoughts running through my head, and as hard as I try... I just cannot get them out onto the screen. Well, we'll just say that I can't get them out AND them make sense.
Bleh. It's been a busy week, and I can't believe that it's almost over! We hired a new employee at our office, and I have been training all week. :) It's gone well, not as stressful as I thought it might be. I think the chickie is going to catch on really quick. Thank you Lord!
I got a call from my doctors office. Since my nurse retired on the 14th, Dr G does not have a new nurse yet. So the lady from the lab called me to inform me that, once again, my progesterone test is not consistent with ovulation. :( Dr G has already called in my clomid 150mg, AND my provera. Thanks for having confidence in my body, Doc.
I'm really praying that this round of Clomid will do the trick. I really don't want to have to meet this fertility specialist that Dr G told me about. :) I am just keeping my chin up, and bathing it in prayer. I know that God will bless us in His time...whether it be with a child or not.
Something crossed my mind today. I know I'm not the first to think of it, and I'm sure that I've heard people say it before.
But for some reason today, I was thinking about God sending His son to die on the cross. I got to this thought because I was thinking about how a lot of people don't know what I am going through...they don't know the loss of a child, and they expect me to get over it and move on with my life.
God knows exactly what I am feeling...and then some. He sent His Son into this world as an infant, already knowing that He would later be beaten, and then die on a cross for the sins of the world.
God's Son died. My daughter died. Not only does God care for me, and care about what I am going through....He understands it first hand. What a comforting feeling.
I don't know...maybe that sounds weird. But it just hit me today, that though I already knew I was not alone...it just brought that much more comfort.
**sigh** Doctors bills are still up in the air, but we aren't going to worry about it just yet. If it costs us three hundred dollars a month in order to get pregnant, it's a small price to pay. After all, it's just money...right?
:) It'll get paid somehow, we have faith.
So I got Clif a new wedding band for our Anniversary. It's stainless steel (very pretty) and is inscribed on the inside with "Jeremiah 29:11". Love it! And so did he.
He bought me a pretty little picture frame from Hallmark :) My "real" gift is a weekend away. Not really sure where we are going, he mentioned something about going towards Virginia Beach. We shall see... I am hoping that it has something to do with a Cheesecake Factory, because that's where I've really been wanting to go. Anyways, we are going out of town for a night...staying in a hotel somewhere...and he is taking me on a "mini" shopping spree. :) What more could I ask for, huh?
Most of my pre pregnancy clothes are too small, and all of my post pregnancy are too big. So my wardrobe is limited. Needless to say, I am looking forward to it!!!
Sorry this is so jumbled, but it's been a while since I wrote anything, and just wanted to check in and let everyone know what's going on.
Hope everyone has a great week!!!

Three Years Of Bliss...

Clif,

I can't believe that it's been three years since we said "I do". Then again, I can't believe it ONLY been three years. :)
We have had our ups and our downs, but all in all these last three years of marriage have been wonderful. I wouldn't trade them for anything. God has blessed me beyond measure.

I can't even begin to express how much I love you. All I can tell you, it's with all of my heart. You mean the world to me, and I don't know where I would be without you.

We have been through so much in three short years, but I know that God has His reason for everything.

Aside from my salvation, there have been two life altering things happen to me since I met you. #1 - becoming your wife, and #2 - becoming your daughters mother. Neither of these would have been possible without you.

You're my everything...and I am so very glad that God has blessed me with you.

Here's to many more years of being married to you! I LOVE YOU!!!

Yours,

Des