Tuesday, November 16, 2010

goodbye vacation, hello reality.

This past week was nice. Much needed for both me and Clif, I think. I really don't know how well I would have coped with being in Virginia for Lilly's first (heavenly) birthday.
Saturday was a rough day. I struggled all day to keep my mood up beat, for fear of completely losing it. :) And I did good - I'm proud of myself.
And then on the other hand, I feel horribly guilty for NOT laying around and crying my eyes out all day long. I mean, shouldn't I have been?
Clif and I had a long talk over dinner about it all Sunday night. And though I've had other people tell me the same things that he did that night, it really stuck when he said it.
No one can tell me how I should or should not grieve. He kept telling me this over and over again. He said that I should deal with the "situation" however I felt I should. And that no one should judge me because of it. That until someone has walked in our shoes for a day, that no one could tell us how to miss our daughter.
Something that I brought to the table was... I know that Saturday was her birthday. And yes, I was incredibly sad...heartbroken even. But what people *most* people don't realize is that, the feeling that we (and others) were feeling this past Saturday is a feeling that we have to endure on a daily basis. Though it was the anniversary of the worst (yet sweetest) days of our lives, the feelings really weren't that much different from any other day.
Our hearts ache for our loss every single day. And they have for the last year. Her birthday was a tough one of those days, so was her due date for that matter. I know that Thanksgiving will be hard, and so will Christmas... I know that the next twenty years...forty years...every year that passes until we die, will be hard.
We also talked about seeing our friends getting pregnant, having live healthy babies...and so on. In a way, I think it's gotten easier on us. But then in other ways, it's gotten harder on me.
I never want anyone to feel guilty, or walk on eggshells around me because they become pregnant...or when their baby is born perfectly healthy.
I think the hardest thing for me right now is seeing a pregnant woman. Not just because I was once pregnant, and really enjoyed it.... but because I am now faced with infertility. That's a hard pill to swallow, and I continuously (daily) have to give that one over to the Lord. It's like I have an open wound, and there is always something pouring salt into it.
The hardest thing on Clif is to see newborns. Which, I completely can understand. It's hard seeing people walking around with something that you long for. Something that you HAD but slipped away before you could enjoy it.

On a less depressing note... I want to say thank you to all who sent cards,emails, facebook comments & notes...to those of you who donated money in Lilly's memory. Each and every one of you hold a very special place in our hearts, and we will forever be grateful for your love & generosity.
We were completely overwhelmed by the love showered on us this past week. :) I even received a few emails from complete strangers...and they were such a blessing to me.
Will write more later, but for now...it's off to do laundry and unpacking! God bless!
PS...if you think of it, please say a prayer for my dear friend, Aleisha. :) She is right at 12 weeks pregnant (I think), and has felt "icky" pretty much all 12 weeks. She has a one year old, and baby sits another young baby. Just pray for health, strength, and that she will stay in her right mind - I know I wouldn't!!! :) Also, pray for the health of this new little life!


Holly said...

It rings true that the anniversaries are no different than any other given day for us.

elena said...

I agree that the anniversaries are no different than the emotions we feel for our babies every day. Thinking of you and praying for your friend. *hugs*

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